How did you show yourself up during labour?

[garlicy]

I was off my head on pethidine and obsessed with the fire alarm going off Every time a new member of staff appeared, I would ask if them what would happen if the fire alarm went off, including the surgeon who eventually did my section.

I know to this day that I am known as the Fire Alarm Lady in that hospital

Shat all over the floor

It did me too!! 😂😂😂

I remember with my first being totally mortified I had wet the floor when they had broken my waters. I insisted they find me a mop and bucket to clean it up.
When I had my youngest, I had pushed out the head and the midwife said “Aww, such a small head”. I screamed at her “it didn’t f*ing feel like it”. I felt so bad afterwards for speaking to her like that!

By asking the anaesthetist to marry me. What was I thinking

🤣🤣🤣 this is the wrong thread to read while eating or drinking haha!!

Huh?

@1000yellowdaisies I fell asleep too! I'd been in labour for hours and he was well and truly stuck.

Ended up with a crash emergency c section being wheeled down the corridor very quickly, being chased by a midwife waving a razor and consent forms but with no time for either.

The surgeon introduced himself as Dr Pepper, I started giggling and then fell asleep from the sheer relief of the lack of pain at last.

I'd been in and out of the pool and after 1.5hrs (!) of pushing they decided it was time to move me into theatre and try a ventouse.

I dutifully headed off, but everyone started yelling and grabbing at me. Apparently wandering into the corridor and up the stairs stark bollock naked wasn't appropriate? I wasn't best pleased. I believe my words were along the lines of 'just pull this fucking baby out of me'. I think I felt that I had very little dignity left to lose at this point. (I was right.)

After some pushing I decided I'd rather not give birth and became very prim and proper "yes,thank you, I've changed my mind, I'm going to go home now, I'm grateful for the help so far, but I'm leaving" while trying to get off the bed.

Show myself up?! I was a fucking hero as is every other person who gives birth…

😂

Home birth here. I spent most of it begging to go home.

This thread is the stuff of legend. I'm crying here. Comedy gold!
Well done, ladies! 🤣🤣🤣

Had one in hospital, one at home. My ExH kept laughing because I was 'mooing' with DS1 and he thought it was hilarious. My second at home, I literally had my hand in my mouth so I didn't make a noise 🙄

After they did my episiotomy I kept shouting "did you cut my clit?" because it felt they had. They hadn't.

Shouting "I'm going to die, I'm going to die" after baby was out. I couldn't see anything from too much gas and air, but could hear a midwife next to me saying "you are not going to die" i was proper hysterical 🤣

DS2s head started coming out when i went for a pee, the loo was along a corridor and i had to somehow walk back to my room.. apparently everyone in the other rooms heard me swearing like a good 'un.

I was hooked up to the epidural, I did a massive sloppy poo and didn’t tell the midwife who started shouting “The baby’s had a poo! Get the doctor quick!” Then much more quietly “ oh no….it’s yours” and cleaned it up while looking at me with utter contempt.

In all seriousness what did I not do?!

demanded silence at all times, told the newly qualified nurse if she spoke one more time or report her, eventually ended up in theatre for forceps delivery by this point I’d been awake three days, was totally off my rocker going from “no drugs” to “give me all the fucking drugs” told the anaesthetist I was going to punch him and thinking I was in a space shape.. I apologised to everyone afterwards!

I was “making a fuss” when the midwife wanted me to get on giving a urine sample. She tutted and told me to “calm down” as I’d got “hours to go yet…” My newborn dd was in my arms 10 mins later.

Oh God I cringe when I think of my first labour which was fantastically quick and uncomplicated but I still feel I was a brat . After a couple of pushes I decided I needed a rest and wanted to go home . After a bit of gas& air started singing the Grand old duke of York at the top of my voice . Mind you she did come along with Pethidine which sent me to sleep .
I was giving birth in a military hospital so really the midwife, can't remember what rank she was didn't put up with my nonsense . My Husband did meet her in town a few weeks later and told her I was so sorry for embarrassing myself 😳

Told the midwife I would kick her. In my defence, she deserved it.

Was at the pushing stage with my first. My midwife who had been with me all night was joined with another who's lady had already given birth, so she was- as she put it- "at a loose end". For some reason she decided to play Bad Cop to my midwife's Good Cop and started saying I needed to try harder. Whole pushing stage only lasted about 30mins total and this could only have been 10mins in, so I think she was just a cow or trying to motivate me via evil or something. It was all hurting quite a bit and I was sucking on the gas and air like it was a crack pipe. Anyway, she said "if you don't start trying harder we'll have that gas and air off of you!" To which I snarled "Even try that and I will kick you in the face".

I must have sounded like I meant it because she backed off immediately and even my husband looked scared.

Killing my self laughing at that!

Told the ex that if he didn't take that fucking whale song shite out of the tape deck right NOW, I was going to take it and shove it right up his cunting fucking arsehole with the tape deck following for good measure.

I then sang very loudly along to Bon Jovi and Aerosmith, started wailing and mooing like a cow completely naked whilst about 200 people came in and out of the room, got completely fucked over by the 'oh, we don't do anything about that these days' severe constipation that meant transition never properly happened because DD couldn't get out past the giant fucking turd barricade,

tripped out on the exhaustion and fear and wouldn't open my eyes or speak to him in case the ex had turned out to all be a dream and I was with the bloke I'd dated before him,

simultaneously negotiated calmly and reasonably (and with a ridiculously posh accent, apparently) with the staff that I'd really prefer to avoid a section because of the logistics of carrying a pram up and down five flights of stairs twice a day to take the eldest to and from school, but understood it was a possibility,

signed the consent form for an assisted delivery with section in the event of dire emergency with the doctor moving the clipboard into signing range and my signing across the page in my best work approval squiggle two inches high so it looked like a giant graffiti tag across the thing

then howled down the corridor on the trolley like a siren doppler effect, explained to ex not to worry if the salad servers come out, demanded they took the screen down - and then squealed 'Hey-hey - I did it! Can I have some tea and toast, please?' and fell asleep about 20 seconds after DD was slammed onto my stomach.

After 2 puffs of gas and air I told the mw she should be selling it in town for £1 a shot

Repeated it at least 10 times, every 30 seconds until went into emcs on crash - bet mw was glad!

Gave birth in the corridor at the hospital! Thought I was just in the early stages of labour all day long but nope it was full on labour.