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Original poster

How did you show yourself up during labour?

488 replies

garlicy · 25/11/2022 19:34

I was off my head on pethidine and obsessed with the fire alarm going off Blush Every time a new member of staff appeared, I would ask if them what would happen if the fire alarm went off, including the surgeon who eventually did my section.

I know to this day that I am known as the Fire Alarm Lady in that hospital Grin

OP posts:
dlizi4 · 25/11/2022 23:54

IAmSoProudOf · 25/11/2022 20:15

Also another one...when dd2 was born I had a post partum haemorrhage. One minute I was gazing at Dh with our baby, the next I was vomiting and felt a huge clot pass. Then I felt like I was fading away so I hit the buzzer. Dh didn't see this just had one person walk into the room and then run back out before coming back and hitting another buzzer and the room being filled. I had hands up and in and everywhere whilst I looked over at Dh and dd2 and felt like I wouldn't see her grow up.
Then an angel came in the room all backlit and lovely and calm.
No idea what his actual job title was but in my head he walked in, slide a needle into my arm and said 'you've got lovely veins'
I looked at Dh and said scathingly 'you've never said that to me' 😝😝

😂😂😂

LauderSyme · 25/11/2022 23:54

After they did my episiotomy I kept shouting "did you cut my clit?"

I am literally crying with laughter 😂

ArmyofMunn · 25/11/2022 23:54

My second DC's birth went really well, but they suggested I took a shower if I'd like in the adjacent birthing pool.

I'd just started showering, with no curtain, when a male cleaner (gay I think) came in and started mopping the floor. I just remember carrying on washing my bits quite unselfconsciously while talking to him about what he'd got up to at Christmas, just gone!

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jayho · 26/11/2022 00:11

Shat myself several times with DS3 but was not particularly bothered as v old (45) and knew shitting was par for the course. Midwife assistant 'dabbed' at my bum and did not achieve a satisfactory wipe. Pissed me off no end, but, and reciprocal, what is it like to wipe an adult's bum? what should our expectations be?

jayho · 26/11/2022 00:13

left hospital with a whole live baby so meh?

NoTimeforManiacs · 26/11/2022 00:17

@DangerNoodles That is AMAZING.

I asked multiple times if my arse was going to explode. I was so sure it was.

highfiv · 26/11/2022 00:17

I'm howling at some of these!!

Nothing too eventful for me apart from DH having to deliver DC1 because the midwife couldn't get her gloves on in time. I had planned on him staying at the head end.

Msgrieves · 26/11/2022 00:18

I salute you all. All I had heard during pg was that labour pains were like worse period pains. Well apparently I have baby period pains because because these were awful glassy agony lol. 1 emcs and 2 elcs later I breathe a sigh of relief Grin

NoTimeforManiacs · 26/11/2022 00:19

Surely this is a contender for classics?

sweetgingercat · 26/11/2022 00:22

I asked if I could go to the loo and they tried to take me down the corridor. I was far too gone for that, screeching, in pain, with my privates hanging out so I just let it go and pissed all over my DP's shoes.

He was much more offended by my giving him a cup of tea with breast milk in it a few months later, so I seem to have got away with that particular offence.

AlwaysLatte · 26/11/2022 00:25

I got so drowsy on the gas and air (and short of sleep from being induced the night before) that I tried to go to sleep during the last bit!

OnlyFannys · 26/11/2022 00:31

Farted on the anaesthetist. A lot.

SerenaB12 · 26/11/2022 00:35

Told the emergency cesarean team to fuck off if they thought they were cutting me..went into snow interesting epidural/pethidine/gas and air RAGE!
Ended up with midwife doing a massive episiotomy which I still remember 25 years later...THE ABSOLUTE HORROR!

TheFamousMrEd · 26/11/2022 00:38

I’d been having a recurring dream that I gave birth to a litter of puppies. The first thing I said after DS was born was “oh it’s a baby” in a disappointed voice. The midwives were very confused until DH explained my dream 😆

SerenaB12 · 26/11/2022 00:38

Omg- they took the MF gas and air off me as they thought I'd had too much?? I swore at them all
When dd finally graced us with being born I took one look at her and puked EVERYWHERE..

WaddesdonWanderer · 26/11/2022 00:40

Not during labour but after I’d got home a large blood clot about the size of a cricket ball fell out of my vagina. Well the midwife had said earlier that my womb was now the size of a cricket ball so I phoned her up and told her I thought my womb had fallen out. When she’d finished pissing herself she told me my womb can’t fall out like that. So I asked her was it a kidney 🤦‍♀️

TommyShelby · 26/11/2022 00:46

when the midwife was stitching me up, she was telling me how much she enjoyed stitching and doing as good a repair as she could. My DH said that I pushed myself up on my elbows, looked at her through my stirruped legs and said in the iciest voice going “oh really? Well if you like stitching that much, maybe you’d like to take up quilting….” And shot daggers at her! My sense of humour had really left the building by that point 🙈

Fluffnotscruffy · 26/11/2022 00:50

Accused DP of getting it on with one of the
midwifes.
Burst into hysterical laughter and kept pointing at said midwife yelling “ it’s Kate Winslet, why is she here ? ‘ and then accused DP of getting it on with Kate Winslet. Marveled at the snow falling in the labour room.
Post birth I started yelling at the consultant as she was stitching me up to stop, the baby was not going to be able to escape if she stitched me too tight.

wild times.

Tigertigertigertiger · 26/11/2022 00:52

No one shows themselves up during labour , it’s a wonderful magical thing to do, however you do it

Season0fTheWitch · 26/11/2022 01:02

I told my lovely midwife to sit on a chainsaw and see if she likes it after she told me to breathe through the pain. Then tried to punch her when she briefly moved my gas and air out of reach. We're good friends now and she's delivered another 2 of my babies since then.

Carouselfish · 26/11/2022 01:06

Swore a lot. Said I feel like a fish on a hook (attached to gas and air while in pool) and I was never eating fish again! Tried out my newly learned Hindi on Doctor sewing me up.

ReadtheReviews · 26/11/2022 01:31

I love the blind comment @Cocolapew too right Grin

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 26/11/2022 01:42

The gas and air I had sent me absolutely loopy, I felt like I was really drunk. I thought the nurse was someone I knew and kept asking how she had been and what she had been up to. I had been induced overnight on my own while my husband was at home with our toddler. When he got there at around 6:30am the next morning I had already started ok the gas and air and was so happy to see him, I started loudly introducing him to all of the midwives.
I later had an epidural and could t move, tried to get my tub of nutter butter biscuits while DH was getting me a drink from Starbucks and accidentally knocked them all over the floor. Gave up and went to sleep so he came back to find me passed out and nutter butters all over the floor.

Fluffnotscruffy · 26/11/2022 01:58

forgot to add, I fell sound asleep whilst getting stitched up. DP was left standing there holding DD whilst I snored my head off.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 26/11/2022 02:15

I remember having a stand up row with a paramedic. I was having cluster contractions, couldn’t stand up unaided, but was thoroughly determined that I was getting the bus to the maternity hospital. I was indignantly chuntering to the midwives on the phone (I’d called while he and my friend were retrieving my birthing bag) when he took my phone off me, informed the midwife we’d see them in ten, and chivvied me out to the ambulance.

I had my son about 90 minutes later, but not before I’d informed the paramedic he was rude, told a student midwife I wasn’t staying as I was too busy to give birth, and left the imprint of my son’s head on a birthing ball that I was ‘just resting’ on.