Half siblings with the same name

[Jasparconcorde]

Ex husband and I are both expecting new babies due within weeks of each other.
We have ds10 and ds6 together.
We are both having girls and he ‘informed’ me he will be using a name that he knows holds great sentimental meaning to me. It was our number 1 girl name if our sons had been girls, and has been very personal to me throughout my life. It took me aback and hurt me a lot he would use a name he knew full well I would be using for my daughter. When we found out we were expecting a girl, several weeks before he found out his babies gender, he said ‘I presume you’ll use the name X’? I said yes. His reason for wanting to use it is because his wife likes it and has no knowledge of it’s value to me, supposedly.
Now I know nobody owns a name and he’s entitled to name his child whatever he choses, but out of all the names he couldn’t just pick a similar/variant of the name? Use it as a middle name!?
Despite the upset, I’ve come here to ask how difficult this will be for my sons if they have siblings on both sides with the same names.
Im expecting it to be confusing with a lot of X at dads, X at home etc. Has this happened to anyone here who could advise further please? I won’t be budging on the name regardless. Their baby is likely to be born first therefore putting me in a position of seeming to ‘copy’ out of spite.
my husband has reassured me it’s fine and isn’t my problem, but I worry over my sons views on it and if I should speak to them before the babies are born.

We had a similar issue when our son was born, but with cousins. His name was picked out years before he was born. In the end, he was born two days before the cousin, and they decided to have it as a middle name, but I made it very clear that whatever order they were born in I would be using it, regardless.

Stand your ground and let everyone know the situation so if yours arrives second nobody thinks you copied.

Could you use the name as a middle name instead? I appreciate you shouldn’t have to but you ex acting like such an arse is going to end up having an effect and I think the years of associations with your sons other sister might end up taunting the name for you.

You are in the right either way I would just do whatever allows you to emotionally free yourself of your exes childish behaviour.

Use the name but tell his partner. I’d be shocked if she knew. I agree you should announce the name publicly now along with why you’ve chosen it so that the oddness of what your DP is going is clear which might make him reconsider.

I really wouldn’t stress about this (although I understand why you are). The social media route isn’t a bad idea (if you normally use it- if you don’t it’ll look too pointed). Just start referring to Baby as Baby X. It isn’t something I did, but I know enough people that did that it’s not particularly unusual.

If they do go ahead and use your name, well, the only real link will be your sons, and they will understand your reason for using the name. Make sure they know the story - if you make it a big enough deal they will tell everyone, and especially since they are a part of it. Imagine how the conversation will go? ‘Why have your sisters got the same name?’ ‘Well, it’s a really important name for mummy because we wouldn’t exist if the person whose name it was hadn’t blah blah….and, well not really sure why daddy used it too, he just liked it I guess! ‘

In terms of practicality, context will usually make it obvious which sibling they are referring to when they are talking, and honestly, how much talking about each child are they going to be doing at the other house, if you see what I mean? And you can amuse yourself imagining the conversation your husband will have with his wife when she asks why you would use the same name….he could try lying but he’ll know your sons know the reason so….he’s going to look pretty daft if he hasn’t told her that he knows you’ll use it too.

He's an arsehole.
I would say both contact the new partner and tell her, as a courtesy, and your reasons for it. Say you absolutely don't mind her using the same one but you wanted to be honest and transparent.
Also announce your baby's name on social media.

Wow - your ex is a real piece of work! What a manipulative and cruel thing to do - of all the names they could call their baby

I really hope he's bluffing and if you have yours first and call it your chosen name that they go for something else. If they don't, then they'll look massively petty. If they have theirs first then you'll get to see if he's bluffing or not. What a horrible person he is though, to put this upset and stress on you, forcing you to wait and see what they do or taking the risk yourself that your DSs could have two sisters called the same thing.

Ex husband sounds like a twat. But to be honest, if their daughter is born first and they go ahead and give their daughter the name in question and you do the same a month later, I'd think you were a bit of a twat too. Two parents who are more intent on squabbling than doing what's right for their sons. Your boys can't have two sisters with the same name. Be sensible. Be the bigger person than your ex and out your children first.

Send his current a partner a message telling her the significance of the name for you. That might help. But if it doesn't I think you need to find a new name rather than insisting 'but it's myyyyyyyyyy name'.

I also think he's winding you up. You use the name that means so much to you, I'd be amazed if his wife was ok with using it after knowing the story, it would look like your ex wishes he was having your baby...

Whether u use it as first or second name, I would make sure both names can be made into a nice longer name to avoid the distinguishing description later like big/little or blonde/ginger etc.

I would join or double barrel both names eg Sally-Ann, EveNella, Leigh-Ann or similar.

In fact, probably better they name theirs first assuming you find out so you can be more imaginative with yours.

Best wishes for the new arrival.

honey it was clearly said in jest. I wouldn’t expect anyone in RL to do that.

Keep your name, tell everyone you know what he's playing at. He's more than likely calling your bluff, but if they both end up having the same name I can't see it being an issue.

Exactly.

Surprised at the amount of comments telling OP to use the name anyway. Without a single thought as to how confusing it might be to their sons. Put the kids first, who knew that would be such a novel idea

Your boys can't have two sisters with the same name. Be sensible. Be the bigger person than your ex and out your children first.

Yes they can. I know three families that contain siblings or step-siblings with the same name.

@Jasparconcorde
He’s an arsehole.
Depending on how comfortable you feel about announcing it on social media in case you want to god forbid keep the name for any future pregnancies if anything happens. Then it might help.
But personally I would be a total bitch and message the new wife. At a time I knew she would be away from home/work/the school run so you know she gets it and he doesn’t intercept. I would say how wonderful it was that your story still moved Ex DH ans he wanted to honour you and this woman as he had said he was also calling your daughter X. That you’ve known for years your daughter will always be X and you appreciate them honouring the name despite the confusion it will cause you son, make it totally gushing.
She’ll either be WTAF and pick a different name as she ones know he’s being a dick, or she’ll reply that she’s naming the baby Rose and what are you on about. Either way job done and you know he’s a prick and you no longer engage with him.

Your sons will be fine with it! I had the sane situation as a child it is no different to lots of generations using the same family first name or having two different 'grannys'. I would announce it in advance, do a social media post saying how much you are looking forward to meeting baby ...... then most people will know you didn't steal the name when your exs wife sees it in black and white, she might change her mind. Don't leave it...take control of the situation.

Step-siblings is a different matter, they come along fully formed with a name. But giving your newborn a name knowing that your kids already have a brand new half sibling with that same name is ridiculous. But it's clear that a lot of people's maturity levels are stuck at age 14 from all the 'you give her the name anyway, your kids won't mind' comments on this thread.

I would bet new wife hasn't got a clue about the significance of the name - he will have suggested it and she's gone, ooh that's adorable, let's do it.

Fgs, just ring the new wife or drop her a message. Agree it's an adorable name, this is the story behind us using it, quite surprised ex DH still wants to use it for your child as it's significance is to our original family unit blah blah blah.

I disagree with a lot of people - it will mess with your kids's head to have two sisters with the same name especially if it's a little unusual.

The OP's ex is the one who is being childish. He knows how much this name means to her and only wants to use it for that reason.

Why shouldn't she use the name she has set her heart on just because he wants to ruin things for her?

I'd announce the name now and explain the family meaning behind it.

I'd also 'encourage' ds to share the story with sm

Stick to your guns and keep the name for you and find a way of letting his new partner know - she will probably go off the name if she thinks it is related to you in some way...

Yes of course he's being childish. He sounds like a total twat. But if his baby is born first and he does use this name and then OP goes ahead and also uses it when her daughter is born, she'll also be acting in a childish way.

Two childish adults not giving enough thought to their young sons.

Use this to be sure in your knowledge that you were absolutely right to divorce him. It takes a unique sort of shitcunt to pull a stunt like this.

No she won't.

The name is important to her.

If the two babies end up having the same name, everyone will just have to get used to it.

From the circumstances it sounds like it will be completely obvious who copied who, regardless of which baby is born first.

There’s nothing to stop you and your boys giving the half sister a distinctive nickname, then at least amongst yourselves there will be less confusion.

my friends daughter was called Charlotte but her nickname was Cookie.

This is so unfair. What an arse he is!

If I were in the situation I would try and reach out to his partner with the story about the name and why it means so much to you. I would also say that it was the name you and ex had decided to name your sons if either of them were girls. If the story doesn't pull at her heartstrings then this might bother her and make her choose something else. I would never use a name my partner had agreed on with an ex.

Ultimately if they choose the name and have their baby first I would use it as a middle name for your daughter instead, and maybe choose a first name that means something to your daughter's father. It's completely unfair on you to have to consider it as a middle name but I think it would also be unfair on your sons to have sisters with the same name.