slapped DS. can’t live with ,myself.

[Rockmehardplace]

my ds is only 6 and has additional needs. he is an adorable little boy but some behaviours can be challenging. i had quite an abusive childhood, experienced/witnessed lots of violence and always swore DS would never have this. i’ve never so much as raised my voice to him (told him off sternly a few times but always calmly, in a low voice).
tonight he was over tired, screaming to come back downstairs even though he was over tired. i took him into my bed to try and settle him. i’ve just had a major op so not at my best. he continued to scream (not cry) and was lashing out and his hand caught my right across my face. before i even thought about it, i took his hand and slapped it.
i hate myself. i always tell him hands are not for hitting. you dont hit someone to teach them not to hit. you dont retaliate against a small child. he was disregulated and just expressing his tiredness/feelings. i literally hate myself.
he settled very soon afterwards and i cuddled him to sleep. how do i move forward from this? i feel like ive crossed a line i always swore i would never do.

It’s not intended to cause distress. It’s to make her realise just how wrong her actions are regardless of how it came about.

You don't think the OP thread title alone shows she is upset with herself enough?

Talk about kicking a woman when she's down.

Shut up

It was not a right thing to do but ofcourse you know that. It's happened so please don't beat yourself up about it.

However, now you can see this as an opportunity to prevent this from ever happening again. Maybe next time you feel that way, you can perhaps work out a strategy to prevent yourself from hitting him. Walk away from him and take deep breaths if he is safe. Sing something in your head to calm yourself or you can even repeat a mantra to yourself e.g I am not my parents.

Our pasts have an effect on our being so perhaps therapy might help.

@Rockmehardplace I've heard that this really isn't uncommon. It never has been. We're animals and now and again you'll do something on impulse/instinct if a child is misbehaving. Also you were ill/recovering from surgery, so not your normal self.

No point beating yourself up over it or dying- your boy needs his mum and I bet you help him a lot and tolerate and bear so much.

Repent, make it up to him in some way, then try and put it behind you. xx

Sometimes children need to know that grown ups make mistakes too and as long as you model the correct way of dealing when you’ve made a mistake this is not the worst thing in the world. Forgive yourself and cuddle your boy.

I have ASD and other disabilities. My DM only ever hit me a few times. When she was so exhausted and stressed It was a few times not a pattern. I realised she was stressed and I was overwhelmed. We both were. Your little boy will forgive you this if it only happens once. You were overwhelmed and so was he. You are not an anisotropic parent. You hit his hand you were over whelmed. Your son does not hate you. You cuddled each other to sleep. You are not a bad mum and he wasn’t being naughty. Don’t hate yourself. Your son still loves you so much

OP isn’t looking for people to tell her it’s ok. She knows it’s not ok hence as a decent human being she created the thread to share what happened (especially with others who have made a similar mistake), understand why it happened and ultimately know how to avoid it happening again. Basically it’s a form of going to confession, but instead of a priest hearing it it’s other posters. It’s cathartic.

I once did much worse by kicking the family dog after he had eaten a pizza I had mistakenly left on the floor (well of course he was going to eat it). The shame I felt was a form of punishment, but more important was the lesson never to respond like that again.

Forgive yourself. its awful that you were discharged with no support given the needs of your son. Who looked after him when you were in hospital?
social services should step up to support you and your son.
im a widowed parent I have three young adults who have autism, we get a very good support package in our home.
Do you have someone to take him to school? Please try and sleep when he’s at school.

How is that helpful?!

The OP is struggling and needs some support and you type this? They know it was wrong. They’re in need of an empathetic response.

Aside from that, it’s should have, not should of. If you’re going to be unpleasant at least be grammatically correct.

Oh FFS! She “took his hand and slapped it” when he was screaming and lashing out at her. It’s hardly child cruelty. She didn’t intend to do it. She regrets it and doesn’t intend to do it again. Human beings are fallible. Just sod off with your sanctimonious criticism.

Cut some slack here. A slapped hand isn't the end of the world.

The title of the thread, the backstory op has given and some of the responses have really made me worry for op's safety and mental health. You have to forgive yourself for the sake of your son, you are all he has. Everyone fucks up, in perspective it's not the end of the world, apologise put it behind you, I hope you find the support you need, sorry I can't be more helpful to you, but I feel for you too as well as your son.

There's a way of going about saying it though, I hope you don't ever work with people, you have zero people skills or empathy.

I wouldn't beat yourself up , what you did was instinctive to protect yourself it wasn't a considered reaction . I'm sure your son won't hold it against you . He wouldn't have settled to sleep if he was that distressed over it .

Totally OTT and very dumb not to see OP's obvious distress at what's happened . She's a mother at the end of her tether who made a mistake not a wanton child abuser

OP please don't dwell on this. I have the impression youve cast yourself as an abuser because of your past and that couldn't be farther from the truth. Someone who virtually never even raises their voice, and cares this much after being accidentally hit in the face while recovering from a major op (probably not much proper recovery going on with a little one around, either) while exhausted - is a very good caring mum.

Also the way you responded was likely 100% reflexive and not in any way violent. Your son settled down soon after and fell asleep so it seemed to be a moderate response in this situation to a spiralling tantrum situation. Please do not cast yourself as an abuser, or like your parents, or any other similar response, over this. You sound very caring to me.

I’ve got physical with my ASD toddler in defence of myself. Never enough to hurt him but enough to stop him hurting me. He’s a very big lad and on a one man mission to beat the crap out of me from the moment he wakes till the moment he goes to sleep. He does it affectionately but omg I live in fear of this kid, I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship always on eggshells waiting to see how badly hurt I’ll get next time.

I’ve got all the support in place, we are on all the waiting lists and I’ve been told, by the professionals, that it’s totally understandable for me to shove him off me or push him to the floor when he’s got his teeth sunk into my flesh and I’m in serious pain. Or when he’s seriously injuring his little sister. There is a difference between ‘instant reaction’ as opposed to ‘calculated violence’ or something like that. Essentially it’s acceptable to defend yourself without thinking about it, to a reasonable level, but not acceptable to purposely use violence to punish/train them. If that makes sense.

When significant additional needs are involved it is different. You are still a person and you aren’t expected to just allow yourself or other children in your home to be beaten black and blue and do nothing about it.

*I don’t agree and I’m allowed to voice my opinion. Maybe someone telling her it’s not ok will help her not to do it again, instead of having posters telling her it’s ok and it helped him settle down! Ridiculous@

Here's my opinion @FreakyFrie - why don't you offer some kindness to the OP who already feels awful? No one is saying that smacking is okay. Try using your brain and putting things into proper context FFS

I hope you recover from your op. Please be kind to yourself. Those preaching disgust need to be ignored. Yiu feel remorse,u don't need kicking verbally.
Perhaps you can think of a strategy such as staying in the room but physically distancing yourself in future? Take care

OP you are NOT on a slippery slope to becoming an abusive parent. You are a good mum, and you already know how to handle your child and control your anger.

My mum was incredibly kind and loving, but she on a few rare occasions spanked me - back in the days when a disciplinary slap was accepted. I vaguely recall two occasions... maybe there were more... but honestly i don't remember it at all.

Forgive yourself for this one slip up, your remorse will prevent you getting this wound up again.

‘Should have.’
If you’re going to try and tear someone down like that then you might as well have your errors pointed out too.

I’ve PMd you @Rockmehardplace . Today is a new day, please please be kind to yourself.
A one off understandable incident does not an abusive mother make.

Another poster already suggested that this might actually be a “positive” thing, pragmatically. I’m always looking for the positive in any situation and I can see that your admission and subsequent support may actually be beneficial to you and your son.

plus I apologise for mixing up clavicle and sternum. I was so incensed by a particular poster’s comment that I rushed to post, and it was late, and I’m a dufus.

Give yourself a break love, your DS is fine, it was a little slap on his hand, ignore anyone getting their knickers in a twist. It's not something you usually do but an instinctive reaction. You're in no way an abusive parent and it'll do him no harm at all in the long run. He settled to sleep so he's fine. You're ill and have a huge burden of stress and work to carry alone. We all reach the end of our tether sometimes xx

Op I too grew up in a violent household and I swore I woild never.to my children (I have 4) ita really hard to do as you are changing your "norm" and having to learn new ways of behaving that are not your methods of coping. Its easy to say walk away but if that was never modelled to you as a child then this is a new skill to learn. Sometimes we do not do the new skill perfectly. It's important to acknowledge you did fully manage but you also didn't continue to hit. I do t know re your childhood but in mine there was often more than 1 slap.

You did make it ok with your som last night. You cuddled him to sleep after. He was safe.

In my case I slapped twice. Once as my 2 year old reached for a cafetiere with hot coffee. I was not close enough to move her but I swiped and caught her hand hitting her. Managing to not have her spill boiling water all over her. I forgave myself for that one quite quickly. Felt a choice of 2 evils I had picked the lesser

2nd time I lost it with ds after a long period of hom being difficult and I slapped him on his bum hard. I yelled too. It took me a long time to forgive myself for that one as I had done exactly like I had promised myself I would not. Ds is 20 now. He doest remember (older sister does) we are close and ds says about it. I likely deserved it if you got that angry. I don't agree he did deserve it however I have forgiven myself for it and have moved on and I parented better after. I had hit a low point where I felt unsupported and overwhelmed. Doesn't make itnok. But nor does it negate every other time I did it right.