slapped DS. can’t live with ,myself.

[Rockmehardplace]

my ds is only 6 and has additional needs. he is an adorable little boy but some behaviours can be challenging. i had quite an abusive childhood, experienced/witnessed lots of violence and always swore DS would never have this. i’ve never so much as raised my voice to him (told him off sternly a few times but always calmly, in a low voice).
tonight he was over tired, screaming to come back downstairs even though he was over tired. i took him into my bed to try and settle him. i’ve just had a major op so not at my best. he continued to scream (not cry) and was lashing out and his hand caught my right across my face. before i even thought about it, i took his hand and slapped it.
i hate myself. i always tell him hands are not for hitting. you dont hit someone to teach them not to hit. you dont retaliate against a small child. he was disregulated and just expressing his tiredness/feelings. i literally hate myself.
he settled very soon afterwards and i cuddled him to sleep. how do i move forward from this? i feel like ive crossed a line i always swore i would never do.

@freakyfrie what additional needs does your dc have? Think the poster is looking for helpful advice so sounds like you might know how to deal with a child in these circumstances?

@FreakyFrie

Reiterating her son is 6 with additional needs. As if she doesn't know that every day every minute of her life.

Please get off this thread.

Sorry pressed post too soon.

Fine. One poster.

There was still no need for your shitty posts.

It was abundantly clear OP was in distress and remorseful for how she reacted in an incredibly challenging situation.

You just wanted to stick the boot in.

Yeah, like I said. Shut up

I have a friend who is THE BEST person & Mum ever! She literally is just cut out for it. I remember being totally shocked when she told me how upset she was that she slapped her son. He was relentlessly banging his head on the back of her chair saying ‘I want it’ & after a hard, tiring day, she just snapped. She’d never done it before & has never done it since & her son is now older & is totally fine, so close to his mum & incredible in every way. He even jokes about it.

I always think to myself, if she’s done it, what hope do the rest of us have!

please don’t beat yourself up, you’ve got more on than most & you made a mistake & we ALL make mistakes. You sound like a great Mum.

Oh shut up yourself. I won’t apologise for having more empathy for a poor additional need child then someone who’s slapped them.

thank you so much for the supportive comments, they’ve made me cry. you are right, i am at breaking point but that isn’t his fault.

Shut up

Stop tagging me then. Il defend myself if I keep getting tagged.

OP I guarantee this has hurt you more than your son! You will cry over it much more than him.

You had an instinctive and IMO proportionate response to a highly-charged situation. Things happen, you didn't stop being human just because you became a mother. None of us knows it all. But the fact you care so much means you are a GOOD, loving mum.

Forget it now. Back to normal tomorrow, don't torture yourself or make a huge thing of it. I hope you can get support, it sounds very hard for you.

and when i say supportive, i dont think anyone is saying its ok, it wasn’t. but you are helping me take a deep breath and think how im going to fix this tomorrow with him x

Dramatic much 🙄

It's not your fault either OP 💐

I'm curious to know this too. Also, have you had experience of looking after a SEN child while recovering from a major operation?

Big difference between a tap he didn't react to that you regret and are resolving not to do again and how I remember my parents hitting and feeling smug about it distressing me.

oh wow 🙄

You did a bad thing. You’re full of regret and hopefully won’t do it again. Being a mum is hard and we all make mistakes.

I wish I can give you a giant hug right now. Please please please stop listening these judgemental women here. You obviously love your son to the core of your being and you had horrible day. He is a child and will forget it in 2 mins. You are the one who needs care right now. Sending love and energy

Gosh what an empathetic person you sound like!

She's clearly really beating herself down over it, no one needs a negative Nancy putting them down even more. Being a parent is the HARDEST and most beautiful 'job' and it's completely normal for parents to have a breakdown at times because it's challenging. No one is saying you should beat your child up but she obviously realises she made a mistake and feels awful. Be kind!

I don’t think all the typical ‘it hurt you more than him’ and ‘a slap on his arm isn’t the same as on the face’ or ‘don’t worry, everyone can snap’ are overly helpful. But on the other hand I don’t think telling you that you’ve made a huge mistake is helpful either.

If this was me, I’d treat it like I had almost hit something while driving. I would recognise that I’d been careless and could have done great harm, and I’d be planning steps to try to prevent it ever happening again. Hitting children is utterly unacceptable in every way. It’s not good that it’s happened. But you need to find a way to move forward, possibly seeking more support than you currently have.

Oh for goodness sake - some of you need to give your bloody heads a wobble. OP acted on reflex, she feels bad. Move on - honestly no harm done. This hand-wringing doesn't help anyone. I've got a child with additional needs who used to slap me when he was tiny. It's a shock, you're recovering from an op and children with additional needs are damn exhausting. Forgive yourself please!

Nothing from me except solidarity , a hug and a glass of wine !
it wasn’t your finest moment of course , but you are human . I have a boy with SEN too and when he was attacking me once and ( in a strikingly similar fashion) actually caught a recent surgery wound I instinctively pushed him hard away from me and he went down like a sack of spuds . I felt like the evilest mother on earth. Of course he had forgotten it all by the morning when he woke up in my bed stroking my hair and enquiring about pancakes.
it’s abuse if you get a kick out of hurting them or habitually resort to it , the occasional instinctive , retaliation to them hurting you is very different .

I’m sorry you’re trying to cope alone while injured. It’s shit , I’ve been there. Sending another hug for that too .

I think as well it’s magnified tenfold with a child with additional needs. My son learns from consistency and modeling. If I was to start slapping him or even something smaller like telling him to shut up or ignoring him then it would be absolutely impossible for me to correct violent/aggressive or rude behaviours in him. Because he wouldn’t understand the inherent implication that it’s fine for me to hit/hurt him, but I don’t want him to hurt me/others. He just sees that it’s okay to do. So I need to be even extra on top of it with him.

OP no amount of torturing yourself will allow you to go back in time and undo it so the best thing you can do is focus on your recovery and think how you would do things next time. Not taking son into your room would be a good start.
Ouch, your op sounds extremely painful. Get well soon and don’t overcompensate and spoil your child tomorrow.

@FreakyFrie your post would have been relevant if OP had come on saying her friend said it was bad, or her partner did, but she didn’t think it was. Instead, she came on in profound distress asking how to move forward. You’re just being cruel and bitchy and, better still, useless! You are telling OP stuff she already knows 😂 how useful are you?

Op, your child is already asleep. He clearly isn’t that bothered. This isn’t a defining moment. You might need to speak to GP for additional support. Also, sertraline can really help.