slapped DS. can’t live with ,myself.

[Rockmehardplace]

my ds is only 6 and has additional needs. he is an adorable little boy but some behaviours can be challenging. i had quite an abusive childhood, experienced/witnessed lots of violence and always swore DS would never have this. i’ve never so much as raised my voice to him (told him off sternly a few times but always calmly, in a low voice).
tonight he was over tired, screaming to come back downstairs even though he was over tired. i took him into my bed to try and settle him. i’ve just had a major op so not at my best. he continued to scream (not cry) and was lashing out and his hand caught my right across my face. before i even thought about it, i took his hand and slapped it.
i hate myself. i always tell him hands are not for hitting. you dont hit someone to teach them not to hit. you dont retaliate against a small child. he was disregulated and just expressing his tiredness/feelings. i literally hate myself.
he settled very soon afterwards and i cuddled him to sleep. how do i move forward from this? i feel like ive crossed a line i always swore i would never do.

I understand why your so upset and I'm not saying it's no big deal.
But I just want you to know this isn't the defining moment in your child's life

I was raised in a loving home in the 80s and could use less than the fingers on one hand to count how often I was slapped.
Always at times of high stress either caused by my behavior or a combination of my behavior and adult stresses.
I have an excellent relationship with my mother.
I remember all the meals, and bedtimes and baths and effort she put in to making our lives as happy and healthy as possible
This is not your child's whole childhood, it's one bad act in a multitude of good.
As long as it's not repeated he is very unlikely to remember it.

The OP knows that she doesn't need you putting the boot in, I've reported your post too

OP. Please give yourself a break! You have just had major surgery and we're getting hit by your own child.

It is honestly a horrible thing to go through. (my DS has SEN and can be a hitter) It's bad enough without the major surgery on top!!

Have a chat with him tomorrow and apologise, tell him how much you love him.

You're human OP. 💐 I hope you have a speedy recovery.

@FreakyFriesome children with SEN absolutely cannot be left in a room alone even for a minute while a parent calms down. Also OP is in bed after an operation.

OP, you have a lot on your plate, you made a mistake. You are not the same as your parents. Do you have any real life support right now? You need to rest and heal.

I swore I'd never hit my kids and bar a few times I don't. We're all human and loose our cool. But you know it's eating you up so I doubt this is a slippery slope to abuse. I slapped my sons hand for the first time when he pulled out of my grip crossing the road. I doubt he remembers it as vividly as I do.

Op, you sound at breaking point.

Remember that you feel a lot, lot worse than your DS.

He will be ok.

What support can you get to help you going forward? Because I know you done want this to happen again.
some local authorities have special teams that are part of Children’s Services, that are geared towards helping the family.

Sending you lots of healing vibes.

Report away.

I won’t just agree with everyone that it’s ok to slap your child because you are stressed. People need to be told just how wrong it is, not come on here for everyone to tell you it’s ok.

As for the poster who doesn't seem to have an empathic bone in their body.. OP knows she didn't react in the best way. Why do you think she posted on MN in the first place with the thread title "can't live with myself"

People like you who like to kick people when they're very clearly down are infuriating.

And some SEN kids can be left. It was hardly a ridiculous suggestion.

Please don't hate yourself. You reached breaking point. Give him a big hug and say sorry, im sure he'll forget about it soon and it wont happen again

Nobody has said it's OK to slap a child. 🙄

thank you for the supportive messages. when i say “slap”, it wasn’t a big full force slap, more a tap on the back of his hand which tbh he didnt even react to, but the fact is it doesn’t matter how hard or soft it was - it shouldn’t have happened.
i cuddled him to sleep and told him how sorry i was, that i should never have done that, and that i love him very very much.
bedtimes have been hard recently. its a good idea to ask someone to see if they can come help me tomorrow night to stop any repetition of this, just while im recovering and i will definitely do that.
this will never EVER happen again.

It absolutely was intended to cause distress don't pretend it wasn't now everyone has told you it was a dickish thing to do.

Op everyone has a breaking point and the guilt you feel means you'll likely never cross that line again. I remember being tapped on the hand as punishment when I was around that age, I'm not traumatised by it at all. I don't agree with it as a parenting style but a one off is not going to traumatised them.

Give it a rest @FreakyFrie

OP the fact that you feel bad about it and are posting here tells us all we need to know. You're not a bad parent, you lost control for a moment.

We are all programmed through tens of thousands of years to to strike back when we are struck in close proximity. Fight or flight doesn’t come into it. It’s natural to protect one’s physical body and one of natures signals.

@FreakyFrie
ive reported your post too.

Deeply unpleasant.

Do you think anyone posting is an apologist for violence towards children?

What most posters think is that this woman, a single parent with a broken fucking clavicle reacted to stop her child hitting her. and that she’s really at the end of her resilience. The child went to sleep feeling loved.

She hasn’t beat him with a slipper ffs.

Well this poster said

Sounds like it was effective as he calmed down and settled down to sleep

Seems like they are saying it’s ok to me! As it was an effect way to calm him down.

I did this once. My lb was about 3 and his tantrums were really really out of control. I left a mark on his little lovely hand.

I still speak about it to him to this day occasionally. I felt terrible He's totally forgotten it!

It's awful but it's a one off. Please try to forgive yourself x x x

Try and get some sleep/rest @Rockmehardplace

Tomorrow is a new day. 🙂

I actually tend to agree that, in the same way we teach our children emotional regulation strategies like leaving the room or deep breathing, you should have practiced what you preach OP.

That said, I also have a 5year old with additional needs as well as 2 other children and I know what it's like to reach your limit. I also grew up in a violent household and swore my children would never be treated how I was.

Your child will forgive you. You now need to forgive yourself. Write down how you feel right now in a notebook and go back and read it every time to feel yourself bubbling up or getting near that point of no return.
Also remember that for every negative interaction with a child, you have to have three truly positive interactions to balance this out. So ensure you speak to him again tomorrow about what happened and apologise, model that behaviour that you feel remorse if you hurt someone and show with your actions how you make it right. Make sure you spend one to one time with him, play with him and truly listen to him. This will help repair the damage.

Most of all OP, rest and recover if you can. Do you have support? Family, friends? The school? Anyone who can help you while you recover from your operation? If so, accept help.

Best of luck.

No it wasn’t but I still stand by what I said.

It’s a shocking thing to do. The child is 6 with additional needs.

@FreakyFrie OP has shown remorse, you can see that in her message. She hit him once not several times. So get off your damn high ground.

Op, every one reaches breaking point. The fact you've shown deep regret, shows you're a good mummy.
Did you apologise afterwards and explain what you did was wrong?

@FreakyFrie@FreakyFrie

@FreakyFrie

The mum is human too. This was a one off. She knows it was unacceptable.
You've made what you think is a great point. Shut up now, please.