slapped DS. can’t live with ,myself.

[Rockmehardplace]

my ds is only 6 and has additional needs. he is an adorable little boy but some behaviours can be challenging. i had quite an abusive childhood, experienced/witnessed lots of violence and always swore DS would never have this. i’ve never so much as raised my voice to him (told him off sternly a few times but always calmly, in a low voice).
tonight he was over tired, screaming to come back downstairs even though he was over tired. i took him into my bed to try and settle him. i’ve just had a major op so not at my best. he continued to scream (not cry) and was lashing out and his hand caught my right across my face. before i even thought about it, i took his hand and slapped it.
i hate myself. i always tell him hands are not for hitting. you dont hit someone to teach them not to hit. you dont retaliate against a small child. he was disregulated and just expressing his tiredness/feelings. i literally hate myself.
he settled very soon afterwards and i cuddled him to sleep. how do i move forward from this? i feel like ive crossed a line i always swore i would never do.

it’s abuse if you get a kick out of hurting them or habitually resort to it , the occasional instinctive , retaliation to them hurting you is very different

I would say I disagree with this too. I don’t think op is abusive, considering this is a one off instance of a loss of control. However, there are far too many misconceptions around abuse which lead to children having miserable lives. An adult doesn’t need to be constantly attacking a child or rubbing their hands together in glee while hitting a for it to be abusive. Some abusive parents are people who simply can’t cope. Maybe due to addiction, poor mental health, cycle of abuse etc. Some abusive parents can actually be loving some of the time, some of them do lash out in tempers because they can’t cope properly and control themselves etc. The only acceptable tolerance for violence for parent to child is zero.

You’ve made your point. Fuck off

Give yourself a break. It’s not that bad. There is a whole world of difference between what you did and the violence you saw growing up. Of course I don’t advocate slapping children but what you did was really not that bad. We all make mistakes, just apologise and I’m sure you’ll both get through it.

Being a mum is the hardest job in the world, it’s clear how upset you are by what has happened. Please try not to dwell on it, I think if most of us ate honest we have all lost it at some point. Try to relax now OP tomorrow is another day x

@Rockmehardplace Working out how to say sorry to your child is absolutely the best thing to do imo. They have to know they can trust us to say sorry when we mess up.
Please try not to beat yourself up, you haven't done any lasting harm. Do you have any support for yourself? You've just had an operation.

I hope you are ok OP. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You know you made a bad split second decision. It’s done now. You can’t take it back so you need to draw a line and move on. If he has understanding you can explain it was wrong to do this (in a calm time tomorrow) and then move on x

You're over-reacting. You just smacked him on the hand, that's all, it's discipline and sometimes it's really needed. You did the right thing.

Howman. Stop being a cunt and wind your fucking neck in.

Get over it. You're not an abusive monster. Don't do it again.

You tapped his hand, it's not like you gave him a leathering. Honestly try and get some perspective here.

As for the other bloody stupid hysterical messages you've had - ignore those and do NOT let it get into your head.

💐💐💐
You're only human, in pain and we all make mistakes we feel bad about.
Parenting's challenging at the best of times, never mind after a major operation!
Know that you're a great mum - if you weren't you wouldn't be in here saying you felt awful, you'd be out there not giving a shit about it.
Hope you feel better soon x

@Rockmehardplace Do you think that maybe what you have lost for the moment is an image of yourself as that warm and loving parent you so want to be and that's why you feel so disappointed in yourself?
But you could consider that the fact that you feel so wretched about an instant when you, just like your son, were overwhelmed and reacted uncharacteristically, shows us that you are still that warm and loving parent. You will be that again for your son tomorrow. We are none of us perfect (not even @FreakyFrie)
I know that you are quite likely scared that this will happen again. It won't. You will use the experience, and will recognise the signals next time and do things differently.
Please be kind to yourself - you are allowed to break that cycle too. Making this sort of mistake is not the end of the world, even if it feels like it. All it means is that you are human, and a human in pain and under stress at that. Why not show yourself now the sort of understanding and gentleness that you wish you had been shown as a child? What happened tonight happened, you're not hiding it, you're sorry, and it's past. Your son will still love you in the morning. Let go of the guilt and give yourself the TLC you deserve to restore your health and resilience.

You are only human and in pain and stressed to the max.

Truly, apologise to him tomorrow and learn from it - if you find yourself in a similar situation, step away and take some long deep breaths (if your sternum isn't broken of course) for a few minutes.

No need to tear yourself to pieces over it.

It sounds like you’re having a rough time OP.
I hope you can get some rest and heal from your surgery.
What you did was not okay, and you know that. But nobody is perfect and your reaction to it and the fact that you have posted shows me that you are an amazing mother who has a lot of love and empathy for your child.
Even the best parents do things they know are wrong in trying circumstances.
You are not a bad mother or person. You just need to make some changes in your life so that you don’t feel as overwhelmed.
Meditation, yoga, walking. Whatever it is do it everyday and you will feel tons better. And also lean on others for support where you can!
wishing you all the best xx

No one is telling her it’s okay, but she is human, had a moment, said sorry and clearly feels awful. You absolutely have a right to voice your opinion, and I have the right to tell you you’re being unkind, and that it’s “should have” not “should of”.

OP, not great but completely forgivable. Especially as you are operating WITH A BROKEN STERNUM and doing childcare ALONE! Please do t punish yourself any more.

*should have

@MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj

A few posters have said that it’s not a big deal and there’s a poster on this page just a few posts above yours saying that it’s just discipline and op ‘did the right thing.’ So it’s not really accurate to say that no posters are saying it’s okay.

@Freakyfrie Do you always have to make everything about you? We get it! YOU'D never do such an awful thing. YOU'D never lose your patience for even a second. YOU'D always act calmly and correctly. You win! You're the best! What a horrible person you are.

@Dotcoe you have got to the heart of my fear - that now its happened once its a slippery slope to it happening multiple times a day. If i was talking to someone else who was saying this, i would tell them they are tired and catastrophising.

The main thing is you know you made a mistake and won't do it again. I doubt he will even remember it in time. You're not a monster, you was just at breaking point. Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all made mistakes.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda...

I mean you should've hit delete instead of posting that bile but there you go.

OP, be kind to yourself. You obviously know it was the wrong thing to do and I'm sure you'll put other measures in place to ensure you don't do it again.

OP, you say you have a broken sternum, which means you have just had very major surgery indeed, and you really need rest, calm and no stress while you recover.

Is there someone who can come and stay and take over with your son for a short while? You sound at tether’s end, and I’m not surprised given the circumstances. You need actual respite, for your mental and physical health, so that you can get well and get back to caring for your son in the way you want to, and always have until today.

Do this for both of you.

if he lashes out normally, i catch his hands, hold them down for a second while calmly saying that hands are not for hitting, we do not hit people etc. if i ever feel overwhelmed i step out of the room for a second and remind myself to “share my calm not his chaos”.
im utterly utterly disgusted and disappointed in myself. believe it or not, i took him into my bed to try and calm and comfort him tonight.

Hi OP . Do not feel too guilty. As a Mum I have never been an advocate of wackiness my children but I once whacked my daughter 22 years ago for taking a rubber and pencils from a gift shop ! I was so upset and called my health visitor ..who told me to sort myself out and stop stressing!
Daughter and I now laugh about it and absolutely no hard feelings. Relax and apologise. Move on ,Onwards and upwards 💐💕

You poor love. I want to echo what others have said. You are exhausted and in pain. Take your pain killers and go to bed. You need some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.