Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

Slight derail, but this is a little over dramatic. A child will not be suspended, and certainly not excluded, from primary school
for pulling hair. My older two are at an Ofsted outstanding, sought after primary whose pupils are often praised for their behaviour at external events and even so children (three or more times the age of the OP’s child) who throw items at their peers, kick and push are not suspended or excluded.

@GerbilsForever24 your SIL must be my Ex SIL. Lol

DS went through a hitting phase at that age. Lasted about 2 weeks because we absolutely 100% refused to accept it. He would hit me/DH/the cat/someone else and we would say NO, very firmly, pick him up, move out of the room we were in, put him down on a stair or whatever and then stand there without engaging for 2 minutes. 5 minutes later, he'd o it again and the pattern would repeat. It was exhausting but after 2 weeks, he has never hit, smacked, punched, kicked, bitten etc again.

Gentle soft slow... these are all words that need to be removed from your vocabulary when dealing with a child who is acting violently at that age. At 2, they will not understand attempts to rationalise/negotiate/explain. Screaming at them or hitting back is completely pointless as that just confuses them. But firm, consistent consequences do work. But if your'e not consistent, will take months or years, or possibly will never work.

Depends how it was said.
It’s a phase, it is up to them to address it in nursery.
We had a biter in ours, we now have one primary school (not the same child). It’s awful when they really hurt someone, it’s awful having to tell a parent their child has been hurt, it leaves marks. Pulling hair- bloody hurts. It will pass though.

Personally I’d deal with my child biting or pulling hair by doing it back. We never had it with DD but other parents did and doing it back is what bloody stopped it when all other avenues were exhausted! I’ll get flamed, but I don’t care! 😂

If i were your childminder the conversation would have gone more along the lines of "you have a week to find a new CM we can't have the other children being scared"

haha. I love her but on this issue, I have ZERO time for them and I feel so sorry for the DC because they are not popular at school, and our DC will only spend limited time with them. We have done things to protect our DC which has had the added bonus that her DC have learnt if they behave too badly, it will go badly for them when they're with us. But.... sigh.

Do you even notice yourself the twisting of the words you’ve done there just so you can argue with someone?

Have a sit down and try to understand why saying someone has been a monster is not the same is saying that they are a monster.

This is wilful twisting of what OP has said. You must be well aware of the context in which she made both statements, which is very different from what is being presented here.

I'm so sorry you are doing through this . Remove him from their care and put him into nursery. My daughter has done similar things and they have put her into a smaller group. He is not doing it on purpose , he is too little to do that. He wants a toy and in his eyes that is a way to do that. Remove him , you should never use a child's name and monster in the same sentence in my opinion. Poor thing . If the childminder keeps talking about discipline she is not taking the right approach to correct his behaviour.

Sweet boys don’t hurt other children. Of course his behaviour at care is a reflection of what he is taught at home. Get a grip and start parenting him. You are very “we tried nothing and we are all out of ideas’. He is your responsibility. Stop him from scaring other children by changing your tactics. Or leave… before the CM gives you notice.

One reason why I was a sah mum before my kids started school despite financial challenges as kids separated from mums into childcare at that age often exhibit aggression as part of their insecurity. Of course your kid is being a ‘monster’ to other kids although perhaps not is not the most tactful phrase for the child minder to use. Somehow you’ve got to work with her or she’s going to work with her or she will ask you to take him away. And quite rightly as he shouldn’t be terrorising the other kids.

"Has been a monster today" is different from "he is a monster".

I think she is saying you need a new plan to work together to tackle the behaviour because it is impacting the other dc. You do have a role in working with her to discourage this sort of behaviour.

I was ready to say the woman shouldn't be a childminder! But she meant it as he's being a little monster and come on, it's giving the other kids anxiety as soon as they see him so he's clearly being a little monster, isn't he? That's a regular phrase we'd use as a mixture of affection but also concern over behaviour so I'm sure that's how it was meant.

When you say you aren't sure how you are responsible for his behaviour - do you genuinely feel that? He's your son and you're his parent so of course you're responsible for his behaviour!

Ultimately, if it was another child scaring your boy so much your boy started crying as soon as the other child arrived, and the childminder didn't address it, you'd be going ballistic at the childminder for providing an unsafe environment, etc.

I'd love to see some evidence for this statement. I'm not sure it is true, I think it is a lie designed to support your decision and put down working parents.

Is it only working mothers who induce aggression in dc? Not working father's?

I’m not gonna argue with you on this but I have seen it time and time again through experience. I am not putting down working parents as I realise parents have to work but just saying my own experience. I’ve also heard it from psychologists I know. But I’m not going to argue about it on here.

Worth noting as I feel I need to stick up for childminders here- if he is attending nursery and a childminder, that won’t help his behaviour, I would pick one setting. Secondly, these behaviours may well happen in nursery but it’s a larger setting, some of the bad behaviours may go unnoticed and if the staff are made aware there are 2-3 maybe even 4 adults who can manage it. When you have a 1:3 ratio at home and one child is making the others cry, that’s A LOT to deal with. Doesn’t make your childminder or childminders in general bad, at all.
Constantly feel like I’m fighting for childminders to be seen as a worthy childcare option!

I honestly couldn't get upset if my son was called a moster because when he wants to be he is 😂 mainly when he's in pain him self but he goes everywhere with his child minder soft play, play group the park when it's warmer but only really spends the afternoon in the house I should imagine the kids are very frustrated

Agree with all of this

I’m not gonna argue with you on this but I have seen it time and time again through experience. I am not putting down working parents as I realise parents have to work but just saying my own experience. I’ve also heard it from psychologists I know. But I’m not going to argue about it on here.

so you're going to chuck in this bomb and walk away? Disparage working mothers but fathers (oh what a surprise) walk away unscathed.
I would also like to see your evidence.

You sound like a nightmare mum… where their child does no wrong.

I thought exactly the same as @Lizzie - she didn't call HIM a monster- she said he'd been a monster ie his behaviour had been very difficult to cope with

I'd be more upset that other children are scared of him than I would be at the childminder's choice of words.

And the same here - if other children fear him so much that they scream at the sight of him, he is terrorising them. If it was the other way round, and your child was this afraid of another, what would you think? Would you be happy to have to drop him at the childminder knowing he was going to be frightened and unhappy all day? Of course you wouldn't!

The childminder will be doing her best to control his behaviour, but for whatever reason he is being a bit of a bully. Is he jealous of his baby sister? He's very young and may be feeling pushed out. Only you and your husband can make him feel secure enough again.

I think there is also a lot of variation from child to child in what they understand and what works.
DD, at less than 2, one bad consequence (leaving a group early), she was talking about it for weeks and completely turned around an annoying behaviour that had been going on for months.
DS at 3 or even 4 did not grasp if X then Y, he was just enraged about Y; or if he grasped the "if", his particular bad behaviours weren't enough under his conscious control for him to change them. He's a generally well behaved 13 yr old now but is also still a creature of habit, habits are incredibly hard to change for him.
If I'd only had kids like DD I might think why hasn't OP stopped him doing this. But with DS i'm sure there were occasions where his nursery were thinking we weren't controlling behaviour at home - we were trying, it just hadn't worked yet, he found impulse control 100x more difficult than DD.

I think it’s best ignored this self righteous crap.
the only scientific evidence I’ve read, is about early years children (under 5) needing a secure adult bond to thrive. Can be any significant adult, including nanny, nursery staff or childminder. Children who go to childcare are no more violent than those who stay at home with their mom until school age 😒

OK. I would have thought it common sense that if you’ve ever read any books on child psychology that if you separate young children from the mother for any longish period of time then they suffer anxiety and insecurity if their brain isn’t formed enough to deal with it. They do not know whether the mother is returning. Heavens we get school age children with this problem too sometimes! This insecurity can work it’s way out in uncharacteristic aggression as in this case. This is not ‘disparaging’ working mums but just stating facts. My evidence? I think you can see it in the OP’s child in this case.

You're right there, @Purplespottytrousers (what a head picture your name evokes)

It makes me really cross though because as a staunch feminist i support women to make their own choices, even if it's not what I'd do. And when the shitting-on happens, it makes me cross.