Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

OP you have had some great tips of how to deal with this behaviour so I won’t repeat them. I don’t think a childminder should be referring to a child as a monster buy his behaviour is pretty poor. I actually think the childminder lacks control here to. Also why is she not taking kids out to play. That would really annoy me little kids need outdoor time and the behaviour generally is much better when they get that sensory input of outdoor times. Most nurseries and childminders have moved towards more outdoor times. I actually am not convinced this setting is the right childcare for your son. My oldest went to a childminder at that age. She seems to have no control over the kids, could only handle “well behaved kids” and put down or gave notice to more difficult kids. My son once came home with a scratch right down his face which she tried to blame on me or dh. He had left the house at 8 am without it, arrived at her house without it and left at 5pm with it. She also let him sleep up to 5 hours a day which at 2 meant he couldn’t sleep at night. By contrast my younger 2 kids had the most amazing childminder. She was patient, loving and understood praise and reward strategies well. She also used lots of outdoor time. The kids were all fantastic for her.

I would have thought it common sense that if you’ve ever read any books on child psychology that if you separate young children from the mother for any longish period of time then they suffer anxiety and insecurity if their brain isn’t formed enough to deal with it.

whoopie for you. Seriously. Fucking whoopie. You have provided zero evidence so I'll be free to ignore it.

I think the fact you’re more upset at the comment about your son being a little monster than the fact he’s hurting and upsetting other children quite telling. I don’t think the CM was being nasty. I think she was trying to communicate her frustration and the other children’s upset to you and hoping you’d discuss a way forward, working together.

Why not develop a joint strategy so your DS can see consistency between home and the CM? Eg remove the ‘stolen’ toy from him, briefly explain why, model correct behaviour, with some form of ‘time out’ if he’s been really hurtful. If the same sequence of events and similar words happen at home and at childcare, then it will help. Keep it simple and repeat, repeat, repeat. If he’s too young to process the empathy side of that, then use a simple, firm “No! We don’t do that” and remove him from the situation/group.

Is he maybe jealous of his DS? Could you also spend some more time with just him?

God. This thread makes me want to give up MN.

Some people have no support or compassion for the OP at all. It's literally called Mumsnet and here is a mum who sounds like she is doing everything right at home to try and stop her DS pulling hair. It's not working yet - because guess what - some kids are harder to teach than others. Some kids are more impulsive/emotional/stubborn - and it takes time and consistency and boundaries and eventually you'll get there. The OP is asking for tips on how to help his behaviour and some support about the stress of what the childminder said.

And instead a load of parent blaming bullshit. he's two years old. TWO. honestly - when people start threads like this it's because often they don't have anywhere else to go for support - and they want to talk to strangers who might have experienced similar for advice - and do you know how bloody disheartening it is to get post after post about 'shitty parenting' and 'dont' leave your kid at a childminder' etc

being a working mum to preschool kids is fucking exhausting. and not all kids are the same.

If you've got a little angel at home and you don't have to go to work and you just sit and do colouring and cooking and nature hunts together all day long - brilliant. good for you. it's not the reality for a lot of mums.

OP - try not to feel upset about the childminder. she is just stressed. ask the childminder what strategies she is putting in place so you can put in the same at home. say you want to stop this behaviour but you both need to work on a plan together so he hears the same message at home and at childminders. But ask her to be an active part in that plan. perhaps sit down with her for a cup of tea and write it out. and if she's not willing to work with you - find somewhere else for him.

He's not a monster. he's two years old. and guess what - that little girl whose hair he's pulled will bloody survive.

She's passing responsibility on to you and your child when she needs to be managing your child and his behaviour when hers in her care. And should be working with you to ensure strategies are consistent at home and setting But the op thinks the child minder shouldn’t be telling her what’s being going on. How can a childminder work with that mindset.

it maybe that the child may be better with a childminder who has no other children or may better in a nursery. However I wouldn’t write the current childminder off just yet. In his situation I would look at mum and cm saying and doing the same things and identifying triggers.
I think the Op is concentrating on the wrong thing here to be honest.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can then, OP. Unfortunately children, especially boys, can be rough and if girls are screaming at seeing him, perhaps he yanks really hard and hurts them. It seems like the childminder needs to have more staff/help around her.

I’ve been in your position except my little man has special needs and had a key worker sna. She was awful at her job and one day called him a demon child to my boy s face. Needless to say I took him out of preschool. They grow out of a lot things. I wouldn’t worry necessarily. I got my toddler a book about using nice hands. That may help the situation. Best of luck.❤️

I was a childminder for many years based only on the op's post I wouldn't describe her as a good one.

He's not a monster. he's two years old. and guess what - that little girl whose hair he's pulled will bloody survive
oh here we go! Teach girls young that boys can’t help themselves and she’ll be ok! And mum thinks he’s sweet and the childminder shouldn’t be informing her what her child does!

At two is excatly the right age when strong firm boundaries are needed but people need to work together so there is a consistent message and appropriate consequence.

Great post👏👏👏👏👏

Well good, as it’s rubbish.

The plural of anecdote is not data.

To be fair she didn't call him A monster, she said he had been a monster. Very diffterent and probably said more lightly.

You are going to have this problem wherever you go, hurting other children will be unacceptable anywhere. So I would work together and ask her to work on a joint strategy to rectify this behaviour.
Do you remove him from the room when he hurts other children?
He needs to be taken away from the other children and toys immediately and placed out of the room with a full explanation of why he can't come back - he has hurt someone and he has to stop pulling hair when he would like a toy. I would run through with him and his sister how he asks for the toy, and what to do when he feels upset and angry. He comes to you, plays with another toy, leaves the room etc.

I would personally apologise to the other parents and tell them it is being addressed robustly.

Over the weekend you and ds can make a home made gift for the children that have been affected, and then keep reinforcing he keeps his hands to himself at all times.

Start running through early stages of what is his body, what are other peoples, personal space. Who's hand is this ds? Is this your hair or my hair? etc

Short sharp shock does sometimes work wonders!

Threenager just as bad stage.

Even a 4 years old my nephew can still be a little devil at times (only child) and sometimes as I did recently, he can be really rude. The other week he bit me... hard, which his mum puts up with but I won't. I told him not to bite me but his mum I think does gentle parenting which seems to be giving into him and rarely responding if he bites etc though he is told off, gently though... .

If I was one of the other mums, I'd be furious that when I left my child at the childminder, she was having her hair pulled by one of the other children. I'd also be unimpressed that the mother of that child didn't think it was her responsibility to do anything about it.

I know right. Of course she will survive, but it doesn't mean its fair on her and her parents should just accept it.

@Dinosaurs23

Why should a little girl have to put up with her hair being pulled, why should another child be upset when they see this little boy?

They shouldn't. The childminder has responsibility to all children not just the op's son and needs to have a joint strategy with op to work on this unacceptable behaviour, i stress joint which means op she needs to discuss his behaviour with you, she needs to "confront" you as you describe it.

If my child had been hair pulled more than once by the same child I would be complaining to the childcare provider. My dd was literally terrorised at one preschool by a boy who kept hitting her to grab whatever she had, yes he had sn but so does dd, it's not an excuse (she was moved by the education department to a different kind of setting, this was in the USA)

Clearly 'telling him off' isn't working. You need to do more. Is there any punishment for his actions? Even completely taking the toy he wanted away. You are 100% responsible for dealing with this as his parent.

Don't want to punish your precious baby? Fine. But you'll be looking for another childcare setting because this one will give you notice, as will the next and the next if he continues. He's terrorising children to the point where they scream when they see him! Thats not from a one off incident, thats a huge sign that this is a regular occurance!

here is a mum who sounds like she is doing everything right at home to try and stop her DS pulling hair.

Except she's not. She's doing some mild telling off of a 2 year old and is proactively watching him constantly to try stop him early. These are the first steps to managing the behaviour. But if they don't work, firmer steps need to be taken and she's not taking them.

I agree that piling on a woman at the end of her tether isn't great. BUT.... OP has completely mischaracterised what the CM said, is all upset because she was called out on her child's behaviour and doesn't seem to be concerned at all about the fact that her son is so difficult that other children are scared of him? Op is NOT at the end of her tether. She thinks he child is a darling little perfect child who should be followed around by someone 24/7 so that he doesn't behave badly rather than teaching him that certain behaviours are not okay.

And as me and others on this thread have said - we've all seen it before when this same child is 7 and STILL behaving this way, unpopular at school and the whole family is ostracised.

I think a PP had it bang in when they said OP can’t criticise the CM for having ‘too many children’ when OP can’t even stop him doing it to the one baby when they’re at home.

As I have worked for some years with children with separation anxiety I can assure you it’s not but there is no point point in arguing with you on here.

Again, your anecdotes are worthless. You don’t understand evidence or data.

If you post such shoddy reasoning and respond in such a patronizing way you can’t expect not to be called-out for it.

Point to the research, or at least try to understand why you should.

I’d stop giving him the attention-remove him and then make a fuss of your daughter. No telling off, just remove him and ignore him for a few minutes. Even negative attention is a signal he can provoke a reaction if he does something.

I'd be more concerned by the 'we can't go on like this'. She's not coping. He may be a challenge but she's clearly struggling to deal with it effectively.

The telling off isn't working. Some kids need consequences, not words. I'd confiscate any toys where there has been hair pulling. Put them out of reach but in sight and say they will be given back only when you're sure he'll behave nicely. And mean it. Do Sticker chart for good behaviour, with rewards. Lots of reinforcement of the good stuff - esp on a bad day. You and the child minder should be handling it exactly the same in both environments - you need a plan together but I don't feel, from what you've posted, that she's up to that.

Start looking for a different child care arrangement - one with lots of exercise. Lack of outside time is bad for any child I think.

Doesn’t need to be an argument.
Im a childminder so really interested in this, if you can offer some evidence or research to back your opinion, it could be a great discussion.