Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

Honestly, I would be concerned about the other children's view of him and that he is causing so much disruption.

Calling him a monster I don't find particularly bad, he sounds as though he's been hard work so perhaps that's how she feels.

I think the "we" have to be much more stern with him, is perhaps asking for your view on how to pull him up on his behaviour more than critical of you.

Keep going, it's hard work but he'll come through it.

You are over reacting. Don't lose a good child minder for literally a choice is phrase.
Accept your kid isn't perfect and was behaving like a monster and move on.

As a former childminder who has dealt with this scenario, yanbu OP. She's clearly struggling with the situation because she's not handling it very well - and I don't think I'd want my kids somewhere where they'd be stuck in the house all day. We were out all the time. I had waterproofs and wellies and off we went in all weathers. You're right op it has a very positive impact on the behaviour of young kids, gettung outside and having fresh air.

I'd have a look at what other provision is available in your area. In the meantime I'd speak to the childminder and emphasis what you're doing at home to tackle his behaviour and ask her what she's doing. Make sure you're on the same page. She should have initiated that conversation really but she sounds a bit inexperienced or overwhelmed.

If my kid was scared about being around your child I’m going to suggest it isn’t just occasionally a random hair pulling once a week. I would more worried about that than anything your childminder said. He’s becoming the unliked naughty child and you might end up loosing your childcare.

After he’s done something not acceptable is there a consequence? Do you make him have time to reflect and say sorry?
If he repeats bad behaviour there should be an increased consequence.

I agree. OP doesn't seem to be worried about the child whose actually afraid of her kid. Its a pretty selfish attitude to have.

I also don't get the 'not my responsibility' part. Of course whilst in her care the childminder is responsible for his safety and for attempting to manage his behaviour; but when it's behaviour he also exhibits at home instead of washing your hands of it for certain hours of the day surely its better to try and work together. I agree she could have been more proactive in providing suggestions on how to deal with etc but sounds like she had reached the end of her tether.

Your little boy needs to understand that hurting others has consequences. Just telling him off is not really going to register for very long, if at all. We used to use time out as did our childminder. So child causing distress was immediately removed from the situation for an age appropriate time eg age 2 - 2 minutes. Took a bit of work from both sides to be consistent but it worked and was fairly applied to all of the children. Removing him from existing childminder may cause more issues in the short term. I would speak to childminder to see if you can work together on a solution rather than knee jerk action.

I'd be more concerned about the fact that other children are frightened of your child.
She's obviously not suggesting that's he's literally a monster. It's a choice of word which accurately describes his monstrous behaviour

A monster is just a term ....you are being I er sensitive his behaviour does need addressing

He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy.

Start by accurately describing your son. He is not a 'sweet boy misbehaving'. He is a boy who can sometimes be sweet and other times he physically hurts other children so he can take toys from them.

This childminder is totally unprofessional. Move to another setting.

Does she have both your children? When did he start with the CM? When did his sibling start with the CM? How old is the child that is scared of him? Hopefully you find a solution, as finding new childcare is not easy, particularly for two, but if your not happy and your son isn't it is maybe needed. Nurseries will often have more qualified staff/ have looked after more children/ more structure ( and access to outdoor space daily, even in the rain).

Change childminders.

Use the ‘naughty step’ -controversial, but works for me. Short and sharp whilst explaining their behaviour is wrong.

I'm intrigued about the ops idea that we're not responsible for our children when they're not with us.
So, if my 13 yo stabs someone today at school, it's nothing whatsoever to do with me, or how I parent?

I’m not remarking on the OP by (I don’t know her) but it is actually fairly common for parents to be one-sided when it comes to their children.

I work in a school for children with additional support needs and challenging behaviours. I can think of a few parents who aren’t remotely interested in hearing about their child hitting and upsetting other children or staff because that’s our problem, but whom are offended, angry and threatening when their child is hit in return.

Honestly some people do lose all perspective.

YABU.

I really don't understand people saying he's only 2. I absolutely drilled into my child about being kind and sharing from a very young age. (Nothing too strict but reminders to take turns if i can see he was starting to get a bit frustrated, always watching him to be sure he's playing nicely etc.. he's an only child so very important I taught him cause he didn't have siblings to figure it out with)

I'd sometimes have other parents saying its OK they don't know how to share yet etc.. but if you don't tell them they never will and my top priority is bringing up a kind, friendly child.

I'd be devastated if another child was afraid of mine.

Sweet boy my arse! To that little girl that's how he is appearing. This is more than misbehaving and pushing boundaries.
Of course she should be telling you. You need to know, not shrug your shoulders and say why is she telling me thus.
If I was the child.inder I would expect to work with you on a consistent and very firm approach to change your child's behaviour.

I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

What does this mean? because then you go on to say that the CM wants you to agree to be "sterner"?

I read this like you do a little gentle telling off and expect the childminder to do the same and frankly, that's not enough. He's only two but nonetheless there are certain things about which there needs to be a zero tolerance policy - and hurting other children is one. He pulls a child's hair, he is instantly removed from the situation.

Please don't be like SIL and get down to you knees to be at his level and talk at him about how nice it is. Because all that does is teach him that if he endures this little lecture for a minute, he can go back to doing whatever he wants and 5 years later, none of his cousins will want anything to do with him.....

The use of the word monster seems entirely appropriate for describing the child’s behaviour.

You need to work with the childminder to ensure he is not a little git when he is around other children.

The use of the word got, is also entirely appropriate, in my opinion.

Please don't be like SIL and get down to you knees to be at his level and talk at him about how nice it is.

Oops - meant , "Please don't be like SIL and get down to you knees to be at his level and talk at him about how NOT nice it is."

Wow, your getting a rough ride here OP. My DS now 6 was super hard at that age, pull hair, hit, bite...... It was awful and regularly referred to his behaviour as being a monster. He was great at nursery but worse with a childminder. He preferred to be out doing things to keep him busy. I was tough with him and it eventually stopped. He's a lovely, kind boy now but I remember feeling awful about his behaviour. He needs instant consequences for his behaviour, said toy needs to be removed immediately. Time out enforced. Treats removed. Reward and praise good behaviour. It will pass but maybe a nursery setting would be better for him.

Childminder here 👋🏻

the language she used to deliver her message was wrong, but if she has had a day of children crying because they are worried to be close to your child, that is very frazzling and stressful.

whether your child is in your care or not, you have a responsibility to ensure your child knows right from wrong. At 2 they are wilful and not always thinking before they act, so you need to make sure at home, you don’t allow any kind of hurtful behaviours.

The childminder can only do some of the work, it’s a joint responsibility to tackle these behaviours. It is worth mentioning to her what you at home so you can both react to these behaviours in the same way.

One of my ds was a hair puller. We used the naughty step (for that only) from the day he turned two. Sorted it v quickly. Some behaviours you don't want a gradual learning process and what you are doing now clearly isn't working.

She's telling you she's going to have to be very strict with him and also letting you know that if this doesn't work she'll have to kick him out. What would you rather her describe him as, absolute nightmare? She's keeping you informed.