Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

It's so hard OP.

What I find difficult between the two situations is at nursery there are other same aged children where these situations o

I think you have to take the remark as it was meant. I've often heard parents describing their children as 'monsters', and occasionally mine ('Monst' for short). Nobody really meant it.

Yours is still only a baby and will learn not to do things that are unacceptable, or hurt others, if you teach him gently.

As an aside I am impressed your daughter has enough hair to be pulled. Mine had virtually none until two years old :-).

Posted too soon

.....where these situations occur. But at home there isn't.

@rzk Do you normally have a good relationship with your childminder? Have you asked her opinion on other ways to correct and prevent the behaviour from occurring? She should have some training and I imagine quite a lot of experience in undesirable behaviours in children this age (maybe hitting, biting etc) ask what she has seen work before and have a plan to try something new?

By a child care professional? So you would be ok if a teacher described your child as a monster?

FGS she didn’t! She said that he behaved like a monster. Enormous difference. 🙄

Your getting a lot of judgement on this thread. Try to ignore it, I've found in my experience that the people who judge others parenting usually have fairly easy children themselves and think it's down to them and their parenting rather than the child's personality .

At two the appropriate response is distract/prevent and when it happens a short discipline. Whilst rile modeling/re enforcing positive behaviour. It sounds like you are doing that so it's a case of perseverance and looking for triggers. You can also try some turn taking games at home - throwing a ball to each other, board games, swapping toys during play.

With regards to the childminder their were two inappropriate things -
Firstly language, it's not acceptable to describe a child as a monster regardless of how stressed you are
Secondly; her lack of responsibility in this . She's passing responsibility on to you and your child when she needs to be managing your child and his behaviour when hers in her care. And should be working with you to ensure strategies are consistent at home and setting.

I don't think the childcare is working for your son or her so I would look for a nursery or a more active setting.

To be fair she was describing his behaviour rather than him. You need to find something more effective at home, it sounds like he is still doing it despite your attempts at discipline. If another child screams when she sees him I expect unless things change she will give you notice soon anyway, even the most attentive childminder can't be spending their day ready to stop one child amongst several pulling peoples hair and she needs to consider all of her mindees.

@Aussiegirl123456 that's why I used the terminology "described " as in she was describing him as a monster as opposed to calling him a monster. I've worked with children for 20+ years and I find it appalling. Not professional and not appropriate. It is a workplace, would you speak about someone at work in that manner? Or is it ok because they are "just kids" If you have no issues with qualified professionals speaking this way about your children then that's your call but to me it is unacceptable. Also bare in mind the op is paying the person who describes her child as a monster. The likelihood is the practitioner was probably tired and stressed and it came out but it doesn't make it right.

Unfortunately his behaviour is your responsibility whether you are there or not so you need to look for new ways to tackle it. Also feel like the childminder is planting the seed and it may be best to start looking for other arrangements. She can't have other children terrified of your son due to his behaviour.

Calling a child a monster is absolutely awful.

The OP is correct: there is nothing she can do about his behaviour at childcare. If he ran off and was run over, it would be the childminder who was responsible, not the OP.

Small children do behave like this. Even being ‘over affectionate’ (my DS was pinned to the wall by a girl cuddling him) can be unwanted. They do pull hair. They bite. They push. They hit. My DS grabs the skin on my face and twists it occasionally when he’s very upset / angry - it’s horrible, but he isn’t a monster

Its absolutely ridiculous to treat the OP as if she is shrugging off the responsibility for her twelve year old maliciously bullying other kids. And isn’t far off bullying itself, ironically.

Gosh,he's only 2. It sounds as if this particular childminder is struggling,maybe a nursery would be better? On the other hand he may grow out of it soon. Talk to her at a quiet moment.
My 4 year old grandson was brilliant for his cm, also now at school. He's awful at home atm though. Apparently that's not unusual.

could you do star charts for good behaviour at the CM?

The child is 2 years old! How the heck would they understand a star chart for something that happened hours before??

Of course what your 2 year old does at the childminder's is not your fault.

When he hair pulls I’d say firmly ‘No! That hurts!’ Use a shocked face. Say ‘no toys now’ and move him away from the toy immediately. Whenever he’s good lots of over praising.

Whatsinanamereally82 Terrible advice. This will make the child, he has hurt think hurting them is acceptable in society, if afterwards they are given affection or material objects like toys. Actions speak louder than words to small children. Doing as you suggested is not good in any way for a young child's personality building self esteem or simple boundaries .

When they are showing empathy, get them to brainstorm a better strategy

You do realise that the OP has said the child is 2 years old and 3 months?

Calling your son a monster is completely unprofessional and as someone who works in a childcare setting she should know better, it is her job. I've never used a childminder though, only more formal settings like preschool, not sure if how behaviour and children are managed is different.
What I would say though, is a friend in our group has a very aggressive toddler (I'm not saying yours is by the way, hair pulling is very normal), but I dont want my toddler near him. He has off the scale tantrums over everything, hurts other kids and I mean, really goes for hurting them and she can't control him. I simulatenously don't want my child hurt or learning this behaviour is OK.
I would possibly look for another setting, can you afford nursery rather than a childminder?

I'd try a different childcare arrangement. My child went through a horrible phase that sounds similar (biting rather than hair pulling) at 2 and the nursery were brilliant with him. Kept me informed of what they were doing, the language they were using and we had a really consistent approach at home and there. Certainly helped me, and I'm sure it helped him, that they were so calm about it and just saw it as an unfortunate phase that some children go through.

Think it lasted a few months? Hell at the time, but he's certainly isn't, and wasn't, a monster.

In terms of what you can do at home to support him a huge part of how to decrease the undesired behaviour is to identify what is the behaviour you want to replace it with and target those missing or developing skills. Is it turn taking/the concept of sharing/communication in general/a combination of all of those.

When you see them acting in a way you don’t like think what do I want to see them do in that situation and model, model, model that behaviour and work on those skills. Lots of turn taking games, boost simple phrases to use, identifying when a toy or equipment is and is not available. What can we do - find something that is available, ask for a turn or wait.

As others have said preventing the unwanted behaviour is key. Be on the watch for it - a firm but calm “I’m not going to let you do that”, then direct in a positive way and target what you do want him to do.

He’s so little - his skills and communication are developing. Lots and lots of children need help with this stuff, plenty are much older than your little one. Talk to the CM
about it and see if you can get on the same page with the approach, try to get to the bottom of how he’s getting on in that setting and if it doesn’t feel like that’s the best place for him where he is now have a look at other options.

I use the word monster as an affectionate term. I call my nephew a cheeky wee monster all the time, maybe it's just a word she uses?

I sympathise, but its also very different having a child hit his siblings at home with his parents present and have a child hit other children in a paid for, nursery type environment. The child minder is probably just stressed about potential complaints and loss of business from other parents. I wouldn't be allowing my kids to go to a child minder with another kid who was hurting them, even though I know it's a phase a lot of kids go through, nobody wants their own child to be on the receiving end.

If he doesn't stop soon I'd consider looking into a nursery place for him, where there will be more than one member of staff, possibly stricter routines and a lot more space and variety of toys for him to play with.

This. Whilst it’s upsetting what she said I think you bigger issue is the fact he’s scaring other children. Is he doing other things aswell as pulling hair? You both need the same consequences - some time out is probably reasonable. Sit down with her or call her in the evening and have an honest chat. Say you were a little upset about the language she used but understand you need to work together to try and tackle his behaviour as it’s clearly not acceptable other children are being hurt. Imagine how their parents feel knowing their child is afraid to go to childcare. Ask the childminder if she has any suggestions, has she been a childminder for many years? Sure you will get it sorted

OP ignore the replies that are unhelpful on here. You sound like you are looking for ways to resolve this situation and that in itself shows that you care. You’re also entitled to be upset with the CM words.

please consider switching settings. We moved our son from one setting to another because the first one was not right for him. They called us in for meetings, got.a HV in and also told us we should get him assessed (we followed the process and nothing came of it). Some of the things said about him were horrible to hear (and unprofessional). We Tried to work with the setting to improve things but nothing worked.

we ended up moving him (very surprised the new place took him after what was written in the handover) and we have had no issues. He has friends and is well liked. We only ever hear positive things about his behaviour. One of the staff commented that they were dreading taking him in after reading the handover but he’s nothing like what was described. He’s in school now and we never have any problems and teachers say lovely things about him.

im not sure what happened but there was obviously something incompatible with the first setting (he was never that bad at home although he had his moments). You should try moving him as he might get on so much better elsewhere.

good luck whatever you decide to do. You are doing the right thing in trying to find solutions and I’m sure you will get there in the end. Some kids go through phases at this age and all you can do is try to manage it.

How old are the other children he is with and how many are there in the day?

She didn’t call him a monster. She said he’s been a monster today. There’s a huge difference there and it’s a really important one.

I was going to say the same thing! The fact you're getting all upset about that and not the that a child was scared to come in because of your son's behaviour raises some questions.

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous, the PP who suggested OP care for him at home instead? Right.

OP I’ve been the mum of the child who pushes (at nursery) although thankfully it was only a couple of times, still mortifying though. The staff complained to me about it instead of suggesting ways to approach the behaviour, it was ridiculous. Your childminder is being ridiculous if she’s not suggesting approaches. I would either find another setting, or be very proactive - arrange a phone call or meeting with her and agree an approach together.

I’ve witnessed much older children (3-4) slap and push my DC at nursery. My other DC was also bitten on the hand by a child well over 3. These things do happen, to say another child screamed when they saw your DS as if that was your DS’ fault - well, was that child also reprimanded? I would tell my own DC off if they screamed at another child unprovoked (assuming your DS hadn’t pulled their hair first).