Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

This thread is insane. If your dog, say, goes for a walk on a lead with your sister, and on that walk he lunges at another dog and sinks his teeth into its rump, then are you not responsible? "Oh, no, I wasn't there!" It is your dog, your aggressive dog, that is your responsibility to train.

The fact this toddler also does it at home means you are not addressing this behaviour, and it is not the CMs to figure out how to stop it, or other children's to just 'survive'. The little girl screamed! Seriously. And you're quibbling about the wording of the CM in telling you this, and saying you can't do anything about things that happen when you're not there.

I would say find a more experienced childminder or a nursery, not because of the words used (although I do believe that was unprofessional) but because she should be suggesting ways to better manage this behaviour.

If you want to leave him with the current childminder or whilst you’re looking for alternative care then talk to the childminder and come up with a consistent approach to dealing with his behaviour. The hair pulling when he wants a toy is fairly normal, though not acceptable. He needs to learn how to express his emotions in a more appropriate way. How is his speech? If his understanding is ahead of his speech the behaviour could be related to frustration that he cannot communicate - in this instance because he cannot tell anybody he wants the toy (which would be an appropriate way to behave) so he reacts with frustration and pulls hair, I’ve seen it many times some children may bite, some hit and some pull hair. Not every child goes through this, but as an early years practitioner I can assure you it’s more common than this thread would have you believe, it’s a development stage that he will grow out of and he’ll grow out of it much quicker with a consistent approach from everybody.

What I would try doing is teach him what he can do when he wants a toy. For example using a visual timer for him to wait his turn, helping him find a similar toy to play with instead and lots of reinforcing positive behaviour. When he does pull hair firmly tell him ‘we don’t pull hair’ and move him away. Don’t over explain it, he’s too young to take it in.

I think you're not being harsh enough when he does it at home. You need to be crystal clear that he is not to do it again. A clear, angry 'no!' and then he can sit by himself with no toys or treats til he's ready to behave again. And repeat. He needs to get the message. Tell him if you hear about him doing it in nursery, it's no toys and treats or TV. Be firm.

I would say find a more experienced childminder or a nursery, not because of the words used (although I do believe that was unprofessional) but because she should be suggesting ways to better manage this behaviour

it’s nothing to do with experience, the op can’t stop him doing it to his 8 month old sibling snd she’s the parent, and it’s a tiny baby. The child’s behaviour needs to be resolved. It’s not the child minders fault

Emotionalsupportviper I also agreed 100"% with MsMarch.

A close family members son, when a little boy could do no wrong according to his mother, her partner and her family, though everyone else outside could see that this was definitely not the case. Yet if the girls in the family only slightly misbehaved, that was a completely different matter. I remember her mother shouting into the face of her granddaughter for having what she considered the audacity to simply tell the boy, that she and everyone else was fed up of his constant bad behaviour. We all were. And yes he had been violent to her before she said anything. The amount of serious gaslighting they did to try and excuse their "good boys" violent and nasty behaviour, while he grew up was absolute joke.

Fast forward. He's a man now, with all the same personality traits and believes he can do what he likes to people especially women, because that was the childhood lesson instilled in him by his family. By all accounts (we no longer see them for the above reason) it will end badly for him and ultimately his family for all his families "protection" of him and their reputation as a family.

Suzi888 I have known plenty of children who never pulled other peoples hair. You need to widen your circle.

But Op has 2 kids at home, and even her and husband can't prevent ds from pulling 8 months olf sister's hair?
Why are you blaming CM?
Also, everyone can read he is 2, so what? Should other kids be ok with their hair being pulled?
Op had two kids within 2 years and now say she has no time as need to work.

Sorry, OP, it is your responsibility to make him stop wanting to pull other people's hair. Not just prevent him from physically doing it.

Saying he was a monster today was only an expression of how badly behaved he was ,and sounds like they put up with his behaviour on a regular basis, I would be annoyed if any of my kids were scared of another child at nursery or playgroup.
You say you're not responsible as you weren't there- you are totally responsible for his behaviour, as his mother !

So everyone is wrong but op and her kid?

All of this.

Priorities OP

Do people genuinely find it ‘heartbreaking’ when they have to tell their child off/their child has a tantrum?!?
Is that not a bit much? These people must be emotional wrecks!

Some replies on this thread are bizarre.
CM language wasn't appropriate or professional and she is not suggesting a sit down to discuss the issue.
She doesn't take them out all day? That's concerning, children need outside time to burn off energy.
She should try removing some toys and consider loose parts or open ended play.
Op never said that the boys behaviour isn't her responsibility she said she physically cannot stop him.as she at works. She can only tell CM what she does at home and work together on it.
At 2 years 3 months, tone.of voice, facial expressions are key. Forget star charts etc that's too young. Lots of praise xhanging tone of voice and facial expressions for using "kind hands".
Lots of stern faces and low tone of voice. "We use kind hands" (say the behaviour you want to see).
In regards to the child screaming..is that because they have heard CM e stern with your ds and they are picking up on it. In my experience small children love showing how "good" they are to the child who is being "bad".

So everyone is wrong but op and her kid?

No, but I work in Early years and I would be given a warning if I spoke to a parent like that, it's entirely unprofessional.
CM needs to work together with parent, agreeing on same language etc for both home and childminders, at that age its consistency and reputation.

Sounds like she's preparing you for letting him go, if his behaviour doesn't improve soon. Talk to her about what to do, to nip his bad behaviour

In the bud.

But she is not parking with him. Children (and dogs) don't learn immediately, it takes time and a child care provider (or dog walker) should also work with them too. It's an on going process

What did the childminder do? Name call and say it has to stop. I'd be more impress if the childminder had supported mum and suggested some behaviour strategies.

It is not a childminders job to teach her child how to be a decent human being. They should learn that from their home environment. She says he does this at home. The post was her being angry at the word used by the childminder rather than her accepting it starts at home and being something she needs to fix. If it wasn’t occurring at home, I bet it wouldn’t at the childminders either.

Some years ago a poster wrote on MN - 'A boy who isn't told "No" becomes a man who doesn't hear "No".' - and it stuck with me - I think she was totally right.

Male entitlement coupled with females being told to "Be kind" has caused no end of distress. Not only for the girls caught up in this (though they are often actually placed in physical danger by men with this attitude),but for boys, too, who are being robbed of deep emotional relationships because they have been taught to be totally self-centred.

autienotnaughty Good heavens. You expect a lot from child minders so of you.

I should imagine the vast majority of childminder aren't degree trained special needs one to one teachers. Who have a post doctorate in child behavioral strategies, and are thus paid accordingly. At the end of the day this is a standard child minder. Who minds other children besides the rzk son. Rzk pays the same hourly rate as those other parents who children are getting the short straw in having to deal with rzk son's behaviour I imagine. And the childminder appears to be already having to divert time from her other same paying charges to deal with rzk son.

Honestly, I am a fully paid up manhater. I think that boys are often let off the hook compared with girls and where girls are concerned. But this thread is ridiculous. This kid's parents DO take responsibility for his hair pulling that's why she started the thread. There is some great practical advice on this thread actually but you have to weed through many ridiculous posts about how the OP's son is a horrible person who will probably end up a violent pimp because of his inability to share when he was 2.

You could even argue that by using the word 'monster' you are actually creating a monster because if you tell someone they are something enough times they become it. That's a ridiculous theory obviously but no more stupid than laying all male violence at the OP's door like some people are doing.

I was a childminder and they are qualified professionals the equivalent role in a nursery would be the manager. They have adhere to the same ofsted standards as schools. We are not talking about an in over their heads babysitter here.

If this is the attitude of parents of 'sweet boys' hurting other kids, i hope those kids hurt sweet boys back

It’s probably best for everyone if you found a different setting.
You DS could be looked after by someone more aligned to your views/techniques, and the little girl could stop being terrified

He's not a monster. he's two years old. and guess what - that little girl whose hair he's pulled will bloody survive.
Says the mother of another sweet boy. I am sure op and her son will also survive after the 'monster comment'.

He's not a monster. he's two years old. and guess what - that little girl whose hair he's pulled will bloody survive.

no, she'll be on the relationships board in 20 years asking about her dysfunctional relationship