Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

agree

Yeah because a two year is going to understand all of that perfectly 🙄

OP the childminder is in the wrong here. You're doing all you can under difficult circumstances. I would move him to another setting as she's clearly shit at her job if she's calling a two year names!

If my child was in a setting where she was being attacked by another child to the point of being scared, I would be livid. The fact that you seem unconcerned about the consequences of your child’s behaviour on others speaks volumes.
Anyone else can refuse to care for him (looks like that’s about to happen) but you can’t. your child is your responsibility.

Any suggestion on how to stop this or should other kids just put up with this 'normal' behaviour? Or should they wait until another kid hit him back in self defence?

I’m not sure whether some people are being deliberately obtuse, looking for an argument, or are just a bit dense.

It is abundantly clear that the OP is not claiming that she is not responsible for her own child. Rather that she cannot control his behaviour when she is not actually there.

OP I used CM for my kids and you get some amazing ones but some that are quite frankly a bit shit and only doing it as a way of earning a bit of cash from home and so they can be around for their own kids. Clearly nurseries have different ratios but they also have more than one member of staff and would be less likely to serve you notice for your child engaging in what is not ideal, stressful but hardly unusual toddler behaviour.

I’d look at a nursery for him instead. How many other kids does the childminder have at the same time? In a nursery there will be a few workers there to keep an eye on him.

In another place, him attacking other kids will stop?
Is being called monster worse than scaring other kids by pulling their hair?

It is abundantly clear that the OP is not claiming that she is not responsible for her own child. Rather that she cannot control his behaviour when she is not actually there. But she needs to be aware of it and work along side the childminder to have a consultant approach with the same age appropriate consequences for the behaviour, not shrug and say I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. That is a ridiculous attitude.

I have no influence on what he is doing there.

That sounds to me as if she is saying she is not responsible for his behaviour. It is not up to a CM to parent a child and teach them to be kind to others. He should learn that at home. That is the parents' responsibility.

We pull him away and we tell him off for what he is doing. Do you have any suggestions on how to tackle this behaviour?

I haven't read all the replies so sorry if I've missed anything. You are asking for suggestions. It seems the telling off and being stern at home isn't working to make him stop, as its been going on for 2-3 months now. So he is not getting the message its unacceptable.

He is 2, so is capable of understanding to a level that what he is doing is not nice. He probably does not understand how much it hurts it other children though.

I would suggest trying a couple of other things.

1. Such as immediately removing any toy he was playing with when he does this. And telling him you are taking it away because of the hair pulling (and do not give it back 5 minutes later! wait at least a day). No shouting, just a short sharp explanation.
2. Removing him from the activity when he pulls hair. Whether you use a chair he has to sit on or just not allowing him to continue with the activity, depending on the situation at the time. Again, no shouting just a short, 'you pulled hair, that isn't nice so you can't carry on painting/playing with charlotte etc
3. Bribary and corruption. If 'childminder' tells me you didn't pull any hair today, we can stop and get some chocolate buttons (or whatever) on the way home. If you're told hes pulled hair - remind him he won't be getting those buttons then.

Most important, stay consistant. And yes it may be heartbreaking if you have to remove his favourite toy car or something and he cries, but it will sink in very fast at that age, that this specific thing he is doing, has a consequence he does not like.

I had an almost 2 year old that was a biter. Used to launch himself at other dc and bite them. With him, it was the toy removal thing worked and in less than a week there was no more biting. He still loves me, and is now a lovely teenager, even though at the time I felt like the most horrible mother on the planet for taking away his favourite toy. He just simply did not respond to being told off for it, but it certainly sank in fast when there was an actual consequence.

Repeatedly you've said you are not responsible for his behaviour when he's not with you.

Parenting is about teaching children right from wrong. Consistently. Continually. He clearly has no clue.

I don't believe this is simply a case of 'he's only 2'

He's behaving like a little monster because presumably he knows you won't do anything about it.

How he behaves with other people is a direct reflection of your parenting and standards.

Yes, you need to find a new childminder/nursery, but you need to open your eyes and sort out your child before he becomes a problem at school (only in 2 years time)

I would look for alternative childcare.

I had a nursery where they complained constantly about my child pinching other kids. Which stressed me out massively but he didn't do it at home so I couldn't do much about him doing it there. And obviously I was distressed that he was hurting other kids to the extent they were having to tell the other parents.

Moved him somewhere else where they gave the children more stimulation and supervised them better and it was never mentioned again. I think he was bored in the first place because they just left them to it a lot of the time.

I’d pull my child out of childcare if they were having their hair pulled to a degree that they were screaming in fear at the mere sight of the child. He does sound like a monster.

It also sounds like you do not discipline him. Telling him off is not putting consequences in place for the behaviours he’s displaying - which at 8 are targeted and bullying. He’s using physical violence to get what he wants, you are 100% responsible for that.

You’d be closer to being right if the child was 8. He’s 2.

I had a nursery where they complained constantly about my child pinching other kids. Which stressed me out massively but he didn't do it at home so I couldn't do much about him doing it there. And obviously I was distressed that he was hurting other kids to the extent they were having to tell the other parents.
The big difference here though,is the child is doing the behaviour at home as well. Yours wasn’t.

@MichaelFabricantWig my reading comprehension is severely off this morning.

@rzk sorry, for some reason I’d read that as you having an 8yo DS pulling your 2yo DDs hair. My PP has no relevance, a 2yo pulling hair is far different to an 8yo. It’s all about repeating “no” at that age, but I do think you should find a different childminder.

Some replies on this thread are bizarre.
CM language wasn't appropriate or professional and she is not suggesting a sit down to discuss the issue.
She doesn't take them out all day? That's concerning, children need outside time to burn off energy.
She should try removing some toys and consider loose parts or open ended play.
Op never said that the boys behaviour isn't her responsibility she said she physically cannot stop him.as she at works. She can only tell CM what she does at home and work together on it.
At 2 years 3 months, tone.of voice, facial expressions are key. Forget star charts etc that's too young. Lots of praise xhanging tone of voice and facial expressions for using "kind hands".
Lots of stern faces and low tone of voice. "We use kind hands" (say the behaviour you want to see).
In regards to the child screaming..is that because they have heard CM e stern with your ds and they are picking up on it. In my experience small children love showing how "good" they are to the child who is being "bad".

Childminders vary hugely. A friend has a very limited number of children over the week, and spends lots of time outdoors walking/playing in the garden. A friend of DD's also does it, and the children spend the entire day indoors in a purpose built playroom and have about 20 minutes outside at most.

His behaviour would suggest that he's defensive and not relaxed, and she's probably on edge around him too which doesn't sound a good combination for either of them. I'd look around for someone who is a better fit. All toddlers go through this phase, he's not a monster at all he's just capable of acting like a little one at times. There's an ocean of difference. Don't let it get you down.

If he continues pulling hair, some kids can hit him back. You yourself said he does the same with his own 8 months old sister. Your son has behaviour issues, and rather than defending yourself and blaming childminder, you need to focus on changing his behaviour. Are you ok with the fact other kids don't (understandably) like him?

Could it be that he is not happy with the childminder, and knowing that his bad behaviour attracts attention, he is doing this on purpose?

So are orher kids, some even younger at childminder?
Imagine all kids pulling each others hair and hitting. Would you then say it's normal as they are all 2?

Could it be that he is not happy with the childminder, and knowing that his bad behaviour attracts attention, he is doing this on purpose?
But he is pulling his sisters hair at home as well. Is he not happy there either?

Childminder has a duty to protect the others in her care.

Other children have a right not to be assaulted at childcare or scared to go back.

Teaching starts at home, nurseries/school don't toilet train toddlers its the parents job to do at home... I assume this is seen the same, she cant concentrait solely on blocking your child from attacking others, it should be a given that he doesnt so she can concentrait on caring for all the children.

Maybe your DS needs one to one care like a babysitter until this is resolved rather than a group enviroment where one adult has to care for multiple children and has a duty to protect the others.

It might not be deliberate even but that doesn't mean other put up with it, my baby girl was recently harrased by a boy a month younger. I dont think the boy meant any harm but he kept forcibly hugging her and not letting go, as they are both young toddlers his weight pushed her over and several time my daughter banged her head hard on the ground.

It got to the point where she would also scream when she saw him, the mam just wanted to chat rather than stop it (seemed to think its a phase so everyone else just has to deal with it... no) and took it personally and got passive-agressive when I started removing my daughter from where her DS was.

At the end of the day my daughter who is minding her own business was repeatedly hurt and that the mothers job to sought out not the people who ran the group we where at.

If this was the other way round and you DS was crying and scared to go to the childminder because another boy keeps biting him or pinching him etc... and hurting him would you honestly be thinking 'oh but the other mams at work so my DS should just deal with it'.

Only after she has fully put a stop to this behaviour at home can she say that she has no control over him doing it there. Sounds like he needs more than just discipline. Children are the product of their environment. He also needs to be taught kindness. The golden rule should be taught from the start.

You are his parent! Of course you are responsible! Jesus wept 🤦🏻‍♀️