Childminder called my son a monster

[rzk]

My two year old son goes to a childminder. He's a sweet boy, but he has been misbehaving lately. Basically, he pulls other children's hair when he wants a toy. Whenever he does that to his little sister (8 months) we tell him off sternly.
A lot of the times we prevent it from happening because we see he's about to do it and we pull him away.

I know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and I fully support the childminder discipling him ( within reason)

I'm just so upset at the language they used at pickup "He's been an absolute monster today. We can't go on like this. A little girl screamed when she walked in and saw him. We can't have children coming in being scared. Something has to give. We have to start being much more stern with him".

I'm quite upset. I know my son isn't a saint, but he's also not a monster. I also don't understand why they are confronting me as if I can do anything about it. When he's at the childminder I am working, that's why I use childcare. I have no influence on what he is doing there.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I think partly I am upset and partly I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to teach him to stop pulling hair?

We knew a child like yours OP. Part of extended family. He would constantly hit and scream at our DD to get attention/to get the toy/whatever. The irony is that he clearly absolutely loved DD but because his parents were not very good parents, they weren't able to show him that this was not okay behaviour. His verbal communication was very poor so the "stern telling off" and "how do you think Tired's DD feels when you do that" was even more pointless than for any other 2 year old.

One day, a few years later, he jumped on her stomach. We calmly got up and left the event at which we were at. We were 100% accused of being OTT, that it was just a bit of "rough and tumble" etc. But we were tired of telling our DD that she had to accept this sort of behaviour. Interestingly, he's still hyper and annoying around us, but he hasn't hit or jumped on or kicked DD since.

However, I recently spoke to a mutual friend who told me that they are now avoiding spending too much time with this family because the behaviour of the boy is such a problem that her children get upset and it's almost impossible to maintain a conversation while they're out and about. She said they were at an external activity a few weeks ago and the boy was so out of control that eventually her and her DC quietly slipped off. I suspect this is true of many other families too.

100% this.

I also read in your post that you stop him before he does it at home. That is because there is probably only you, him and your daughter there. In a childminding set up there will be other kids and the childminder(s) will be paying attention but there will never be a childminder (unless it's on a one to one basis so maybe a Nanny) that can give a child the attention like their parents can.

What do you do to discipline him if you don't see that it's about to happen and he does it? That's what the childminder is likely trying to do and needs your support in helping to guide your son to stop doing it at all.

Try to work with the childminder instead of having a kneejerk reaction and thinking you're going to withdraw your son.

@Dinosaurs23 and guess what - that little girl whose hair he's pulled will bloody survive.

What the absolute ever-loving fuck did I just read?!?? Please tell me someone hacked your account or a computer glitch meant a robot wrote this. I agree the mother is doing all she can, but your dismissive, misogynist attitude reeks of 'boys will be boys so too bad for the girls'. No girl should have to 'survive' having their hair pulled by a male, or being raped, or any other assault. The fact that you wave this away so dismissively is ever so deeply disturbing and makes me wonder what else you'd wave away in the 'girls will survive boys attacks, so, whatever' mindset.

You comment is so deeply disturbing, especially in 2022. I just cannot believe I read that.

I’m not quite aligned i think it’s ok to say he’s been an absolute monster, it’s very different to saying he is a monster. I think uou are focusing on the wrong issue

your post is all about how it’s not your fault , all about she used the wrong words but in reality you should be focusing on children are scared of him, that he hires other kids, and that he’s even doing it to an 8 month old and you are unable to stop him but tell him off after. If you can’t stop him how can the child minder?

I think you are being unfair and focusing on the wrong thing/

And instead a load of parent blaming bullshit. he's two years old. TWO.

Yes, and that little girl who screamed in terror when she saw him arrive is also probably at a young and vulnerable age.

and guess what - that little girl whose hair he's pulled will bloody survive.

That's all right then? Surviving! It would be nice if the other children there could relax and play and just be children, and not be in any way traumatised.

I haven't seen any "parent blaming" - just posters pointing out the fact that it is the OPs responsibility to address this behaviour.

He sounds like a monsteR. What about the poor kids he hurts and are scared of him??

I think it's a good idea to switch to a nursery that can take him out more, he obviously need more space to run around and maybe less kids.

Dr Laura Markham would say 'he's not being a problem, he's having a problem' and Bonnie Harris says 'all behaviour is communication" (or maybe the other way round.

He is communicating that he really doesn't like the nursery. I suggest you focus on connection at home and look for a new nursery asap. Sound like sharing is a massive deal for him, so that would be something else to encourage, share with him and notice when he shares.

www.ahaparenting.com

bonnieharris.com

also read 'siblings without rivalry' as he's just got a new sibling and is obv suffering with it.

Except he does it at home too so what is he communicating there? That he doesn't like home.

I know that gentle parenting and attachment parenting and all these buzzwords are the thing and I'm all for parents being understanding, sympathetic and getting to the bottom of whatever is really going on.

But a 2 year old pulling hair needs to be stopped in its tracks. we ALL need to learn that some things just aren't okay, no matter what.

If your child had learned at home that hair pulling is not acceptable then he won't do it in other settings either. So yes, you are responsible for how he behaves elsewhere and it's clear that you are not doing enough to stop the behaviour.

Your child was being a monster. Other children in the setting are scared of him. I'd be devastated if another child was scared of mine and asking what I've done wrong.

He needs to be taught how to ask to share.
Rewarded when he does it. (Praise, stickers, whatever..)
Equally rewarded when he accepts a 'not now' or 'i don't want to,' etc.

Also taught 'taking turns' and 'waiting for turns.'

He's not a little monster, but he is a little animal, learning to be a little older in human society.

I haven’t read the full thread but I think “your child is a monster” is completely different to “he’s been a little monster today”. Along the lines of “you’re a bitch,” or “you’ve been bitchy”. I’d be horrified if other children were scared of my child to be honest. Yes, he is two but something needs to give.

He's not a monster. he's two years old. and guess what - that little girl whose hair he's pulled will bloody survive.

You are absolutely right. He is not a monster, he is two years old. The girl will absolutely survive, but possibly she will survive more happily somewhere else if her parents pull her and put her somewhere else. That’s the conundrum the childminder is facing. It’s nearly a certainty that ‘this too shall pass’ but the childminder probably has a level of nervousness involving her hip pocket meanwhile. As I said previously, probably best to move him to a nursery with multiple staff, best for him and the other parents at present, and also the OP who really needs the guarantee of stable childcare due to work.

exactly this!!! Well said

The number of posters who are agreeing with @Dinosaurs23 's "she will survive" comment makes me despair.

This is why girls and women land up in horrible relationships. Becuase from when they are TWO they are told that someone hurting them isn't a big deal. Because punishing a 2 year old for hurting them is considered more of a problem that helping the girl who is hurt. Because pain that doesn't cause long term damage is considered something they should just live with.

He’s not bloody Chucky 🤣he’s two. Lots of children go through phases like this.

Especially those whose parents think that the behaviour is not their responsibility, as the OP here does.

I understand it is not nice to hear your son being referred to as a 'monster'. I don't like that language either and would feel offended myself, however she probably didn't mean to insult him. It does sound like she is willing to work through his behavioral issues with you as she stated, ' we have to start being stern with him'. I would suggest you have a conversation with her and ask her for suggestions, and what she means by being stern. With her experience she could offer you guidance and maybe the both of you could agree on a shared disciplinary method that will work in both homes. Regardless of how you feel about her choice of words, your main concern should working on your sons behavior instead

What? There aren’t many children /adults who go through life pulling hair, when they don’t get their own way. It’s a PHASE.

In nursery it’s not HER responsibility anyway (she isn’t there) so it’s the childminders.

There is a post elsewhere on this site about how poorly behaved school children have become. Your childminders are trying to stop your child developing into another one. Sounds to me like they have given you a headsup to try to sort it out either yourself or by working with them to solve it. But they are correct, it cant continue and if you dont step up, with their help, then maybe you better take your child elsewhere so the other children can be happy. Unfortunately its not so easy for schools to do that.

You can’t be serious. There are multitudes of adults who are violent when they don’t get their own way. The bloody jails are full of them.

Yes!!!

2 year olds need to go out regularly and explore, burn off energy.

I used to walk DD a mile in the morning and a mile in the afternoon. She wanted to go.

she could have gone further. Sometimes we did much more. Helps with night time sleep.

saw a 3 year old in a trolly misbehaving in the supermarket today. Not surprised. Kids need to move.

i find it lazy when people in childcare decide that “it’s winter we won’t go out anymore”

maybe look at a forest school for him.

but you do need to get on top of his behaviour. Hair pulling is painful and upsetting and two to three months is long enough. No child should be scared of your DS.

There aren’t many children /adults who go through life pulling hair, when they don’t get their own way.

No, but there are way too many men who thin it's okay to hit their partners and children. Also who behave appallingly and use manipulative techniques to get what they want. Adults (often men) who truly believe that their wants and needs trump everyone else's.

Children learn behaviour. And they learn when certain behaviours get them what they want. And if those are set in place young, even when they're older, they will expect the same. When he goes to pull hair at home and OP jumps in - I bet she gives him the toy or whatever it is BEFORE he can just grab it.

Oh for fuck sake the child is 2. Get a grip.

This!