Mums of toddlers with little support - can we be HONEST about this please?

[TiredTabbyCat]

I've name changed since I feel the stigma of this. I am craving an honest conversation with somebody about how fucking hard it is to bring up a toddler, especially with no support network. I've tried (under different user names) to reach out on here before but have met with comments such as "what a shame you don't enjoy spending time with your child" / "it was your choice to have a child" / "wait till you have 2 / 3 / 4 children".

In real life my friends' DC are all older and I feel like Mums either forget or choose to forget the toddler years once they're gone. I overheard a woman in a waiting room this morning, saying that now she looks back at the toddler years and thinks there's no way she could go through all that again. I wanted to run over to her and hug her for being honest!!

At soft play other mums ask surface questions about nursery hours, potty training, but no-one says "it's shit isn't it". Is it because they're all coping beautifully? Or do we keep this under wraps? Are we all privately hating this?

Some Mums probably do cope better than me. Maybe they have a supportive Mum who's their best friend, or a wider family and grandparents who help out and take care of their child for the odd afternoon, or babysit sometimes. Maybe they've got a good friendship group of other mums with toddlers, or their partners work 9-5 and can help out at bedtime. Maybe their child will sit nicely and do colouring and doesn't run away whenever they walk outside or run around and grab everything in sight. I have none of this. I do have a loving partner but he works away half the week and gets home at 9pm normally. My mum is controlling bully so I don't see her, and there's no other family. My toddler is a bolter and a thrill seeker.

But I have no-one to share this with and no-one who gets it. I can't be the only one.

So can we PLEASE have an honest chat on here, without judgement or patronising comments?

• We know the caveats. We LOVE our children so much. We love the bones of them. And we know how lucky we are to have a healthy child.
• We want a family and we visualise and dream about those happy days in the future when we will go on a family holiday, Christmasses, gorgeous moments.

But can I say..

It is so shit
I bloody hate the drudgery
I hate the constant on edge of distracting away from the next tantrum
My body is TIRED
Having snacks ready, a new thing to play with, thinking ahead to what's going to set him off and how I can avoid it
I hate the constant changes. He learnt to sleep through the night and did it for ages so WHY won't he fucking sleep?!?!
I hate having zero time any more for me. I miss reading books, going to the gym, spending time on my self care, sitting quietly.
I miss my clean and tidy home.
My back is completely messed up from all the carrying and lifting a heavy 2 year old and licking him up off the floor.
I yearn for the day when he will be able to get himself ready.
I yearn for bedtimes most days.
I have aged a decade in 2 years.
I yearn for my partner to fucking hurry up and get home from work just once before bath time so it isn't just me.
Everyday is just rinse and repeat
Weekends aren't a treat anymore. I look forward to going to work.
Desperately trying to find soft play and places to book so we never have the sheer hell of a full afternoon in the house.
Trying to explain to child-free friends why I can't go to that wedding, and why it wouldn't be a good idea to just bring my 2 year old along.
Above all knowing how much I love him and yet how exhausted I feel and how I don't know where I am anymore.

Can anyone relate?

Yes! It is in the past for me, but I remember it very well. It was pretty crap. I don't have advice but I do have a lot of sympathy.

Yeah right there with you! It’s wonderful but also my god the days are long sometimes

Well I have toddler twins and work full time and am also a single parent - yup it's shit at times 😄

Agree.
I pass parents now with a toddler in tow, and I catch snippets of their conversation - 'the ducks like the water don't they?' 'Yes, they do. The ducks like the water don't they mummy' - and it's just so so tedious; and I feel deeply sorry for the parent, and thank goodness I don't have to do that any more.

I had no support when I had my first child, had moved away from family. I had the mind set I would enjoy my time with them whilst being a SAHM, We used to go out everyday even if it was for a walk in the rain, couldn’t drive. Found adult and parent groups and got support through them even if it was talking over problems with little one.
I have had depression on and off my entire life, but found if I could a positive spin on life it helps a lot. You only get one chance at life, make the most of it.

Yes and I do agree on the whole that other women seem to want to make it look like they are coping well when I know they just have shit shit shit days.

I did wind up chatting to a girl I met at the beach and I was honest about it. She seemed really down, maybe even pnd and I am sure the fact everyone goes on about how amazing it is to have children makes you wonder why you don't think it actually is amazing when your living it.

On the whole, it's amazing but day to day it is fucking exhausting.

You are not alone!
It is really, really tough!

It did get better for me once they were at school because I could carve out half an hour of me time to go for a run or have a coffee whilst they were at a club, or finally playing by themselves...

You've got to top up the well somehow.

Does he not nap and give you a break? It's tough but that's why lots resort to Tv or other screens etc and go back to work l

Yes it's hard. My autistic son is nearly 4 but developmentally around 18m so we've been at this stage a long time. Family can't help as he won't be with anyone but us. It is hard. No denying it.

This is such a shitty phrase but I think you need to find your 'tribe'. I have a group of friends with kids aged between 1 and 4 and our WhatsApp chat is basically a constant stream of us all moaning about how shit life with a baby/toddler/small child can be. With all the caveats you have given obviously! I don't know anyone who doesn't feel that way to be honest.

I hated the toddler years with my eldest. Everything was a battle, several prolonged temper tantrums, no naps (or very, very short ones), didn’t sleep through ever. I was living away from my home town, husband worked long hours, and no family or friends to help. It was fucking shit. I get it.

Well there are good days and bad days. But yes, I remember people telling me to cherish the precious moments because the days are long but the years are short, which is completely true...but, the days could be SO LONG. I went back to work just so I could pee without someone pulling a table over.

I totally hear you. I struggled, really struggled!! I found the newborn and toddler years so hard, I was a sahm so it was day in day out. I just kept alot to myself I didn't want to seem like I was constantly moaning or not enjoying it. I had 2 children 2 and a half years apart. I just took it one day at a time and told my self it will one day get better. Mine are now 8 and 6 and it's so great now. The early years everyone finds hard whether they like to admit it or not, most of us would of felt like running away from it all or giving them away many times. You are not alone x

HATED it with a passion. DD4 is now better company - but the endless drudgery and utter boredom wore me to a sliver of my former self. I have also evenutally found my tribe of people who are honest about the shitness. I also made a decision on to only have 1 child as I cannot do that all again - and I'm sticking to it. There is so much pressure on women to 'have it all' and the societal expectation that these are golden years.... gah!

Yeah it's bloody awful. Mummy mummy mummy mummy MUMMY.

I have two kids, a DD1 (6yo) and DD2 (18 mos). DH and I both work full time (I'm compressed hours over 4 days), but we have a lot of flexibility, and can WFH if needed. Nonetheless, we have no family locally, and it's HARD. There's no-one to help if one of the children is off sick, no-one to give you a few hours off at the weekend, as parents you're basically an exhausted tag team.

Does your toddler go to nursery at all, would that be an option for you? I appreciate it's tough financially, but when the 30 hours kicks in it becomes much more affordable, and it sounds like you really need a break. DD2 goes to nursery 4 days, and it's essential to my sanity. I don't think I could cope being home with her FT, she really needs the stimulation of nursery; being at work feels peaceful compared to being at home!

My DD sounds fairly similar to yours, she's a whirlwind and isn't happy to sit quietly while I do other things, although I live for nap time! From the vantage point of also having an older child, my advice would be:

• investigate childcare, whether it's nursery or a reliable but ad-hoc childminder.
• once your child reaches school age, really throw yourself into making friends with other parents. It's hard, and you have to really put yourself out there, but once you've got someone who's up for reciprocal drop & run playdates, you have the possibility of a couple of hours at weekends back.
• a lot of people feel tired, fed up, ground down, but it's generally not a small-talk opener! My soft-play chat is usually a lot more superficial than that. It's not personal, just that people won't unload on a stranger.
• step away from Instamums. They'll just leave you feeling worse.

I don't know if it's being an older mum, or having an older child, but the thing that helps me the most is to stop comparing yourself to other people. Really don't think that you're the only one struggling and everyone else is doing it perfectly - you're not failing, and all you're seeing is a snapshot of their lives. You'll get there.

Yep. You're not alone. My parents live four hours drive away and would love to help us out and be nearer but can't move away from my dad's cancer specialist just yet.

My husband's parents are one hour away but they're very hands off grandparents so offer no help in terms of childcare etc.

It's rubbish. I wish we could have a break every few weekends or even have help in terms of childcare for one day a week as it would save us £160 in fees per month.

I love my son but I do struggle to think of things to do with him when we're alone together.

I feel for you. I have twins who are now 8 but bloody hell the baby and toddler years were SO FUCKING HARD!!
Don't compare yourself to others. Chances are they probably do feel.the same way and are just trying not to show it.
Also people who have family help really won't get it either. It is so completely different if you can just drop DC off at your mums for a couple of hours every now and then, to having to have them.with you literally every second. Everything is hard work with toddlers. Just going to the supermarket is an absolute mission. But it WILL get easier I promise you.
I used to want to punch the people who used to say things like 'enjoy every second, they'll be grown up soon'

I hated the toddler years. I have one Dd who in reality wasn't that bad - she wasn't bolter or climber. I worked part time but my husband and I had a lot of issues (him being a dick who felt he could live his pre-child life, whilst I was lumbered with everything)
I hated it. I was tired, as much as I loved my child I hated how reliant she was on me, she went through spells of not sleeping, early starts (430/5am) wake ups when 10am feels like lunch and you count down the minutes ans seconds u til cbeebies started at 6am. I hated the brain fog and that I never got time for me. I hated how tired and miserable i was and how I felt old and aged and fat. I also hated myself for how much I resented this being (dd) who I also loved with all my heart.

But unless you were a good friend I would never have told you this because

A - I probably should have ditched the husband - we've since sorted our issues.

B - I think we (women) don't really talk about truly how hard it is and we put on a brave face and smile - society has an expectation of mothers being all loving and happy and if you aren't then somehow we have failed.

I loved having toddlers and I didn't have a support network around me.Yes they tantrum but they are easily pleased by little things, like bubbles or walking on a wall.

I’ve been there in terms of the lack of support but what saved my sanity was working FT. DD was happy at daycare, I got to talk to adults all day and then we all appreciated the time we spent together at weekends. I won’t lie, it was tough whenever she was sick and that meant taking time off work but DH and I would take turns and we got through it.

Lol yes it's pretty shit. I really hated it with my first- I had no idea wtf I was doing, blamed myself for doing everything wrong, was convinced everyone was judging me, felt like this stage would last forever.

My second is a toddler now and I just don't really care as much about all that because I know it's normal and works itself out before too long. Her tantrum face is very funny when she drops her lip too. The days are long but you learn the tricks eg take them to a forest park, stick a pair of reins on them and let them puddle about for as long as you can be arsed and you'll be rewarded with a quieter afternoon and easier bedtime.

My standards are also lower now. Bathtime is twice a week, not every day. She doesn't have a diet designed by me based on perfect balance and nutrition, she just gets whatever's in the cupboard. Sometimes she wears her pyjamas all day if we aren't going out. I no longer panic about screen time. I give her a bottle at night still and will until she doesn't want it anymore and I don't care what the health visitor thinks. It makes it all a bit more bearable.

I agree - the toddler years were gruelling at times. My DC are both now at school but yes, at times it was awful, boring etc.
I was lucky in that I made friends with like minded parents who also got it, had their own issues etc & we could vent together - & still do! I love my DC but there are lots of times when it's absolutely shit & you should be allowed to say that.

It's mind numbing, it's why I went back to work, much better for them to be at nursery, and to enjoy quality family time evenings and weekends, while I enjoy and am challenged by my work during the week.

That’s why you need like minded friends. Have you met anyone? I couldn’t have got through it without them