Mums of toddlers with little support - can we be HONEST about this please?

[TiredTabbyCat]

I've name changed since I feel the stigma of this. I am craving an honest conversation with somebody about how fucking hard it is to bring up a toddler, especially with no support network. I've tried (under different user names) to reach out on here before but have met with comments such as "what a shame you don't enjoy spending time with your child" / "it was your choice to have a child" / "wait till you have 2 / 3 / 4 children".

In real life my friends' DC are all older and I feel like Mums either forget or choose to forget the toddler years once they're gone. I overheard a woman in a waiting room this morning, saying that now she looks back at the toddler years and thinks there's no way she could go through all that again. I wanted to run over to her and hug her for being honest!!

At soft play other mums ask surface questions about nursery hours, potty training, but no-one says "it's shit isn't it". Is it because they're all coping beautifully? Or do we keep this under wraps? Are we all privately hating this?

Some Mums probably do cope better than me. Maybe they have a supportive Mum who's their best friend, or a wider family and grandparents who help out and take care of their child for the odd afternoon, or babysit sometimes. Maybe they've got a good friendship group of other mums with toddlers, or their partners work 9-5 and can help out at bedtime. Maybe their child will sit nicely and do colouring and doesn't run away whenever they walk outside or run around and grab everything in sight. I have none of this. I do have a loving partner but he works away half the week and gets home at 9pm normally. My mum is controlling bully so I don't see her, and there's no other family. My toddler is a bolter and a thrill seeker.

But I have no-one to share this with and no-one who gets it. I can't be the only one.

So can we PLEASE have an honest chat on here, without judgement or patronising comments?

• We know the caveats. We LOVE our children so much. We love the bones of them. And we know how lucky we are to have a healthy child.
• We want a family and we visualise and dream about those happy days in the future when we will go on a family holiday, Christmasses, gorgeous moments.

But can I say..

It is so shit
I bloody hate the drudgery
I hate the constant on edge of distracting away from the next tantrum
My body is TIRED
Having snacks ready, a new thing to play with, thinking ahead to what's going to set him off and how I can avoid it
I hate the constant changes. He learnt to sleep through the night and did it for ages so WHY won't he fucking sleep?!?!
I hate having zero time any more for me. I miss reading books, going to the gym, spending time on my self care, sitting quietly.
I miss my clean and tidy home.
My back is completely messed up from all the carrying and lifting a heavy 2 year old and licking him up off the floor.
I yearn for the day when he will be able to get himself ready.
I yearn for bedtimes most days.
I have aged a decade in 2 years.
I yearn for my partner to fucking hurry up and get home from work just once before bath time so it isn't just me.
Everyday is just rinse and repeat
Weekends aren't a treat anymore. I look forward to going to work.
Desperately trying to find soft play and places to book so we never have the sheer hell of a full afternoon in the house.
Trying to explain to child-free friends why I can't go to that wedding, and why it wouldn't be a good idea to just bring my 2 year old along.
Above all knowing how much I love him and yet how exhausted I feel and how I don't know where I am anymore.

Can anyone relate?

Can’t say I loved it . I got plenty of time off because he started nursery at 16 weeks old and by a year was doing four full days .
I loved the bones of my son but come Sunday I was looking forward to dropping him off. Daughter was a much easier child but I’d already buckled by 10 months and started nursery part time for her too. I never made any mum friends or went to any groups , I tried to stay in touch with my workmates but they drifted away once I couldn’t go to the pub anymore so I ended up without a solitary bloody soul to speak to . 1/10 wouldn’t recommend. Much prefer them older .

I went back to work - full time - as soon as maternity leave ended. I was bored out of my tree. Looking after wee people is boring drudgery. I was a much better parent when I didn't have to do it full time. Hang in there. It won't last forever. Even although it might feel like it.....

My advice would just be give up on expecting anything nice until they are 3. It’s tough. I’ve got an 18 month old at the moment and three older ones. It just seems less hard this time as I have accepted it’s just a time of tiredness, aches, chaos and having no time for myself except going on mumsnet while he naps on me or is immersed in playing with his brothers. It’s hard, but you’re almost past the worst. With my first it was harder as I had to entertain her and deal with the culture shock of becoming a mother.

Op WHY are you TTC??
It is fine to not enjoy motherhood but please don't have another.

What day is it?
Tuesday
Is tomorrow Wednesday?
Yes
Is the next day Thursday?
Yes
Was yesterday Monday?
Yes
What day is it today?
Tuesday

toddlers are a bit of a drain! It gets better every birthday. At three they can sometimes explain things without crying...

I can totally relate, I had two babies 16 months apart, they are now three and four. I had absolutely no help, they're both terrible sleepers, my husband often worked away and a lot of this time was during Covid lockdown. It was hell! I'm still jealous of people that get support from grandparents etc, but have come to terms with that not being my reality.

I don't have time to write much more at the moment but I will come back… I just wanted to say that it does get easier! My three year old now goes to preschool four days a week and my four year old is in Primary 1! I work part time but still managed to shoehorn a little bit of quiet time (and time to just get on with things in the house before I go and pick them up).

I agree fully @TiredTabbyCat

I love my kids. But I have never known anybody to have the capacity to just shit all over your life the way a toddler can.

It is savage and it is utterly relentless.

I have living in a constant state of anxiety. We are always just minutes from an accident - a trip, a fall down the stairs, dropping something on somebody and my life is spent constantly trying to mitigate them.

I can plan ahead and try to be prepared to every contingency but then they just throw some complete curveball that i could never have foreseen and which has the potential to turn the whole day to shit.

I genuinely don't understand how people did this in previous generations.

In general though, I think it is a combination of two things - some people are just better equipped to deal with it, whether that be a great support network, or just a natural abundance of patience.....or they have easier kids.

I don't have much support (husband also works away) and my kids are hard work. So yes, fully agree, it is bloody hard.

I haven't forgotten the toddler years. I use the word "toddler" to quel broody urges when I see cute babies.

2y+ SPD pregnancy was tough
3y+ 1y... OMG
4y+ 2y... well I was at my fittest from sprinting everywhere after a child and often carrying one.

It turned out that DS1 has autism so that's why his toddler years were so, so long and bewildering. At least as he's grown up, he can articulate things like the birds are really annoying.

I couldn't seem to do anything without someone falling asleep at an awful time. Things like posting a letter became ridiculously difficult.

I can remember driving to work facing a day of teaching teenagers in a school in special measures and thinking "ahhhh!" Just the 20min drive alone was bliss.

Of course I love my children, and I've put a lot in to keeping them alive and thriving, but it can be bloody hard and bloody lonely. Having worked, that broke the babyhood friendships and second babies were all at different stages.

Different ages suit different people. I like babies even if they are knackering, and I like older ones that can at least tell you why it's the end of the world. As the teenage years approach, I'd rather cintinue forwards into the thick of that than go back to 18m-4y.

If you're still in the toddler years, good luck out there, it will pass and most people find the primary years much easier and more rewarding. There are good times to look forwards to.

I definitely look back with my rose tinted spectacles on. Looking at photos, the kids were super cute. Less than a year and a half between them.

But I hardly remember a thing about DD2 being tiny.
There's very few photos of me.
Those that there are, I am toddler wrangling. First shoes - yes me with gritted teeth, child upsidedown sliding off lap. Holiday- child covered in sticky mess, me pushing a car load of crap along in a buggy.

One fabulous picture is a selfie I took with DH in the background wrestling two small children and the buggy.
I remember taking the photo and thinking 'Take that, have 10 minutes of my life'. DH wasn't around much so that was my see I told you so moment 😁.

My main way of getting them upstairs was one under each arm like a battering rams. Always carrying an apple, a book, a toy, a pack of wipes, a change of clothes etc etc.

My mum friends were a mix. Some of them full earth mother, some were more straight talking. I'm still friends with the straight talking ones.

Yep it is hard work.

I'm not saying it's easy now mine are both at secondary age (far from it), but I definitely get a bit more time to myself.

The op is so true.
Mine are 10 and 12 now and it is so much better.
Looking back I felt like I emerged from what you describe when the youngest turned 4. Then it was a gradual climb onwards and upwards. I felt i had defintely left it all behind when we got rid of the last car booster.
Bliss. I couldn't do it again. But, I'm proud I got through it cos those years are ton as all hell but you're losing the foundations for the person ahead. The investment is huge though!!!

No support here either - and DH and I both come from dysfunctional/useless/unhelpful families, so it's not even like we could move to get support. I do have excellent friends with kids the same age though and they're a lifeline, but I had to make them from scratch when DS was born as most of my pre-kid friends are single or committed DINKs.

I quite like the toddler phase, but I had a horrific pregnancy (HG and prenatal anxiety and depression) and also hated the baby phase. I actually cut my maternity leave short and went back to work early because I was so fed up with looking after a demanding blob. I don't find newborns cute - they smell questionable and cry all the time and don't fucking do anything.

TBH I think the only reason I enjoy parenting at all is because I work full time. If I were a SAHM, I would have gone insane. I am in awe of people who can finger paint and go to soft play and do cute crafts and spend hours playing pretend with a toddler, because all of those things make me want to stab myself in the eye.

I also have a feral bolter/thrill seeker. He absolutely does not sit quietly and color BUT I'm lucky enough to live in a bug city with plenty of stuff to take him to right by my front door. I think if I lived in the suburbs or anywhere more isolated, I'd really struggle.

Oh and it took me at least 6 years to put my jealousy of mums with family/wider support behind me. Those who dropped their kids off once a week or more and got a bit of time to themselves. I had none of that and it really bothered me for a while. I got it into perspective eventually though, helped by things getting easier.

OP - I should add that today I was looking forward to a smear test to get an hour away from my two year old, who is being majorly challenging this week!

Hang on in there. Almost all toddlers are really hard in their own way. Sure there are some unusually cherubic, placid ones but most are like ours!

I have a toddler, partner works very long hours. All my family lives abroad, my partner's family lives 3 hours away so we have no help whatsoever and we've never had.
I'm a SAHM, we don't have funds for hired help, we're waiting to get the free hours after my son turns 3.

I personally don't think who says to be coping well is not being truthful. I hate the baby stage and I don't do well with it.
But I was thriving with my toddler, I genuinely loved it so much. Did everything on my own most of the time with some challenges but always felt good about it. It was hard and days were long on my own, but I could handle it.
I think it depends massively on the child's temperament and personality, my toddler has never ran off or anything like that for example, I could go places, classes and do fun things with him fairly easily considering his age.

Then we had our second baby a few months ago and let me tell you, now we're definitely not thriving, we're just surviving..barely on some days to be honest!

I feel like maybe we all cope differently with different ages, and some children are more challenging than others.

I am not cut for the baby stage at all, but I could chat nonsense and play with my toddler all day and actually truly enjoy it. Tantrums I could deal with, but baby crying, whining and non stop fussing I struggle big time. I struggled a lot with my first as a baby as well, I just dislike that stage so much, I find it more demanding and exhausting! Most mothers I met used to say they love newborn snuggles and all that, I felt bad because I was sort of one wishing it away.

If you meet other mums occasionally and you're not close to them, they'll probably won't feel comfortable to share their challenges.
If I meet someone now, and they ask me how I'm finding it, most of the time I just omit lots, and I say it's tiring but don't go into much details on how I struggle daily. I find it awkward to share and also I'm never sure if who is asking actually wants to know or they're just having a polite light chat.
But when I get the chance to speak to my siblings (who have children similar age to me but in a different country) I can vent and be honest about how hard I'm finding it. Do you go to any classes with your toddler? We made some good friends at a swimming class and at a music class when my first was younger.

Anyway don't feel alone in your feelings. There are plenty of parents who feel the same.
Others may feel otherwise but just because some seem to cope well, it doesn't mean they don't find it difficult too and it doesn't diminish your feelings and experience of it.

Wow today is definitely the day I needed to see this thread. We don’t have extended family childcare, and I’m on Mat leave at the moment. I feel like everyone judges so much when I say out loud that I can’t wait to go back to work. Yes, we love the bones of them but the boredom/monotonous days and loneliness hits hard. There is so much about this thread that I am nodding along with thinking, it’s not just me after all - THANK YOU mumsnetters for saving my sanity!!!!

I used to look around the toddler group and wonder why the other mums looked so relaxed and happy - I used to panic and think there was something wrong with me because I was screaming inside with the sheer tedium and drudge. If one of mum friends gleefully suggested the park or a picnic I’d wonder why they didn’t suggest an evening with just adults drinking wine. I was not cut out to mother toddlers.

That said - I enjoyed them more and more as they gained independence (which I encouraged) and never had any problem with them as teens. They’re young adults now and we love spending time together whereas people who enjoyed the kiddie years find that harder ime.

It will pass!

I 100% agree with you! Love my two (5 and almost 2) but I am exhausted!!! I would say (maybe a glimmer of hope) my 5 year old us now so much easier and when they're in the right mood they play beautifully together which gives me a bit of a break!

Well, I want a family of 2 children (ideally). I just hate the toddler bit.

I think I'll enjoy the older ages more. I work with challenging teenagers and love it. I know it's not the same when they're your own of course, as it's always far harder, but some people generally don't like teenagers whereas I do. Others are baby people and I'm not.

I feel like if in the long run my partner and I want a family of 2 DC then I have to get through this stage.

Would be interested if anyone else has ever had that dilemma.

Yup, had two children don't regret it at all, love my family, but the toddler years were just sheer determination and grit for me. Which isn't to say there weren't moments of gorgeous heart melting cuteness and joy, but I'm not a natural toddler tolerant person particularly (don't especially dislike them either) but even if I was, relentless intensity of their needs for your care and attention, when you have little/no support is exhausting.
Character building though, my emotional stamina is good. 😂

OP - what do you mean about your son being a bolter?

It could be, OP, that your child is extra active. He might require intense attention all the time, in case he runs off outside, or pulls something down ( maybe putting himself in danger). It could be you are not getting empathy from other mums because their toddlers take some down time.

The good thing is that nursery and school will come along, soon enough, and you'll have some support and a teacher with whom to chat things through.

I had a supportive Mum and a very hands-on husband…and I still found it hard. I went on to have a second child (so there must have been good bits!). But I found having young children relentless. Especially with DC1, who was a challenging child (the one whacking other kids over the head and not sitting nicely at song time).

Hated the physical donkey work of it. Dragging buggies and then later trikes and bikes about. Picking them up and carrying and putting down again. Nappy changes and bags full of crap. My back was always aching.

Hated the domestic load. The drudgery. Work was a relief!

Really disliked toddler groups. Forced conversation with people I had little in common with. Trying to get on board with being cheerful about a weak coffee and a round of toddler singsong.

Hated small talk about nurseries and schools and sleep and potty training etc.

Despised sitting in the cold at playgrounds or trips to zoos and other overpriced, boring amusements.

I know I sound miserable, but it was all just really boring and hard and BORING. I think I had a totally unrealistic fantasy idea of what motherhood would be like and I totally admit that.

Ive got teens now and it’s brutal in a different way - they give you a minor heart attack every now and then with their teen BD and they’re a selfish and sulky. But I LOVE it!! They’re interesting and funny and they can wipe their own arses and do useful things like out the dishwasher on or nip out to get some milk, and you can watch Netflix together or listen to music together and talk and laugh.

I look at Mums out and about with little ones and feel huge amounts of empathy, sympathy and solidarity. It’s a tough gig!

I also work with challenging teens, OP. Maybe we are just not cut out for the little kids bit? 😆

Yes I totally relate. It’s so much harder than I ever could have imagined. I found that friends who claimed everything was wonderful got dropped pretty quickly. I had no time for navigating that shit. You just need fellow moaners, or fellow people who’s wee ones are hard work. At the time I thought everyone who said their child slept was lying but now I do believe that some people get kids who sleep. Not me and I kind of hate people who do (kidding not kidding) - in the trauma years anyway these were not people who I could spend much time with!

BD = teen BS