Mums of toddlers with little support - can we be HONEST about this please?

[TiredTabbyCat]

I've name changed since I feel the stigma of this. I am craving an honest conversation with somebody about how fucking hard it is to bring up a toddler, especially with no support network. I've tried (under different user names) to reach out on here before but have met with comments such as "what a shame you don't enjoy spending time with your child" / "it was your choice to have a child" / "wait till you have 2 / 3 / 4 children".

In real life my friends' DC are all older and I feel like Mums either forget or choose to forget the toddler years once they're gone. I overheard a woman in a waiting room this morning, saying that now she looks back at the toddler years and thinks there's no way she could go through all that again. I wanted to run over to her and hug her for being honest!!

At soft play other mums ask surface questions about nursery hours, potty training, but no-one says "it's shit isn't it". Is it because they're all coping beautifully? Or do we keep this under wraps? Are we all privately hating this?

Some Mums probably do cope better than me. Maybe they have a supportive Mum who's their best friend, or a wider family and grandparents who help out and take care of their child for the odd afternoon, or babysit sometimes. Maybe they've got a good friendship group of other mums with toddlers, or their partners work 9-5 and can help out at bedtime. Maybe their child will sit nicely and do colouring and doesn't run away whenever they walk outside or run around and grab everything in sight. I have none of this. I do have a loving partner but he works away half the week and gets home at 9pm normally. My mum is controlling bully so I don't see her, and there's no other family. My toddler is a bolter and a thrill seeker.

But I have no-one to share this with and no-one who gets it. I can't be the only one.

So can we PLEASE have an honest chat on here, without judgement or patronising comments?

• We know the caveats. We LOVE our children so much. We love the bones of them. And we know how lucky we are to have a healthy child.
• We want a family and we visualise and dream about those happy days in the future when we will go on a family holiday, Christmasses, gorgeous moments.

But can I say..

It is so shit
I bloody hate the drudgery
I hate the constant on edge of distracting away from the next tantrum
My body is TIRED
Having snacks ready, a new thing to play with, thinking ahead to what's going to set him off and how I can avoid it
I hate the constant changes. He learnt to sleep through the night and did it for ages so WHY won't he fucking sleep?!?!
I hate having zero time any more for me. I miss reading books, going to the gym, spending time on my self care, sitting quietly.
I miss my clean and tidy home.
My back is completely messed up from all the carrying and lifting a heavy 2 year old and licking him up off the floor.
I yearn for the day when he will be able to get himself ready.
I yearn for bedtimes most days.
I have aged a decade in 2 years.
I yearn for my partner to fucking hurry up and get home from work just once before bath time so it isn't just me.
Everyday is just rinse and repeat
Weekends aren't a treat anymore. I look forward to going to work.
Desperately trying to find soft play and places to book so we never have the sheer hell of a full afternoon in the house.
Trying to explain to child-free friends why I can't go to that wedding, and why it wouldn't be a good idea to just bring my 2 year old along.
Above all knowing how much I love him and yet how exhausted I feel and how I don't know where I am anymore.

Can anyone relate?

Yes I can relate. My parents moved abroad. My husband is good with older one but not our toddler. Don't have any in laws.

I wish his life away...I can't wait until he's at school then I have mum guilt for feeling like that. My toddler is particularly lively and has many tantrums a day. I only planed to work 2 days a week until he went to school but I just can't cope with him for that long. I work 3.5 days a week and on the time off we are always at a play group as I need the structure. He hates to follow a group though so can't do anything like a swimming class or football club it just has to be stuff he can decide what to do otherwise it's just continuous tantrums.

It is a HORRIBLE age, but then you do come through it and you have a nice, fun child that you can enjoy spending time with.
Work used to be sweet relief. Wouldn't have coped without it.

👋 2yo, pregnant with #2, DH works long hours with 3hr commute and has international calls most evenings from home too (and also has stints abroad for 2w at a time), family are over an hour away, the grandparents are elderly and in ill health anyway so wouldn't/can't help.

It's exhausting. It's relentless. It's wanting to pee by myself!! It's the "I WANT DADDY NOOOOOOW" tough kiddo, you're stuck with me.

But I feel like I'll forget how hard this stage was in a few years time, in the same way you kinda forget how painful labour/giving birth/recovering is, and only look back fondly at the amazing achievement?! Well I hope so anyway 😩

Here with you!

I love my daughter (nearly 2YO) more than anything ... BUT....

For me, it's the afternoons and deciding what to do with her. Some afternoons I just REALLY want to sit on my arse because I'm TIRED but always have this shadow of guilt on my back - thinking 'no I must do something productive with my toddler!' Planning what to do gets tiresome, especially as the winter months creep in.

There are so many creative suggestions afternoon activities which flood Mumsnet, cutting sticking, use a box to make something, painting blah blah blah.

You know what? Sometimes I just really can't be bothered and want to just stick CBeebies on for the afternoon 😂😂

Yes, it was lockdown it was illegal to go to the bloody play park let alone see another human. Throw in a toddler and yes it was hellish.

all I can say is like covid this too shall pass and then you will no doubt have something else to contend with, but it won’t be a toddler!

Still going through the "toddler" years with my 5yo. I get it. Every day really feels like the one before...

I feel you. I’ve found when looking to adults that have been through it (my dad etc) they either look at me blankly or laugh it off. Which is not supportive. I always feel other parents have it better… but try remind myself everyone’s probably struggling sometimes. It makes me sad I can’t enjoy the very rare contact free nap times because of the anxiety of how my toddler will be when they wake up. Does anyone else’s child cry/ have a meltdown or is just extremely clingy for about an hour after a sleep?! 99% of the time 🙄 it’s tough 😅

I agree with everything you said.

The only solution for me was to get outside, as much as possible. Bundle them up, go to the park, outdoors, messing around with a bucket and spade, garden.

Yes it's tedious but less mess than in the house, they get loads of exercise and sleep better. It's good for you also.

Oh and did I mention illness. Parenting a toddler who is ill while you are ill. Hubby is ill but is in bed 😂😭 I know… Chuck him. But this is the reality of the situation til it passes. It’s not fun.

It's extremely hard 😪

It's really hard! The only parents of under 3's I know having a second kid are those with loads of family support or those in nursery from 9-5 who barely see their kids (I say that without judgement - life is expensive!)

My parent friends who put in the hours are horrified by the prospect of a second because it's hard hard hard when you're with them a lot!

Thanks so much it's so helpful to read the honest replies!

To answer a pp I haven't met any friends, no. My NCT group was all online as I had him during lockdown so we never really bonded. I only did NCT to make friends so that was sad.

Other than that most of my friends have older DC or none.

It's hard to meet and actually make friends with people.

I do work but the nursery can only take my son part time until next year so he only does a couple of mornings 😩. I am counting down the days till they can take him for longer!!

This response is tone deaf given the context of the thread, and unsupportive of my original question. Basically "what's your problem? I found toddlers easy!" So unhelpful.

I love toddlers, struggle with the baby years
My now four year old never had a tantrum as such until he started pre school at three, overstimulation I think along with hunger
Doing Montessori type approach with my now 1 year old

It’s OK to struggle at any stage, OP. Some people have easy situations, some people have easy kids, some people are at an easy stage, and some people throw money at the problem.

Most people don’t get off scot free though, so if you meet someone who has an easy kid at an easy stage with all the support and all the cash, it doesn’t mean that they have been that way forever and haven’t struggled in the past, and it doesn’t mean they will be that way and won’t struggle in the future. It’s easy to read it as being smug but it’s not usually meant that way, more to be light at the end of a tunnel, or reassurance that it’s often just a phase.

I completely get where you're coming from. I actually didn't mind the toddler phase but I really passionately disliked the baby stage and so many people kept telling me "it goes by so quickly, enjoy it whilst it lasts, all those lovely baby snuggles".

If we have a second the one thing I will dread is the baby stage again. Gahhhh.

The toddler stage was hard too. I promise it (usually) gets better (there will be someone out there who tells you it doesn't... but I think we've all got different buttons they push and what stage one person enjoys another will hate). I think we're in a sweet spot now with a young primary aged child.

But I've been told to "dread" to the tween and teenager stages (yay). (Still think that'll be better than a tiny baby)

I struggled because i had two of them and no support.

I would say though, you need to buckle up because 9 isn't so pretty either!

And I'm reliably informed that the teenage years are bloody hard work.

Each stage is hard in its own way. I say that because you speak as though you think it's going to suddenly become easier.. I don't think it does. I long for the toddler days back - so easy compared to the endless shit i go through now!

Totally!! I have 2 different experiences with my 2 kids. But firstly like you, zero family support for a wide range of reasons. Most friends have older kids. Myself and my partner work opposite shifts, like your DH never home before 9pm... not many people get that bit. That's one aspect I found hard as it was pretty much just me, rarely the 2 of us.

With my first I loved it, she was really a very easy toddler, and I did love been with her genuinely.

However my 2nd was another story. Far most challenging personality, not sleeping well, just a totally different experience and it floored me. I absolutely hated it with bells on. It got marginally better when he was 3 and went to nursery a few days a week and now he's at school and older, it's better. But my god I would never do it again and if he was my first experience of been a mum to a toddler I don't think we would have had another. So I hear you loud and clear!!!

Toddler stage is a nightmare, I am just fed up of feeling drained and exhausted everyday 😞 loved the baby stage! I have zero help too, nursery is helping but I still feel exhausted but have other things going on aswell which doesn't help! Could just do with a week if escaping reality and recharging.... well maybe a month 😮‍💨 just take it one day at a time xx

Totally relatable. I’m currently hiding in the lounge while Bluey is on loop in the playroom, mustering the strength for the battle to get her shoes on for the school pick up.

it does get easier, but then it’s just different phases to contend with!!

Agree with everything you said.
When you meet other mums try having a proper whinge about it. It'll put some people off, the brutal honesty and all that, but on the odd occasion someone will agree and whinge back, and that lady is your friend.
It gets so much better as they get older. And more reasonable 😉

If you asked me at the time I would not have admitted how crap it was. Partly because thinking too deeply about it would be depressing and quickly lead to "why bother?" mentality but also because I had different advantages in life like owning a house so didn't want to be seen as ungrateful for my lot.
My kids are teenagers now and extended family is still an alien concept to them and they have never said that they wish they had involved grandparents etc Grandparents were not involved because I had to be the bigger person and protect the kids from them. This drove me to keep on going and it worked because the problems of the grandparents ended with my generation.

Yes. Many years ago but remember it well. Relentless. I hated it. Well done hardest job ever.

Yeah. Mines 23 months and it’s HARD. We’re restricted to what we can do because she won’t stay in the pram for any length of time without kicking off. She won’t walk in the direction you want her to or not for long enough anyway to get there you need to go to. She still doesn’t sleep through the night. She’s up twice on a good night. On a bad night which is about 70 percent of the time she does the whole split night crap where she wakes around 1 and keeps us all up until 5. The other morning when I’d literally had 2 hours broken sleep and was sitting on the toilet trying to get my shit together to face the day she toddled in with the tumbler of water I keep by my bed and chucked it all over my feet. She’s a picky eater so there’s always good being chucked at me/ the walls/ the dog. I also feel that I’ve aged a lot since I had her and gained weight. Still love her though. She brings me a lot of joy too. The tough stuff is tough but It will pass.