Mums of toddlers with little support - can we be HONEST about this please?

[TiredTabbyCat]

I've name changed since I feel the stigma of this. I am craving an honest conversation with somebody about how fucking hard it is to bring up a toddler, especially with no support network. I've tried (under different user names) to reach out on here before but have met with comments such as "what a shame you don't enjoy spending time with your child" / "it was your choice to have a child" / "wait till you have 2 / 3 / 4 children".

In real life my friends' DC are all older and I feel like Mums either forget or choose to forget the toddler years once they're gone. I overheard a woman in a waiting room this morning, saying that now she looks back at the toddler years and thinks there's no way she could go through all that again. I wanted to run over to her and hug her for being honest!!

At soft play other mums ask surface questions about nursery hours, potty training, but no-one says "it's shit isn't it". Is it because they're all coping beautifully? Or do we keep this under wraps? Are we all privately hating this?

Some Mums probably do cope better than me. Maybe they have a supportive Mum who's their best friend, or a wider family and grandparents who help out and take care of their child for the odd afternoon, or babysit sometimes. Maybe they've got a good friendship group of other mums with toddlers, or their partners work 9-5 and can help out at bedtime. Maybe their child will sit nicely and do colouring and doesn't run away whenever they walk outside or run around and grab everything in sight. I have none of this. I do have a loving partner but he works away half the week and gets home at 9pm normally. My mum is controlling bully so I don't see her, and there's no other family. My toddler is a bolter and a thrill seeker.

But I have no-one to share this with and no-one who gets it. I can't be the only one.

So can we PLEASE have an honest chat on here, without judgement or patronising comments?

• We know the caveats. We LOVE our children so much. We love the bones of them. And we know how lucky we are to have a healthy child.
• We want a family and we visualise and dream about those happy days in the future when we will go on a family holiday, Christmasses, gorgeous moments.

But can I say..

It is so shit
I bloody hate the drudgery
I hate the constant on edge of distracting away from the next tantrum
My body is TIRED
Having snacks ready, a new thing to play with, thinking ahead to what's going to set him off and how I can avoid it
I hate the constant changes. He learnt to sleep through the night and did it for ages so WHY won't he fucking sleep?!?!
I hate having zero time any more for me. I miss reading books, going to the gym, spending time on my self care, sitting quietly.
I miss my clean and tidy home.
My back is completely messed up from all the carrying and lifting a heavy 2 year old and licking him up off the floor.
I yearn for the day when he will be able to get himself ready.
I yearn for bedtimes most days.
I have aged a decade in 2 years.
I yearn for my partner to fucking hurry up and get home from work just once before bath time so it isn't just me.
Everyday is just rinse and repeat
Weekends aren't a treat anymore. I look forward to going to work.
Desperately trying to find soft play and places to book so we never have the sheer hell of a full afternoon in the house.
Trying to explain to child-free friends why I can't go to that wedding, and why it wouldn't be a good idea to just bring my 2 year old along.
Above all knowing how much I love him and yet how exhausted I feel and how I don't know where I am anymore.

Can anyone relate?

I hear ya. Absolutely. Waving from a mountain of clothes washing with my head only just popping out the top. I'm lucky that I have a great man to share this with but we don't see each other as much as we want. Often go for walks (mental health walks we call them) and when kids slightly ahead of us we mumble to each other how hard it is. To quote the Scottish comedian Kevin Bridges who says " shite shite shite, shite, shite". Or John Bishop talking about not having spare laughter. You're right nobody says it. It's.bloody.hard 😂

Hi, I have 3 dc (Infact had 3 under 4 yrs). I agree that the toddler years were incredibly hard. I nearly lost my mind with the first. However, it did get easier and things I learned with my 2nd and 3rd.

1. You don't have to interact incessantly with your toddler
2. Your life will be messy and chaotic. So try and relax with within the chaos.
3. Take them out everyday, I would make a trip to the DIY shop take half a day. Or costo - my children loved the free samples there, or ikea, playing in the room demos (I'm sure they weren't meant for toddler play areas but mine loved going there).
4. Don't bath them every night.
5. Meet up with a friend for a mellow walk in the woods. Let the toddlers a run around and be really tired then have chip shop chips for dinner (plus no bath).
6. When they have a nap, do not run around cleaning the house. Have an indulgent nap too. Cuddle up in your bed with them and they will nap for loads longer that way.

Yes op I totally agree. I’m horrified by the thought that at 16 months I have years of this in front of me. DS is in nursery full time and it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. I can’t even think about doing this again for a sibling and I’m also 40 so he will be an only child by the looks of things. He is just so full of rage. I struggle with it.
I really really miss having my evenings to myself. I sit in the dark in the bedroom from whenever DS deigns to sleep because he will fall off the bed and he won’t sleep anywhere except my bed. It’s like torture in some ways. I wish I had never started cosleeping.
We have no support around -family live a long way away and new area so no real friends. I didn’t go to NCT as DS was premature.
The whole thing is just exhausting!!

@FleecyBlanketPerson oh you’re so right, the washing is insane!

Yeah our three year old has just broken through the toddler barrier. He can still be a little monster, but almost overnight he can (mostly) ask for what he needs! He understands bribery! He has a basic concept of right and wrong so no longer wants to jump up and down on a baby to see what happens! He is capable of understanding that the babies are smaller than him, so he has a responsibility to look out for them!

It's like the Kevin the Teenager sketch but bloody hell, it makes you realise all over again just how bad the bad was.

Solidarity to you on the back pain.

Some children are just harder. And It’s easier when you are friends with the People whose children are also hard work. Who run, don’t sleep, can start a fight in an empty room, who scream blue murder when having their hair washed…….

on the plus side if you have another then you are creating a playmate. And when you get to teen years it’s a breeze coz you’ve been negotiating with the terrorists for years!

and you dp works away. Hats off to you, dp and I did everything together when ours were little, neither of us could bear to do solo anything.

the silver lining is that they’ll grow up to be super fun. But yes. It is super hard, and no, people with easier children really don’t get it.

The toddler years are HARD. Seriously hard. This afternoon I carried my toddler kicking and screaming out of a playground as she didn't want to leave. I was mortified. We'd had a lovely afternoon and it just went to shit in that moment. My back hurts too from the lifting. My mind is constant whirring chaos and it rarely switches off; I'm constantly overstimulated. No family support and a partner who works long hours well into the evening a lot of times. I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm so tired I can literally feel it in my bones. I work 4 days a week too. I have no words of advice just...... yeah. God I adore my toddler but it is HARD!!

Respectfully @MotherWol I don't think it really is the same at all and I hope not to steer the conversation in that say because I agree it's tedious. I'm not a SAHP (happily admit I don't have the stamina) My work days are so incredibly easy compared to the days I parent a toddler. Weekends are easy because for most people there are two parents around. Sounds like OP doesn't have her partner around loads and sounds like she's doing a super job. Sometimes it doesn't help to compare yourself against people who have strong family networks or loads paid for childcare though. And really, what's the difference.

Slightly random but has anyone had to make various items have a stupid squeaky voice yet? For example, giving antibiotics via a syringe - the only way to administer said medicine was to give it a voice and personality. Whilst this was very funny for the older kids to witness, for me with lots of other things to do, it was somewhat inconvenient.

The toothbrush also chats shit at bedtime because it's better than the usual two person scrum of pinning the screaming child down scenario that pans out twice a day.

Today he hid my sodding car key right before nursery. After 20 mins watching me lose it and turn the house upside down, he calmly says " I will go upstairs and get it for you mum" then comes back down with it.

I bought a wall mounted key organiser last year and I caught him ontop of a domed bin lid, reaching the keys off and he's hidden a set. I almost can't cope sometimes 😂

Yes, really hard! That's why I went back to work, so that I could have a break from them and have an adult conversation once in a while. I think at one point I was paying more in childminding fees than I was earning, but I still have a career now and I kept my sanity.

@MadOnHer

Ive got teens now and it’s brutal in a different way - they give you a minor heart attack every now and then with their teen BD and they’re a selfish and sulky. But I LOVE it!! They’re interesting and funny and they can wipe their own arses and do useful things like out the dishwasher on or nip out to get some milk, and you can watch Netflix together or listen to music together and talk and laugh.

Ah see, this fills my heart with joy! Yes to wiping their own arses! 👏👏---- And being able to talk, have actual conversations, watch stuff together, critique things, laugh. That sounds amazing - in spite of the teenage meltdowns.

You said you're working, but your toddler only goes to nursery a couple of mornings a week. Are you trying to work with a toddler in the house? That would be a sure fire way to a nightmare in my opinion!

That aside I know what you mean, and for me some days / weeks are much harder than others, depending on the phase he is going through and also how tired and stressed about other things I am.

I'd say what others have about getting outside as much as poss, and just looking after yourself with getting enough sleep etc. I don't really drink much anymore coz I literally can't cope with a hangover and toddler

Also found 18-24 months a very hard stage as they are able to move quickly and getting strong willed but are not able to communicate or take instructions. Now mine has started talking more I can actually reason with him sometimes and he says really cute things which helps

@Interviewnamechange
Just give them the same three meals you have! It's the constant washing up and wiping surfaces down that gets to me in terms of the catering

Oh OP. YES YES YES.

what I would give to have a supportive parent / family. Heck even a supportive mum who was also judgemental and difficult but who could physically and emotionally help even occasionally.

it’s so relentless. And the lack of generational support is so hard because a lot of the reassurance other mums I know get is from their mothers who have ‘been there done that’. Also just knowing that it it all went tits up, there would be someone there to help you / give you a home / pick up the pieces. I genuinely worry what will happen and who I’d turn to in such a scenario. Made me feel damn sure I want to be there for my daughter if she ever needs or wants me when she’s an adult.

i don’t have any advice other than to say I hear ya. And if you want to set up a WhatsApp group of like minded mums to have a safe space to gripe then I will be first on your list to join.

@sallbroken i would join too!

Parenting a toddler can be really hard. It can also be absolutely fantastic.

For me, having a group of mum’s friends makes a huge difference. When the toddler has drawn on the wall/ pooed in the bath/ refused to get up off the shopping centre floor, having a group of other mum’s to tell turns a frustrating event into a funny story. The key is to find people who accept toddlers can be little monsters (as much as we love them)!

If you don’t know any other mums (and don’t fancy finding friends at clubs or groups), try an app like peanut. Or set up a group on here. I’m sure there are tons of mums who would love a space to complain, compare notes, and ask the questions you feel too daft to ask anyone else. It might take some leg work but you don’t have to be alone.

Yes it’s hard and part of the reason I went back to work.
I’d say it wasn’t awful though, hard work mentally and physically but so was my job.

My daughter is 4 so not a toddler but I've been on my own since before she was born, and no family in this country. It's hard. Even good days are hard because I'm so, so tired.
I work in care and by the time I finish I'm ready to drop but I have to get two buses, pick her up from nursery, get another bus home, walk the dog, make tea, do bedtime. There's never a rest and there's never anyone else here to help.
She wants to be on my knee every time I sit down. She gets into my bed halfway through the night. I'm tired. I ache all over. It's hard.

My children are adults and teens now but remember that last hour waiting for 7pm to get them to bed so could finally collapse for a few hours.

I work with toddlers and it is nothing like being a parent to one. You aren't trying to care for them while doing all the other things that need doing. You don't have the restless nights and bedtime battles. You don't have the same emotional involvement regardless of how much you care for the children and that is one of the things that is so exhausting as a parent.

I am past the toddler years. Thank god! Even now with youngest being 6, I find life hard at times.....but you have reminded me how much easier life is now. Thank you.
With a toddler there is no respite. It's constant. It's demanding and it's tiring.
Where I could I just had to be out of the house to try and break up the day. Rainy days stuck at home filled me with dread and I found life so so tough.
So yes. Life with toddlers is pretty relentless

I agree, it's really bloody hard. I have 2 children (5 and 2) and a husband who works normal hours and doesn't travel for work, and I still find it very difficult indeed. I think a lot of people do. However, there are a couple of things about your situation that are making it even harder, IMO - firstly your partner's work. If he's away half the week that means solo parenting day and night for you. And when he's not away, he's not home either, is he? Home at 9pm? When does he see his child? Weekends only? Please tell me he does all the nights and a big chunk of time in the day so you can get some sleep and a break?
Secondly, childcare. Do you have enough childcare hours to cover your working hours? If nursery doesn't have availability, what about another nursery or a childminder? What about a babysitter to do bath and bed once a week so you can have an evening off to do your own thing?

If you partner is a high earner perhaps some of the money could be used to make your life easier (with extra childcare and/or a cleaner or whatever else you would benefit from). If he's not a high earner I would question whether his job is worth it. I wouldn't want one child with a man who was so unavailable, let alone two children.

As an exhausted mother of two... don't do it!

I agree op - mine was a nightmare as a toddler and I used to look forward to going back to work on a Monday. It's one of the reasons I only have one - although H being crap was also a big factor!!

I hate the toddler stage too. I can do newborns, primary school age and even teenagers. But I can't stand the toddler stage, it drove me round the bend. The only thing that helped me cope was nursery!

The guilt. Feeling guilty 100% of the time.

Being constantly triggered into fight or flight mode - 1000 times a day.

I'm in a tunnel and there's no way out, no light ahead. I've never felt like such a total failure in my whole life and never have the stakes felt so high.

Things kick off at such speed. She's not even 18 months yet but has constant needs I don't have a hope in hell of meeting.

Mostly I hate me. I hate me as a mother.

She would be better off without me.