Mums of toddlers with little support - can we be HONEST about this please?

[TiredTabbyCat]

I've name changed since I feel the stigma of this. I am craving an honest conversation with somebody about how fucking hard it is to bring up a toddler, especially with no support network. I've tried (under different user names) to reach out on here before but have met with comments such as "what a shame you don't enjoy spending time with your child" / "it was your choice to have a child" / "wait till you have 2 / 3 / 4 children".

In real life my friends' DC are all older and I feel like Mums either forget or choose to forget the toddler years once they're gone. I overheard a woman in a waiting room this morning, saying that now she looks back at the toddler years and thinks there's no way she could go through all that again. I wanted to run over to her and hug her for being honest!!

At soft play other mums ask surface questions about nursery hours, potty training, but no-one says "it's shit isn't it". Is it because they're all coping beautifully? Or do we keep this under wraps? Are we all privately hating this?

Some Mums probably do cope better than me. Maybe they have a supportive Mum who's their best friend, or a wider family and grandparents who help out and take care of their child for the odd afternoon, or babysit sometimes. Maybe they've got a good friendship group of other mums with toddlers, or their partners work 9-5 and can help out at bedtime. Maybe their child will sit nicely and do colouring and doesn't run away whenever they walk outside or run around and grab everything in sight. I have none of this. I do have a loving partner but he works away half the week and gets home at 9pm normally. My mum is controlling bully so I don't see her, and there's no other family. My toddler is a bolter and a thrill seeker.

But I have no-one to share this with and no-one who gets it. I can't be the only one.

So can we PLEASE have an honest chat on here, without judgement or patronising comments?

• We know the caveats. We LOVE our children so much. We love the bones of them. And we know how lucky we are to have a healthy child.
• We want a family and we visualise and dream about those happy days in the future when we will go on a family holiday, Christmasses, gorgeous moments.

But can I say..

It is so shit
I bloody hate the drudgery
I hate the constant on edge of distracting away from the next tantrum
My body is TIRED
Having snacks ready, a new thing to play with, thinking ahead to what's going to set him off and how I can avoid it
I hate the constant changes. He learnt to sleep through the night and did it for ages so WHY won't he fucking sleep?!?!
I hate having zero time any more for me. I miss reading books, going to the gym, spending time on my self care, sitting quietly.
I miss my clean and tidy home.
My back is completely messed up from all the carrying and lifting a heavy 2 year old and licking him up off the floor.
I yearn for the day when he will be able to get himself ready.
I yearn for bedtimes most days.
I have aged a decade in 2 years.
I yearn for my partner to fucking hurry up and get home from work just once before bath time so it isn't just me.
Everyday is just rinse and repeat
Weekends aren't a treat anymore. I look forward to going to work.
Desperately trying to find soft play and places to book so we never have the sheer hell of a full afternoon in the house.
Trying to explain to child-free friends why I can't go to that wedding, and why it wouldn't be a good idea to just bring my 2 year old along.
Above all knowing how much I love him and yet how exhausted I feel and how I don't know where I am anymore.

Can anyone relate?

100% agree it's hard hard work. Partner with major health issues so pretty much doing it all alone physically and mentally with no support network.
Excluding nursery hours i've changed 99.9% of dd's nappies, done every bath, done every bedtime, done almost every meal they've ever eaten, handled every illness and emergency, dragged myself out of my sick bed every time I feel rotten.
I love and treasure spending time with my dd but she's not a great sleeper and a runner so I'm constantly tired and trying to save her from traffic etc. All I hear all day is my own voice "gentle hands...please be careful... because bins are dirty...cats don't like to get wet...all wees go in the potty... walls are not for drawing on...but you ate broccoli yesterday..."
It's the daily drudgery I find hardest. Knowing after I finally get her down I'm left with a filthy house and the next day I've got to do it all again

I can relate,I have barely any help. Im absolutely craving some time to myself - I just want to read a few pages of a ruddy book or get out alone. I'm also fed up of mealtimes and snacks

Oh OP it is spectacularly shit. I had twins when DD1 was only 14 months old. No support network at all and a totally shit husband. I cried every day for at least 2 years. But they started Nursery at 3, and I made a wonderful group of friends who are still my strongest support network (kids are 12/13). I was honest with everyone around me about how shit it was and found the likeminded mums who were just as relieved to be able to be honest. We've laughed and cried together for years. Find the right friends and it DOES get better.

We don’t have any support but DH is home at tea time each night and we alternate bedtime, and we each go out with friends regularly, and we do have a babysitter so we can go out together once a month.

I found 18 months to 2 the trickiest. He’s 3.5 now and I find it pretty straightforward these days. Mainly because he sleeps well I imagine!

I feel for you OP. If I was in your shoes I’d be looking for DH to be present more in the evenings, to be honest.

Agree with everything you’ve said! I’ve got toddler twins and sometimes it’s miserable. Sometimes it’s lots of fun. Yesterday I played two of my favourite games, “fish the shit out of the bath” and “hunt the remote”.

I’m actually a bit tired of people ‘being honest’ about ‘how shit everything is’. And the thing is most of the pressure is what we put on ourselves. Lower your standards, accept this is a temporary phase that will eventually pass and find your sense of humour. DD screamed so much last week she fell asleep mid morning on the sofa, why? Because we wouldn’t make her a macaroni cheese for breakfast 😂

Yep it's hard work made harder as you don't get a full nights sleep, and feels like groundhog day.. good job they're cute! 😆
I'm with you. It will pass!

I think the hardest thing is actually dealing with other people, because once their children reach the 5-6year age bracket, they have long forgotten what it is like, they can make you feel like shit instead of being understanding and supportive of natural baby/toddler behaviour.

I took my 5 year old to trial a dance class yesterday and had no choice to bring my 19 month old along. The instructor was so rude and snappy, and my baby was being so good too. I had to bite my tongue, but I think other people are mostly the problem, that is what makes it even harder.

And I chose to have a 2nd with no nursery or family support, harder but paid off as they entertain each other.

I dunno personally I’ve found the school bit more stressful. Toddlerhood is hard work but minimal expectations etc, no friendship dramas or major worries. Mind you I don’t put pressure on myself to do messy play etc - lots of telly and lots of trips out.

Sorry to tire you out with expressing our emotions and feelings and trying to support someone who is struggling. So pleased for you that you don't feel the same way. Maybe a little empathy wouldn't hurt.

But the endless negativity and ‘can we be honest about’ is now having an effect on my mental health. People do nothing now if not ‘raise awareness about X’ or say we need to ‘talk more about Y’ and nobody’s any happier for it, it’s just endless complaining. This too shall pass, they’ll grow up.

I get that actually and I think you're right on many fronts. But when it comes to first time parenting, it's probably the biggest life change there is, physically, lifestyle, hormonally, financially, relationship-wise and on and on. And the immense struggle for many is real. Women have needed support with this forever. I just think it's a bit different but I do take your point.

Sorry, last message for @Cuppasoupmonster

Totally agree, it's mostly hideous with moments of magic. That's it. You look back at the cute photos with rose tinted glasses. It is awful!!! You're not wrong

Hello @Donttalkimcounting , we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
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Very best wishes from MNHQ.

I suppose I just feel 🙄 when people say ‘nobody is honest about X’ or ‘they will never admit that Y is shit’. Well maybe they don’t think it is shit? Or maybe they’re like me, just in the middle - I have my good days and bad days, but nobody ever told me I would have all good days as a parent. But then my expectations are lower and I don’t expect to feel Insta-happy all the time, just reasonably content. I think there’s a lot to be said for settling for contentedness over #makingmemories.

I so agree. I have zero support network. Just husband and we have twins who are now 12.

i now look back at the baby and toddler years and although boring and tedious at times, I find teens are so so much harder.

but we soldier on with zero family support!

friends all had/have help and grandparents support etc and all moan how hard family life is but I just find it difficult sometimes to fully sympathise

I also made a decision on to only have 1 child as I cannot do that all again - and I'm sticking to it.

That’s why I had my two close together (as well as not wanting to push my luck fertility wise; I was 35 when I had DS). I figured it would be best to grit my teeth and get on with it. Of course this isn’t possible if you have no support, if you have a disabled and/or ND DC or if you have significant mental or physical health challenges yourself.

Oddly my two were/are great to get on with as teenagers. I could talk to teenagers but toddlers seemed half human, half wild monkey, and I wondered if I was living in my house or a zoo enclosure at times.

Mine are older now. Having to be two steps ahead with everything they might want or need just in order to go out and come home without wanting to cry at some point during the outing was hard.

Bedtimes were hard. When they're in bed, it's like breathing a sigh of relief that you might get a bit of time to be you, in your own space, without being touched or needed. Which can make it tricky if you've got a partner who sees this as windows of opportunity for sexy time. I remember feeling like shouting "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!" All he was doing was hugging me but when you've had hands pulling at you, someone on your hip or lap, someone feeding you pretend biscuits or needing their nappy done or what have you, ALLLLLLLLLL DAY, you're touched out by the end of it. It's not that the child has replaced your needs for intimacy. It's that your need for space is never respected anymore!

@CoastalWave

Yes, teenage years are hard work!

Here's a lovely snippet that actually made me long for the moments they were dragging me about to play duplo or climbing all over me.

DS1- "Sister just told me to fuck off!"
DD - (screaming down the stairs) "Oh my ACTUAL god!! I did NOT say that!!"
DS1- "You did, you liar!! You literally opened my bedroom door, told me to turn my own music off because it was crap and then when I said no, get out, you said fuck off!!"
DD- (coming to the stairs and using a sing song voice) Oh really?? Reeeeeeaaaallllllly?? Is that what happened? Is it??? Awww, seems like you've got memory problems!!"
DS1- (Angrily) "I hate you sometimes!! You're lying and you did swear at me!!"
DD- "I never said I didn't."
DS1 - YOU DID!!
DD- " no, I said I didn't tell you to fuck off. I didn't. I actually said "fuck you", so.....yeaaaahhh, you're wrong. Bye then!"

Dd flounces into room while DS1 tries not to break down into tears of absolute rage.

@ImaniMumsnet sorry MN at the time of writing I'd been dealing with a 6am start, off the back of 4 hrs sleep after an almost 2 hour tantrum, plus an argument with the DH. I was having my own internal meltdown when this thread appeared. I'm alright now.

Time for a chat with DD and DS about gaslighting and how it works. I remember the frustration and bewilderment from my own teen years, having had so many similar conversations with so-called school ‘friends’.

OP thank you for writing this! All I will say is im 100% with you on this it's SO FUCKING TIRING AND HARD WORK!

Also can I say I think that post from mumsnet isn't helpful.. why is it if you have a well deserved moan about how hard parenting is you must then be told you may have a mental health problem? Can it not just be really hard?