Mums of toddlers with little support - can we be HONEST about this please?

[TiredTabbyCat]

I've name changed since I feel the stigma of this. I am craving an honest conversation with somebody about how fucking hard it is to bring up a toddler, especially with no support network. I've tried (under different user names) to reach out on here before but have met with comments such as "what a shame you don't enjoy spending time with your child" / "it was your choice to have a child" / "wait till you have 2 / 3 / 4 children".

In real life my friends' DC are all older and I feel like Mums either forget or choose to forget the toddler years once they're gone. I overheard a woman in a waiting room this morning, saying that now she looks back at the toddler years and thinks there's no way she could go through all that again. I wanted to run over to her and hug her for being honest!!

At soft play other mums ask surface questions about nursery hours, potty training, but no-one says "it's shit isn't it". Is it because they're all coping beautifully? Or do we keep this under wraps? Are we all privately hating this?

Some Mums probably do cope better than me. Maybe they have a supportive Mum who's their best friend, or a wider family and grandparents who help out and take care of their child for the odd afternoon, or babysit sometimes. Maybe they've got a good friendship group of other mums with toddlers, or their partners work 9-5 and can help out at bedtime. Maybe their child will sit nicely and do colouring and doesn't run away whenever they walk outside or run around and grab everything in sight. I have none of this. I do have a loving partner but he works away half the week and gets home at 9pm normally. My mum is controlling bully so I don't see her, and there's no other family. My toddler is a bolter and a thrill seeker.

But I have no-one to share this with and no-one who gets it. I can't be the only one.

So can we PLEASE have an honest chat on here, without judgement or patronising comments?

• We know the caveats. We LOVE our children so much. We love the bones of them. And we know how lucky we are to have a healthy child.
• We want a family and we visualise and dream about those happy days in the future when we will go on a family holiday, Christmasses, gorgeous moments.

But can I say..

It is so shit
I bloody hate the drudgery
I hate the constant on edge of distracting away from the next tantrum
My body is TIRED
Having snacks ready, a new thing to play with, thinking ahead to what's going to set him off and how I can avoid it
I hate the constant changes. He learnt to sleep through the night and did it for ages so WHY won't he fucking sleep?!?!
I hate having zero time any more for me. I miss reading books, going to the gym, spending time on my self care, sitting quietly.
I miss my clean and tidy home.
My back is completely messed up from all the carrying and lifting a heavy 2 year old and licking him up off the floor.
I yearn for the day when he will be able to get himself ready.
I yearn for bedtimes most days.
I have aged a decade in 2 years.
I yearn for my partner to fucking hurry up and get home from work just once before bath time so it isn't just me.
Everyday is just rinse and repeat
Weekends aren't a treat anymore. I look forward to going to work.
Desperately trying to find soft play and places to book so we never have the sheer hell of a full afternoon in the house.
Trying to explain to child-free friends why I can't go to that wedding, and why it wouldn't be a good idea to just bring my 2 year old along.
Above all knowing how much I love him and yet how exhausted I feel and how I don't know where I am anymore.

Can anyone relate?

Yes, fuck me, I’ve been feeling so down today and on the verge of tears because it’s just relentless. For me it is the sheer loneliness that comes with parenting.

Toddlers are brutal, they have some hilarious, loving moments but honestly after experiencing once, never ever again.

6 onwards is much better maybe 8. My DC is nearly 14 and it's great.

It will seem like it goes on for eternity but now I look back and wish I enjoyed it more and its gone so fast but I truly struggled. Dc didnt sleep for years either. Up in the night and up at 4 30 ish for the day. Killed me.

Age 1-3 was hard by age 3-4 it felt bit more fun as you could do stuff. I used to book an extra hours childcare after work just for me. My once a week golden hour in my head, I tried to do some exercise but sometimes I literally just sat on sofa with cuppaT in peace until pick up time. Carve out any bits of time you can to grab recharge.
I have teens now … I won’t comment on this phase..

See, this is the kind of thing that doesn't help; I don't mean to single you out because I don't think you're having a dig, but it's this idea that if your kids are in nursery you 'hardly see them'. If you don't have local family but your kids are in nursery, you're still spending tonnes of time with them - every bedtime, every sick day, every weekend, every school holiday/closure day - it's all on you. You don't even get the odd daytime nap because when they're napping, you're at work. You're absolutely putting the hours in, even if they're at nursery full time, so please can we stop with this division?

Totally agree! I tried spending a full day in the house today for the first time in ages. He napped early so was up at 12.... right, so that's 7 hours to go till bed time then!

I think because I'm saying to people how it REALLY IS, people often reply with how tough they're finding it too.. try find some toddler Mum friends to open up to. Meanwhile, tell us all about it here! Solidarity!!

My toddler is having a cocomelon binge this afternoon

I think it depends on your child tbh, mine is easy. She doesn’t run, very happy and not at all difficult. We have no family help but DH WFH so is around and does his share.

I can imagine with a different child I might find it harder. I also work 4 days (main earner) so parenting is not my only focus. I think that helps.

Yeah and I think it must be amazing to have your partner around. Mine is working abroad 3 nights a week and returns after 9pm the other two nights. I realised that I've never missed a bathtime for all of my son's life. My husband is so busy and we are being frugal so there's no other options.

I hate bedtime at the moment as my son is refusing to go down easily and is waking up in the middle of the night for 2-3 hours. It's hell.

Toddlers can be absolutely brutal
two of mine weren’t but Christ the third one made up for it.

I think you have to learn to ignore other people and find ways to cope.

I do remember a vicious comment from a GM - gosh some mother's do make it look hard. We'd just done a second house move in 9 months we'd been burgled woken with police banging on door early hours and I was ill with yet another chest infection youngest 9 months was showing off about going in pushchair but I still successfully wrangled him and older toddler into doing what I needed.

Our children were't easy children, we had no external help, I was frequently ill and endless chest infections and pneumonia took them years to diagnose underlying condition - we had a lot of external issue moves, new jobs money issues, family being problematic.

There were still fun moments - and I worked out we were all better if we got up and went out did something that involved exercise and hopefully seeing others - routine also helped settle us all -so for us toddler groups were extremely useful and soft play or parks/library times. Housework standards did have to drop for a while - not to point of illness but could do it all - and when I was very ill I had to accept I was doing the best I could even if I wanted to get house sorted or take kids out but couldn't manage to get across the room.

Evenings were hardest for me - when I was exhausted - DH would be late back or away and I had to wrangle three into bed - again routines helped - it did at times feel very full on and frankly lonely. It does pass they start school and you miss them like crazy even if you're really busy.

You're definitely not alone! I don't have any daily support/help from family as we don't live near our families, so it's pretty much just me and DH with the toddler (and baby no.2 on the way).

Some days you can feel like super mum and manage to do everything, but most of the time it's HARD. It's hard to get up in the morning and have to deal a hungry, grumpy, wants to play, wants to watch tv toddler... when you haven't even had a chance to go to the bathroom yet! It's hard to try and get them to go to the bathroom, wash their face, brush their teeth, and get them dressed every day, when they just fight literally everything you try to do. It's hard to go through the day putting them first in everything, and having literally zero time to yourself.

It's hard to be worrying all day about them... have they eaten enough? have they eaten healthy foods? are they clean? have they been to the toilet? do they have a temperature? are they happy? am I raising them properly? will what I'm doing negatively impact on them? did they watch too much tv today? is it ok if I let them watch more tv because I just can't do it anymore today?

It's hard when they won't leave you alone at all. It's hard to not be able to go to the toilet without having them either in there with you or have them banging on the door and screaming because you left them for a minute... you never get a moment alone. You sit down for half a second and suddenly they need a drink of water, they're hungry, they want you to come play with them, they want to play in the garden, they want to read a book, they want to go upstairs for some unknown reason.... and often they want all of these things at the same time! You're constantly on the go with them and you don't get a break at all, especially when they stop napping.

I love my child more than I could ever have imagined. But I'm exhausted and I count down to bedtime EVERY SINGLE DAY. Parents who seem to have everything together feel like this too by the way, they are exhausted and can't wait for bedtime.

I like the suggestion of a PP: lower your expectations. I've done this without realising I guess. I keep on top of housework as much as I can, but the house is never fully tidy and I don't let it bother me anymore. Bath time is only once or twice a week to be honest. Most evenings are spent watching tv so I can have a little bit of time to sit down at least. If he doesn't want to eat what I offer today, I don't worry. If he has a meltdown over something, I wait for it to pass rather than fighting him on it.

Yes I agree 100%. For some reason parents won’t agree with you. I actually have friends who have older children and will be sympathetic and agree it’s super hard. Some nights you are just glad they are alive and fed. I think other mums don’t want to admit their own situation or get dragged into looking after your kids. Thee is a lot of faking it because maybe society has certain expectations from mothers? My mum always told me it was hard but she never helped out which I find odd especially as her mother died before she had kids so was effectively on her own. Other Mums also like to feel superior and put others down. You need to find a friend that understands even if they are not a mother of younger kids but has had young kids.
it’s a shame it can’t be talked about but that’s life. Lots of people pretending or putting in a front. Goodness knows why.

I hate bedtime at the moment as my son is refusing to go down easily and is waking up in the middle of the night for 2-3 hours. It's hell.

They all used to come into bed with us - 5 in a double bed not always very fun or played with toys by our bed and I often napped when DH was back at weekends.

I did started to hate bedtimes - baths helped - tea play bath - into pj book - but not always enough. It was a huge relief to move here get them all cd player their own rooms and audio books - no more reading bedtimes stories which by then I hated - I thought I'd love reading to them - but they were past toddler age by then.

I've got an almost 2 yo and a 6 and 7 yo so most of my friends have older kids and I've noticed that a lot of pur toddler groups that got me through the first two haven't restarted after covid. There used to be 2 groups a day within walking distance and now there are 2 a week so we don't get out as much which I hate as I loved the routine of toddler groups and I felt that we had achieved something. I work weekends so I'm at home pretty much all week with him, we keep talking about sending him to preschool/nursery but really can't afford it till he gets his 3yrs funding

It is utterly horrible, OP. None of us would do it if we knew how shit it is.

Bung him in a nursery as soon as you can and don’t have a second one.

Yeah, it's tough. I've said it here before, but I think there needs to be a word for parenting without a family support network, to make it easier to talk about. Everyone knows what a single parent is, but there is no word for those of us doing it all without the support of grandparents for our children.

Toddler stage was hard work. Some mums are into finger painting and splashing in puddles, I am not. Mine didn’t sleep either, it’s really shit when they don’t sleep, both you and the toddler are tired and impatient as a result. I sympathise.

The only good things about the toddler stage were (1) toddlers are really really cute and (2) at least they weren’t babies any more. The baby stage was so much worse.

I agree with a PP that if you can find some friends to meet up with regularly (especially if they are ones who feel the same way!) it will really help.

Yep. It is hell. Mine are now in late teens and early 20s and I think I'm still traumatised by their toddlerhoods. I used to go to work for a rest - it was amazing to be able to have a cup of tea and go for a wee without someone screaming at me for leaving the room. It was gruelling for years and I was permanently exhausted and desperate for some personal space. I loved them dearly etc but I really wouldn't want to go through that again. Much preferred the teen years.

Yes toddlers are hard but I have a disabled child and honestly she was easier as a toddler but she is the same but now bigger older stronger so toddler years were easier for me personally.

Mum to a 2.5 year old & I see you & I hear you! I love working & weekends fill me with dread. Being at home never feels relaxing & my DC has headlice from nursery now so trying to comb their hair (which they hate) sets off so many tantrums.

It is so very hard but I will say I've definitely learned patience during the toddler years. It was something I never had before.

Oof! Thank you for your honesty. I've often wondered if it could be true.

The worst (scariest) thing is, we have been TTC. You see I'm 40, and we have to try now or never. I could have started TTC a year ago but couldn't bear the thought of another. Now it's last chance saloon. I'm dreading having another but somehow the dread of not having the second is ever so slightly greater.

I wish our society was fairer and more equal. Equality of pay, parental leave, cheaper childcare and a mothers role valued higher. Plus the toll it takes on you physically. Mother Nature is a total fucking misogynist.

Yes, it's the opposite of the old "it takes a village...". Sometimes there is no village!

I've noticed that a lot of pur toddler groups that got me through the first two haven't restarted after covid. There used to be 2 groups a day within walking distance and now there are 2 a week so we don't get out as much which I hate as I loved the routine of toddler groups and I felt that we had achieved something

There true here as well and agree it's will only make those early years harder- though generally many groups even adult one haven't come back or are only just starting to.

I absolutely second every word esp if your last paragraph!

I felt like you did with my first OP, Put me off having another one. Many years later (10 plus), husband and talked me into having another one. I am now one of ‘those’ mums who really enjoys having a toddler.

I think it’s because I got used to having no life for the previous 13 years so just ended up embracing it. I do however, absolutely detest having to think of 3 meals a day- worst part of parenting for me.