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Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
spongebunnyfatpants · 31/10/2022 23:38

Please tell him its the "height of rudeness" to inform someone that they can not honour their deceased Mother by using her name for their child and that if he had any "compassion" he would understand how much this means to you. He does not have any ownership over who carries on your mum's name.
Please use your mum's name for you daughters middle name, you will regret it if you don't.
Oh and congratulations on your lovely news.

tolerable · 31/10/2022 23:38

at a not my family party ex dps name got called and there was a swoosh/wind..cos they werent inventive
his late uncle (one of the identicals)never broke breath to us because -i didni do it again
all the man he ever be
my nephew has same middl name as my son.i dont care.
whats he gony do bout it-really?
say
ok.thanks for saying that-ignore or be superb and add his name at back of it

Drfosters · 31/10/2022 23:38

Yep completely unreasonable of your DB. Every boy on my husband’s side has the same middle name incl our son. There are so many of them now. I honestly have no idea who they are exactly named after, it has just become tradition. I do think sometimes names can cause a lot of upset despite what some people think (I certainly have been on the receiving end of that hurt) but on this occasion you both have the right to honour your mum in the same fashion.

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OldFan · 31/10/2022 23:38

YANBU. He's being unreasonable.

Summerfun54321 · 31/10/2022 23:40

I think you need to send the link of this thread to your DB and show him that he’s being unreasonable.

SuperSue77 · 31/10/2022 23:41

@SheepDance true, but I might have a bit more sympathy with him - but not for a middle name.

Ellie56 · 31/10/2022 23:46

Who the hell does your brother think he is? Nobody owns a name. Just go ahead and honour your lovely mum. You will regret it if you don't.

As PP have said Prince William and Prince Harry have both given their daughters their beloved mum's name and if your brother says anything again just tell him very firmly that you will be honouring your mum, as you always intended, and if it is good enough for the Royal Family, it should be good enough for him too.

MushroomQueen · 31/10/2022 23:46

Food for thought - I have no idea what my cousins middle names are and I have 15 of them. So choose the name you love. My middle name is same as my DD just spelt differently. It's same middle name as my friends daughters middle. Doesn't matter at all.

TheOrigRights · 31/10/2022 23:48

I think your DB has entirely misunderstood how very many (most?) people choose a middle name.
There are 14 grandchildren on my side, and our parents' names have been used at least once by each of my siblings, sometimes for more than one child in the same family. The primary reaction is that it's nice to see our parents' names living on, with no thought of which of the other cousins have it.
Until now I've never even totted it up.

Does his wife have nieces and nephews or are there other families you know so you can show him it's normal (and nice) to use a family name as a middle name?

What on earth would you dear Mum say I wonder!

GrimVimes · 31/10/2022 23:54

I really hope this is fake as it seems so unbelievable. If it is real, all I think you can do is say to him something like "I'm afraid we're never going to agree on this. She was my Mum too. I've gone through infertility without her, and now I have to do pregnancy and childbirth without her, so I don't want to lose my brother too. Can we just agree not to talk about this again". And then just give her the middle name you want, but just don't mention it to him.

Ofcourseshecan · 31/10/2022 23:59

Fleur405 · 31/10/2022 21:45

Your brother is being completely ridiculous.

and very unkind to you. Sorry he’s being so stupid, OP. Don’t be bullied out of commemorating your Mum in this lovely way.

BogRollBOGOF · 01/11/2022 00:04

DS has a well used family name. I wouldn't have blinked if his cousin had been a boy and shared his name for the same reasons that I chose it. I couldn't have denied my sibling the chance to pay their respects just because I had a son first.

Clickncollect · 01/11/2022 00:05

My DS and DN both have the same middle name after a brother we lost. DN was first and it never crossed my mind that it could be an issue.
Up half the night? Ridiculous.
Congrats in your pregnancy OP x

Wheredoallthepensgo · 01/11/2022 00:07

I know if mum were here she would tell him to get a bloody grip!

Which is exactly what you should tell him.

He's being more than batshit cra-craaay! How dare he lay claim to his DD "Carrying on the name" - she was as much your Mum as his! Numpty.

Use your mum's name any way you choose and he can get over himself.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 01/11/2022 00:21

spongebunnyfatpants · 31/10/2022 23:38

Please tell him its the "height of rudeness" to inform someone that they can not honour their deceased Mother by using her name for their child and that if he had any "compassion" he would understand how much this means to you. He does not have any ownership over who carries on your mum's name.
Please use your mum's name for you daughters middle name, you will regret it if you don't.
Oh and congratulations on your lovely news.

Well put.

Cw112 · 01/11/2022 00:21

I think it's a bit over the top he's this annoyed especially because he obviously understands the reason and sentiment behind the choice of name and its natural you want to acknowledge your mum. However, you say he's not normally like this and it's very out of character. That makes me think it's his grief over losing your mum talking rather than him actually thinking it through. He's maybe not reacted initially because he wasn't sure how he felt (or was surprised at how he felt) and has tried badly to put it into words by text. I'd give it some time and then sit down with him and say this is not something you want to fall out over but it's really important to you that you honour your mum as well and this little baby has been a long time in the making for you and dh. I do wonder if there is another way you could incorporate your mum's legacy into her name, I have my granny's maiden name as my middle name for example, or maybe there's something you associate with her that would make a beautiful name. I think overall your brother is being a bit unreasonable but it's also not something I'd want to lose an otherwise close relationship over because it does sound like he's important to you too.

Huge congrats on the pregnancy, don't stress too much over this and make sure you're enjoying that wee bump!

SequoiaTree · 01/11/2022 00:22

Yanbu. Me and my cousin 6 months apart have our maternal grandmother's name Ruth as a middle name. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. No one minded at all. It's nice

Wheredoallthepensgo · 01/11/2022 00:22

tolerable · 31/10/2022 23:38

at a not my family party ex dps name got called and there was a swoosh/wind..cos they werent inventive
his late uncle (one of the identicals)never broke breath to us because -i didni do it again
all the man he ever be
my nephew has same middl name as my son.i dont care.
whats he gony do bout it-really?
say
ok.thanks for saying that-ignore or be superb and add his name at back of it

Are you drunk? Grin

EconomyClassRockstar · 01/11/2022 00:23

I am one of 4 and every single one of us have used my Mum’s name as our first born daughters middle name. It’s a beautiful name and a wonderful reflection of how important she is to us all. We are lucky as she is still alive but she absolutely loves it!

Wereongunoil · 01/11/2022 00:23

Is it your brother or is it his wife saying this? 🤔

beAsensible1 · 01/11/2022 00:35

myself and first cousins have the same middle name! after the goddess of justice. we love it, makes us feel like sisters😁

Thir · 01/11/2022 00:37

FWIW every child in our family has the same middle name. That applies to all girls and all boys with male/female variations

For example; (this isn't the name just an example)

John Samuel Smith
Matthew Samuel Smith
Elizabeth Samantha Smith
Catherine Rachel Samantha Smith

I don't even know how it started. But coincidentally people who married into the family also had the same middle names, so it's just become that way.

So I think he's being ridiculous. We literally have about 8 children all with the same middle name, everyone just thought it was cute and it was a lovely for the cousins.

Thir · 01/11/2022 00:37

Wereongunoil · 01/11/2022 00:23

Is it your brother or is it his wife saying this? 🤔

I did wonder that too!

addictedtolipstick · 01/11/2022 00:40

@FarrahMoon you ask in your title is your brother being ridiculous.
Yes he is. Utterly ridiculous.
How dare he !

Give your soon to be born dd your beloved Mum's name as a middle name.

tolerable · 01/11/2022 00:43

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