Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

[FarrahMoon]

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

In my family there are cousins with the same first name, never mind middle name. And their parents didn't fall out about it.

Everyone is different, of course. But if this reaction is out of character for your brother, perhaps there's something else going on here? Could he be just using the name as a sort of excuse rather than expressing what's actually troubling him? If you are on good terms with your SIL, might she be able to shed some light on this?

If you are usually close to your brother, I'd suggest you speak to him to get to the bottom of this, rather than sending a message.

And huge congratulations to you! I hope this will prove to be a minor blip that you can quickly resolve, so you can relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Aw, I’m sorry. This sounds upsetting. I’m so glad you reached out for some support.

Please don’t be bullied out of naming your child in memory of your mum.

The relationship with your brother might be impacted, but this will also be the case if you’re forced into relinquishing the name.

Maybe let the situation percolate. Then trust your gut instinct. There’s going to be tension either way, so what feels right?

A well thought out note that explains but doesn’t apologise might be an option. Or perhaps someone close could mediate.

Can common ground be found? Perhaps you both want the girls to be close cousins - their shared name will be a lovely bond.

Good luck with it and sending love and health for your pregnancy. x

She was your mother too!!! You can honour her as you want.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Use your mum's name as you wish.

To join in with the many in here, I too have the same mn as my cousin, after our mutual grandmother, who died before we were born. I love having the same middle name as my marginally older cousin. She also gave it to her first daughter. (I did not, though my daughter's name begins with the same letter, and only because I wanted something less traditional).

Do it.

In both cases it is a middle name. Your brother and his wife can fuck off. They have no say in what you call your children, and he certainly has no right to get you to change your choice of middle name to honour your mum. Congratulations on having a little girl! Commiserations for having a brother who is as daft as a brush but not so useful.

I'd say that as important as it was for him to honour your mum in that way, it's equally important to you to honour your mum in that way. Surely he can appreciate that, as he obviously felt the same way. As lovely as it is that his daughter will carry the name on, so will your daughter.

I obviously didn't know your mum but I doubt she would have had any issue with her granddaughters both sharing her name.

Don't back down on this if it means a lot to you, he will get over it!

Most people would not have a problem with this. YANBU.

It’s a middle name. Dh’s family has multiple people on every generation for multiple generations with the same middle name.

He is being ridiculous and you should absolutely use the name… but seeing as you say he is normally lovely and you are close, perhaps it is worth talking it over with him? It’s clearly, for whatever reason, struck a very deep chord with him and maybe discussing it will let him work through the issue and let you both move on in unison with this tribute to your mum.

Dont give your baby a name youre not truly happy with, its bad luck
Your brother needs to grow up

Say "you're right, I'll make it her first name then".

He's being ridiculous.

Your brother is being ridiculous.

My cousin and I both have a middle name which honours a relative who passed away before we were born. It's a really nice gesture and your DB needs to get over himself. You're entitled to honour the mother you've grieved.

Hardly anyone goes by their middle name anyway. However, I wouldn't speak any more of your daughter's full name unless he asks directly. All you need to tell him is her first name, surely?

😆😆😆Clear as mud.

Also, I wonder how much of this is DB. I'm making a sweeping statement but it's usually women who get upset about things like names. You don't have to make it a big thing but you definitely shouldn't back down if you don't want to.

I am shocked at DB's reaction. There are several sons of my siblings, including one of mine who share DF's middle name (he was known as a shortened version of it.) I think you'll regret it if you don't use it.
MIL was very pushy that we name our DD after her but it's awful. She wanted us to use it as a Christian name but would have settled as a middle name. I refused, she argued that we had named DS after my side so I named DD after her much older cousin (DD's middle name is her cousin's Christian name.) Our niece was sixteen at the time and delighted. They're very close and DD was her bridesmaid when she got married. They have a lovely relationship.

Two of my mum's cousins share the same first name ffs, let alone middle name. And afaik there was never any drama about that.

And I know it's a different culture, but I once knew a Spanish woman whose three daughters all had the same first name and different middle names.

Your brother is being totally ridiculous.

wank

Op keep yourself calm ok.please don’t let this make you poorly.your lo one needs you to be ok.
you db is being a dick.it’s would be sweet that they are both carrying on grand memory of anything.
I no you do t want to fall out with him.but it’s him falling out with you!this isn’t your doing.you are doing nothing wrong and please don’t let this man rail road you. Be momma bear here and use the name you wish.
mask him why?ask him what he would do if the roles were reversed.ask him how he could not no what this would mean to his sister.

Myself and my sister both have middle names of aunties that passed away. Our 2 cousins (sisters and both younger than us) also share the middle names we have. I don't really see the issue.

Yanbu.

If it were first names, I would totally get it. But middle names? Pfft. They are often family names, and as such they get repeated within families. My niece has the same middle name as my daughter (older by 7 months), and I think it's lovely that they share a middle name. It happens to be a family name but even if it wasn't I couldn't get worked up about it.

Congratulations! He is being ridiculous.

Your DB is BU
I know an extended family where all the girls have 'Victoria' as a second or third name. All the little cousins (8 of them at present) are very proud of it.

My sisters child has the same name as my child. Never had a problem with this. Just because I named my child this one name didn’t preclude my sister from using the same name for her child. We both married and have different last names.

At the time my sister was genuinely shocked that I was happy for her. It’s a name and just because my husband and I chose the name for our child doesn’t preclude my sister from picking the same name. It’s a family name too but I would have chosen it anyway.

I think you need to sit down with your brother and figure this out. This isn’t about the name. This about your brother having a hard time with your mothers passing.

Congratulations on pregnancy.
He's being unreasonable - it's just a middle name, not like the cousins will have the same first name and it's obviously important to you. It's not disrespectful at all.
Just go with it and he'll get over it.