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Original poster

Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

391 replies

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:43

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

OP posts:
EndlessMagpies · 31/10/2022 23:18

Your brother is being completely ridiculous. You didn't copy their name choice, you'd already decided on it, and it just so happens that they had a girl before you and had the same idea. Add the fact that you have had fertility issues, and he becomes crass and insensitive as well as ridiculous.

My dd's middle name is the same as my late DM's middle name, my MIL's middle name and her cousin's first name, who was named after MIL. Nobody was ever offended by it.

Stripedbag101 · 31/10/2022 23:20

in my family we have a surname that is also a first name - all boy cousins who don’t have the ‘family’ surname have the name as a middle name.

four boy cousins with the same middle name. I think it’s a lovely family tradition.

your brother is being ridiculous

Itisbetter · 31/10/2022 23:20

Just message back that you’ve waited so long for this baby and can’t believe he’s being so horrid about you wanting to name your daughter after your own mother who you. It’s hard enough having a child without your mothers support and so unkind of home to make it harder.
He might as well know how you feel.

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SheepDance · 31/10/2022 23:21

Your brother is being ridiculous.
I would be tempted to just text back "Thanks for your input" or something equally as dismissive and leave it at that. (I probably wouldn't though- I would also be feeling hurt by this if I were you!)

Caterina99 · 31/10/2022 23:22

Your brother is being ridiculous

I have the same first name as a cousin (different spelling and different nickname) and another cousin has it as a middle name. Never bothered me. I’m sure there’s some repeats amongst the boys too.

My brother and sil don’t have kids yet. I’d have zero issues with them using the same middle names as my kids. In fact my DS has my dad’s name as his middle name, which is also my DB middle name - so to be honest it’s quite likely!

maximist · 31/10/2022 23:22

My cousin (five years younger than me) has the same middle name as me (we were born in the 70s, so obviously it's Louise), we never had a problem with it, and neither did my parents. Your brother needs to get over it.

altmember · 31/10/2022 23:23

Your brother is being a complete arse. And I'd actually be inclined to use it as your daughter's first name rather than a middle name, why not?

Howamihere · 31/10/2022 23:24

Yep, your bro is an idiot! My Dad died when I was a teenager…..all 3 of my siblings have given their dc his name as one of their kid’s middle names. I can’t even work out why he’s being so silly🤷🏼‍♀️

LaGioconda · 31/10/2022 23:24

Maybe just suggest to your brother that he really thinks about this sensibly and whether your mum would really approve of what he is doing. Then ignore him and carry on and do what you want when the baby is born.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 31/10/2022 23:25

Your brother is being totally ridiculous. It's a family name. Of course multiple babies can have it. There will be at least 2 other Victorias in her class at school and yet she can't share a middle name with a cousin?? Bonkers! In some families all males share one middle name and all females likewise, to honor some distant great-great grandparents.

Go ahead an use your mum's name as planned. No one owns a name and your brother is being totally unreasonable.

blurer · 31/10/2022 23:26

FarrahMoon · 31/10/2022 21:55

Thank you everyone. I am reading your replies through my big fat tears! Feeling very emotional tonight and also had a shit day at work which isn't helping anything!

To the poster who asked, yes my mum had a middle name which I guess I could use. Its not what I wanted or planned but I don't want to fall out with DB we are usually so close. I don't know why he's being like this.

If it's so out of character for him, could it be his dw that doesn't like the idea of your dd having the name she used for hers?

I could be way off the mark but this is how it would be with my dbro and my sis in law. She would never tell me directly if there was an issue then she'd nag him and he'd then come to me and present it as his view to keep the peace. Only reason I'm suggesting this as that he was happy initially and now he's not. My guess would be she's been moaning to him non stop but wants it to come from him

hangryyhippo · 31/10/2022 23:28

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 31/10/2022 23:25

Your brother is being totally ridiculous. It's a family name. Of course multiple babies can have it. There will be at least 2 other Victorias in her class at school and yet she can't share a middle name with a cousin?? Bonkers! In some families all males share one middle name and all females likewise, to honor some distant great-great grandparents.

Go ahead an use your mum's name as planned. No one owns a name and your brother is being totally unreasonable.

Yes, I know five brothers who all have the same two middle names, it's some kind of family tradition.

Hasn't caused them any issues and I think it's a pretty common practise.

2022Ilovealiein · 31/10/2022 23:28

@FarrahMoon Many congratulations to you and your husband on your pregnancy,
you are excitedly awaiting the arrival of your much wanted baby, a beautiful baby girl! You must be thrilled and of course you must use the name you always intended to use, I think it is a wonderful idea and a lovely compliment to your mum. Your brother is being unfair and ridiculous so please do not let anything spoil this special time for
you and your husband. Go happily ahead with your plans and enjoy every minute! XX

TattoedLady · 31/10/2022 23:29

YANBU. Both my sister and brother gave my nephews the same middle name...and the boys have the same surnames too!

But I'll hazard a guess he thinks his daughter is supposed to have your mothers name because he's the older sibling. And your daughter having your mums name now somehow diminishes his daughters 'status' as the one who 'carries on mum's name'. It doesn't. He's being a tit. Both girls can honour their late granny.

Congrats on your baby!

hangryyhippo · 31/10/2022 23:30

Also thinking about it, my auntie repurposed my middle name for her daughter, can't say anyone batted an eyelid, least of all me Grin

PoundShopPrincess · 31/10/2022 23:30

Your DB is being quite odd about this. It's really common to pass down family names. My DM, my DSIS, my cousin and two of our nieces have the same name either as a first or middle name. Two of my nephews and DS have the same middle name. No-one has ever batted an eyelid.
If your DH and DB have a good relationship, do you think your DH could have a chat with him to try to get to the bottom of it? You don't need the stress atm. Or alternately, use your DM's name as a first name or use your DM's middle name for your DD. But try to decide quickly which approach you're going to take, don't discuss it with your DB and don't worry about it again. You should be enjoying your pregnancy not worrying about your DB throwing his toys out of the pram.

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/10/2022 23:30

He’s being a nob of the highest order

Ignore him. Of course you want to honour your mum.

SuperSue77 · 31/10/2022 23:33

Your brother is being silly and selfish. Choosing a similar first name wouldn’t be on, but middle names are fine.

Neodymium · 31/10/2022 23:35

Sounds like if he was fine at the time and then messaged you later it was his partner that got in his ear and told him that to be angry about it.

SheepDance · 31/10/2022 23:36

SuperSue77 · 31/10/2022 23:33

Your brother is being silly and selfish. Choosing a similar first name wouldn’t be on, but middle names are fine.

Even if she chose a similar first name, there would be nothing the brother could do about it.

2022Ilovealiein · 31/10/2022 23:37

@FarrahMoon Also wanted to say that your brother should apologise to you, he
probably will when he realises how ridiculous he has been, so don't worry I think
you will remain close XX

rainbowstardrops · 31/10/2022 23:37

Your brother (and potentially your SIL) are being absolutely unreasonable!
Of course both children can have the same middle name, especially as it's to honour your mum!
I can't imagine any of my cousins know my middle name and vice versa!

Let things settle for a bit and then calmly explain that he's being a dick it will be lovely for the cousins to share their granny's name.

Summerfun54321 · 31/10/2022 23:37

My DH lost two family members very young. My kids and loads of other DH’s family have their names as middle names. The point is to honour them, remember them and celebrate them. The more the merrier surely.

Merlo · 31/10/2022 23:37

Your DB is being utterly ridiculous. In years gone by, it was incredibly common for cousins to share the same first name and definitely not seen as rudeness! Please use the name, I think it’s so lovely that your DM’s name has now become a family name in her honour and will hopefully be passed along by your DD and DN, so her memory lives on. Try to explain to your brother, the joy this would have brought to her and how precious it is to you as a family to now to be able to pass a small piece of her along to the next generation. It’s something that will always bond the girls to your DM and to each other.
Huge Congratulations on your little miracle.

Ship · 31/10/2022 23:38

Ignore him OP, that’s ridiculous. My son and nephew have the same middle name to honour my dad who passed away. I was delighted that my nephew was given the same name and so was my son who loves sharing the name.

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