Is my brother being ridiculous or do I need to pick a new name?

[FarrahMoon]

DB and I lost our mum to an illness many years ago. I was a teen and DB a bit older. I am mid 30s now.

Since mum passed away I always planned to give my daughter (should I ever be blessed with one) mum's name as a middle name to honour and remember her. I have never spoke to DB about it. Let's say the name is Victoria.

4 years ago my beautiful niece was born and was given Victoria for her middle name. Absolutely lovely, db obviously had the same idea as me and wanted to honour our mum. No problem there at all, I thought it was really nice.

Skip to yesterday, I found out on Friday that I am having a little girl and DB and SIL invited us round for Sunday lunch. I thought it would be nice to share the news with them and they were both really happy for us.

SIL asks if we have picked our name yet and I replied that we haven't settled on a first name yet but baby's middle name will be Victoria, just like her big cousin and after her granny. All good, the rest of the night was lovely and I thought no more of it.

This evening I received a WhatsApp for DB saying that he had been up half the night last night feeling annoyed about us choosing Victoria as a middle name for our DD. He said he understood the reason why we chose it but since niece was born first and already had the name we should out of respect pick a different name.

I was really taken back, he mentioned nothing about this last night and even told me it was lovely! I replied and said I have planned this from mum passed away and it would mean a great deal to me if he could just be supportive of this, it means so much to me for dd to have her granny's name. Both girls will have different first and last names anyway so it's not like they will be similar.

He wrote back its the "height of rudeness" to copy their name choice and if I had any "compassion" I would change the name and respect that their dd will be the one who "carries on mum's name."

Now I'm sitting here feeling very tearful and hurt. DB is not normally like this, we are very close. He has really upset me and now I feel like I need to give DD a different middle name or I am showing disrespect towards him, which was the last thing I wanted.

Not that it makes a difference to the situation but DH and I have tried for this baby for 7 years after battling infertility. It's a miracle I'm even having her and when we found we were having a girl it made it even more special and meaningful that I could use mum's name. I just want to honour my lovely mum.

My children (one of each sex), both have the same middle names as my sister's kids (also one of each sex). My kids are older and initially I thought it was a bit odd but it's a tribute made out of love. I could have had a strop but it would have made me a bit of a churlish bastard so I just enjoyed the fact that two people I loved were also equally loved by my sister.

You should definitely use the name. Your brother is being really selfish and highly unreasonable.

Your brother is being ridiculous. In my family ALL the firstborn girls across 3 generations have the same middle name, named after their mutual ancestor.
I don't think that kind of thing is particularly uncommon; family names are a regular thing in many families.

Congratulations. He's being ridiculous.

I think it's save to guess your brother isn't Irish!!! It's reduced a lot in recent years but 30-50 years ago it was nearly essential to keep names the family.

My grandfather and great grandfather were called Patrick Joseph and as a result I've aunts, uncles, cousins named or second named Patrick, Joseph, Paraic, Patricia, Josephine, PJ, Paudie. It's nearly stranger not to have a connection!!!

Call your daughter whatever you like.

If you really want to show him how insane he's being you could send him the link to this thread.

Sorry that he is behaving like that. I am one of 4 and each of us has given a son my Dad's name (which is also my brother's name) as a middle name. I really like it that the 4 cousins get to share that bond, the eldest of them was 3 when my Dad died and one was not yet born so I am glad that they have a link to the man who would have been a wonderful grandfather to them

Congratulations on your pregnancy

My son and nephew have the same 2 middle names. My son, my daughter and my nephew also have a family surname as one of their middle names. It's a nice connection to each other and deceased family members.

He's being crazy. No-one owns a name, especially not a parent name that's too be a middle name!

I have a large family and many males have a common ancestor name as the middle name. It wasn't like the first couple who chose it for their baby got first dibs! It's lovely so many share the name.

Congratulations on your long-awaited bump and I hope everything goes well for you. Ignore your brother and enjoy your blossoming new family!

It is a special connection and he's being a bit of an ass at the moment.
I have 7 sisters, so 8 girls in the family. 5 of us share the same middle name. 5. and that's a lot closer than cousins, quite a few of them also share our middle name. It's not that uncommon for siblings, let alone cousins, to share a middle name or more.

Three of the Queen’s four granddaughters have her name; Zara Anne Elizabeth Tindall, Beatrice Elizabeth Mary, and Louise Alice Elizabeth Mary Mountbatten-Windsor.

five out of her seven great-granddaughters bear her name: Isla Elizabeth Phillips, Charlotte Elizabeth Diana, Lena Elizabeth Tindall, Lilibet Diana Mountbatten-Windsor, and Sienna Elizabeth Mapelli Mozzi.

If it's good enough for the Queen.....

Like @hoooops, all my nephews have my (dead) dad's first name as their middle name.

This. Your brother is being an arse. My son and nephew have the same middle name, after my dad. It is very common for families to do this. How many royals have the name Elizabeth somewhere?

He is being VU but given it's out of character I would assume it's triggered something in him about your mum's loss.

Honestly, I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation, if he doesn't come round.

You still deserve to use the name, but if it will cause an ongoing rift, is it worth it.

What about your mum's maiden name?

Congratulations on you pregnancy!

your brother is being an idiot.

No wonder you are upset. But I can see why you don’t want to upset your brother.

I think you should stick to your plan, but don’t discuss it with your brother just yet. Give yourself a rest from worrying about this and focus on the exciting times ahead. In the meantime, I’m sure your brother will come to his senses.

if he doesn’t - show him this thread!

Both my grandfathers, my brother, my dad and my uncle have the same first name, so I think two cousins can have the same middle name without too much of an issue

He is being beyond insensitive and I imagine it came from his wife. I wouldn’t answer atm. But if it’s good enough for the royal family, it’s good enough for your family.

HE is BVU!

It’s a middle name, after your mum, you’ve wanted to do this for a long time. It is totally fine (and as above actually quite common) for cousins to have the same middle name.

I have the same middle name as my cousin. Both the eldest girl in our families. No issues.

Even the royals are at it (although I wouldn’t go basing all my life choices on them!)

Princess Charlotte is Charlotte Elizabeth Diana and Harry’s daughter is Lilibet Diana. Of course Harry wanted to honour his Mum and Gran too, totally fine!

He’s being absolutely ridiculous. Please don’t change your plan to honour and remember your late mother because he is being an absolute twat. Many families often share the same pool of family names over many generations, it’s completely normal.

Your brother is being very odd over this, and really has no place to ask you to reconsider your choice of name. Nobody owns the right to a name and if anything they should be happy that the cousins will share a name together, particularly given the significance of it.

My daughter has the same first name as my niece. When my sister told me that they had decided to name their daughter for mine I was thrilled - they chose my daughter's name for their baby because they love her and love her name. We all liked the idea of keeping a name in the family too.

He is completely ridiculous.

Cousins often have the same middle names.

My kids and my siblings' kids actually swapped middle and first names AND have the other middle name in common, and that is common too! (think, "Sarah Jane" "Jane Sarah" "Thomas Alexander" "Richard Alexander") We thought it was a nice way to bring them together.

Tell him firmly to piss off, and do not back down.

Your brother is being ridiculous! I would understand if you both wanted to use it as a first name, but a middle name? I actually don’t know or can’t remember any of my nieces and nephews’ middle names.

I gave my DD the female version of her uncle’s name who died. My nephew has the male version as his first name. We both wanted to honour a special person who died young. The only difference in the name is that her name ends is ra and his in er. They were born a few months apart and still not an issue.

Yanbu

By the way, I doubt it's coming from the SIL. She is not the one related to the deceased relative, and women are more likely than men to be aware of naming trends among their friend's kids and so on--she will surely have come across cases of people who use "family" middle names.

Bonkers. My cousin & I have given our oldest daughters our beloved grandma's name as a middle name. Our other cousins don't have any issue with it.

@FarrahMoon your brother is being really silly here and should be supportive. Could it possibly be his wife chirping in his ear?

Congratulations! It took us 7 years to conceive our DD too, it’s so special to finally become a mum. Do what you want with regards to a name and don’t let anyone else make you feel bad or detract from something so special. Enjoy every moment, it really is the best thing ever, welcome to motherhood 💐