What's the secret of very high achieving children?

[Starbrightmoonlight]

Is it private school? Cultural capital? Lots of travel? High expectations? Kids expected to work hard at school, parents setting extra work at home? Is money & extracurriculars a factor?
The most high achieving families I know have children attending private school, travel loads, bring the dc to galleries, exhibitions, theatre etc, kids excel in extracurriculars & parents very invested in "expanding" the curriculum themselves... Any thoughts?

@Cuppasoupmonster totally agree with your post below- it's about what's right for a child/young adult- not just something for parents to brag about. I know some exceptionally high earning builders- are they high achieving- ? Well they have nice homes, holidays and cars - so in a non academic way- yes they are.

The OP yes, but there have been plenty of comments in the thread about university and careers. Because two obvious questions are “What does ‘high achieving’ mean?” and “Does it lead to happiness in childhood and in adulthood?”

@NoNameNowAgain

Thanks.

Unfortunately though with really pushy parent the child may not be able to execl because the can't do what they want

An absence of an enquiring mind and having no desire to learn would hold everybody back, surely?

My 3 are probably what you would consider high achieving. They are all in their 20s now, but achieved high GCSE and A’Level grades, 2 went to Oxford and 1 to another Uni, they have various Grade 8s in different instruments. They danced and played sport to county level, but they can also cook, garden, do DIY etc.
To me they are normal. I think genetics play a part as well as the environment. I’d never say we did anything particularly special, but we did go to the library, visited museums etc and all 3 loved reading. But equally they played out, went to friends, got drunk etc. No tutoring and other than asking if they’d done their homework or helping if required, we didn’t interfere. When they had study leave to revise for their GCSEs, I suggested 2 x half an hour a day!!
We did do things together, eg eating dinner, playing games etc which meant we always chatted.
Two have good jobs - 3rd is still at Uni. What will happen in the future, I don’t know.

I just think some kids are born that way. One of my sons is a very high achiever. Almost elite at everything he does despite going to an inner city state. He’s in top sets and is on track for great GCSE results despite not doing much homework and having zero tuition. He is a member of a running club and regularly comes first in the city. He also plays for a football academy so he is definitely over scheduled which he seems to enjoy. So it is full on and he does need us to take him back and forth to his activities but they’re all self led from him. He’s a happy lad. The moment he tells me he wants to drop an activity or whatever he can do so. He’s also…. And I am aware I’m going to sound like a right bell end saying this really, really handsome but kind and definitely not arrogant.

We have two other “average” kids. Not sure if I should use that word as they are absolutely lovely and wonderful in their own ways it’s just my son seems to be a bit of an achievement freak!…. I am sure if he was my only one I would be patting myself on the back right now at my amazing parenting but honestly he was just born that way.

Who knows what the future may hold. it’s not unusual for kids like my son to stall at some point …. Life is a funny old thing.

Dd is very high achieving, always has been. Top of the class throughout school. Spoke early, always needed attention and me to do things with her. Not a child you could plonk in front of screens. Always asking questions from a very young age. Learnt to write early, before attending school and I just did things with her and spent a lot of time with her. Now as a young adult is earning as much as dh and I put together, just had an £8000 pay rise.
I would not say she was an easy child, not in the least bit placid but I think that is part of the ‘high acihiever’ status. She is also a perfectionist which has its drawbacks trust me.

Dd had also been earning her own money since the age of 16.

I have 1 very high achieving ds and one pretty high, ds1 at Oxbridge, ds2 at UCL. Ds1 got 9’s and A*, ds2 9’s and A’s.

They went to the local schools which were distinctly average and we never did much in terms of extracurricular. We always gave them time and engaged their interest in the natural world and science etc but nothing more.

They both lack the confidence of private school kids and they are both quirky and have their struggles. I just want happy, contented kids really. I’m not very academic so having very academic kids is odd.

In most cases it's genetics. The children are naturally intelligent with a good memory and the ability to understand new concepts quickly.

The vast majority of children are average and some will become high achievers as a result of parental interest, going to a reasonably good school, travel and visits to places of interest.

Other average children will fail to reach their potential because of a lack of parental interest and poor schooling with lots of disruptive pupils. Many of these will catch up in later life and get the qualifications they missed out on when they were younger.

If childrens parents don't have money that cannot do most of the things you have listed. And hungry, tired, cold, worried children with adverse childhood experiences struggle to achieve.

Genes and not getting in with the wrong crowd.

I agree with this. Perhaps a follow-on question to the OP's question is 'What helps a high-achieving child become a successful adult?' If we take 'successful' to mean materially well-off/ in high-flying or high-profile jobs, this is where I think money, extracurricular activities and 'social capital' play a huge role, more so perhaps than innate intelligence and academic success. These things give people confidence and a feeling of belonging and being entitled to be at the top (even if they're not actually very good at their jobs). And of course some people will prioritise different things in life - work-life balance, doing something they're passionate about - which might make them less obviously 'successful' in life than those who don't have the same record of academic achievement.

Money. We don’t have any family either and I think it’s so lovely for kids to grow up with loads of cousins, grandparents etc. they just have us, and we’ve not got the money, or the energy to take them away for weekends, abroad etc. I do feel a bit sad when people say how dd goes ballet etc et ec etc. neighbour goes to posh school and does so many amazing activities and travel. He’s also with kids whose parents know how to achieve.

Dh and I call it ‘the curse of being academic’ - the expectation that you will go on to work in a profession, or fly high in the corporate world.

I would encourage parents to have children explore their values. Doing something that aligns with your values gives the best chance of happiness/fulfilment etc

An enquiring mind doesn’t mean you’ll be successful in a career. I’m very enquiring about things that interest me, but they’re not career related things. I think a work ethic matters more as you’ll make the effort to learn everything you need to even if you don’t find it that interesting.

Reading books together. Having books in the house.

If you're looking for a single magic bullet, that's the one educationalists identify.

It’s a strength to know what you don’t know, but I don’t think successful people are necessarily hugely interested in what they do. And to be fair if we’re talking in terms of general high achievement, Gareth Southgate isn’t a very good example to use.

It's pot luck

you can have one high achieving child but his sibling may be the total opposite

Nature helps but mostly parents that place high value on education. My siblings and I are all high achievers from a very modest background - working-class NI catholics. Due to the history of discrimination, my mum placed a high value on education and sat with us at the kitchen table every afternoon in primary school and read with us and got us to do extra work. Basically, like immigrant/Asian parents.

Yes, genetics help, but discipline and parental focus meant a huge deal. I also worked harder than anyone else at Oxford as I had nothing else to fall back on.

It is genetics. I was a high achiever at school, so was my dh. We have two high achieving children. They don't work harder than other kids in their school, or have more cultural capital. Things just come more easily to them academically.

@demimore you don’t think that there are many many children who are just as genetically blessed with intelligence as your children but weren’t read to as young children, no one checks their homework, not feed nutrious food??

of course people have a natural level of ability - but it’s incredibly naive and ironically quite ignorant to deny the massive impact that all sorts of external factors have

No, not many. If their parents are high achievers they are very likely to do those things with them - unless they have some exceptional crisis that prevents them from doing so. Reading to your kids costs very little.

They are born with the personality they are destined to have and will either succeed , or won’t. After parenting 8 children, both bio and step, parents don’t influence this as much as we think we do

@demimore you are exceptionally ignorant and kinda stupid if that’s your understanding of education, achievement and poverty.

just because you don’t know poor and deprived children doesn’t mean that lord of them don’t exist. And also doesn’t mean that lots of them are as smart or smarter than you or your children.