What's the secret of very high achieving children?

[Starbrightmoonlight]

Is it private school? Cultural capital? Lots of travel? High expectations? Kids expected to work hard at school, parents setting extra work at home? Is money & extracurriculars a factor?
The most high achieving families I know have children attending private school, travel loads, bring the dc to galleries, exhibitions, theatre etc, kids excel in extracurriculars & parents very invested in "expanding" the curriculum themselves... Any thoughts?

I’d had 17&18 year old very rubbish parents only had me to get a council house, and father soon disappeared

I went to university by the skin of my teeth and came out with a shit 2:2 degree but a degree all the same, but made nothing of myself

my main struggles were I had no confidence or self esteem and no real understanding of the world particularly with regards to work interviews etc obviously no money either but I could have overcome that but I could never overcome my personality

on the other hand could I ever have made a successful career when I focus so much on my kids having what I didn’t I’m not sure

To be honest I’ve only read the extract around the hothousing of Tiger Woods versus the more relaxed Federers. The idea is that it’s good to diversify, develop a range of skills and find your own enthusiasm. Federer did a lot of different sports before tennis and his parents were not at all pushy.
This extract:
“But when scientists examine the entire developmental path of athletes, they find that the eventual elites typically devote less time early on to deliberate practice in the activity in which they will later become experts. Instead, they undergo what researchers call a "sampling period." They play a variety of sports, usually in an unstructured or lightly structured environment; they gain a range of physical proficiencies from which they can draw; they learn about their own abilities and proclivities; and only later do they focus in and ramp up technical practice in one area.”

The idea is that this is not just true of athletes.

I agree.

High achievers often find work very easy, understand concepts and ideas very quickly, are often free thinkers with a good memory. They can apply knowledge from one area/subject to other areas of learning. If a topic interests them they will naturally read everything and anything they can about it and become an annoying expert. Extended learning is natural to them which gives them both depth and breadth in exam situations.
They are often excellent analysts who can answer a question through applying their general knowledge when they don’t actually know the answer.
They cope well under pressure, often thriving in exam situations. This above all else gives them a huge advantage in our current education system.
Having said that, high flyers often choose high pressure jobs where you really don’t want someone who cracks up under the slightest pressure.

That's really good advice and appropriate for any age probably too.

If you're too comfortable in life you're much more inclined to be satisfied with what you have and stick at that "level" (be that at school, college, in your career etc etc).

A complex mix of genetics, involved parents who have the desire and means to offer a range of opportunities, and being around peers who are also curious and enjoy learning.

Naturally high intelligence, an enquiring mind and an insatiable desire to learn.

I would disagree actually, these types end up eternal students or doing very abstract niche subjects that don’t really equate with ‘high success’. I think practical skills, a hard work ethic and people skills matter slightly more than intelligence although they need that too!

Immigrants and migrants are, almost by definition, aspirational.

And many of them, and later generations of various diaspora, know they will need to work extra hard to succeed.

I was one of the brightest kids all through school and have a STEM PhD however I’m from a very working-class background, didn’t travel or go to galleries, exhibitions or to the theatre, and didn’t take part in any extra-curricular activities. Parents weren’t high achievers and not that invested (was sometimes mocked by my mum for knowing stuff). In fact, because my relationship with my parents wasn’t the best, I used to spend a lot of time out of their way reading library books which I think may have been the main contributing factor to my grades.

But ‘An insatiable desire to learn’ doesn’t just mean academically. The most successful people and achievers listen and learn all the time. From competitors, innovators, critics, new ideas. Look at Gareth Southgate. Many commentators credited his success partly in his decision to have an advisory team of people with skills and disciplines that were new to him, where it is more normal to appoint those who have the same knowledge as you and affirm your approach.

I was a high achiever (although I decided to go into a HCP in the NHS instead of studying at Oxford). I'm early career HCP so probably stagnated anyway. I have high ambitions for my career but unlikely to be counted as high achieving any more but I have a degree and specialist qualification.

ADHD. Minimal attention paid in class, panic studied my GCSEs the night before and A Levels 2 nights before alongside my best friend (also ADHD) and we came out with all A/A*.

My parents were relatively well off but we lived a normal life in the North of england but with a SAHM. Attended state schools etc. I do recognise the privilege we had to never worry about money, could put it anything we needed in at the supermarket etc.

My brother is younger, doesn't have ADHD and in academic terms not a high achiever (although did well enough), his first apprenticeship fell through but now works in IT (entry level role) and earns NHS equivalent band 4 with good progression opportunities aged 19.

I am very unlikely to ever out earn my own father, but he is incredibly supportive of my career and championed it from the start.

My parents read to me from birth, I could read and write before I attended school. We went on normal holidays to the east coast. We went to the odd stately home but it did nothing for us. The best thing my parents did was send me to a normal, diverse school.

A close relative of mine used to be a benefits assessor at the DHSS. She used to visit families from a very wide range of cultural backgrounds. She said you could tell which families had children who would do well at school by simple things such as is there family support to help the children do their homework, eg a dedicated desk/area for them? Are there books in the house? Do the family sit down to eat (and discuss things) together?

I’m going to say in order of importance;

1. genetics
2. stability and support
3. availability of resources which may or may not include money

My daughter is a very high achiever, she has always just been very bright. Flew through the kent test and the admissions tests to her current school and just seems to ‘get things’.

She has an incredible memory which I think certainly helps because she can be told something once and it just sticks.

We are not rich and I am a single parent (last year) but I’m a professional and earn good money with a good work ethic.

She is an only child so I suppose she has had a lot of attention from us as parents etc always reading to her, taking her out to eat, doing home work with her etc but really I think she was just born like it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would say parental interest. Me and DH always put our children first in every decision. We go without luxuries to work around them. We don’t have a lot of money but try to give our children as many opportunities that they want and we can afford. Our holidays are based on things they want to do or places they want to visit within our budget (usually U.K.) not sitting round the pool drinking (nothing wrong with that it’s just not us). We don’t put any pressure on our children to excel but ensure they have what they need, correct books, equipment etc. We’re not strict but certain behaviour is expected.

The “expose them to as much as possible” model definitely seems to work. Didn’t Emma Raducanu say she’d tried loads of different activities before settling on tennis. I think she mentioned go-karting and karate in the mix!

Without wanting to stereotype, there is definitely such thing as the Chinese Tiger Mum/Dad! DH had 2 friends of Hong Kong Chinese descent (parents emigrated to UK but friends born here) who he said were pushed incredibly hard by their parents and there are a handful of children at our DC’s primary (state school but highly rated) who are very high achieving.

Many on this thread seem to assume that academic achievement will lead to a high flying job. I was a high academic achiever, got a very good degree from a top university and now work for a cause that I’m passionate about - in a fairly low paid part-time job. A love of learning doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easy to find the right career after graduation or that someone is ambitious.

Parental interest, books, talking at the dinner table can't counteract genetics/ learning issues. They all help of course, but you aren't going to get high achievers if the underlying computer isn't there.

With the mental health crisis currently among today's teenagers I am always surprised by thread like these. Do people still desire or worry about this stuff?

I have 3 dds. Oldest is 21, I would describe her as bright but not super bright. She went to a selective girls' school, not top tier but probably next one down and was happy and did very well there. After considering doing an English degree, she is now persuing her passion in dance and is in her last year of a performing arts degree. Some parents would not be happy with this or facilitate it or be willing to pay the fees but I am a believer in children following their dreams even if they don't come to fruition. She may or may not make it as a professional dancer but in the meantime she is doing something she loves.

Middle dd is super clever. Taught herself to read aged 3, read passionately and widely from a young age, was interested in all sorts of things, keen to learn, attended a super selective grammar school. As a family we value education and tried to give all our dds a wide and varied childhood, but I do believe dd2 was born like this ie nature not nurture. At 19 she is studying for a History degree and is considering careers. My main aim for her is for her to do something she loves and lives a happy fulfilling life whatever that looks like for her. I have no desire to push her into a particular field.

Youngest dd is 15. On the autistic spectrum. Probably as clever, or nearly as clever as dd2, but the difference is she has no interest in schoolwork, the world around her, history, politics etc. Her main interests are (like many teenage girls) - clothes, make up and Tik Tok. She is also a keen dancer. She has had some mental health problems and missed some school. For a child of her ability she should be on track for 8s and 9s at GCSE but that's not going to happen as things stand. Her issues have given me a wake up call about what is really important and there is so much more to life than grades. I am sure as she matures her interests will widen and she will find her niche. This may sound as I am critical or disappointed in her but that couldn't be further from the truth. She is a great kid, funny, sweet and affectionate who has a lot of struggles and battles anxiety. I am so happy when she goes to her dance classes, out with friends, sleepovers etc. I just hope life becomes easier for her.

My dds all have some friends with really strict parents who value studying above everything else. Nag them about schoolwork all the bloody time. One poor girl is barely allowed out if not to school or the library. My dds are very grateful I am not like that.

I don't think being clever or high achieving necessarily brings happiness or joy in life. The vast majority of people are of average intelligence and lead happy lives.

@PurpleParrotfish but the question was regarding high achieving children, not adults.

The thing that strikes me about all this, is that the dc with a good stable warm home with plenty to eat, hobbies, money, encouragement, education that did well at school, uni and ended up in decent jobs etc aren't the high achievers at all. They have just done what is expected of them, the opportunities were handed to them and it was made pretty easy.
The real high achievers imo are the ones that have faced adversity and often dragged themselves up with no support and still make a success of their lives.
A lot of millionaires are self made and started with very little.

As someone said below I think having huge general knowledge and a thirst for knowledge at a young age is a big thing . My son was busy drawing train routes for the Uk when he was7 and flight paths- so
Much so we did wonder if he was on the spectrum. He did exceptionally average at school simply because he couldn't be bothered if something didn't interest him- started an IT apprentice at 16 and has done really well - he's now 24 earning a fair bit above national average , and having shared houses since he was just under18 is well rounded, sociable and in my personal view a high achiever. High achieving is a very subjective term- is he a doctor - no- are his prospects good- I think so

I don't think being clever or high achieving necessarily brings happiness or joy in life. The vast majority of people are of average intelligence and lead happy lives.

Absolutely this.

I find it a bit 🙄 when people talk about kids ‘fulfilling their potential’, like they’re some kind of prize marrow or science experiment. Some people are bright, but lazy, and not good at handling stress. Some kids are average, but have great people skills and work well under pressure. Some kids aren’t very bright but work incredibly hard and have stamina, and would be a good fit for a manual job. I just want my kids to find a job that is a good fit for them and gives them what they need from life, I couldn’t care less about prestige or pushing them ‘to their maximum’.

@Crikeyalmighty IT is an excellent field to go into now, not just for the earning potential but variety of jobs - if you don’t like one you can apply for another. Not so easy for a doctor etc.