What happens if he doesn’t want the kids?

[AnightwiththeTiger]

I am not a fan of Christmas. I am also divorced and this year have decided to take my kids (all tween) away for the 2 weeks before Christmas. They get back on 21st and the plan was that they go straight to their Dads till Dec 30th. So he has them over Christmas and as it happens one birthday. I am going to see some relatives whilst they’re away. All good.

Today he’s announced via one of the kids that he thinks it’s “only fair” that I have them over the hols as he had them for Christmas past year too. This squarely fucks my plans, which is what I think he had hoped for. His ideal is that he sees the kids for the minimum amount of time and throws money and sweets at them and sends them home. Except this time I won’t be here.

If I’m not here then there’s nothing he can do, is there?
For context he decided to move an hour away. It expects me to do half the driving, and pays the minimal child support and calls anything above his 52 nights “doing an extra”. He has them an average of 3 nights a month. It’s meant to be EOW.

He can’t call social care and tell them I’m a rotten mother by my not being here when he’s had enough, can he? That’s effectively what he’s threatened.

How? Where is the “can’t be arsed?” This is ALL because it’s Christmas right? Fucks sake. Goady.

Christ what an awful post what type of person doesn't want their dc with them at Christmas

Yeah the father is pretty shitty. Can you imagine being the sort of father who not only doesn't want 50% shared care, but plans to use them as pawns in a nasty game against their mother AT CHRISTMAS??? I can't. And no doubt some people think he's amazing because he has his own children occasionally.

OP I feel for you. Not just because of your shitty ex, but also because of the nastily judgmental posts on here. Some people just aren't capable of seeing beyond the trite (OH! You must hate your children because you have plans that DON'T INCLUDE THEM!).

My first XH was like this and I'm afraid in the end I just decided to count him out, as it were. Never made plans for time without my son, just in case. Except for one time, and then I had back up arranged. It made it easier in my own mind, rather than an endless cycle of raised-then-dashed hopes.

FWIW- I don't think you're a dreadful parent. Just a knackered one.

Partners kids are not planning to come over, and might pop in on boxing night but nothing arranged so far.

So he’s not planning to see his kids either. Jeez.

Nothing planned. I didn’t say he wasn’t planning. I said nothing is planned. Your posts are weird and you seem to be getting off on being obtuse.

This thread is so nasty. The saddest post PP has ever read??

we don’t specifically know why OP doesn’t love Christmas. She just says she doesn’t and it’s commercialised forced happiness.

I used to hate it, because we’d go stay with my grandparents and my grandad would molest me. My memories of Christmas, for years and years, were of being abused while my mum got drunk and my dad argued with everyone and inevitably stormed out.

I love my Christmases now, it’s not really a trigger for me any more, but that’s basically luck and I still prefer a quiet cosy Christmas, I still hated big family Christmas events with my ex. Plenty of people have similar issues with the holidays. She does every bloody other thing, her kids know that, why can’t she have this one stated limit for herself?

Ok I’ll bite. I hate Christmas because my parents ran a bar and they were open right throughout it and it was shit and everyone was drunk, but none so drunk as my dad, who would be immortal throughout the whole break. There was always tensions and fights and nastiness and storming about. Horrible for all concerned. I associate it with excessive drinking, misery and loneliness. I find the pressure for it to be “perfect” just too much. My dad is dead now, because of alcohol. I don’t allow it in the house and I get so fucking sick of “pop over for a Christmas drink” etc. I’d rather not. I have no happy memories od Christmas save the ones I spent abroad in the sunshine, or when I had one of the kids and was in hospital for the duration.

So Christmas can fuck right off frankly.

Call his bluff, you deserve a break, especially after looking after special needs kids 24/7.....but whatever plans you make without them, be prepared that your abusive ex will leave them on your doorstep around Christmas.

So whatever you do and wherever you go, don't go too far, in case you need to quickly get back to them (half hour travel time max), so they're not on their own. Have frozen stuff in the fridge to quickly heat up if need be, decorations already out etc....if he decides to drop on doorstep.

Say to them he changed his mind about plans. But you're so happy you're spending more time with them. So they do feel wanted and loved by at least one parent, you.

Tell them the truth. Don't hide it from them. They need to know what a deadbeat dad he is. I had a deadbeat dad, worse than theirs, and yes it hurt knowing he didn't give a crap, but I would much rather live in truth, and that my mum had the integrity to not hide and cover up the raw truth about my dad....than be comforted, living in la la land, with a lies.

Your children will respect you more for it in the long run. Your children deserve the truth, show it to them.

Thankyou. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You get it.

I get you’re exhausted op and it’s unfair your ex is controlling and spoils things etc
I think the crux of it is around Christmas. Even if you don’t like, the whole country makes a big thing of it, and how do your kids feel about it? You mention a lot how much you hate it, not so much how they feel about it?
There’s a lot of emphasis on happy families at Christmas and I’d be one sad kid in this situation. I’d forsake the break with my partner and postpone it for another time.
make sure he takes them then

This is a really sad thread.

Everyone is outraged you expect their father to have them but everyone thinks its fine he expects yoy to have them.

He needs to be a dad ffs.

It’s Christmas and they’re your children. Suck it up and at least pretend you want to have them.

I think what I don't get about this is why you're SO adamant about not having them on Xmas.
I get that you don't like xmas. I don't like Valentine's Day, never have. We all don't have to like certain holidays. But why are you so outraged that given that he normally spends 3 nights a month with them that he won't have them on Xmas? What if he doesn't like Xmas and just wants to treat it as normal?
I'm not saying this is fair or how it should be btw but it's seemingly normal for your set up.

Honestly OP we all know very little about your life and your home vibes but I think you need to be very aware that you have children who may liek christmas or may want to enjoy it. It's great you're taking them on holiday and sounds like lots of fun but it's so sad that seemingly nobody wants to spend actual Christmas Day with them.

I think this is just reading that you don't want to celebrate Xmas so you don't want your children with you. I think you need to put their feelings first. They obviously already have a Disney dad.

This so coming from a single mum. I get the struggle.

Jesus wept. Is it any wonder that men feel they don't have to step up to the mark re parenting, when they get away with it scot free and women get such a kicking for expecting them to do even a tiny bit, let alone their fair share?

Shame on you, all of you attempting to guilt trip the OP. You are enabling shit fathers by trying to shame her into picking up his slack.

This.

I can’t believe so many of the PPs are so bedazzled by “It’s Christmassssss” that they overlook the facts.

The DC’s father doesn’t parent his DC in any fundamental way. He throws money at them, but won’t read their school reports.

He is prepared to dump his DC in an empty house to try to control his DC’s mother.

The DC’s father doesn’t want them for Christmas and rarely sees them for more the 3 days per month.

Who is the neglectful parent here? It sure as hell isn’t the DC’s mother.

Yes, she has to step up further to compensate for their dad's shit parenting. It's not fair and it's not nice, but it's what thousands of us do when we've had kids with an arsehole. She can't control how he behaves, beyond a bare minimum, but she can make sure she puts the kids first, it's just what you do.

It’s not about not having them specifically on Christmas Day - it’s that he is meant to have them 21st onwards, and I will have just had them solo for 2 weeks straight plus he isn’t seeing them the weekend before that, so that’s a hell of a run with no break at all. And he was ok with that until just now and he’s now saying he doesn’t want them throughout. He hasn’t specifically said when he wants to send them back, my suspicion will be that it’ll be Christmas night so he can do the Disney dad bit and send them back laden with tech and not see them then until his next “slot” as he charmingly calls it, in January. And that also means he doesn’t have to deal with a birthday in there too. Absolute minimal effort on his part. And will also mean that I can’t travel up to see my rels, nor can I have any time alone with my partner unless he takes some leave before Christmas and I see him then. And means if we want to see each other after Christmas then he has to come to me as I have the kids, who by rights should be with their own father.

I get this. But it is Christmas and the only people who will be punished and learn anything are the children.
I really don’t think it’s the time to take a firm stance about having time away from the children. They will always remember this hurt.

Thankyou. So so so much. Thankyou.

Just jumping on to say wow the responses are savage, some people are harsh and need to get a grip. Taking your kids on holiday for 2 weeks and then letting them stay with their dad sounds reasonable. If christmas isn't your thing fair enough, not everyone needs to be forced to do it and it sounds like dad does more presents and stuff.

Your kids might be a bit guttered if dad tries to return them but that's not on you that's because of him. He has pre agreed to this and needs to stand by his word. If he did take them back to yours and they needed you could you get back to them? It's rubbish, but sometimes we have to pick up the slack for the sake of the kids when the other parent is useless. If that does happen I would ask dad to also drop off presents and Christmas food for kids. And then you could start a tradition for you guys that isn't necessarily Christmasy but something they would remember, games night or something like that.

Hope everything goes to plan and you don't sound like a useless parent some people need to chill a bit 😊

What “it’s Christmas” means is different to everyone. And he might well have them for a couple of days, whoopy do. But I need a longer break.

Huge massive thank you. So so much.

I can’t believe so many of the PPs are so bedazzled by “It’s Christmassssss” that they overlook the facts.

But Christmas is a special time and so are birthdays - OP will be missing both.

And that’s fair enough if she hates Christmas and doesn’t want to see anyone but she’s instead spending it with her boyfriend and his kids - what does that say to her kids.

The ex sounds like a twat but in the middle of these childish games are children whose going to have really shit memories of Christmas because their parents were too busy using them as weapons.

Their dad should step up more, absolutely.

But most parents want to see their kids and let them have a good time at Christmas or their birthday, even if they hate it themselves.

but she’s instead spending it with her boyfriend and his kids

read the fucking thread. Please.

He's being an arse.
Your kids know you love them. The holiday will be fab and Something to remember.
Christmas is one day, it's really not a big deal. Just commercial bs, which it sounds like their dad buys into, so they will also love that. If your ex really wants to drop them to you he can drive to wherever you are. I think he's just being a controlling arsewipe. Call his bluff. The kids will be fine x