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Original poster

What happens to all the mean girls

354 replies

RedPanda901 · 09/10/2022 14:35

My daughter was talking about the mean girls in her school and it made me ask what she meant. I mean I knew what she meant but wondered what her experience of it was. In her words: they are dismissive of the girls they don't like; talk down to other girls; laugh and bully them to make others do what they want.

Just out of interest…
Are you a mean girl? Were you a mean girl? What made you change?

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2022 10:43

The mean girl I heard about who was bitchy to another new girl - because of new girl being poor/council house etc - the mean girl was from the loveliest part of town, parents had good jobs and lived in a very nice house.

This mean girl mostly because of her job or old job is still held in some esteem by other school friends but after hearing (didn't see it first hand) how she was deliberately nasty to the new girl I'd struggle to be nice to her if I saw her. The only thing I can think of is the new girl was pretty and the mean girl was a bit plain. But despicable behaviour to have a go at and bully someone, especially a newcomer, because they're poor and you're not.

ReneBumsWombats · 10/10/2022 10:43

pawkins · 10/10/2022 10:37

This is trotted out a lot.
My DC is being bullied and as much as anybody who doesn’t live in the house can tell, the bully is a privileged, spoilt, rich child who also happens to be a bully.

Privileged and rich families can be abusive and shit and deserving of intervention. Ask me how I know.

It's not an excuse to be a bully, of course. Lots of people have shit upbringings and aren't abusive or bullies because of it. Still, it shouldn't surprise us that nasty people spring from nasty environments.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2022 10:47

I also had this with the mean girl who moved with me to my school. Her parents were rich, owned a trendy shop in London and she had everything she wanted and more. Actually, she was a bit overweight which I don't think she liked. She used to tease/bully me for not having e.g. an answerphone. Said mean girl you'd always see her at parties but she'd have to look better than someone else in the same outfit or have a better time. I do think it was a big shock to her when she left school, started working, to realise that men couldn't be controlled, and also new friends/people she came across couldn't be bullied. The funniest (well not really) part of it, was approx 2-3 years ago she was called out and named and shamed (with photos) for something her teenage DD had done by someone adult she knew. You couldn't help thinking that years later she had a taste of her own medicine.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2022 10:48

ReneBumsWombats · 10/10/2022 10:43

Privileged and rich families can be abusive and shit and deserving of intervention. Ask me how I know.

It's not an excuse to be a bully, of course. Lots of people have shit upbringings and aren't abusive or bullies because of it. Still, it shouldn't surprise us that nasty people spring from nasty environments.

Show quote history

I agree that in some cases if you're privileged and rich, then yes, they can definitely be abusive and it's glossed over.

Friend of mine used to be a child psychologist working with rich families in London.

Ihatemyroad · 10/10/2022 10:49

pawkins. I agree!

Both my daughters have horrible girls in their classes (yr 1 and yr 2) and both come from affluent families, both parents present, big houses! It’s not true that all bullies are victims themselves living in poverty with crap parents. Growing up I found the bullies always came from ‘good’ backgrounds, it was the poor and disadvantaged children that were being bullied because the ‘better off’ bullies considered them worthless!

linguinegreen · 10/10/2022 10:58

Hjgfer · 09/10/2022 14:57

I have a mean ‘girl’ that lives opposite me. She’s almost 50.

She comes across as though she’s dyslexic and has ADHD and I’m under the impression her parents made sure she knew she was a disappointed to them.

She goes around trying to talk herself up and she tries to pull others down to make them feel as unhappy as she is. If you spoke to her she’s a company director, 4 bed family house etc. The funny thing is they’re classed as the poor family of the street.

I can’t see her changing as I don’t believe she has the confidence to address her issues.

The irony, if you don't mind me pointing it out. You sound rather mean in your comments yourself.

And how does someone come across as being adhd and having dyslexia? @Hjgfer

hownice · 10/10/2022 10:59

I think mean girls and bullies tend to come from families who are also mean and bullies. They get taught that, to think like that. Normal people help navigate their kids with kindness and compassion but mean parents create mean kids which has been mentioned many times on this thread. Mean parents bring up kids to think like them, to see the world from their eyes. These kids hear all the drama and gossip and looking down on people in their own homes. They are exposed to that from the moment they are conceived.

Sophie89j · 10/10/2022 11:07

I was neither a mean girl or a victim, I used to get on with all and the few times the mean girls attempted to bully me they soon stopped as I always had a voice of my own and stood up for the victims. In my experience, all the mean girls from my secondary ended up with several children by different fathers and on benefits. Some of the well off ones did better and now have plastic surgery and their own businesses but I wouldn’t say they’re happy if they’re off having plastic surgery.

ashragan · 10/10/2022 11:10

I don't think there's a definitive answer. In my own experience they're from different backgrounds, with different life outcomes, but they're nearly always insecure.

Some change, probably, but others must become the sort of awful adults you have the misfortune to sometimes have to encounter.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/10/2022 11:11

The one interesting, and sometimes laughably ironic thing to come out of this thread, is that perceptions as to who is aggressor and who is target are by no means clear-cut.

beachcomber70 · 10/10/2022 11:11

A few are on Gransnet.

Shelby1981 · 10/10/2022 11:19

They become the mean bitchy mums at school. Their kids become bullies, which they completely ignore, whilst complaining loudly at the slightest perceived injustice 🙄

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/10/2022 11:36

Because the word 'bitch' isn't at all a nasty, unpleasant, misogynistic slur, is it?

Some of the people posting on this thread and elsewhere, who use this kind of language about women, might want to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask themselves why they're engaging in behaviour they profess to despise so much in others.

There was a thread the other day referring to six-year-old children as, and I quote, 'horrible little cows'.

Girls. But of course.

ReneBumsWombats · 10/10/2022 11:56

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/10/2022 11:11

The one interesting, and sometimes laughably ironic thing to come out of this thread, is that perceptions as to who is aggressor and who is target are by no means clear-cut.

Yes, this is true as well.

reigatecastle · 10/10/2022 11:57

There was one girl at my school who was a complete cow; she left after a couple of years (not sure if the parents split up) but her slightly older sister, who was a cow as well, stayed.

Anyway, it seems that their mother died a few years ago of cancer and did not get the medication she could have had under NICE guidelines. The younger sister has made it her mission to make sure that doesn't happen for other cancer sufferers, and helps them to access the treatment they are entitled to. I have to admire her for what she has done and it's possible she has helped people who use this forum.

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 10/10/2022 12:19

Most of them came over to mumsnet. Specifically AIBU

linguinegreen · 10/10/2022 12:19

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/10/2022 11:11

The one interesting, and sometimes laughably ironic thing to come out of this thread, is that perceptions as to who is aggressor and who is target are by no means clear-cut.

Isn't it. I spotted one in the first few posts.

It's a worry really, the self unawareness.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2022 12:26

hownice · 10/10/2022 10:59

I think mean girls and bullies tend to come from families who are also mean and bullies. They get taught that, to think like that. Normal people help navigate their kids with kindness and compassion but mean parents create mean kids which has been mentioned many times on this thread. Mean parents bring up kids to think like them, to see the world from their eyes. These kids hear all the drama and gossip and looking down on people in their own homes. They are exposed to that from the moment they are conceived.

Don't you think that mean girls/bullies also tend to look around/see from their behaviour that this isn't normal?

The mean girl I posted about who was mean because she was well off and was nasty to someone poorer, I don't think (met her parents) her family were mean and bullies. I just think she liked to look down on others and from my recollection of her, not that this should mean anything she wasn't overly attractive, more plain. But not unattractive.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 10/10/2022 13:24

IMHE, much like the rest of us, they end up with all sorts of different lives and varying degrees of success/happiness, but I only see it if they happen to crawl onto my FB feed TBH, I don’t go looking as I couldn’t give much of a shit!

What they did for me means I have ended up very successful under my own steam, so, thanks to them I have the resilience to do well in life now and am exceptionally happy with my lot… 🤷‍♀️

hownice · 10/10/2022 13:30

@GonnaGetGoingReturns true but it still boils down to what they see and learn or the fact they are not corrected by their parents. For instance I teach my own not to be like that. My ex bf was an abusive bullying person. My ex's father was also the same who would talk down on waiters and abuse his wife (ex bf's mother). The extremely wealthy ones live in a cliquey environment. They will criticise you for your shoes or bag behind your back. They will even categorise you whether you are born into wealth or an up-starter. Think of a wealthy from birth and a footballers wife like Cristiano Ronaldo's partner. I've heard at the school gates where some mean mother was bitching about another mother who was wearing all her cartier and van cleef jewellery all in one go and comparing her to Georgina (Ronaldo's partner). Coincidentally she did look like Georgina and is very pretty and approachable. The mean mum doing this looks miserable it shows on her face. Ok she is wealthy and have the dream kids and husband but honestly how sad someone must be to give any headspace to be mean to people. I just think that these people have no love in them and live a loveless life which is sad and I think to answer to the op's question on what happens to all the mean girls is that they eventually die without being loved.

DelilahBucket · 10/10/2022 13:32

The one I suffered at the hands of throughout school went on to be a psychologist. Weird choice of career for a bully I thought, but maybe she changed 😂. Don't know where she's at now though and can't really say I care.

Catonamountain · 10/10/2022 13:34

I SO want to type both of their names on here omg I so do...

hownice · 10/10/2022 13:34

Oh and also there are far more nicer people than mean people. Even the mean people who hang around with other mean people really don't like each other, so in the end they are actually all alone and sad. My grandmother was mean and she had no one by her side during her death. My nan on the other hand was super nice and she had everyone by her side.

Vecnussy · 10/10/2022 13:34

I'm pretty sure the mean girls who threw glass bottles of beer at me because I dared to go to a party I was invited to, weren't doing it because they had personal trauma. I knew these girls. I knew their families, good respectable families with other siblings who were nice. We had grown up in the same villages our whole lives. One of them had been my childhood best friend. They were mean because they were bullies. And bullies target those they perceive to be weak. In my case I was shy, autistic, slightly different with an alternative set of friends. I wasn't poorer than them and I wasn't a bully to them or to others. It's a cop out to say they were bullies because someone else was bullying them. And it totally dismisses the behaviour and the experiences that I've have had!

LondonWolf · 10/10/2022 13:42

DelilahBucket · 10/10/2022 13:32

The one I suffered at the hands of throughout school went on to be a psychologist. Weird choice of career for a bully I thought, but maybe she changed 😂. Don't know where she's at now though and can't really say I care.

One of the most coldly narcissistic people I ever met was a psychiatrist of many years standing.