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Original poster

I can't get hold of my elderly dad

155 replies

EveryLeafSpeaksBlissToMe · 25/09/2022 07:27

I live 4 hours away from my dad. He is 85 and lives alone. He is very fit and healthy for his age, and I don't have any health worries about him.

However, I have not been able to get hold of him for 2 days. We usually check in with each other every day, and I have called him loads of times, with no answer. My siblings haven't heard from him either. Unfortunately I don't know his neighbours so can't call anyone to go look.

I have to work today and tomorrow, and it is not something I can throw a sickie at easily. Of course, if I have not heard from him by the end of the day I am going up there.

Any suggestions? I am worried he has had a fall down the stairs or been in an accident.

OP posts:
InThatCaseCanIHaveARaise · 25/09/2022 11:23

Trinidading3 · 25/09/2022 10:36

I would google the local shops and phone them explain the situation is and I am sure someone can pop by for you , otherwise send an Uber to check or the local church .... otherwise just go and before you leave make sure you have direct neighbours contact details for future good luck I am sure he is in ok ...local hospital community people can check also ...but truely the police will go straight around buzz them that's what you pay your taxes for......

The police will go straight round if they have an officer available at the time of the call. It would depend on what else was happening in the area. Also, be prepared for a boarded up front door when the neighbours aren’t sure when they last saw your relative and because they’re out there’s no answer so they bash the door in. I await the MN post “Police left my elderly parent’s door like this” with a picture of the makeshift mdf door.

Anonymouseposter · 25/09/2022 11:24

Have a chat with your brothers, especially if they live nearer. My Mum lived until she was 96. I lived 100miles away, my brother lived 5 miles from her. Being a man didn’t stop him from checking on her and being there in an emergency. I also did things to help her but we managed to work together. This has just been a heads up to put things in place.

FuchsAndMöhr · 25/09/2022 11:40

Glad he’s ok OP!

The poster advising that ringing the police is the wrong thing - people handing out such ridiculous and dangerous advice shouldn’t be allowed the WiFi password!!

Regarding the welfare check, we had a similar incident with a neighbour just last week and the 101 number wouldn’t attend. They told us it was a 999 situation and to call an ambulance (we knew the resident was in the house, which was in darkness, but weren’t responding). After 90 minutes we resolved the situation ourselves (all was ok thankfully) and no emergency service had attended!!

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FuchsAndMöhr · 25/09/2022 11:41

Glad he’s ok OP!

The poster advising that ringing the police is the wrong thing - people handing out such ridiculous and dangerous advice shouldn’t be allowed the WiFi password!!

Regarding the welfare check, we had a similar incident with a neighbour just last week and the 101 number wouldn’t attend. They told us it was a 999 situation and to call an ambulance (we knew the resident was in the house which was in darkness but weren’t responding). After 90 minutes we resolved the situation ourselves (all was ok thankfully) and no emergency service had attended!!

Mostmarriedcouple · 25/09/2022 11:47

For goodness sake. GO AND CHECK. Your work would replace you in a split second if you died. Don’t be so ridiculous putting that above your dad who is potentially on the floor shivering.

WeAllHaveWings · 25/09/2022 11:48

It is not unusual to take something happening to suddenly come to the realisation your parent is actually elderly now 😟, living alone and things should be put in place to gain access to their home for an emergency or welfare check.

We were lived reasonably close but still got good quality keysafe mounted outside our parents front door, an alarm system put in (the necklace alarms are only any good if they wear them! 🙄) and swapped phone numbers with all the people around them. The key safes are also good if a GP, HV, police or ambulance need access.

Now, when your dad is still fit and healthy, is the time to sort out things like putting in place a health and financial POA that can be invoked to support him in the way he wants, if it is needed.

GretaVanFleet · 25/09/2022 11:50

WeAllHaveWings · 25/09/2022 11:48

It is not unusual to take something happening to suddenly come to the realisation your parent is actually elderly now 😟, living alone and things should be put in place to gain access to their home for an emergency or welfare check.

We were lived reasonably close but still got good quality keysafe mounted outside our parents front door, an alarm system put in (the necklace alarms are only any good if they wear them! 🙄) and swapped phone numbers with all the people around them. The key safes are also good if a GP, HV, police or ambulance need access.

Now, when your dad is still fit and healthy, is the time to sort out things like putting in place a health and financial POA that can be invoked to support him in the way he wants, if it is needed.

This is very good advice.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 25/09/2022 11:52

I'm glad all is well. He sounds perfectly able to look after himself at the moment so I wouldn't be putting in any movement sensors - what if he went to the pub and came back to full-on alarms? Went to visit someone and forgot/didn't know how to turn it off? But what I would do is get his neighbours' and possibly friends' numbers. In fact I did this with my mum when she was living alone.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 25/09/2022 11:54

movement sensors are good, tracking on mobile phones quite easy

Tawnyowl2 · 25/09/2022 12:32

I have the numbers of my neighbour’s sons in my phone. She is 90 had a fall a while ago which made me realise I needed to be able to contact them if I’m concerned. She has a call alarm now and has fallen again. I visually check outside as I pass morning and evening that all is ‘as it should be’. A few years ago I kept and eye on my Aunty who lived a mile away and my cousin lived three hours away. Maybe location services on his phone at this stage too? He didn’t fall and wasn’t ill he was just out. That should be enough prep for now. Plus talk to your brothers, don’t just excuse them because they are male.

Kezzie200 · 25/09/2022 12:51

Pleased he's OK.

I had the same yesterday. My Dad's been popping out for walks so I hope it was that but it went on...and on...

He doesn't use a mobile only home landline.

Eventually he answered, brightest I've heard him for months. He decided to go to the local footie match (where he played as a younger man( and met some oldies and they watched the match and had a pint!

Glad I kept my calm but I was tossing inside as to what to do.

Bordesleyhills · 25/09/2022 12:56

Really pleased to hear all ok

Novum · 25/09/2022 12:56

Mostmarriedcouple · 25/09/2022 11:47

For goodness sake. GO AND CHECK. Your work would replace you in a split second if you died. Don’t be so ridiculous putting that above your dad who is potentially on the floor shivering.

He made contact two hours before you posted, @Mostmarriedcouple. Perhaps it's not a good idea to accuse someone of being ridiculous without reading all their posts first?

Liila · 25/09/2022 12:56

Glad he's ok. Imo movement sensors are a bit ott at this stage but i would certainly chat to the neighbours, try to get to know them a bit and see if any would be happy to give you their number so they could go and check he's ok in a situation like this. With your Dad's consent obviously.

Mostmarriedcouple · 25/09/2022 13:00

irrelevant to my post that he has made contact now. The fact she asked this was ridiculous. Should I check on my dad that nobody can contact for 2 days?? Or go to work. Weird weird people

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2022 13:04

OnaBegonia · Today 09:08
I do have siblings, but they are men, and unfortunately I am going to have to deal with this myself.

Can none of these men use a phone or drive? They could be pro active whilst you get to work”

perhaps they need to get to work, too?

bit unreasonable expecting others to do what OP is not doing herself. Personally, after two days I’d be calling work and driving to him myself.

Juke1 · 25/09/2022 13:04

Am I the only one who would be really cross with him?!

Lots of good advice on this thread.

Etinoxaurus · 25/09/2022 13:09

Checklist for elderly or vulnerable relatives living far away.
•daily check in- one texts me first thing, the other posts his worldle score
•neighbour’s phone number
•someone local has a key/ keysafe
• both relatives are very involved with their church, I’d call the priest then police for a welfare check if I couldn’t raise them.
Flowers

QualityStreetsmallertin2 · 25/09/2022 13:12

Good news

I too recommend
Power of attorney health & wealth
Will where is it
Key safe attached outside the property & who else has a key
Contact numbers for neighbours
Investigate alarm fall pendant round neck
Investigate Alexander or movement sensor

Goodluck

Somethingneedstochange · 25/09/2022 13:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Popaholic · 25/09/2022 13:27

My mum point blank refused to have an alarm button. I bought her a Doro phone that has an emergency contact button on the back, but she kept setting it off by mistake and most of the time didn’t carry the phone around with her so in the end I gave up on that.

My mum would only consent to a phone by her bed with a speed dial on and same downstairs. And she moved house nearer to me and I saw her often. We texted always at breakfast and at bedtime - very subtly checking in but she was sharp as a tack so she knew what I was up to I suppose.

Key safe on the front of the house is handy, then phone numbers of the neighbours in your mobile. Keep the neighbours sweet with a nice Christmas card and a little gift, it is a godsend knowing someone is keeping an eye out.

@Etinoxaurus posting Wordl score each morning is THE best idea I ever heard for a breakfast time “proof of life”! Brilliant.

Somethingneedstochange · 25/09/2022 13:30

Apologies I commented on the wrong thread. I have requested for it to be deleted.

happinessischocolate · 25/09/2022 13:31

I had a ring camera in my mums lounge, could see through to the front door too. You could put one in your dads hallways. Perfect for checking that parents are up and about without being intrusive.

toastofthetown · 25/09/2022 13:39

If a camera feels too invasive, then the Ring motion detectors won't let you see in, but you can see a full report for if they're triggered regardless of whether the alarm is off. So you've be able to see there's movement in the house, but not have a visual feed.

sueelleker · 25/09/2022 14:46

JuliaDorneys · 25/09/2022 10:31

OP pleased he is safe.

As a family you need a care plan in place.

Telecare is a good start but it needs the names and contact details of two people who live within 15 minutes as a key holder, or a key safe on the wall. This can be neighbours or family or friends.

If you have two or more brothers, then between all of you, come up with a plan as to who will visit your dad firs, if you are worried for him.

You also need to try if possible to create a relationship with his neighbours so they can at least maybe look through his windows if they see things like curtains closed all day, no sign of him out and about, etc.

My mum is much older than your dad and an equal distance from me.
I have a sibling close at hand , but they work full time. My mum has telecare, and she has at least 3 neighbours who keep an eye on her and would call her if they notice anything worrying.

Carelink Plus have a similar set-up; 2 keyholders and a key-safe. If they can't get hold of a keyholder, they call 101 and get paramedics sent out. We had it for my DH. He also had a "trip alarm", which he wore round his neck, and if he fell over it sent an automatic alert to the call centre.