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Original poster

Has anyone settled childcare arrangements formally before birth? Is it normal?

150 replies

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 14:34

My ex has sent me a lawyer letter setting out what he wants regarding contact etc for our unborn baby due next month.

it’s not massively controversial with one day a week at my convenience at first and then later he wants to collect but to re assess at 6 months. but it does set a maintenance figure of 400 which is a a few hundred lower than what I would be entitled to with CMS.

I know I can negotiate this etc or simply say no to the figure outright and go to CMS. But as I am so close to giving birth I am really struggling with dealing with this financially and emotionally. I can’t afford a solicitor but a friend has said don’t sign it in general as I don’t know how I will feel after birth. I just wonder what’s round the corner if I don’t.

can anyone help, is this usual?

OP posts:

LemonSwan · 29/08/2022 14:38

I agree you won’t know how you feel and best to wait.

You don’t know what’s going to happen with feeding or anything else at this stage. And the lower than cms is just insulting.

Original poster

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 14:39

@LemonSwan im worried he will then issue proceedings snd I don’t have the money…

OP posts:

Original poster

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 14:40

Money to get a lawyer I mean

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law

00100001 · 29/08/2022 14:44

One day a week from birth?

No chance.

He needs to come and visit one day a week, or maybe even twice a week, but baby shouldn't be away from you all day for the first few months. He could perhaps take baby for an hour or so, like for a walk or something to nap etc?

00100001 · 29/08/2022 14:45

If dad had baby's best interest, he'd realise that he shouldn't be taking baby away for any length of time in the first few months.

POTC · 29/08/2022 14:49

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 14:39

@LemonSwan im worried he will then issue proceedings snd I don’t have the money…

Please don't let that be the reason you give in to something you're not comfortable with. My dad represented himself at family court when my absent mother wanted custody of my brother and they were really helpful to him because he didn't have anyone there with him while my mum had a very expensive barrister. Dad kept custody.

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 29/08/2022 14:50

If you breastfeed, then you won’t easily be able to be away from your baby for any length of time in the first weeks/months. Of course there are things like expressing etc but that doesn’t always go to plan.

0live · 29/08/2022 14:55

The day after your child is born, put in a claim to CMS. its very easy and you do it online.

About contact - you’d be mad to agree to one day a week right now. You have NO IDEA

how well or otherwise your birth will go
how well you will be
how well baby will be
how you will feed baby
how you will feel about being away from baby for more than an hour
how baby will cope with being away from you for more than an hour

So no, you can’t agree to anything right now. if you feel the need to reply, I’d say that you note all his comments, you are committed to doing what is in baby's best interest and that you will revert to him in due course.

Do NOT tell him when you are in labour. Do NOT tell him when baby is born until you are back home and feeling well enough for visitors.

BEFORE you contact your ex, go out and register baby with

your choice of first names
Your surname

Do all this without any discussion. You are still a person with human rights and you don’t need his permission to do any of this.

Then send him an email saying baby x born on this date Y weight and is well. That you will be back in touch to arrange contact with baby when you are recovered from the birth.

If he come to your house to see the baby, make sure you have a one of your friends or family member in the house with you.

Don’t phone him.
Don’t text him.
Send brief and polite emails so you have a paper trail showing that you are being reasonable. Don’t write anything that you’d mind being read out in court.

toomuchlaundry · 29/08/2022 14:57

Has he provided anything towards the baby?

RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 15:00

Breast feed.

Go to CMS for the rightful amount of money for your joint child

Why?
If he goes to Court he would have to wait until the baby is a year old and so not reliant on milk, to have them for a day.

He can then only visit the baby or have the baby on his own for about 45 minutes in your local area. If he does the former make sure you go out to a public place e.g. cafe, MacDonalds for contact. You need to make it clear he isn't welcome inside your home to prevent future problems.

Children aren't pay per view. So while maintainence is linked to how often he has them over night that isn't what the Court is concerned with.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2022 15:08

Why would you sign something which is clearly entirely for his benefit?

RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 15:09

toomuchlaundry · 29/08/2022 14:57

Has he provided anything towards the baby?

The baby isn't here yet. So he doesn't need to provide anything.

picklemewalnuts · 29/08/2022 15:11

@RedWingBoots if OP provided nothing until the baby 'was here' the first few days would be very difficult! Babies do need supplies and equipment, from birth.
A car seat, for example.
Nappies and clothes.
Bare minimum.

CharlotteRose90 · 29/08/2022 15:14

RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 15:09

The baby isn't here yet. So he doesn't need to provide anything.

Show quote history

No he doesn’t need to provide anything but any decent dad would pay half towards the pram/car seat/furniture etc. He’s a deadbeat dad already.

RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 15:15

Oh and this is completely unreasonable -

.it’s not massively controversial with one day a week at my convenience at first.

Babies don't act to a schedule. So you will be stressed with him turning up for his one day a week visit of many hours.

There as if he saw your joint child 2-3 times per week for about 45 minutes in a cafe in the afternoon it would be less stressful for you and your child would remember who he was.

Oh and you don't want to get into a pattern now of him seeing your joint child every weekend.

RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 15:17

CharlotteRose90 · 29/08/2022 15:14

No he doesn’t need to provide anything but any decent dad would pay half towards the pram/car seat/furniture etc. He’s a deadbeat dad already.

Show quote history

Well the fact he's trying to get the OP to agree to things that aren't in their child's best interests already shows this as he clearly hasn't spoken properly to people who have had babies recently.

bakehimawaytoys · 29/08/2022 15:30

Please do not sign this document. He is a lowlife for even attempting to make you sign it when you are heavily pregnant and vulnerable. You cannot know what is going to work for you and the baby until after you have given birth, and you should absolutely go down the CMS route, you'll need every penny you are entitled to.

I have EBF two babies and the thought of someone taking one of them away from me for a whole day less than a week after I'd given birth makes me break out in a cold sweat! Not everyone will feel like this, but you may well do and that's the point. Don't sign away your rights.

GinIronic · 29/08/2022 15:40

Your ex can pay a solicitor to ask you to agree to hop on one leg every Wednesday - this doesn’t mean to have to comply with the request or respond to it. Concentrate on having your baby and then decide how you feel going forward. There is a lot of good advice on this thread. Good luck.

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 29/08/2022 15:46

What happens if you don’t put him on the birth certificate?

Ansjovis · 29/08/2022 15:56

It's my understanding that the CMS amount is still well below half what it takes to keep a child fed, clothed and warm for a month. Therefore if that is true, him offering you less than CMS amount is an insult. I'm also going to stretch here to say that if he's insulting you in this way before the birth, odds are that whatever you do you're going to have a difficult co-parenting relationship with this man.

The best thing you can do here is to hold your ground. Put in a CMS claim, give baby your surname, go to register baby alone so he's not on the birth certificate. Allow access when it suits you, not when it suits him. You may think that what I'm saying is unfair but what you need to remember here is that you will have just given birth and will be vulnerable, you need to protect yourself and your baby. If you bend over backwards to accommodate this man all that's going to happen is that you will exhaust yourself and in all likelihood he will still make life difficult for you so it will have been for no gain whatsoever.

Istherealight · 29/08/2022 16:00

0live · 29/08/2022 14:55

The day after your child is born, put in a claim to CMS. its very easy and you do it online.

About contact - you’d be mad to agree to one day a week right now. You have NO IDEA

Do NOT tell him when you are in labour. Do NOT tell him when baby is born until you are back home and feeling well enough for visitors.

BEFORE you contact your ex, go out and register baby with

your choice of first names
Your surname

Do all this without any discussion. You are still a person with human rights and you don’t need his permission to do any of this.

Then send him an email saying baby x born on this date Y weight and is well. That you will be back in touch to arrange contact with baby when you are recovered from the birth.

If he come to your house to see the baby, make sure you have a one of your friends or family member in the house with you.

Don’t phone him.
Don’t text him.
Send brief and polite emails so you have a paper trail showing that you are being reasonable. Don’t write anything that you’d mind being read out in court.

@Henriettash it is so important to follow all of this advice

Original poster

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 16:02

fucking hell. I don’t even know how it’s come to this. I am hating it. @POTC it is good to know I could go alone. He does not have a great background tbh, so I know from the off that a court would look dimly on him despite his amazing job. But it’s still scary.

I want him to have access to the baby but just wanted him to be nice about it. I don’t think I should agree to sign anything and if he wants to go to court he can.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 29/08/2022 17:13

Don't think about whether you want him to have access to the baby. All that matters is that your baby has access to him, when the baby needs it. So initially very little.
Eventually the baby will need contact with his dad's family and to know his dad. That's great. That's the way round it is.

RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 17:33

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 29/08/2022 15:46

What happens if you don’t put him on the birth certificate?

She can't put him on the birth certificate unless he comes with her to register the birth. As he's consulted a solicitor that isn't going to happen.

So he will have take legal measures - they aren't complex to get the birth re-registered and be put on later.

However many lazy fathers don't bother and moan about the fact they aren't on their child's birth certificate when it isn't a difficult process.

Celeryfavour · 29/08/2022 17:45

He's sent the letter because it's a vulnerable time for you and he thinks he can take advantage. I would respond with something vague like you're sure you can come to an arrangement which is in the child's best interests when you've recovered from giving birth and your baby has settled into a routine. I wouldn't address the maintenance and just apply for CMS.

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