Has anyone settled childcare arrangements formally before birth? Is it normal?

[Henriettash]

My ex has sent me a lawyer letter setting out what he wants regarding contact etc for our unborn baby due next month.

it’s not massively controversial with one day a week at my convenience at first and then later he wants to collect but to re assess at 6 months. but it does set a maintenance figure of 400 which is a a few hundred lower than what I would be entitled to with CMS.

I know I can negotiate this etc or simply say no to the figure outright and go to CMS. But as I am so close to giving birth I am really struggling with dealing with this financially and emotionally. I can’t afford a solicitor but a friend has said don’t sign it in general as I don’t know how I will feel after birth. I just wonder what’s round the corner if I don’t.

can anyone help, is this usual?

I can’t imagine how distressing this must be.

Please don’t even consider engaging with him, he doesn’t want to resolve anything, he wants to hurt you.

Focus on your own well-being.

Depending on baby's feeding, it might be impossible to give your ex any alone-time at all at first. If your baby will be breast fed on-demand, it will be difficult to know the exact time. I remember taking my 2months old DC for a longer walk with a family member, feeding the baby beforehand and setting-off for a journey, only for DC to cry with hunger after 15mins and me trying to find somewhere to sit down to BF my hungry DC! What your ex will do in this scenario?
Don't answer to his demands, don't sign anything, you absolutely have no idea how your life will change after the birth.
Good luck with the birth and try to concentrate on yourself and the baby.

He can’t issue proceedings because the baby is not yet born. And even if he did that immediately after birth I am sure a court would view that very dimly.

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing and if you get another letter I wouldn’t even read it. Just store them all up and you can deal with this after birth when you are feeling up to it with the support of your friend. She’s sounds like someone really good for you and has her head screwed on. Ask her to support you in this when the time is right and just forget about it all for now.

And do take PPs advice to register the birth without him.

You said you are worried about protecting yourself vs. Best for babe. As primary caregiver what is best for you is best for babe. 100%. Don’t doubt this.

Please go and get checked out if you are worried about movement. I am sure all is well but the reassurance is good and if you explain you are stressed because of partner midwives will maybe be able to signpost you to additional support.

You don't need this stress before giving birth I would block him, when the baby is born co tact him and let him know and give him a time to come and meet baby have someone with you for support.
Register the birth without him and put in a claim for csa.
He needs to spend time with baby but that should be whats best for baby and you at the minute so he should see baby with you present, if you want to breastfeed baby it can take a long time to establish a routine and baby will need to be near you at all times.
He does have rights/responsibilities as a father but they should be in the babies best interests not his.
Try not to let him stress you out and enjoy the last bit of pregnancy and your first few days weeks as a mum.

I've been through scarily similar.

Do not sign anything. You can completely ignore it if you wish to.

Do not tell him when the baby's born until a few days after. I told him I was in labour and he hounded me, thej burst into my home as soon as I got back. I didn't allow him any time away from my home with the baby until 6 months. He's threatened court, almost weekly. Its still not happened. Its a control thing.

Ignore and focus on baby coming. Put in a cms claim ASAP. Look.after yourself, its the most awful time during what should be magical. I hate these men.

@Henriettash, this guy sounds horrendous and I'm so sorry you've got all of his demands to deal with at this stage in your pregnancy.

Just to echo what other posters have said really: ignore him for now, please take care of yourself, your health and wellbeing and baby's is the most important thing. After the birth make sure you register baby with your chosen names and your surname and then go through CMS for maintenance.

@Henriettash it's not the done things as essentially unless you put the Dad's name on the birth certificate he has no PR and no right to contact unless he gains PR.

You can represent yourself in court and no court would take an order for an unborn child.

This is because until he is on the birth certificate he has no Parental Responsibility (PR) and without that he has no rights.

He would have to go to court to gain these rights the court would ask you why? you didn't put his name on there and in that instance you can say
because he starting sending me solicitors letters at 8 months pregnant when I was very emotional and vulnerable and he wanted to take the baby away from me one day a week from birth. I was willing for him to visit but not take my baby away straight away. Also mention that he tried to underpay maintenance and that you always intended for him to have a relationship with his child but you felt threatened and vulnerable x

Thanks so much for the support I am feeling so low tonight. I really appreciate it. I just can’t believe a man can be so awful. Our relationship broke down and it wasn’t nice but he never needed to do this to me. I am a good person and he knows that. I’m so sad

I am torn between wanting to protect myself and wanting what is best for the baby. I am so so upset.

Protecting yourself is in the best interests of your child. There is no conflict there.

Do you realise you have all of MumsNet saying the same thing here??? Your ex is a wanker, what he wants isn’t in the best interests of your child, and no court in the land would approve it! If he wants to waste his money on solicitors, let him. (Incidentally, if you reply to the solictor’s letter, he gets charged for them reading and dealing with it. Just saying…)

Here is what I think you should do. It is pretty much what everyone else has said.

1. If the baby has reduced movements, get it checked out NOW!
2. Decide if you want to ignore the solicitor’s letter (which you absolutely can do) or if you want to screw with your ex and respond (in which case, your response should be: Dear Solicitor, I confirm receipt of your letter dated **. As the baby has not yet been born, it would not be appropriate to finalize arrangements at this stage but I am sure that your client and I can come to a suitable agreement regarding parenting our child. Please advise whether I should contact you or your client directly after the child’s birth. Yours sincerely,…
3. Don’t contact your ex directly. Not even about being on the birth certificate.
4. After the baby has arrived, contact your ex and/or his solicitor to confirm that baby was born on * at * hospital.
5. Make the appointment to register the baby’s birth. Do NOT tell your ex in advance. Give the baby your choice of first and last name. This will make your life so much easier!!! I cannot stress that enough. If you doubt me, read other threads on the subject! Tell your ex that the baby’s birth has been registered but, unfortunately (sarcasm alert), you couldn’t add his name because you are not married. But there are forms he can download and fill out and submit if he wants his name added. Of course, you would be happy to co-sign these documents for him.
6. Start a CMS claim. He is already low balling you with his current offer according to your OP. Don’t negotiate. It isn’t worth the effort. Start the CMS claim (can always be dropped later).
7. Invite your ex to see the baby according to best practice. Best practice is currently considered to be little and often at first and building up to more. Ideally, that means 45+ minutes a day or every other day. Could you handle that? Bear in mind, it is likely to be awkward for him to do that if you aren’t living together and therefore he probably can’t do it every day…which won’t look good if it goes to court. FYI - overnights are generally not recommended until a child is 2 or 3 years old. And no court will ever agree to separating a breast feeding child from its mother, even for a day. You will need to be present or close by for all contact.

There is a very good chance your ex will lose interest if you don’t fight him and agree with him (albeit on your own terms which happen to be in the best interests of your child). If he wants more, then he can go to court. And lose.

@DifficultBloodyWoman hi

@DifficultBloodyWoman oops. I can’t sleep I’m so stressed.

I don’t want to push him away for the baby’s sake but I can’t believe he would do this. I honestly despise him.

he lives 35 miles away and lots of lanes so it’s not an easy journey. I can’t imagine what he has in mind with contact and it makes me suspect if he even does want contact at all, or just wants some control. He is quite a selfish man with his time and him travelling that far regularly seems incomprehensible to me but I suppose maybe he would… he’s not shown any interest in my pregnancy whatsoever so why now??

In that case, @Henriettash, the advice I gave in my previous post (and that everyone else has given) is spot on.

What people have said is not ‘pushing him away’. It is protecting you whilst also giving him enough rope to hang himself.

In my ever so humble opinion, it is isn’t worth trying to actively push a control freak away. By definition, they want to control you and that means having an impact or effect on your behaviour. So ignore what they want, set the rules and boundaries and do not under any circumstances deviate the,. Control freaks get bored. He will move on to something else soon enough. You just need to stay strong until then, for your sake and for your child’s.

@DifficultBloodyWoman i just don’t understand why he’s suddenly asking this now? I’ve not heard from him even when I asked if he wanted to be at the birth

Because he is a controlling asshole who wants to play head games with you to maintain the upper hand.

We’ve all dated idiots. Live, learn, move on. You’ll have more experience in your next relationship, and different standards.

I just want him out of my life tbh. I can’t believe what an awful person he is. Weirdly I feel properly detached from him now snd if he loses interest I wouldn’t care, whereas I was keen for him to know dc before

You are not going to be able to rationalise this. It is nothing you have done or that you can fix; this is all on him.

Try to focus on your own well-being and preparing for your lovely baby.

@ParsleyPesto he has caused so much stress. 45yo and his longest relationship was me (3 years), I should have bloody known

I agree with ops.
Do not sign anything, ignore any correspondence from his solicitor.
Register the baby in your name.
Set up an email to discuss access and be careful what you write, it'll be used against you if you're unreasonable.
Breast feed if you can.
Go to CMS.
It's supposed to be in the best interests of the baby not the father, you will be the caregiver so it's not in the best interests of the baby to be removed from its mother.
I'd totally ignore him until the baby is here.
Do not sign anything.
There's some really good advice on this thread, follow it ❤️

Hope you managed to get back to sleep OP, and the baby is moving normally again - if not take yourself to get checked out today!

I am not going to to repeat the excellent advice upthread, but just wanted to add that you should make a plan to properly look yourself today and take your mind off everything - plan a lovely bath after work and watch a funny romcom or something.

Your ex sounds awful but on the plus side, it also sounds like he is getting bad advice and is not clued up at - he cannot bully, abuse or control you with demands, if you know more than him about the system. You can play your greater knowledge to your advantage. The huge wisdom of MN can help you as sadly the women here have seen all shades of abuse from their ex's.

Yours clearly hasnt got a clue what it is like looking after a baby, much less a newborn.

When you are ready to let him meet the child, see if you can arrange someone else to be with you - your mum or a friend - and/or meet in a public place rather than at home.

@DifficultBloodyWoman i just don’t understand why he’s suddenly asking this now? I’ve not heard from him even when I asked if he wanted to be at the birth

With you saying that, plus the thing about him being 45 and you being his longest relationship at 3 years, and the way the whole thing has been done, I would just ignore the whole thing for now. Him having such little interest and getting some solicitor to write this letter for him - and the ‘terms’ being so utterly clueless (I’m not sure now to what extent this is all controlling and vindictive as I originally thought, I’m swaying more towards down right thick and being genuinely clueless about babies or how co-parenting works in the real world… his solicitor is probably equally stupid on this front so it’s the blind leading the blind) it sounds like you’re just some kind of afterthought or minor action on his to do list. Sounds like minimal effort being made by him so far - if you make things only slightly difficult for him, for example by not responding, I think there’s a good chance this will blow over. He will be an absent father - and in your case I’m sure it will be a positive thing.

I went through something similar 15 years ago when my DC was born.

I honestly thought I would have a heart attack with the stress and was genuinely concerned with my overall mental health.

Everything was so much clearer once the baby was born. Try and put him out of your mind for now and concentrate on yourself and the baby.

As others have said, tell him after the event and as for "putting him on the birth certificate" - you cant. You aren't married ao you go and use YOUR name. It's not worth trying to stop him getting PR as that's the minimum he will get but you don't have to actively facilitate it.

One day a week is FAR too much. Ideally one hour a few times a week until the baby is a good bit older. If you can bear it, it might be a good suggestion to offer for him to do bathtime once a week at your place.

Breastfeed. Even if you don't.

Get the financial stuff sorted separately. Apply properly.

It will be ok. The minute your baby arrives you will feel so much clearer.

15 years on and it's been up and down with my DCs dad but we've got there. I'm counting down the days till I'm free of him!

In your shoes I would…
*email him stating you will not be communicating with him during pregnancy but will inform him of the birth when it happens and that you will be in contact after the baby is born about contact. I’d also state that You intend for CS payments to be arrange through CSA and to be kept separate from contact arrangements (he’s trying a cheeky one there).
*I would start collating any evidence or information you might want to use if he goes to court (eg any texts/emails that are rude/aggressive/controlling etc).
*if you are concerned about him being controlling I would t put his name on the Birth certificate. That won’t stop him being able to have contact but it will mean it won’t be so easy for him to do something like refuse to return the baby after contact etc
*try to identify a person/people who could act as a go between for contact. Eg take baby from you to him for a short contact etc. so you can start with as little contact as possible between you and him.

There are some websites that offer advice about things like child arrangement orders and have phone lines for basic advice.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow @BackT @HeartofTeFiti He hadn’t set out he wants any contact at all though, he’s been v v vague and just said with clarity he wants to be on the birth certificate and notified of birth. I’ve just assumed he wants contact with the reference to ‘sorting care and finance arrangements.’ ??? Would you assume thay means he wants contact?

I feel really mentally unwell and agree with the poster who said try and calm down today. I feel permanently sick and worried and stress and barely eating. I will never forgive him

do you think the baby will be harmed? That’s adding to my stress

The baby won't be harmed. I know it's hard to focus on the good right now but once you have that baby in your arms it will be ok.

Relax and be kind to yourself.