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Original poster

Has anyone settled childcare arrangements formally before birth? Is it normal?

150 replies

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 14:34

My ex has sent me a lawyer letter setting out what he wants regarding contact etc for our unborn baby due next month.

it’s not massively controversial with one day a week at my convenience at first and then later he wants to collect but to re assess at 6 months. but it does set a maintenance figure of 400 which is a a few hundred lower than what I would be entitled to with CMS.

I know I can negotiate this etc or simply say no to the figure outright and go to CMS. But as I am so close to giving birth I am really struggling with dealing with this financially and emotionally. I can’t afford a solicitor but a friend has said don’t sign it in general as I don’t know how I will feel after birth. I just wonder what’s round the corner if I don’t.

can anyone help, is this usual?

OP posts:
0live · 30/08/2022 09:58

PMAmostofthetime · 29/08/2022 22:50

This is because until he is on the birth certificate he has no Parental Responsibility (PR) and without that he has no rights.

He would have to go to court to gain these rights the court would ask you why? you didn't put his name on there and in that instance you can say
because he starting sending me solicitors letters at 8 months pregnant when I was very emotional and vulnerable and he wanted to take the baby away from me one day a week from birth. I was willing for him to visit but not take my baby away straight away. Also mention that he tried to underpay maintenance and that you always intended for him to have a relationship with his child but you felt threatened and vulnerable x

Show quote history

The court will not ask him why she didn’t out his name on the BC because that would be impossible for her to do, unless they are married and she has a copy of their marriage certificate .

You can’t just go along and name any random man as your baby’s father . Otherwise you’d get women putting Prince Harry or Brad Pitt.

Please stop making the OP feel that she has to justify everything she does to either him or a court.

He has NO RIGHTS to be at the birth, chose the baby’s first or surname or insist on anything right now.

That is all the OPs choice.

Once baby is here, he has legal rights he can try to exercise in terms of establishing paternity and getting contact with the child. I suspect like most deadbeat fathers that he won’t be bothered. It’s all about status and naming and probably duck all to do with actually parenting the child. He doesn’t even want to pay the CMS Legal minimum - what a loser!

LadyDanburysHat · 30/08/2022 09:59

0live · 29/08/2022 14:55

The day after your child is born, put in a claim to CMS. its very easy and you do it online.

About contact - you’d be mad to agree to one day a week right now. You have NO IDEA

how well or otherwise your birth will go
how well you will be
how well baby will be
how you will feed baby
how you will feel about being away from baby for more than an hour
how baby will cope with being away from you for more than an hour

So no, you can’t agree to anything right now. if you feel the need to reply, I’d say that you note all his comments, you are committed to doing what is in baby's best interest and that you will revert to him in due course.

Do NOT tell him when you are in labour. Do NOT tell him when baby is born until you are back home and feeling well enough for visitors.

BEFORE you contact your ex, go out and register baby with

your choice of first names
Your surname

Do all this without any discussion. You are still a person with human rights and you don’t need his permission to do any of this.

Then send him an email saying baby x born on this date Y weight and is well. That you will be back in touch to arrange contact with baby when you are recovered from the birth.

If he come to your house to see the baby, make sure you have a one of your friends or family member in the house with you.

Don’t phone him.
Don’t text him.
Send brief and polite emails so you have a paper trail showing that you are being reasonable. Don’t write anything that you’d mind being read out in court.

Someone has already said that this is the best advice, and I just want to add again to follow this. Don't worry about upsetting him, he does not care about you. And what is best for your baby is to have you, especially in the early days. There is time for him to bond with the baby, and it does not need to be as soon as they are born.

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 10:01

Why can't he be at the birth?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law
0live · 30/08/2022 10:10

Henriettash · 30/08/2022 09:51

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow @BackT @HeartofTeFiti He hadn’t set out he wants any contact at all though, he’s been v v vague and just said with clarity he wants to be on the birth certificate and notified of birth. I’ve just assumed he wants contact with the reference to ‘sorting care and finance arrangements.’ ??? Would you assume thay means he wants contact?

I feel really mentally unwell and agree with the poster who said try and calm down today. I feel permanently sick and worried and stress and barely eating. I will never forgive him

do you think the baby will be harmed? That’s adding to my stress

Please try to stay calm. Baby won’t be harmed - remember women give birth in prison / during air raids / in the middle of floods / other stressful circumstances and the babies are fine.

Its you who will suffer from all this worry. have you told your midwife how stressed you are?

You don’t have to do ANYTHING about your ex right now, just ignore the letter. Have you blocked him on platforms except email? If not then do so now.

Make plans for your birth. WITHOUT him.

Do you have a female friend or relative who will be your birth partner ( ideally someone calm who has given birth herself ) ? If not , ask someone you trust now.

Have you bought the essentials, such as some baby grows, nappies , a car seat and somewhere for baby to sleep ? If not then do so.

Have you chosen names for baby?

You need to make all your plans for yourself without any reference to him whatsoever. DO WHAT YOU WANT, it’s not about him, it’s about YOU and BABY.

Baby won’t care about anyone except you - they are programmed to bond with you first, that’s how they work. All baby wants is to eat, sleep, be comfortable and be near you.

Amd it’s your job to care for baby and for yourself . Your ex wants are no longer your concern.

You are getting all worked up trying to work out what he wants and why he wants it. You need to let that all go. You can’t make him into someone he is not by trying to pander to him.

I know it’s hard. in your head you had imagined this cute little ideal family . You need to accept that’s not going to happen. You will be a single mum ( like me and half the other women on MN) and you are going to be great !

RedWingBoots · 30/08/2022 10:18

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 10:01

Why can't he be at the birth?

The OP is the patient until the baby is fully born.

So if the OP doesn't want anyone there for a procedure on her it is her choice.

Also it is up to the OP who turns up to visit her while in hospital. Most women only spend 24-36 hours in hospital anyway. Those who spend longer tend to have medical issues where having unsupportive visitors would be inappropriate.

While the mother has automatical parental responsibility, the father if not married to the mother doesn't gain it until he is proven to be and registered as the father.

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 10:22

@RedWingBoots ah ok

Goldbar · 30/08/2022 10:23

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 10:01

Why can't he be at the birth?

Because women don't lose their rights to privacy and autonomy over their bodies just because they're pregnant or in childbirth and giving birth isn't a spectator sport 🙄.

Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 10:28

He doesn’t want to be at the birth

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 10:29

I have responded to say I am not willing to talk via solicitors at this stage in pregnancy and if he wants to talk amicably and respectfully about any of his wishes then we can do that via email

i wanted to be reasonable but also remove myself from this hostile letter they have sent

hopefully that’s ok

OP posts:
vroom321 · 30/08/2022 10:29

@Goldbar A bit dramatic. Did you have your child's father at the birth?

RedWingBoots · 30/08/2022 10:31

@DifficultBloodyWoman fathers can get overnights from when the child is one. The fathers I know who got overnights got them at about 14 months if Court action was involved and about 18 months, so later, if there was no Court action.

If the OP "co-operates" after the baby is born by informing the father in a reasonable time frame (after baby is registered), tells him she will not block him being in the birth certificate if he asks, and arranges for him to see the baby in a public place every other day (ensuring it is not just at the weekend) for 45 minutes all in email - then there is not more a Court can do until the child is over one.

RedWingBoots · 30/08/2022 10:36

Henriettash · 30/08/2022 10:29

I have responded to say I am not willing to talk via solicitors at this stage in pregnancy and if he wants to talk amicably and respectfully about any of his wishes then we can do that via email

i wanted to be reasonable but also remove myself from this hostile letter they have sent

hopefully that’s ok

Sort out your email inbox so his emails go to a separate folder. Then don't bother looking at them until after the birth.

If he turns up at your doorstep at any point including after birth, call the police.
He is not allowed to harass you just because you are not answering his emails/messages.

Goldbar · 30/08/2022 10:40

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 10:29

@Goldbar A bit dramatic. Did you have your child's father at the birth?

Completely different situation - the OP does not need a hostile, unsupportive ex-partner gawking at her when she's at her most vulnerable.

Yes, when couples are together, most fathers are present at the birth but this is usually as the mother's birthing partner and to support the mother.

0live · 30/08/2022 10:46

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 10:29

@Goldbar A bit dramatic. Did you have your child's father at the birth?

Stop trying to harass the O and other posters @vroom321 .

If you want to discuss mens rights over womens’ bodies, why don’t you go off and start your own thread about that topic ? This is a support thread for a vulnerable pregnant woman.

Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 10:47

What’s annoyed me is the email suggests I would need to facilitate adding him to the certificate as he doesn’t want to speak to me! So presumably expects me to take a stat declaration or something.

I despise him

OP posts:
vroom321 · 30/08/2022 10:50

Who am I harassing? I read the post where it said not to have the father can't be at the birth. Unless abuse is involved. I was just curious.

Gruffling · 30/08/2022 10:55

Sending you this document at this stage of pregnancy is kind of abusive and not the sort of thing a good father would do.

Good people do not put undue pressure on pregnant women.

Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:06

Also when I initially replied … I said I would consider it all and at the end I said ‘hope he is happy and ok.’

why did I say that???? Does it make me seem weak? I wish I hadn’t responded so nicely initially.

@0live @DifficultBloodyWoman

@GettingItOutThere

@HeartofTeFiti@POTC

OP posts:
KiffiesGalore · 30/08/2022 11:07

Henriettash · 30/08/2022 10:28

He doesn’t want to be at the birth

I think that says a lot in itself about how good a father he will be anyway OP. He would just stress you out and be a pain.

Has he given a reason?

Any reasonable father would want to be at the birth unless there are exceptional circumstances.

The positive side to it is I'm sure that the offer for him to be there and him rejecting it would work in your favour if it did ever go to court.

But I agree with others on here, if he is as controlling as he appears, he will get bored soon enough. Better for everyone all round really.

I'm so sorry he is being like this to you at what should be only an exciting time. Much hugs to you and baba x

Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:10

@KiffiesGalore he isn’t happy at how the relationship ended. It ended badly, he was drinking a lot, phases of silent treatment, I told him what I thought of him!! And since then I text once and emailed once so say look let’s just move on and forgive and forget, asking if he wanted to talk about the relationship or the future apart as co parents. Never heard from him so thought would just put in a claim for CMS. Then three months later this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:11

oh he also had a drink driving charge 2 years ago which he is still banned for and that made me more worried he was still drinking.

he’s such a pompous man though, manages a whole department and has all the credibility

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:13

Oh also two weeks after we broke up I had a bleed, on hospital, updated him and never heard back. I’ve assumed all this time I would never hear from him at all

OP posts:
KiffiesGalore · 30/08/2022 11:17

Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:10

@KiffiesGalore he isn’t happy at how the relationship ended. It ended badly, he was drinking a lot, phases of silent treatment, I told him what I thought of him!! And since then I text once and emailed once so say look let’s just move on and forgive and forget, asking if he wanted to talk about the relationship or the future apart as co parents. Never heard from him so thought would just put in a claim for CMS. Then three months later this.

Well as hard as it may seem, you are best off out of it. His drinking issues will also be in your favour if it goes to court etc.

Just try to get him out of your mind as much a possible. Focus on you and baby.

I don't think that refusing to go to the birth because you broke up/had words with him is a decent excuse to not attend the birth of your child. Any decent man would still go as support if not for you, but for his child.

KiffiesGalore · 30/08/2022 11:19

Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:13

Oh also two weeks after we broke up I had a bleed, on hospital, updated him and never heard back. I’ve assumed all this time I would never hear from him at all

That is unforgivable in my eyes.

He didn't care then to check how you were then. You could have lost the baby if bleeding.

He doesn't care enough to be at the birth.

He will be a crap father by all accounts.

Limit any contact or thinking of him. He does not deserve your tears or time or stress.

Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:23

@KiffiesGalore i know I had to put it out of my mind as it was so awful. I’ve tried not to think about it much. It’s too shocking to me. He is a disgusting man.

OP posts: