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Original poster

Has anyone settled childcare arrangements formally before birth? Is it normal?

150 replies

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 14:34

My ex has sent me a lawyer letter setting out what he wants regarding contact etc for our unborn baby due next month.

it’s not massively controversial with one day a week at my convenience at first and then later he wants to collect but to re assess at 6 months. but it does set a maintenance figure of 400 which is a a few hundred lower than what I would be entitled to with CMS.

I know I can negotiate this etc or simply say no to the figure outright and go to CMS. But as I am so close to giving birth I am really struggling with dealing with this financially and emotionally. I can’t afford a solicitor but a friend has said don’t sign it in general as I don’t know how I will feel after birth. I just wonder what’s round the corner if I don’t.

can anyone help, is this usual?

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:33

I do wonder if I just haven’t come to terms with it as I just feel numb and worried not upset. Almost feel like it’s a nightmare that’s not real.

I could never ever ever treat someone the way he has done

i hope he’s alone for the next batch of years like he was before me

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:35

I bet what he will do next is pay the 40k into his pension to get out of higher maintenance

OP posts:
averageavocado · 30/08/2022 11:51

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 10:29

@Goldbar A bit dramatic. Did you have your child's father at the birth?

I had my DCs father at their births, but then he isnt a complete twatty arsehole like OPs ex

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law
vroom321 · 30/08/2022 11:53

@averageavocado I asked that question before we knew any of that though.

averageavocado · 30/08/2022 11:54

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 11:53

@averageavocado I asked that question before we knew any of that though.

My ex has sent me a lawyer letter setting out what he wants regarding contact etc for our unborn baby due next month.

the first line of the OP - surely that tells you what kind of person he is?

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 11:55

Not really.

averageavocado · 30/08/2022 12:02

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 11:55

Not really.

You posted at 10:01 - there were approx 16 posts by the OP explaining previous to this time - none of them painting him in a good light, and you cant understand why she wouldnt want him at the birth Hmm

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 12:22

I understand why she doesn't want him there. I asked why the poster advised not to have him at the birth only after a couple of posts in. I wouldn't want him there either but that's not enough to not allow it.

Pemba · 30/08/2022 12:24

The father being present at the birth has only been a widespread thing since the seventies. Before that it was considered a bit hippy dippy and unnecessary - the stereotype was the worried father pacing outside, birth was considered a women's thing. My father tells me when my brother was born (mid sixties) he was in the garden, this was a home birth. This was the norm.

Don't get me wrong, it can be a lovely thing if the father is there provided he has a loving relationship with the mother. He can provide a lot of support.

However nowadays there are a significant minority of fathers, with an antagonistic relationship with the mother who use their expected presence at the birth as a method of control over the mother. The mother giving birth is at her most vulnerable, his hostile presence there is not going to help. If she is stressed then the birth is likely to be more difficult. To be honest, the baby is not going to know the difference, and not being at the birth is not going to prevent him developing a relationship with his child.

Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 12:27

I just can’t believe this has happened. He has shown no interest all this time. Even when I was bleeding he didn’t reply. Now he wants me to arrange birth certificate and to notify him of birth? All while telling me he can’t speak to me himself.

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 30/08/2022 12:30

Henriettash · 30/08/2022 11:35

I bet what he will do next is pay the 40k into his pension to get out of higher maintenance

If he is a high earner so earns over the max for CMS take him to Court for maintenance.

There is a legal precedent which means if he deliberately starts putting 40k into his pension every year the contribution will be discounted.

Goldbar · 30/08/2022 12:33

I wouldn't want him there either but that's not enough to not allow it.

Actually it is - it's not only 'enough not to allow it', it's a very good reason.

No one has to have anyone who they're not comfortable with in the room when undergoing a medical procedure. End of.

RedWingBoots · 30/08/2022 12:36

Henriettash · 30/08/2022 12:27

I just can’t believe this has happened. He has shown no interest all this time. Even when I was bleeding he didn’t reply. Now he wants me to arrange birth certificate and to notify him of birth? All while telling me he can’t speak to me himself.

You can't just put him on the birth certificate as you aren't married to him.

He needs to communicate with you and not be abusive so he can be put on it. (He's failed on that part.) He also need to be proactive so he is on it.

He also has no rights in naming your child as only you have automatic parental responsibility. He gets parental responsibility after he is put on the child's birth certificate. The child has to be named to get a birth certificate.

He can easily get parental responsibility afterwards but he needs to be proactive.

BeanieTeen · 30/08/2022 12:37

I understand why she doesn't want him there. I asked why the poster advised not to have him at the birth only after a couple of posts in. I wouldn't want him there either but that's not enough to not allow it.

Well if you’re ever in that situation, crack on and have your ex who you’re on bad terms with there with you while you’re in pain, grunting and moaning with your bloodied hoo haa out on full display. I’m sorry you’d feel obligated to do that but there we are. The OP, like any woman with any ounce of self-love and self-respect, hopefully does not.
I think I’d prefer to have my middle aged male boss with me if I had to make a choice between him and my bitter ex quite frankly.

RedWingBoots · 30/08/2022 12:41

I wouldn't want him there either but that's not enough to not allow it.

Labour can be a serious medical procedure if it goes wrong. A birthing partner needs to advocate for the woman giving birth.

A birthing partner who doesn't get on with the person giving birth will not do that.

My partner had to go and chase medical staff as they wouldn't listen to me. I have heard of woman who are in a relationship with their child's dad, where the partner did not do that so the woman had complications.

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 12:42

It was just a question. I've been answered. I don't have strong feelings either way. Maybe I came across harsh.

RedWingBoots · 30/08/2022 12:47

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 12:42

It was just a question. I've been answered. I don't have strong feelings either way. Maybe I came across harsh.

It has been explained multiple times on the thread that until the baby is born there is only one patient. That patient has a choice in who attends her medical procedure.

Once the baby is born while there are now two patients. However due the OP not being married the father has no parental responsibility and also no rights to be near the baby.

BeanieTeen · 30/08/2022 12:47

Labour can be a serious medical procedure if it goes wrong. A birthing partner needs to advocate for the woman giving birth.

Indeed. Being a birth partner is an important and active job. Not a spectators activity.

averageavocado · 30/08/2022 12:47

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 12:22

I understand why she doesn't want him there. I asked why the poster advised not to have him at the birth only after a couple of posts in. I wouldn't want him there either but that's not enough to not allow it.

no that is enough!

If a woman giving birth doesnt want someone there, then they dont get to be there

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 12:48

I think people need to help the op and not keep going on about my comment.

BeanieTeen · 30/08/2022 12:48

It was just a question. I've been answered. I don't have strong feelings either way. Maybe I came across harsh.

They say there is no such thing as a dumb question, but time and again on MN I find that theory to be proven wrong.

vroom321 · 30/08/2022 12:50

Thanks for that. I've said I didn't mean it harsh. I'm autistic I don't always say things as I mean them.

Qwaszx · 30/08/2022 13:16

I would strongly suggest you set up an email, just for him.keeo all communication in one place / format, it will be so much easier for you if he decides to go to court. Then check it, once a week. Bin day sounds appropriate to me.

Don't give him too much head space. He's gone, concentrate on looking forward to cuddling your baby.

I think he's of the opinion that the contact times and maintenance payments are linked. They are not.

You only have to do 3 things.

  1. Put in a claim for maintenance once the baby's born.
  2. Email him, on your new email, once the baby has arrived _ when you are ready to send an email.
  3. Register the birth without him.

Remember, less is more. Say the bare minimum so he can't twist it.

He won't want the drive several times a week, he won't like paying the full whack and his interest levels will drop sooner than you realise.

Don't let him steal your joy now. Relax, ignore the letter and look forward to the baby.

Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 13:53

Hi - the posts about him being at the birth are really upsetting. Please could they stop @vroom321 @BeanieTeen @averageavocado @RedWingBoots

i know you are trying to be on my side it’s just not something I want to think about hope you understand xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettash · 30/08/2022 13:56

@RedWingBoots i just feel hes painted me in this light when he did so many nasty things in the relationship. I was prepared to move on. He clearly is not and now wants to make demands of me.

OP posts: