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Original poster

Has anyone settled childcare arrangements formally before birth? Is it normal?

150 replies

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 14:34

My ex has sent me a lawyer letter setting out what he wants regarding contact etc for our unborn baby due next month.

it’s not massively controversial with one day a week at my convenience at first and then later he wants to collect but to re assess at 6 months. but it does set a maintenance figure of 400 which is a a few hundred lower than what I would be entitled to with CMS.

I know I can negotiate this etc or simply say no to the figure outright and go to CMS. But as I am so close to giving birth I am really struggling with dealing with this financially and emotionally. I can’t afford a solicitor but a friend has said don’t sign it in general as I don’t know how I will feel after birth. I just wonder what’s round the corner if I don’t.

can anyone help, is this usual?

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 17:45

picklemewalnuts · 29/08/2022 15:11

@RedWingBoots if OP provided nothing until the baby 'was here' the first few days would be very difficult! Babies do need supplies and equipment, from birth.
A car seat, for example.
Nappies and clothes.
Bare minimum.

The fathers I know off who have gone out to buy things - well they never hand over cash- even if they have other children bought shit stuff.

While it's not idea for everything, things can be brought quickly after birth. Many people - actually lots of my family - had babies bigger or smaller than predicted by ultrasound so had to send someone, normally spouse/partner, to get clothes and nappies the right size. The ones with big babies then found they wasted money on things like Moses baskets.

RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 17:52

Celeryfavour · 29/08/2022 17:45

He's sent the letter because it's a vulnerable time for you and he thinks he can take advantage. I would respond with something vague like you're sure you can come to an arrangement which is in the child's best interests when you've recovered from giving birth and your baby has settled into a routine. I wouldn't address the maintenance and just apply for CMS.

I wouldn't include these parts -
"when you've recovered from giving birth and your baby has settled into a routine."
As his solicitor will know babies don't easily settle into a routine.

The OP just needs to say "after the baby is born".

"After" can mean immediately after labour to a few months after. If the OP has an horrendous birth or recovery the it will be reasonable for "after" to be a few months. There as if she is fine it can be a couple of weeks (after the baby is registered).

picklemewalnuts · 29/08/2022 17:59

That's true @RedWingBoots ! Especially with 24hr supermarkets that sell everything. In my day you had to actually go out to shops during opening hours to get prams and car seats.

I had a 9lb first baby who didn't fit in his first babygrows. By the time my second 10lb4oz lad arrived I knew better!

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BeanieTeen · 29/08/2022 18:03

Don’t sign. Why is it his call to start setting out terms? Your baby is a person, not a piece of property that you set out a shared ownership contract for.
As a pp said, what he’s done makes about as much sense as sending you a formal request to stand on one leg once a week. It’s meaningless. None of this is legally binding. But don’t sign anyway though, obviously.
Also as above, claim CMS, register the birth on your own with just your name, that’s that for now. If he wants visitation rights and his name on the certificate he can go through the proper channels i.e. court - or have a proper discussion with you as his child’s mother rather than some kind of estranged business partner. You don’t just send letters via a lawyer pre-birth WTAF 😂 It’s not a bloody corporate transaction. He sounds like he’s on cloud fucking cuckoo land.
I know it’s distressing for you but his ignorance and stupidity around who really holds the cards here is quite funny. Sounds like some kind of big shot who is used to getting his own way with enough money and a personal lawyer. What an arse. I don’t know what’s happened between you but I can tell you are better off alone than with him anyway.

hopeishere · 29/08/2022 18:14

Definitely go through CMS.

I assume things have totally broken down if it's got to this. Do you have any contact with him outside of solicitor's letters?

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 29/08/2022 18:17

Don't be frightened of court, OP. That's what your ex is counting on - that you will so afraid of court you will agree to his frankly scandalous terms. As PP have observed there's a reason he's doing this now when you are vulnerable. Court (if it comes to that) is nothing to be frightened of, they are there to sort things out in the child's best interests (which are not to be away from their mother for a while day every week as a newborn, nor to receive less money than the minimum that CMS would require - not that court usually deals with CMS anyway).

Follow the excellent advice upthread to register your baby yourself, claim CMS as soon as possible and take charge of the situation. Imagine the look on your ex's face when he realises his nasty ploy has failed. I'd also not be alone with him (with or without the baby) - based on what he's shown of himself so far I'd be wary of how he might behave in the future.

ParsleyPesto · 29/08/2022 18:24

I don’t think this is anything to do with paternity, I think your ex is one of those men who abused legal systems as a means of control/further abuse of their ex.

He is trying to show you who’s boss, oh such a tough guy, by arranging for you to be served with his demands.

I would actually hesitate to even answer these demands. Men like this cause years of grief for their ex-partners and children. They don’t want relationships, they want control.

Best case scenario would be not to name him on birth certificate and give it a year or two to see how he behaves.

I know you are rightly thinking of your child, I just can’t help but feel it may be wise to protect your child from this arsehole.

RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 18:26

@BeanieTeen has made an important point.

The baby hasn't been born so isn't legally a child with rights, so he's asking for things for a person who doesn't legally exist.

To put it another way he can't start a Court case against the OP because there is currently no child....

RedWingBoots · 29/08/2022 18:34

@ParsleyPesto she can't name him on the birth certificate unless they are married.

He needs to come with her to register the birth and as they aren't married she needs to make the appointment.

As he's an a-hole he won't be coming with her. So if he wants to be on the birth certificate they will have to re-register the birth later, which will cost him.

Charlotte123456789 · 29/08/2022 18:35

I might have a different perspective on this as my partner’s daughter arrived outside of a relationship and for the past five years it has been a constant struggle, in and out of courts, to agree to regular time with her.

My advice would be to consider mediation and have someone help facilitate a conversation between you both. Speaking through solicitors is emotionally exhausting, causes lots of anxiety, and I don’t believe gets to the right outcome.

The reality is your both responsible for this baby and with that, you need to make decisions together. I don’t know what has driven him to send you a solicitors letter, but I can imagine it wasn’t a nice thing to receive, especially being so far gone in the pregnancy. A mediator can be helpful at this stage as it allows an impartial person to guide you both through decisions that are in the best interest of the child and hopefully equips you with the skills to partner and communicate, rather than have dialogue through the courts.

Happy to pick up by message and share more of our experience if it would help.

Hapoydayz · 29/08/2022 18:38

The fact he has sent you a solicitors letter before the baby is even born shows what an asshole he is. As there are Royal Mail strikes etc act as if you haven’t received anything yet! You are not obliged to reply or sign anything. Register the baby with your surname. It would not be in the baby’s best interest to be away from you for a whole day. He’s thinking of himself pushing for that from week 1.

Original poster
Henriettash · 29/08/2022 19:11

I’m so upset. Reading these replies makes me feel more upset. They are helpful though

i Can’t believe how horrible he is being. I tried to contact him a while ago and he ignored me and now does this at my most vulnerable. I keep crying.

I am torn between wanting to protect myself and wanting what is best for the baby. I am so so upset.

OP posts:
BeanieTeen · 29/08/2022 19:21

I am torn between wanting to protect myself and wanting what is best for the baby.

From what I can see they are both the same thing. Nothing to be torn about.

LadyRoughDiamond · 29/08/2022 19:22

Just focus on yourself at this stage and don’t sign anything. If you find you’re feeling confused or overwhelmed, re-read @0live‘s reply and make sure you follow each step - it’s excellent advice.

Original poster
Henriettash · 29/08/2022 19:31

Just so sad and stressed. Barely felt the baby move today either and I’m so worried.

I just don’t know how to handle any of this at all. He should be speaking to me not putting me through this

OP posts:
Charlotte123456789 · 29/08/2022 19:41

@Henriettash do you feel ready to talk to him? I agree, he should be talking to you directly so if you do feel ready, you could suggest a conversation rather than communicating through solicitors

Original poster
Henriettash · 29/08/2022 19:45

@Charlotte123456789 im confused as the letter says he wants confirmation he will be on the birth certificate before he can enter into wider discussions with me… I just want it all sorted out

OP posts:
Goldbar · 29/08/2022 19:46

I'd just ignore him until the baby comes. When the baby arrives, put in a CMS claim. Notify your ex when you feel ready and offer little and often contact (max 45 minutes, 2-3 times a week might be appropriate) with no overnights.

Mindymomo · 29/08/2022 19:46

I cannot believe a Solicitor would be agreeable to sending this letter. I would reply in 2 weeks saying you will be in touch after the baby is born regarding visits and that you intend putting a claim with CMS once baby is born. If you breastfeed on demand you could be feeding every 2 hours, so there’s no way your ex will be able to have baby for a that amount of time at first and I really doubt any Court would allow this. Take care and try not to worry and focus on your health and the health of your baby. Do as others have said, do not put him on birth certificate. I really cannot see how he can be involved with baby without staying in contact with you.

Original poster
Henriettash · 29/08/2022 19:49

I’m thinking of going back and saying I will discuss these matters with him by email but I will not communicate via solicitors and leave it at that?

OP posts:
Sowingbees · 29/08/2022 19:59

You will be breastfeeding. Doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, you tell everyone you are breastfeeding.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. I'm not into hiding the father but a father that wants the best for his child will fight to be added. Anyone that cba to do that will only cause you difficulties.

Don't sign anything now, you can offer access whilst you are present, this is more than enough for the first few months. I'm married and my perfectly capable dh didn't have baby alone for a day a week until he was weaning.

Charlotte123456789 · 29/08/2022 20:02

@Henriettash if you feel able to communicate by email then I think that’s a good idea. An alternative could be mediation which we’ve used before. Have you given any thought to how you see the early days working? My partner went to his ex’s house a couple of evenings a week to take over bedtime etc and then by about week six he’d take his daughter for a walk for an hour or two. The time gradually built up from here.

BeanieTeen · 29/08/2022 20:02

@Charlotte123456789 im confused as the letter says he wants confirmation he will be on the birth certificate before he can enter into wider discussions with me… I just want it all sorted out

Again, to what end? This guy is bonkers, as I said this isn’t some kind of business contract you’re setting up. You could send ‘confirmation’ by all means, but what value does he think that has? You’re not beholden to it. I think he needs a better solicitor, as a pp said it’s bizarre that one has agreed to write this all up. It has 0 legal value. What’s the point of paying a solicitor to write it up? He might as well have got his window cleaner to write all this up for all the sense it makes and legal standing it has.
I suppose it makes this easier in some ways. Don’t confirm he’s going to be in the certificate, don’t put him on the certificate, end of ‘wider discussions’. That’s that, good riddance. All he needs to do is pay CMS - there doesn’t need to be any kind of wide discussion for that to be set up.

GettingItOutThere · 29/08/2022 20:04

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 19:49

I’m thinking of going back and saying I will discuss these matters with him by email but I will not communicate via solicitors and leave it at that?

listen to the posters on here

do not engage with solicitors futher and DO NOT sign anything

breastfeed/tell him you are

regsiter the birth with your chosen name and YOUR surname (do not negotiate this). do not add him.

once all done, contact your ex - "baby was born x day of x month, you are welcome to see baby at x place for 1 hour and build up contact slowly.

do this and it will protect you and your baby from day 1

stop engaging with a twat who thinks threatening the mother with contact and solicitors while shes pregnant is acceptable -is it not!!

RosieSpark · 29/08/2022 20:12

Henriettash · 29/08/2022 19:31

Just so sad and stressed. Barely felt the baby move today either and I’m so worried.

I just don’t know how to handle any of this at all. He should be speaking to me not putting me through this

@Henriettash please go and get monitored if you are concerned about baby's movements.