Has anyone settled childcare arrangements formally before birth? Is it normal?

[Henriettash]

My ex has sent me a lawyer letter setting out what he wants regarding contact etc for our unborn baby due next month.

it’s not massively controversial with one day a week at my convenience at first and then later he wants to collect but to re assess at 6 months. but it does set a maintenance figure of 400 which is a a few hundred lower than what I would be entitled to with CMS.

I know I can negotiate this etc or simply say no to the figure outright and go to CMS. But as I am so close to giving birth I am really struggling with dealing with this financially and emotionally. I can’t afford a solicitor but a friend has said don’t sign it in general as I don’t know how I will feel after birth. I just wonder what’s round the corner if I don’t.

can anyone help, is this usual?

I worked for CMS years ago, what is his occupation? If it's all legit and he's not self employed then i would ask for maintenance based on the CMS calculator as if you went down the CMS route it's more difficult for him to get of paying. If he's self employed it's easy for to claim he's earning very little

@ladygugu he works in an office so gets a salary. No idea what it is, think it was 88k last time I knew last year. What happens if he says he isn’t the dad, what will they do? I can see him being totally nasty

Amazing advice from @0live

They can do a DNA test I believe.

Yes they will request he does a DNA if he disputes it, if he refuses then they assume he is it father and can legally request the money. Again if he refuses to pay they can order his employer to deduct if from his wages although at this stage many paying parents then pay it to save embarrassment of their employer knowing.

Ah, @Henriettash !

Stop. Breathe.

You don't need to do anything. He has no rights and no connection and is totally irrelevant right now.
Your only priority is you and the baby. Ignore him.
He had lots of opportunities to talk like a grown up and chose not to. You are too busy to talk right now.

When the baby is born, do all the things you need to do- register, apply for CMS etc.

At that point he can try again. Until then, you have no obligation to have anything to do with him.

Just wait and rest.

I’m not coping very well today. I have no support at all. Don’t know how I am going to be ok

I feel so anxious and sad. I wish all of it was over with I am dreading being alone the next few weeks

You will be. You just need to listen to the lovely women on here rather than him. He's full of shit.

Just really hard to see a future. I have no other support at all

Do you have any friends or family that you can chat with?

Please try not to stress too much.

Relax and do something to take your mind off it. If you have energy, tidy up or sort babies room.

Have a nap! You can never have too much sleep when pregnant.

Make some. I had no family and friends around with DD. I gradually found my tribe. Even the godawful baby group filled with arseholes! When I left I took the one nice woman with me. It's very very slow and sad but it is possible, I promise.

Go to every stupid baby thing and find your people.

All this.
Plus, if he wants to go to court, he would have to try mediation first, so you could offer mediation (after you've recovered from the birth) if he continues to push.

Exactly as @Olive has said. Don’t sign anything his lawyer sends you!!!

Try the Peanut app for mums near you 🙂

OP, have you spoken to your midwife about how you're feeling? Having read through your posts, it's clear that you would benefit from some mental health support. You can self-refer or go through midwife or GP.

It might also be worth seeing if Home-Start is active in your area - if you could be allocated a volunteer that would be a big help.

Do you have anyone to support you at the birth? Mum, sister, close friend? If not would you consider a doula?

It seems to me that you need emotional support at this vulnerable time, especially given how he's behaved.

I also wonder if he was emotionally abusive and controlling, as some of what you've said hints towards it, and he certain appears to be trying to exert control now.

The fact is that he has no legal right to attend the birth or insist on being added to the birth certificate (although he could apply to the court to be added). You can apply to CMS as soon as baby is born, and if he disputes paternity it's on him to prove he's not the father (by taking a DNA test and paying for it - he's only be reimbursed if it turned out he wasn't the father). Register the birth without him, suggest mediation if he wants to insist on having parental responsibility and contact.

Rights of Women and Child Law Advice have lots of helpful info on their websites and free help ones. But if I were you I'd focus on emotional support for now and worry about the legal stuff later, if it comes to that.

*free helplines

The baby isn't here yet. But you presumably want your baby to have a father present in his life? So I wouldnt reject anything out of hand but put some options of your own in place I don't agree with not putting both parents name on a birth certificate, it's for your child not you and seeing father unknown when they are known raises questions and can make the mother appear vindictive by not acknowledging the truth.It has no bearing on what a court might order contact wise.

@RedHelenB
Adding him to the birth certificate gives him certain legal rights. It’s not just a nice bit of paper for the child to look at later.

It doesn’t sound like a good idea to add him right now. He can always be added later if it’s necessary.

Honestly I wouldn't put a single moment's effort into getting his name on the BC. Let him do all the running around - if he's even really interested. Let him take you to court if necessary. If the court orders it then so be it. But you may find he can't really be bothered in the end. But until then, don't give that part a second's thought.

But he is the father.

I don't agree with not putting both parents name on a birth certificate, it's for your child not you and seeing father unknown when they are known raises questions and can make the mother appear vindictive by not acknowledging the truth.

@RedHelenB but that’s not the OP’s problem or responsibility. No one is saying his name should forever be a blank, just that it’s not in the OPs interest or the child’s right now or in a months time to invite him with her to a trip to the register office. The only way for him to be added is if they go together and unfortunately he’s made that an impossibly uncomfortable situation that the OP shouldn’t put herself in. He’s unnecessarily burning his bridges there, that’s his fault. Getting himself on the certificate is something that he needs to then sort out for himself and it may not be a simple process but it’s perfectly possible for him to do it - especially if he’s got a solicitor there to advise him and to do all the actual logistical and legal graft for him 🙄 If he can’t be arsed, and it then forever says ‘father unknown’, that will be his fault not the OPs.
She’s got enough on her plate quite frankly.

Don’t sign.
don’t put him on a the birth certificate
stay in hospital for as long as you like
name Your baby with your surname
register the birth alone
put in For CMS as soon as you can from the day you get the birth certificate normally
for the first 6 weeks make no decisions at all

up to a year baby should be with you 24/7
do not see him in your home
see him in a cafe with a third party present eg your mum

the baby needs to bond

it is not pay per view

always go through CMS

I can see why he is an ex - what a total fuckwit

you have carried this baby for 9 months he can fuck off

You have to have the father THERE to put him on the certificate

i wouldn’t want this controlling man anywhere near me

this is not a letter offering support this is a letter saying

1. I want a baby not even a week old for a whole day despite no breasts and not having carried it for 9 months
2. I will pick it up and drop it off
3. I will pay you less then you are entitled - for My own selfish reasons

is he offering to get baby stuff before the baby is born and help the mother

offer a cleaner
offer to get any shopping clothes required etc

how is he proposing to feed the baby

this would have been the sort of thing my ex would have done before he was born if it were him

what sort of man knowing the costs involved is offering less CMS?

She can acknowledge he is the father without putting him on the birth certificate.

I would never say anyone should lie about a child’s parentage, I believe children should know the truth of their parentage. I wouldn’t however be making it easy for someone who clearly doesn’t have the child’s interests at heart to have more legal rights.