How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

I don't think it's justifiable by saying she was supposed to meet them. The exam finished ahead of time and the bus wasn't due so they'd not have been expecting her earlier. Even if it had been the case why blame OP's dd and not the child that failed to meet the arrangement. Tbh I'm surprised the girl told her parents and I doubt she'll do so in future which isn't a good position to be in with a 16 year old. If they can't even disclose something as simple as a cafe trip then how are they going to share anymore important. I sense a rebellion in the future

Agree with other posters: I would have been in the pub at 16.

My DD is 16 in 2 weeks and she's been visiting cafes with her mates for three years now (she hates the pub).

Indeed OP is correct. I've trained my daughter about knife crime and guns in the sense that if she sees a knife or active shooter to run into a pub or other business and hide, and to tell the manager to ring the police. (We live in London where people get stabby). Most businesses have CCTV. It's far safer to be inside than on the street. I've had counter-terrorism training via work, in the sense of getting away safely and reporting it.

And following recent high-profile murders of women like Sarah Everard shouldn't we be encouraging our girls to be safe and aware?

Very very strange! I'd think the same as you OP.

That’s worrying. My dm would have had the same reaction but as a teen I was regularly locked in

My brother dated a girl whose parents were like that when he was in his early twenties and she was 19. She wasn't allowed to go on nights out, was only allowed out for meals or to cinema if she was picked up, wasn't allowed to get public transport to work. It was insane.

Just going to mention that when I read something very odd posted late at night or in the early hours, especially at weekends, I draw my own conclusions about what the poster's been doing in the previous hours.

if she sees a knife or active shooter to run into a pub or other business and hide, and to tell the manager to ring the police. (We live in London where people get stabby). Most businesses have CCTV. It's far safer to be inside than on the street. I've had counter-terrorism training via work, in the sense of getting away safely and reporting it.
To be fair, most people old enough to be out by themselves could figure that out . You don't need counter terrorism training for that.

My 16 year old is free to go where he wants. How odd.

Perfectly normal and natural for teenagers to go to cafes with friends. And younger than 16 too!

My kids and I have noticed that the most controlling parents end up producing the wildest, secretly rule breaking teenagers

Also I went on holiday by myself at sixteen. Not even with friends (odd child!). I've told my chikdren they can go away with friends for a long weekend by themselves in Paris after GCSEs.

What?! They are weird and controlling

My children all did that from 13 in the city, near their schools.

Poor girl.

She'll be gone as soon as she can leave home.

@nomistake 🤣🤣

Unless there's some big backstory, this is VERY weird.

Why is a bus stop OK, but a cafe isn't?

Why would either not be OK for a 16-year-old?

Totally nuts. I had a friend whose parents were like this. It was miserable for her.

I was commuting into London at 15.

Wow so People want their teens to ask permission what they spend their Money on?

My dd has a card with money at 14 and she doesn't ask permission to spend it?

I can only imagine a massive back story here...it's bonkers.

And no child at 16 cultural or not should usbr to ask permission to go to cafe at 16.unless there truly are back story reasons.

I would give the school a call and raise a concern. They sound very controlling/oppressive and the risk of emotional abuse seems quite high.

The thing is you’re judging but you can’t possibly know if there is a background reason. Are you friends with the parents? I think it’s fairly usual to hardly know the parents of your teens friends, let alone share personal information with them. With that level of anxiety I’d wonder about whether she’d been groomed, or had previous suicide attempt, medical condition like epilepsy or maybe an abusive family member. The teenager is not necessarily going to have shared this with your daughter.
I do think they are totally unreasonable to have a go at you as ultimately it’s their 16 year old daughter who chose to go. It’s a very normal thing to do at 16 and not something controlled by parents or something that your daughter should have felt was ‘wrong’ to ask her friend to do. If there are circumstances and their daughter isn’t safe it would be down to them to liaise with the school and put a plan together

I was that child who was completely controlled up until I left home for uni. Not allowed to go into town with my mates, go to the cinema or have friends over. The first time I was allowed to "go up town" was the day my GCSEs finished and that was only for an hour (was a 20 minutes walk from school). My parents insisted in dropping me to school and picking me up again, I was allowed to do certain acceptable after school clubs and they vetted any potential friends and if they didn't approve that was the end of that. Never allowed to attend parties even when I was in 6th form and eventually the invitations stopped.

My teen years were miserable and lonely and my self confidence non existent.

It meant I ran as soon as I could and deliberately chose a uni in a different country so couldn't be expected to go home at weekends. I now see my parents at the most about 3 times a year.

I've got a 16 year old dd who tells me I am the most relaxed out of all her friends parents - don't get me wrong I have rules about keeping in touch when she's out but she's a young adult and sensible enough to keep herself out of trouble. It drives my mother mad and she's is most concerned dd will get a "reputation"

At that age I was going to the pub after school or drinking vodka in the park. And I was a sensible, studious kids! Those parents are mental. When that girl hits 18 moves away she's going to go off the rails .

I would be fine with it!

The parents are ridiculous. Of course it was a good idea for the girls to go to the cafe, when their bus wasn't due for ages and it was awful weather.

I’d be delighted and think it was very mature and sensible,