How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

My lot know I feel the same
im there for them-but they have to live their own lives
i honestly couldn’t believe it when she had to check in every half hour

You can leave school completely when your 16. These parents need to give their child some freedom.
My DD and her friend go to the ice cream shop on the way home from school one afternoon every fortnight or so.
They have been doing it since they started high school when they where 11. School is about a mile from our house.

At sixteen I was getting the train into London then on a tube to work every day. I could understand them asking her to text she’d be late if she’s usually home by a certain time but to not be allowed in a cafe with a friend is plain bonkers.

Crikey at 16 my sister was married, pregnant, and mistress of her first home!

Also at 16 and 3 weeks, like Bella above, I began commuting by train to the City of London 5 days a week to work at a telephone exchange!

I'm also laughing at escape route? Does the poster mean climbing out of the window to avoid the bill?

That's odd. I was going to a down a 30min bus ride away from 8-8 during the summer holidays when I was 14, many hours were spent in cafes! I did know somebody whose parents would have hit the roof in that scenario though, but for him it was because his parents would have seen it as lost study time 🙄

My mother would have also hit the roof, so I would not have told her about the exam finishing early or the cafe.

It was all about control.

I've said this many times on here, in VI form I was allowed out on a Saturday but I had to be home for 11.

To get home for 11 I had to leave friends, walk to the bus station alone, catch the bus that dropped me half a mile from homme and walk.

My friends caught the bus that left at 10.55 and passed my home at 11.15, the bus stop was literally across the road from the house.

My safety was second to control. I'm glad your dd is a friend to this girl, she will need friends.

This made me laugh! What an overreaction on the other parents behalf.

My friend had this. Her mum was taken into woods and raped at 8 years old.
she kept her daughter’s life like a timed routine to keep her safe. Bath,to,reading,teeth,meal all in a slot.
Her mum,she was wonderful but so f damaged.I’m forever angry he did it,stole her life!
And it was hard for her dd. I don’t no how she coped.
mop could you ask? Say dd was concerned that she did something wrong?

That seems to be a very strange reaction. At 16 surely she is allowed to make her own decisions and going to a cafe with a friend is hardly a bad decision. If it had been a pub or nightclub they might have a point.
Have they always been extremely over protective?

The DD is going to jump from that nest very quickly.

My 14 year old could go to a resteraunt/cafe with a friend, now granted I would like a heads up because he hasnt really gone out much by himself before (Covid etc... means him and most of his friends sit at home gaming instead of going out) but hes at that age where this kind of behavior should be bacoming normal/standard and if he was just killing time waiting for me to pick him up it makes sense, more so than standing in the street.

Unless the parents are so poor that what she spent at the cafe will cause problems, or the friend has history you are unaware of and needs to be monitored then they are completely ott.

My Dd went to boarding school (military husband). I remember her texting me from school about her friend when she was 13. Her father and stepmother (her mum had died) had gone apeshit about something minor to do with social media. My DD said it reminded her to be grateful she had normal parents.

Without really saying anything to each other, my Dd and I sort of took her under our wing. When she came and stayed I always made sure to connect with her that little bit more, and collectively mother them both more than I did her other friends. The ‘parents’ subsequently separated. Her father was busy with his girlfriends. She has no siblings, and a close relative of her mum also died.

This girl is 25 now. She is still in touch with my DD, but I am still directly in touch with her. I still feel the need to keep an eye out for her well-being. She is lovely.

Maybe you and your DD could do the same?

Is this one of those things where you changed details and Cafe is actually pub/tattoo studio/swingers club etc...?

Then it would make more sense but frankly I wouldnt care if DS at 16 went to a pub, we go to places like weatherspoons, greenking, sizzling pubs etc... to grab a drink or bite cheaply when out often and even if he drank I would just be mighty impressed he managed to convince them he was 18 lol.

Is the furore to do with them walking out of an exam early, rather than what they were actually doing instead? No exam "unexpectedly" finishes an hour early, surely??
What's the story there, op?

maybe their daughter is adopted? just the bit you said about no social media??

Sounds like a sensible decision to me. The other parent sounds nuts.

What are they on about "a bad influence"! It was tea and cake in cafe not cocaine, acid trips, 100% straight Vodka and a lap dance in rave bar.
Thatpoor girl she'll be like a bat out of hell as soon as she can move out. Thats not discipline thats control and abuse.

Was it a hash cake @Flamingoose if not they are batshit crazy.

Sad that a 16 year old can not make a wise if not mature decision.

Are they control freaks.

Bhahaha
They are 16.
Plenty of people move out of their homes at 17. So at 16 you should be able to roam free.
He parents sound like helicopter parents
Terrible

Same as you. I'd think it was a lovely idea.

@Flamingoose Do you know exactly how wealthy? Is it extended family wealth? Do you know where it comes from? Do you know anything about their extended family?

Because that cafe overreaction plus lack of social media, if there are no cultural or religious reasons for it, says to me it could be fear of kidnapping or being “discovered” for some reason. I only mention because I knew a girl in that type of situation (wealthy family, estranged from a more wealthy family member that they didn’t want finding them; she couldn’t have social media, they flipped out about things like this; she could never be in any school photos, etc). It stopped her from having anything resembling a social life.

If it’s not cultural, religious, or safety-related, then it’s quite simple - they are not letting their DD “grow up” for whatever reason, doesn’t matter what it is at that point, and it will have consequences (rebellion, no social life and OP says this is already happening, their DD’s unhappiness, and possibly her eventually moving away so she can live normally). And even if it is cultural or religious, all those consequences may happen.

Batshit! Poor girl.

The idea of someone feeling the need to suss out escape routes every time they go into a cafe makes me quite sad. It must be awful to go through life with so much fear. My 17yo dd and I have talked about lots of ways of staying safe, but I have no intention of teaching her to be paranoid.