How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

That is controlling. You have to start to let them go bit by bit and by 16 they should be able to have the autonomy to go into a cafe on their own and without needing permission!

DD is 14 and catches the bus into the city with her friends, which is around 20+ miles away, they catch the train to a coastal area to go to a small fun park and the beach. She has her pocket money, it's up to her how she spends it and when its gone its gone. I will give her extra to cover train fare and food but its up to her where she eats etc.

A friend of a friend was saying recently how their DS's 19yo male friend is going to Uni as far away from their parents as they can, to escape their control and to be sure that they have to live at Uni as it is way too far to travel.

Absolutely insane. There are 16 year olds working in cafes ffs....

Poor DD's friend
I hope she will go to Uni away from their clutches
I would've been perfectly happy with this

Sounds very concerning - what happens when they go to uni? What are the parents like ?

I feel sorry for the 16-year-old to have such weird and controlling parents

Funny exam period!

Totally agree that this was a sensible decision & even better that they went together. Safer in a cafe out of the rain than stood at a bus stop freezing & alone!

Spent half of my school free periods in a cafe when I was in the sixth form. Your DD sounds delightfully sensible, while her friend’s
parents sound like total control freak wankers.

So odd. Other threads on here about 16 year olds going off to reading/Leeds festivals.

My ds is 15 and is off with his mates today. He might go to a cafe, I don't know but I gave him money so he is welcome to if he likes. He does have ASD but still at 15 needs some independence. I'm not sure how you are supposed to learn how to be independent without actually doing it.

My 12yo would be allowed in a cafe if they had to wait on the rain for an hour.

Nothing wrong with it all. I used to go to a cafe right next to my school when I was 16, having just started sixth form. Used to enjoy the little snippets of freedom it gave me (and friends) and this we never at any point took advantage.

OMG sounds like a proper Helicopter parent, my son is 9 and if he wants to call at a coffee shop on his way back from somewhere so long as I have an idea of where he can. In fact he often opts to go sit in the cafe over a hot chocolate while I shop so he can play with his devices in peace. 16 is adult maybe daughter should tell mum to sod off.

Very bizarre. I have a 14 yo and a 15 yo. Would have been fine with this, and for the past couple of years 🤷🏼‍♀️

How weird! My 14 year old doesn't ask my permission to go anywhere, they just text me when they're going out, I'm not bothered where they're going as long as they're not causing trouble and are back by curfew.

The take is: however mad their reaction is it isn't anything to do with you or your daughter so I hope your DD don't feel awful. Likely a control thing but not much you can do but accept it

Your DD sounds brilliantly balanced, kind and with a great relationship where she can talk to you and can see things outside the home which she knows aren't quite right.

The no social media, at 16, and not changing plans. The daughters knowledge that spending money and changing plans would cause issue, does show a high degree of anxiety in the home. Its been a tough few years for all of society and I guess we may well see some of the redundancies and tragic changes of family circumstance that we saw a few decades ago when strikes were common place and discontent was rife.

I hope that your DD is able to continue being friends and a window into a wider world for this girl/ young adult.

My mother would have been the same.

my opinion is be kind to the kid, she needs normal in her life. Smile and nod and completely ignore the mother. You have no idea how important it is for that girl to see normal families and to have access to normality.

Christ alive both my girls were all getting drunk, having boyfriends stay over (don't tut and judge people - how old where you when you had sex??), and smoking days at 16 let alone drinking tea and eating cake. They both turned out to be wonderful adults. That poor girl will grow up rebelling against her parents and then shit really will hit the fan. Her parents are delusional

So, thought this was going to be that your DD went out at night without asking and came home at midnight.

The other girl's parents don't realise their DD in 2 years will possibly not be living at home?

To quote Judge Judy, that doesn't make sense. And if it doesn't make sense, it's not true. How did you learn of this outrage?

At 16 I used to fly alone to see my parents on the other side of the world. Never mind go to a cafe. Weird parents.

The girls parents are completely nuts. I was hanging out with goths, drinking lambrini in a park and snogging random boys at 16! Their daughter will probably massively go off the rails when she finally gets a little bit of freedom at uni etc.

I would have been fine with my girls doing this from about age 12. How are these controlling parents going to react when she leaves for university?

Poor girl she's got a lot of controlling coming her way at only 16. You will come across parents of your children's friends that are batshit crazy that's a given. One of my son's friends used to stay here quite a lot from 16-18 and his parents were strange and controlling but I suppose its a compliment that they trusted us with him in a way.