How would you react if your 16yo went to a cafe without asking first?

[Flamingoose]

16yo DD finished an exam unexpectedly early. No bus due for at least an hour. Pouring with rain. She spotted a friend in the same predicament and together they walked 10 mins to the shops, found a cafe and had a cuppa and a piece of cake.

When DD told me, my reaction was "How lovely! What a good idea. What cake did you have?!"

99% of mumsnetters would have the same reaction, surely?

But dd's friends parents have hit the roof. She should not have gone to the shops without permission. She's not allowed to go to a cafe by herself without adult supervision. It was dangerous and stupid and my dd is a bad influence, apparently? Again, they're 16. Not six.

Would any of you be even vaguely uncomfortable with this scenario? I'm genuinely trying to understand.

And to head off the obvious: No special needs, no illness, not a dangerous area, no cultural or religious reasons to consider, no prior history of bad decisions or reasons for friend to be so closely guarded. They're both rather nerdy, sporty, responsible, nice girls.

It's definitely odd.

If her and your DD are friends make sure your DD knows that her friend has safe haven/escape /support should she need it - it's likely that as she grows and gets more exposed to normal behaviour that she starts to struggle with parental relationships.

I saw it with a few people at my 6th firm college. A couple of them went a bit off the rails at the first hint of freedom.

Poor girl.

When was she 16? I’m just trying to understand how her parents can be so controlling and when she’ll be able to legally start driving in less than 12 months, will they still not let her have any freedom then? They need to get a grip on reality by the sounds of it.

My dd had a friend who’s parents were like that, very controlling. It caused a bit of a drama because their dd ended up lying, she said I’d gone with them to a (very safe) local shopping centre when I’d just dropped them at the station. (Her mum was also tracking her on her phone and called her as soon as we pulled off the driveway to go to the station.) The next thing I knew, the dad turned up on the doorstep unannounced, about 2 hours early to frogmarch their daughter home. They were 14 at the time I think so still quite young but it was only two stops on the train and a very safe area.

Whole situation was flippin weird. As if they’d branded me an unfit parent and my daughter some kind of delinquent (I have a very responsible job and she is a pretty sensible straight A student). I actually called their school and reported it as a safeguarding concern.

Needless to say, the friend wasn’t invited round again and I advised my DD to distance myself from her a bit as I didn’t want to be dragged into anything like that again.

I really felt for the girl, she turned up dressed more like a 5 year old so it looks like she wasn’t allowed to choose her clothes either.

Poor girl, it was only a cafe! When I was 16 I always popped to cafes/chip shops etc to grab some food and drink before heading off home after college instead of waiting ages at the train station.
Never felt the to tell my parents and it was never a problem, her parents are just going to end up pushing her away if they keep treating her like a young child.

That's crazy. I was working full time in a Bank when I was 16. My DD (age 23) has a friend with similar parents. All of her lacy knickers have been thrown away and replaced with old lady pants - she's fucking 23! Very, very controlling and weird.

Teens can be very selective when describing what their parents go mental over. Maybe she was grounded, maybe that was not her money she was spending, maybe she was supposed to call them when she'd finished.

I am old, I was young in the 1960s. I was amongst other things;
going to festivals by myself
going to concerts with a friend of the same age
going to the cinema ( and watching X-rated films there)
drinking in pubs at the age of 13
going out with older boys while telling my dad I was with a friend
travelling to the next big city with the same friend and coming home on the last bus. ( yes, the world was a bit different then).
Now clearly I wouldn't recommend most kids of that age should do half of what I did , and I haven't told you most of the other things I got up to, I came out the other end wiser and, shall we say ,more robust as a result of that.
These parents will be helicopter parents forever, and their children will never be robust and able to take on the world. And the parents will have failed in parenting.

I was your DD to a friend with similar parents said friend is a happy adjusted adult now. But she took 3 goes at first year university, partly due to engaging in “risky behaviours” (her life became a bit like a movie.) Luckily she was incredibly smart/fortunate health wise so there’s not been long term consequences but those three years didn’t look fun from the outside looking in.

Why has it only come to light now? Exams for a 16 year old were surely over two months ago?

Has she told her parents her GCSE results might not be what they hoped for, and they are looking for evidence that she hasn’t been applying herself? Why now?

The whole thing is very strange, despite the obvious existence of controlling parents and the plausibility of a 16 year old being punished for a café visit.

When I was 16 I was in town going clubbing so yes I think I cake at a cafe is absolutely fine!

It's controlling behaviour. It's sad and I'm sure the child resents it. My upbringing was similar. Couldn't wait to leave home.
Unfortunately their actions will always leave a mark. I'm polite to my parents but keep at arms length because of the past. It's their loss sadly. Friendships are important so it's great for your DD to be supportive

Mad. But maybe they expected their dd to let them know as soon as it happened, before she started walking to the cafe?

Wow...

DS 13 takes himself (with friends) to Greggs cafes, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, cafe in the park etc without telling me until afterwards.
Obviously I know who he is with, where abouts etc and he communicates but I don't feel the need for him to ask to have some food inside

Unless there's more to it that you don't know, this is fucking nuts and actually really abusive. I err on the overprotective side (something I constantly battle with myself over) but even for me this is beyond the pale. It is extremely controlling. Their poor DD. It must feel like being a prisoner if she can't do something as simple as see a friend for coffee and a cake in the middle of the day without permission. How is she supposed to grow into an independent individual? How is she supposed to have any confidence or self esteem when she hasn't got agency over her own life? How is she supposed to know what a healthy and respectful relationship looks like? If this were a marriage, we'd all be telling her to contact women's aid and get out because she is being coercively controlled and deliberately estranged from her friends.

Wow, poor girl. At 16 I'd just leave a note at home to say that I was off out. If I was out and would be later than dinner I'd call. I can't imagine a 16 year old not having at least that level of freedom.

This is odd. We live pretty rurally, so I take my 13 year old to school etc. But I’d have no problem at all with her going to a cafe, either alone or with a friend, in the scenario you describe. In fact, I’d be pleased she’d shown some initiative rather than phoning to panic/ask what to do.

If they'd gone to a pub I could understand (though tbf I'd have gone to a pub in those circumstances at 16!) but a café? Way inappropriate reaction.

Wtf!?

Unless the "cafe" was really a pub and she rocked up mortal then that is batshit!

This is a massive over-reaction on the parents behalf. Rather worrying I think. Most parents would be glad that their daughters were taking the initiative and developing independence.

Did you hear about it through your daughter via the girl concerned? No reason to doubt her but we had a girl in her group at school who exaggerated how strict her parents were to get people to feel sorry for her. That's another possibility I suppose?

What's your relationship with the parents like?

Having read recent threads where people would refuse to allow a middle aged woman in a cafe with her friends to hold their baby for a moment while they got their purse; and where a mother thought it was inappropriate to allow a baby's grandparent to change their nappy; I'm sadly not that surprised.
Some parents are so terrified of the world that unless their child is safely under their tight control at all times they fear the worst, and this is where that trajectory leads. Sad for everyone concerned.

My DS tells me the people in the Costa near his school know his name and order. Should tell you everything about how little I care that he likes going to a cafe.

My DD's best friend (just about to turn 17) has parents like this. Absolute control freaks. Not allowed on the 20 minute bus to our house. Only allowed into town if a family member is also in town.

A year ago the girls walked 5 minutes from a grassy area to the shopping centre. I then had the mum on the phone to me, ranting that they were disobedient and manipulative as she hadn't given permission to change location. I told her my child wasn't "disobedient and manipulative" and I had no issue in what they'd done. The mum went crazy at me.

The minute she gets a sniff of freedom she'll be off and never look back (with any luck).

They sound absolutely nuts and horrible. Hope they don’t ever want to meet any grandchildren, that girl will be up and out and never looking back as soon as she can.