Page 7 | I just found £5000

heavyisthe · 2022-08-14T09:03:49+00:00

Which isn't the good news you would think DH has a gambling addiction, it's bad. He's in therapy for it and promised me that he hasn't been for months (since hitting rock bottom and wiping out the family savings in May this year) I had a feeling he went a couple of weeks ago and we had a huge argument about it, him threatening to leave because I wasn't supportive, etc. Basically from his reaction I was even more convinced [hmm]. He's due to go away this afternoon, flying to his home country to see family and out of curiosity I just checked his hand luggage zip pocket and voila! £5000 in two Casino plastic cash wallets. I feel so defeated. He will never stop. He may have won some this time but honestly, I'm not even going to tell you how much he has blown through and lost because you'll assume I'm a troll. It's that bad. Anyway, I've pocketed one of them, £2500. Will put it into my secret fund. Maybe I'll treat myself to something. Wonder if he will ask me about it, or assume he's lost it? If he asks me at least he will have to admit it. Sorry for the rambling, am just getting my thoughts down. I'm not even upset anymore. Fed up.

LaughingCat · 14/08/2022 15:11

heavyisthe · 14/08/2022 12:19

I didn't manage to get the other one. Have just dropped him to the airport, I think he's realised I found it as he just called me for no reason and was chatting rubbish.

Thank you so much for all the posts. I know what I have to do. Im scared but I have to do it. As someone said upthread, I need to find my anger. I used to be angry about it now I just feel defeated. So I need that anger back.

Im going to go and stay with my best friend for a few days, the kids are going to my parents for a sleepover so might extend that visit so I can spend some proper time with my friend and she can give me the kick up the arse that I need.

I’m really glad to hear this, OP - it never gets better in my experience. Gambling addiction makes honest men into liars and good men into thieves. It’ll make you feel like a mug over and over again, each time the penny drops.

Take this time and use it wisely - again, from my experience, courts will usually settle the debts of both parties before divvying up house sale proceeds etc (in my parents’ divorce, my father took out several credit cards to cash in his own name, which were then paid off before the house sale was split 50:50), so get the credit checks on your DH from the three main agencies first to see what you’re in for and work out how to ringfence any money that you do have. And get good legal advice.

Hope you find your anger again to help sustain you through this. hugs

switchoff1 · 14/08/2022 15:15

I would have took it all not just half. It’s hard to trust after a gambling addiction. My partner suffered years ago got himself into debt and all came to a head and we got help. He didn’t have his bank card I took it off him for months, I had access to his bank account and I also registered his credit file to my email so I could see if he took any loans out. It’s hard to come back from with trust around money, recently he’s had money come to him and I do worry what he does with it.. He went to AA for over a year, I used to drop him off at the start and pick him up to make sure he went. I was militant with it and we got there (one set back as can be expected) and now in a good place. I don’t think he’s ready to stop if he’s doing that. If he wants to stop he can and he needs to get the help You just need to decide if you want to be with him to get through it or not

userxx · 14/08/2022 15:19

Sally090807 · 14/08/2022 14:46

So flying to his home country with £5k, probably to help his own family out there.

I would take the lot and divorce him, I doubt he will ever quit the gambling.

Or planning a gambling trip whilst over there.

ClownSchool · 14/08/2022 15:22

AdoraBell · 14/08/2022 12:43

I would put that money into a savings - not joint- account rather that buying something nice for myself.

I’d go one step further and put it into the children’s savings so that he can’t claim half when they separate.

@heavyisthe think what you could have done for your children with that six figure sum he has gambled away - university, house deposit each, etc? Channel your anger 💐

PrimAndProperViperish · 14/08/2022 15:22

drugfam.co.uk/affected-by-others-gambling-addiction/

I'm sorry, OP.

0live · 14/08/2022 15:42

Wonderful posts from @BobDear and @Twentypast .

These will give you the strength you need @heavyisthe

Summergirl5 · 14/08/2022 15:46

Take both and bank them
it will pay for your divorce

UniversalAunt · 14/08/2022 15:47

Take the cash that you did get.
Go see a solicitor who specialises in family law.
If the first exploratory session is free, so be it.
After that session, consider the advice that you have been given.
Use the £2500 to get yourself organised for at least a legal separation or if need be a divorce to protect yourself & your family, emotionally, legally & financially.

While he is away, waste no time - go through all documentation in desk, shelves, stuffed in books, under mattresses everywhere because you may find cash, IOUs & importantly loans taken out in his name, your name & using family assets as security. Make sure that you check with each of the credit scoring agencies if any unexpected or new debt/loans/credit cards are in your name. Anything slightly untoward, flag this up to the credit agency, the Action Fraud line & your solicitor.

Others MNetters have written about collating copies of all certificates, pay & pension documentation, bank/mortgage/loan statements. Make copies & store safely offsite. Keep your passport, driving licence & other ID safe.

This is a new rapid onset change in behaviour, whatever the catalyst (acute illness, medication, whatever), he has no brakes. He is not in a position to stop right now.

You need to take steps to protect yourself & do it faster than you thought possible. This may all seem full on no-holds barred, but you will find many threads on MN & other forums about the impact of a compulsive gambler in the family.

In the next few days, it is more important that you protect your self over than LTB. If you just LTB, he could still screw you financially for many years to come.

hudndkdn · 14/08/2022 15:57

How awful for you OP, gets your ducks in a row as much as you can whilst he's gone. Speak with some professionals. It might help you to talk out loud to someone about how its making you feel. You need to do whats best for you and your children

ClownSchool · 14/08/2022 15:57

Good advice @UniversalAunt

ClownSchool · 14/08/2022 16:00

www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/gamanon

Support link for family members affected by gamblers

UniversalAunt · 14/08/2022 16:01

@heavyisthe Honestly, you do not have the luxury of time to ‘find your anger’ & fingers crossed that your kind friend be the catalyst for you to get organised.

That’s just pushing the inevitable down the road until you feel a bit better, but you really don’t have that indulgence. Take the money, take legal advice, take action.

All the while you procrastinate, he’s gambling. Tearing up your & your childrens’s emotional & financial security. Every day.

ivykaty44 · 14/08/2022 16:02

she can give me the kick up the arse that I need.

only you can kick yourself up the arse

Urunbelievable · 14/08/2022 16:02

Sorry op that sucks

BreadInCaptivity · 14/08/2022 16:18

UniversalAunt · 14/08/2022 16:01

@heavyisthe Honestly, you do not have the luxury of time to ‘find your anger’ & fingers crossed that your kind friend be the catalyst for you to get organised.

That’s just pushing the inevitable down the road until you feel a bit better, but you really don’t have that indulgence. Take the money, take legal advice, take action.

All the while you procrastinate, he’s gambling. Tearing up your & your childrens’s emotional & financial security. Every day.

Well said (an your pp was also excellent advice).

The £2.5k he's taken with him will be pissed away at a casino abroad.

He's spent a six figure sum on his addiction and even having won this money his first thought wasn't to use it to the families benefit but to hide it and then throw it away whilst out of the country.

How much is enough OP? What's your limit? When you're homeless?

How he fell into gambling is irrelevant at this point.

You need to use the time he is away to secure your own (and children's) financial future. Not pondering whether to leave him.

reesewithoutaspoon · 14/08/2022 16:39

Imagine you stay with him.
unbeknownst to you (because gamblers are secretive) he takes loans against your house or in your name. none of this is fantasy, it's happened to many women before you.
Now imagine 1-2 years down the line, losing your home and you and your children having to move to go into emergency accommodation, It's difficult to rent because you have no references and you can't get credit. You will have to take emergency council B&B accommodation or whatever you can find. You can't even buy furniture/appliances for that home because no one will give you credit. Debt collection agencies are going after you because you were married and the debts of the marriage are your responsibility as much as his.
Because you have the kids and can't do midnight flits but he can, they come for you. They don't care if it's his fault or if it will leave you destitute, they go for the easier target. Its now your problem to try and get any money out of him.
Does that sound like a future you want for yourself and your children?
You can help him from afar if you feel so inclined, but please get yourself financially separated from him, for your kid's sake.

Blizzardbeach · 14/08/2022 16:39

OP, you need a solicitor. Find out if there are any loans secured against your house.
I know someone who completely fleeced his whole family through the family business with his gambling, he then lost his home and took out over 100k of loans fraudulently against his parents and sisters houses.

And start the divorce process ASAP, that way you stand a chance of keeping some equity from your home and moving on, instead of being absolutely fucked.
The person I knows wife had to move into a council house with their kids.

Blizzardbeach · 14/08/2022 16:40

reesewithoutaspoon · 14/08/2022 16:39

Imagine you stay with him.
unbeknownst to you (because gamblers are secretive) he takes loans against your house or in your name. none of this is fantasy, it's happened to many women before you.
Now imagine 1-2 years down the line, losing your home and you and your children having to move to go into emergency accommodation, It's difficult to rent because you have no references and you can't get credit. You will have to take emergency council B&B accommodation or whatever you can find. You can't even buy furniture/appliances for that home because no one will give you credit. Debt collection agencies are going after you because you were married and the debts of the marriage are your responsibility as much as his.
Because you have the kids and can't do midnight flits but he can, they come for you. They don't care if it's his fault or if it will leave you destitute, they go for the easier target. Its now your problem to try and get any money out of him.
Does that sound like a future you want for yourself and your children?
You can help him from afar if you feel so inclined, but please get yourself financially separated from him, for your kid's sake.

This, 100% this

HipsterCoffeeShop · 14/08/2022 16:56

UniversalAunt · 14/08/2022 15:47

Take the cash that you did get.
Go see a solicitor who specialises in family law.
If the first exploratory session is free, so be it.
After that session, consider the advice that you have been given.
Use the £2500 to get yourself organised for at least a legal separation or if need be a divorce to protect yourself & your family, emotionally, legally & financially.

While he is away, waste no time - go through all documentation in desk, shelves, stuffed in books, under mattresses everywhere because you may find cash, IOUs & importantly loans taken out in his name, your name & using family assets as security. Make sure that you check with each of the credit scoring agencies if any unexpected or new debt/loans/credit cards are in your name. Anything slightly untoward, flag this up to the credit agency, the Action Fraud line & your solicitor.

Others MNetters have written about collating copies of all certificates, pay & pension documentation, bank/mortgage/loan statements. Make copies & store safely offsite. Keep your passport, driving licence & other ID safe.

This is a new rapid onset change in behaviour, whatever the catalyst (acute illness, medication, whatever), he has no brakes. He is not in a position to stop right now.

You need to take steps to protect yourself & do it faster than you thought possible. This may all seem full on no-holds barred, but you will find many threads on MN & other forums about the impact of a compulsive gambler in the family.

In the next few days, it is more important that you protect your self over than LTB. If you just LTB, he could still screw you financially for many years to come.

Agree.

While he's gone search the house, shed, garage. Does he have a separate car to you? Look in that as well. Look for red letters, bills, credit card statements that he's hidden from you. Once you have everything you can find then proceed in full knowledge of the situation.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 14/08/2022 17:52

cormorant5 · 14/08/2022 10:53

Please leave. Definitely would have taken all.
He might get interviewed by Customs on way out. The sniffer dogs on exit are getting the scent of ink on Banknotes and the plastics.

It’s perfectly legal to take up to £10,000 in cash, as DH probably knows (addicts can be very knowledgeable)

www.gov.uk/bringing-cash-into-uk

KettrickenSmiled · 14/08/2022 19:38

You need to take steps to protect yourself & do it faster than you thought possible. This may all seem full on no-holds barred, but you will find many threads on MN & other forums about the impact of a compulsive gambler in the family.

In the next few days, it is more important that you protect your self over than LTB. If you just LTB, he could still screw you financially for many years to come.

THIS is the most important advice on your whole thread OP.

Please, please take it.