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Original poster

I just found £5000

171 replies

heavyisthe · 14/08/2022 10:03

Which isn't the good news you would think

DH has a gambling addiction, it's bad. He's in therapy for it and promised me that he hasn't been for months (since hitting rock bottom and wiping out the family savings in May this year)

I had a feeling he went a couple of weeks ago and we had a huge argument about it, him threatening to leave because I wasn't supportive, etc. Basically from his reaction I was even more convinced Hmm.

He's due to go away this afternoon, flying to his home country to see family and out of curiosity I just checked his hand luggage zip pocket and voila! £5000 in two Casino plastic cash wallets.

I feel so defeated. He will never stop. He may have won some this time but honestly, I'm not even going to tell you how much he has blown through and lost because you'll assume I'm a troll. It's that bad.

Anyway, I've pocketed one of them, £2500. Will put it into my secret fund. Maybe I'll treat myself to something.
Wonder if he will ask me about it, or assume he's lost it? If he asks me at least he will have to admit it.

Sorry for the rambling, am just getting my thoughts down. I'm not even upset anymore. Fed up.

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 14/08/2022 10:56

op

Mn is full of women who are lawyers and benefits experts etc

You could start a new thread asking for help on how to leave and there will be peole able to walk you through thr process /tell you how to fill out the forms etc ?

KTheGrey · 14/08/2022 11:03

It is indeed hard and scary to leave a marriage. But you've done the hardest and scariest bit - you've admitted you need to do it. Now you can plan.

PragmaticWench · 14/08/2022 11:03

The only way for an addict is down, unless they themselves commit every day to beat the addiction.

You can't let him take you and your children down with him and you won't be able to trust him. I suspect the 'feeling fed up' is you reaching the point of emotionally detaching from him due to his behaviour? You need to do that, despite loving him, and use that detachment to keep your children afloat.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 14/08/2022 11:04

Sort it all while he's away. Imagine a life filled with peace without him.

Seafretfreda · 14/08/2022 11:04

Please get some self esteem! Take the whole lot and spend it on a solicitor whilst he’s away. Change the locks. Addiction - whatever! No time for that. He’s choosing to prioritize a quick flutter over you and his children and their futures. What a bastard. You’re enabling him.

Sparklfairy · 14/08/2022 11:08

I would have taken both envelopes too, but its done now.

Please take some solace in this: he gambled away family money without a care. Yet when he won 5k he kept it all to himself and a secret from you.

Hold onto that thought every time you doubt yourself. "Family money" is his, but his winning are all his too. The marriage is over.

mummymeister · 14/08/2022 11:11

If you have been through the loss of a 6 figure sum in savings and you are still holding it together for your children then believe me YOU ARE strong enough to leave this man. He is an addict. he is never going to stop unless he wants to. never. and even when he does you will be on egg shells all the time. what are you waiting for? when he gets into so much debt you get evicted from your home? when he has no money and starts borrowing from family and friends and not repaying? when he is so broke he starts selling house hold items including electrical goods owned by your kids? He stole money from you. he has £5K and is hiding it from you and lying. You dont love him and he certainly doesnt love you or the children. you just are in a rut and think its this way only as the option. and it really really isnt. Your kids will know this is happening, however hard you think you are trying to hide it. it will drive them away believe me it will. Get out now whilst you still have some friends, some family and some dignity because give it time and he will strip you of all of these.

InquiringMinds · 14/08/2022 11:11

Endlesslypatient82 · 14/08/2022 10:16

Bloody hell op - what sort of life is this for you and your children. Sounds awful.

Don’t treat yourself in the sense of buying something.

treat yourself by securing a solicitor

Show quote history

Exactly! Retain a solicitor. Why treat yourself to something OP with
money gained from his gambling! Rather put your children and your own future first by leaving!

Jumpking · 14/08/2022 11:15

@heavyisthe I'm so sorry to hear this. It must have been a shock, but not a surprise, to find that he'd gone back again. Heartbreaking that the gambling came before you and your family. Again.

I stayed with an addict twice after discovering their behaviour. The third time, they chose to leave me. This was after 20 years and them having a life changing illness. I couldn't see life after them, so was desperately trying to make it work, but XH gave up on us. I'm so flipping glad he did as I'm not sure if I'd have left. I didn't use Mumsnet then, plus no one knew what was going on. I didn't have the strength around me to hold me up. Mumsnet will give you that, I'm sure.

Life is so much better without XH. I'm not wondering every minute if they're feeding their addiction. I can get on with living for both my children and I.

You do have the strength to leave. You need to. It's hard in the short term but the long term is so much better, I promise.

All the best.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 14/08/2022 11:16

Warm thoughts to you, op. 🌷
You’ve had lots of good advice from previous responses. Whatever you decide regarding the marriage, do make sure you have moved any money from accounts he could access. Try to minimise the damage.

greatblueheron · 14/08/2022 11:18

Holy crap!

I'd try to get him out of the house on a quick errand/job for you and take the rest.

He has spent your family's money on gambling! Get what you can back for your children's sake and get him out of your home!

jollygreenpea · 14/08/2022 11:19

I know I should just leave him, I've known it for a while now. But it's hard, and scary

Not as scary as someone on your doorstep demanding the money he owes them.

Threelittlelambs · 14/08/2022 11:19

Have you Checked your : your husbands credit score recently?

It shows mortgages and recent loans etc - just wonders the depths of this addiction?

Please do one and see what’s what.

Get copies of everything whilst he’s away and do some digging.

You are leaving yourself very open to debt and losing the house.

lastminutedotcom22 · 14/08/2022 11:19

Endlesslypatient82 · 14/08/2022 10:06

Maybe I'll treat myself to something.

put this towards your leaving fund.
in fact all the £5k
do you have children?

I'd take all of it if you have kids and have you money or a monopoly board replace it with that 🤣

But seriously take the money

SpilltheTea · 14/08/2022 11:21

Please treat yourself to a divorce. He's never going to be honest with you and he's not even trying to get help for his addiction. You can't let him put you in financial ruin.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/08/2022 11:22

Take exactly your share of the savings
and yes
as unpleasant , difficult , scary , galling and daunting as it is
please see a Soliciter x

Sapphirensteel · 14/08/2022 11:30

Addiction is so destructive, not just to the person addicted, it brings down their relationships, destroys families.
Don’t use the £2500 to treat yourself, tempting though it is, use it towards getting away. Use his time away to plan your way out.
it seems scary to leave but believe me it’s scarier to stay with an addict. Until he takes therapy seriously and stops gambling 100% for ever, it will always come first with him. And when you get in the way of his gambling he can become nasty, threatening, violent. It’s not a great future.
Please take advice to leave.

rainbowstardrops · 14/08/2022 11:30

I know addiction is an illness but you really do have to put your children first here. He will ruin all of you otherwise.
I'd confront him but that's just me.

MummyJ36 · 14/08/2022 11:31

I think you know what you need to do OP. Also you need to think of your kids in this not just yourself. He’s not strong enough to stop so you need to be strong enough to step away and make a better life for them. No matter how much you think you’ve shielded them from this they will be aware on some level and this will only get worse as they get older. You owe it to them to take the bull by the horns and leave him. Staying with him when we continues to lie and whittle away the family savings sets a bad example.

RandomMess · 14/08/2022 11:31

I didn't think you could take £2,500 cash out the country tbh?

Blowthemandown · 14/08/2022 11:31

Take it all to replace the savings, but inaccessible to him as he will simply spend it. Confront him when he returns. But make sure he has no way to access any joint funds while away so he can’t compound it. Then make plans to leave.

Anniefrenchfry · 14/08/2022 11:33

Go and get the other half of the money, just take it. Even if you have to argue to get it. Just take it. Why would you leave him with it when you know he’s just going to gamble it away

EkinWho · 14/08/2022 11:35

RandomMess · 14/08/2022 11:31

I didn't think you could take £2,500 cash out the country tbh?

I think it's £10k limit.

AlexandriasWindmill · 14/08/2022 11:35

I'm so sorry OP. Are you frightened how he will react when he realises the money is missing?

You know you need to leave. Can you muster some RL support to help you take steps whilst he is away?

mummymeister · 14/08/2022 11:36

Anniefrenchfry · 14/08/2022 11:33

Go and get the other half of the money, just take it. Even if you have to argue to get it. Just take it. Why would you leave him with it when you know he’s just going to gamble it away

yes do exactly this. you know where this money is going to end up. he is stealing from you and your family right in front of your eyes. just march in and take it. thats what he did with your savings.