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Original poster

I just found £5000

171 replies

heavyisthe · 14/08/2022 10:03

Which isn't the good news you would think

DH has a gambling addiction, it's bad. He's in therapy for it and promised me that he hasn't been for months (since hitting rock bottom and wiping out the family savings in May this year)

I had a feeling he went a couple of weeks ago and we had a huge argument about it, him threatening to leave because I wasn't supportive, etc. Basically from his reaction I was even more convinced Hmm.

He's due to go away this afternoon, flying to his home country to see family and out of curiosity I just checked his hand luggage zip pocket and voila! £5000 in two Casino plastic cash wallets.

I feel so defeated. He will never stop. He may have won some this time but honestly, I'm not even going to tell you how much he has blown through and lost because you'll assume I'm a troll. It's that bad.

Anyway, I've pocketed one of them, £2500. Will put it into my secret fund. Maybe I'll treat myself to something.
Wonder if he will ask me about it, or assume he's lost it? If he asks me at least he will have to admit it.

Sorry for the rambling, am just getting my thoughts down. I'm not even upset anymore. Fed up.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 14/08/2022 11:37

RandomMess · 14/08/2022 11:31

I didn't think you could take £2,500 cash out the country tbh?

You have to declare anything over £10k
You can still take it but you have to prove it’s been legitimately earned and tax paid on it if necessary
I love watching Border Force!!

impossible · 14/08/2022 11:40

So sorry you're going through this. Your DH is not a terrible man (as someone on the thread has said) - he has an addiction, an illness which he can't control. Unfortunately his gambling will destroy him and your family if it goes on. There is help though if he will take it.

Watch this BBC documentary. It's terribly sad but also realistic and you will see things on there that could help. It may be that the possibility of losing you and DCs will be enough to push your DH towards getting the help he badly needs.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m0019dz9/gambling-a-game-of-life-and-death

thedancingbear · 14/08/2022 11:41

He's a scumbag OP.

Take the rest of the £5k and change the locks.

Addiction my arse. He's a just a prick who steals from his family.

Lipsandlashes · 14/08/2022 11:41

Leave him. His addiction will ruin your life over and over again. You need to find the strength to get him out of the house. Do it for your children

annoyedneighbour1 · 14/08/2022 11:43

You need to leave him.

This is not healthy for your poor children, you have to put them first.

BobDear · 14/08/2022 11:45

OP I am so so sorry.

Please let me tell you what I have seen as it may help spur you on.

FIL was a gambler of the level you describe. He too was a Casino gambler. My DH's (and his DSis) whole life has been shaped by it . Two family homes and a family business lost on a card table / roulette wheel over the course of ten years. They went from living in a nice family home to a flat with a tarpaulin roof for three years. Then another thirty years of wins of the size you describe and even more sometimes - but always ALWAYS offset by far far bigger losses.

He never stopped . The casino managers knew he was a shell of the person that used to come in, but they didn't give a fuck - kept giving him free meals and glasses of brandy and champagne that all aided his delusion that he was 'big time' and the next big win was just around the corner.

He died broke, still wearing £1000 suits from twenty years ago that hung off him and he left behind a legacy of addition, pain and damaged kids. DH mum never left him - she was weak and 'in love' and she even ignored affairs that were all with rich women from the Casino. The amount of trauma that DH lives with on the back of that decision is indescribable and would take forever. As soon as DH and his DSis were old enough to start earning, he began 'borrowing' - sometimes with their knowledge (by laying on family / blood is thicker than water bullshit guilt) and sometimes without their knowledge - making credit applications in their names and running up debts of thousands.

When he died he owed us (via DH) tens of thousands. DH has struggled massively over the years - he carried huge amounts of anger, rage, sadness, guilt, confusion and a distorted view of what makes a 'good husband' (because the bar he saw modelled was set so low). Our own DC now have a father who is nothing like his own father but is very damaged. They are in their teens and DS struggles with anger because he too has seen too much volatility. The legacy just goes on and on.

Gambling addiction is the gift that just keeps giving. It's the worst one because there are no physical 'rock bottoms' like with drink or drugs - you just keep going and stooping even lower and lower to fund it.

I'm so so sorry you are in this boat, but please make your plans to leave a real priority rather than a 'one day' plan.

reesewithoutaspoon · 14/08/2022 11:49

Please make sure you are financially independent from him. If you are married you are joint and severally liable for family debts. You can't trust him not to gamble away you and your children's home.
He obviously hasn't stopped and worse, this win will reignite the urge. He won 5k and his first thought wasn't that will help to replace some of the savings, but to hide it from you so he can gamble in secret again.
He's not ready to stop. They don't stop until either they want to (he doesn't) or they are financially ruined. And he will take you and your children with him into that financial ruin.
You need to divorce and separate your finances for their sake.

Itsgettinghotinhre · 14/08/2022 11:51

How many years has he been gambling OP? Do you still have joint accounts? If so I would stop.

I would have taken all the money too. Do Casino's ask for proof of earnings these days??

MartinaKnows · 14/08/2022 11:52

The headline was way more positive than the context. Hope you will sort this out with him.

Whatwouldscullydo · 14/08/2022 11:54

So sorry you're going through this. Your DH is not a terrible man (as someone on the thread has said) - he has an addiction, an illness which he can't control. Unfortunately his gambling will destroy him and your family if it goes on. There is help though if he will take it

You can be an.addict amd an.arsehole.you can't control addiction. U can control how you treat people though.

You don't get a free pass just because you are sick.

You can bar yourself from casinos etc
Theres stuff you can do that he isn't.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/08/2022 11:56

ReallyIrish · 14/08/2022 10:06

Take the lot to replace the savings he spent. Then start separation proceedings.

Yes this.

OP I know you might love him but you need to leave. No one can sustain a marriage to an addict.

Itsgettinghotinhre · 14/08/2022 11:57

@BobDear your post was sad to read. You too look after yourself!

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/08/2022 11:58

Can you go and see a solicitor while he’s away, pull all your financials and see how the money would be split. CAB or Stepchange can tell you about benefits.

Once you start to make some plans it will feel a lot less scary. And you only have to go at the pace you’re comfortable with,

LilacSky95 · 14/08/2022 11:59

Omg why are you even with him.

Thefruitbatdancer · 14/08/2022 12:01

Put the money into premium bonds as its not easily accessible and you can't spend it on rubbish. You need to start saving as much as you can and lock it into long term deposit accounts.

www.nsandi.com/products/premium-bonds

mamabear715 · 14/08/2022 12:02

I'm so sorry OP.
It's hard to stop loving someone because of an addiction. My late ex was alcohol dependent, insisted he wasn't, & could never see anything wrong. Happy day? Need to go to the pub to celebrate. Bad day? Need to go to the pub to drown sorrows. I even went to AA with him but he was convinced he didn't need help. Eventually he ended up leaving me & the kids for some trollop who also seemed to like a drink. It wasn't a happy time. :-( He's dead now. My life is my own. The kids are doing great.
Just think about it. It's really not frightening on your own because you have your own money, & even if it's not as much, you can budget & stick to it, knowing it's not going to disappear. If he has access to the kids, great, as long as he doesn't have access to your bank cards. You don't have to hate him, just protect yourself & your children. Hugs..

NanaNelly · 14/08/2022 12:03

OP, try and get the rest of the money if you can and use it towards a new life for you and your children .

WibbleBibble · 14/08/2022 12:04

I hope you managed to sneak out the other one and get your ducks in a row while hes away, get legal advice and follow it. This seriously scares me

TheVanguardSix · 14/08/2022 12:11

Maybe I'll treat myself to something.

How about a locksmith?

OP, I feel for you. My ex was an addict (not gambling). It's just the way addiction manifests itself and the unholy mess it makes... the tentacles are far-reaching. I hope you find a way out. I hope you find your courage. I know it takes a lot... it is hard to leave.

StaunchMomma · 14/08/2022 12:12

I'm so sorry this happened to all of you, OP. It sounds like your DH has been through a dreadful time with the cancer and losing his career. So many men are dragged into this when they're low and desperate to get money. It's a hideous disease.

Honestly though, he's not going to hit rock bottom and pick himself up while you are there as a safety net. I know it sounds cruel but he needs o lose everything to really understand how bad things are.

It sounds like you and the children are already suffering from this. Whilst I understand that you might feel an element of guilt for separating and taking the children away, they really do need shielding from what is going to happen, be it him falling into a deep depression or the bailiffs turning up.

In the grand scheme of things, children need stability.

I hope you have someone to talk about this and supportive family or friends, OP. It must be heartbreaking.

Out yourself and the kids first, for once. The grip of his addiction is much stronger than his love for you and his family at the moment.

KangarooKenny · 14/08/2022 12:13

I’d take the lot and start divorce proceedings.

TheVanguardSix · 14/08/2022 12:15

BobDear 😥
Yep. Those are those far-reaching tentacles I was talking about.
BobDear, your post is so heartbreaking. It sums up so perfectly and so sadly the cursed legacy of addiction.

catandcoffee · 14/08/2022 12:17

I hope you don't have a mortgage as its only a matter of time before you lose your house. ?

losingit31 · 14/08/2022 12:18

Are you sure that he plans to return from this trip or might he be doing a runner?

Original poster
heavyisthe · 14/08/2022 12:19

I didn't manage to get the other one. Have just dropped him to the airport, I think he's realised I found it as he just called me for no reason and was chatting rubbish.

Thank you so much for all the posts. I know what I have to do. Im scared but I have to do it. As someone said upthread, I need to find my anger. I used to be angry about it now I just feel defeated. So I need that anger back.

Im going to go and stay with my best friend for a few days, the kids are going to my parents for a sleepover so might extend that visit so I can spend some proper time with my friend and she can give me the kick up the arse that I need.

OP posts:
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