I just found £5000

[heavyisthe]

Which isn't the good news you would think

DH has a gambling addiction, it's bad. He's in therapy for it and promised me that he hasn't been for months (since hitting rock bottom and wiping out the family savings in May this year)

I had a feeling he went a couple of weeks ago and we had a huge argument about it, him threatening to leave because I wasn't supportive, etc. Basically from his reaction I was even more convinced .

He's due to go away this afternoon, flying to his home country to see family and out of curiosity I just checked his hand luggage zip pocket and voila! £5000 in two Casino plastic cash wallets.

I feel so defeated. He will never stop. He may have won some this time but honestly, I'm not even going to tell you how much he has blown through and lost because you'll assume I'm a troll. It's that bad.

Anyway, I've pocketed one of them, £2500. Will put it into my secret fund. Maybe I'll treat myself to something.
Wonder if he will ask me about it, or assume he's lost it? If he asks me at least he will have to admit it.

Sorry for the rambling, am just getting my thoughts down. I'm not even upset anymore. Fed up.

My dad lost the family home and had multiple credit cards and loans due to online gambling, bailiffs and shady folk were relentless. It financially destroyed my mum and sister even after he’d left. It’s a big black cloud that seemed to linger for years. It’s absolutely no life to live.

As they say, the way out is through the door.

Why would you not have left him?

They say an addict has to reach rock bottom before doing something about their addiction, well it's the same for you. You haven't left him yet because you haven't maybe haven't reached rock bottom with him. But it's only going to get worse from here so make today your rock bottom day and get away from him. He'll drag you down until you are homeless.

I would have taken the money and replaced the money with a note. Something like not quiet what you were expecting, is it

I left my ex (father of our 4 children) back in 2013, but sadly I didn't realise he had a gambling problem until the damage had been done.
I couldn't understand why we were struggling (had a lot going on at the time with one of my children being ill in hospital long term) as he managed all the finances. Looking back I don't know how I missed all the signs, but as I say I was juggling daily hospital visits with my other 3 children at home/ school.

We've been separated for 9 years, but I'm still paying off the mortgage debts (I had to go to court back then and beg them not repossess. We had a date to be out of the house by and it was saved at the last minute). I've not missed a payment in all the years I've been on my own, yet the debt was so high I will be paying arrears for many years to come.
Not only that, he also took out a second mortgage at the time (in both our names), which I have now been lumbered with as he is still gambling.
I've come off a lot worse than he is and can't forgive myself for not seeing what was happening right in front of me.

Imagine a year into the future when things are worse. You’ll back to now and wish you’d left sooner.

If the friend hasn’t already, then unlikely to work this time.

it has to come from you OP.

Six figures down the drain that could have gone on so much. Your children. Opportunities for them. Your home. Holidays. Experiences. Savings.

instead…. Gone

I would take no hesitation, say nothing and let him head off on this trip. Then ring your solicitor tomorrow. What a selfish bollix. I would never admit to taking it - let him assume he has lost it.

*both

@heavyisthe yoir plans for the kids and seeing your friend sounds good. See her and vent and let her help you find your anger.
He doesn’t care enough that he won money and all he wants to do is take it abroad to spend it without you.
find your anger to divorce him. Look at it as protecting your children’s future. If you divorce any debt he gets in won’t threaten your savings and house. If you stay with him you could lose the roof over your childrens head.

One of my friends dad was a gambling addict.
She no longer speaks to her mother or father blames them both for all it did to them in her childhood really sad situation (and she’s very open about it)

It's not for us to keep someone from their rock bottom. It's best for you all if you leave.

My father was a gambler. But for a bank error my Mum would have been homeless with four very young children. He went through a substantial inheritance from his mother and then again from his father - and from his second wife. He learned nothing.

The money that he actually earned (not that much) would have made all the difference to my Mum and to our upbringing. It was financially very difficult and I've never forgotten it. My brothers were also severely impacted.

When my father died a few years back nobody attended his funeral and his is not missed.

You don't love the man you think you love, OP, he doesn't exist any longer and gamblers are liars. Every last one of them. Don't make excuses not to leave because it's a very clear choice - your pathetic husband - or your dependent children who need you. Which?

How could he not want to spend the money on your family? Or save some for family funds? A holiday together?

Sorry you are having a tough time, I’m glad you took the money. Treat yourself!😊

He sounds selfish. Take the whole 5K and keep it to yourself. See if he says anything. Wait a couple of months. If he doesn’t, spend it on taking you and the children (if you have any) for a holiday break away. You need a break from this after all!

I was (note was) married to a gambler (casinos) and also have 3DCs. He dragged us so far down, we ended up with an IVA which is one step from bankruptcy. He will not change, I would make plans to leave asap.

I shudder remembering the times I checked our bank account to find it drained, or got to the checkout in a shop to have my debit card declined.

You have my sympathy but you owe it to your children to leave him.

Please do this as a matter of urgency OP.

I'm glad you have the respite & suppoirt of staying with your good friend - but take action NOW, from her house.

Your only safe course of action is divorce, & financial separation asap.
When you find a lawyer - & please get a recommendation to a highly experienced one used to dealing with financial abuse within marriages - highlight the fact of the 6-figure sum H stole from the family pot.

Obviously you need to take all possible legal steps now to safeguard your share of any marital assets & savings.
But you should also look to register with your lawyer that 6 figure sum as a detriment you your & the DC's future wellbeing. If there is enough in the pot when you - e.g. sell the marital home - your share of the total assets should reflect that detriment. ie he needs to get a lot less than you, to 'repay' what he stole from the DC's future.

Good point - take these to your friend's with you OP.
It may also be a good plan to ask her to safekeep them for you until you can lodge them with your lawyer.

FFS don't.

There is no need for OP to tip him the wink & lose the few days advantage she has. We don't even know if she's ready to leave him yet. I hope she is, & I hope she starts that process from her friend's house tomorrow.

But ramping up the drama with advance notification to her H is pointless.

I'm rooting for you, OP. Willing you to find the place to start getting out of this relationship. Being at a friend's sounds like a good start, actually. You'll get there.

@Rosiethecat15

Congratulations on getting out, & managing to head off ruin solo.
I am so sorry you are left carrying the burden of that arsehole's debt.

So flying to his home country with £5k, probably to help his own family out there.

I would take the lot and divorce him, I doubt he will ever quit the gambling.

He won't have taken the money to help anyone.

He's taken it to spend at a casino in his own country.

A gambling addict only "gives" money to feed their addiction. They wouldn't dream of giving winnings to family - even if they owed them money.

That's why it's so destructive. All the talk of the next "big win" is irrelevant because even if they won back everything they'd ever gambled the money would never be used to replace that lost - it would just get gambled away until they'd lost everything again.

I would regard this as a gift of a running away fund and use it to see a solicitor on Monday.

If you haven’t already, check your own credit score. You can get free trials. The gambler in my family fraudulently took out loans in their spouse’s name.

You've got to leave him Op. what ever debt you know about will be just the tip of the iceberg. I promise you the freedom from the constant mental stress when you leave a gambler is worth sacrificing your love for him.