I just found £5000

[heavyisthe]

Which isn't the good news you would think

DH has a gambling addiction, it's bad. He's in therapy for it and promised me that he hasn't been for months (since hitting rock bottom and wiping out the family savings in May this year)

I had a feeling he went a couple of weeks ago and we had a huge argument about it, him threatening to leave because I wasn't supportive, etc. Basically from his reaction I was even more convinced .

He's due to go away this afternoon, flying to his home country to see family and out of curiosity I just checked his hand luggage zip pocket and voila! £5000 in two Casino plastic cash wallets.

I feel so defeated. He will never stop. He may have won some this time but honestly, I'm not even going to tell you how much he has blown through and lost because you'll assume I'm a troll. It's that bad.

Anyway, I've pocketed one of them, £2500. Will put it into my secret fund. Maybe I'll treat myself to something.
Wonder if he will ask me about it, or assume he's lost it? If he asks me at least he will have to admit it.

Sorry for the rambling, am just getting my thoughts down. I'm not even upset anymore. Fed up.

What @BobDear said.

My father was a gambler. I don't know if my mother knew to what extent. She did divorce him after we lost our home. We were given a couple of weeks to leave the home I'd grown up in (I was late teens).

Luckily my uncle had an empty rental property or I don't know what what have happened.

We could only take what we could carry due to the timing and size of the new place (from a 4 bed house to a tiny 2 bed flat). I have nothing from my childhood. No photos of me as a baby/growing up. No beloved toys. No books (I am a reader. I had collected loads of series likeThe Chalet School, Nancy Drew etc). I have absolutely nothing.

It still affects me now. 30 years later. My DH wants me to have counselling but I can't see the point. Please protect yourself and your children. Don't put them through this.

So sorry you are in this position.

I left my gambler the day I discovered he had forged my signature on payday loans. I have no idea why that was finally the trigger. The gaslighting me, me folding money in specific ways, putting my purse and bankcards in specific spots so I knew if they moved , getting a bank loan (stupidly) to pay off his various credit cards into one debt i viewed as saving my marraige and sticking by my vows. his parents and grandparents gave him money and not telling me thinking we were short when he asked them not too. i too would find money - granted not thousands and since he wasnt meant to have it how could he ask for it back? I ended up bankrupt with 2 under 3years old homeless and starting again alone. It's left me and the kids damaged. I knew though the SILs that same stunts were still being pulled borrowing money and forgetting to repay 1 told the new partner though as she refused to be out of pocket and she knew all the shit that had come out in the wash via me

mine had drink issues and went for the cliche of seeing other women too.

My children saw more than I with they did and he never changed to the point if my son was giving money at a family do he would hid it down his sock so dad didnt know he had it and ask for it. They know they didnt get all the birthday /christmas/holiday money left at his by his side of the family as he would never give them a total amount or put it in their banks or send home with them. It used to make me so anger I went the other way and was always super transparent with money especially theirs and as they got older and able to deal with their own savings account stressed they were never to lend any money to anyone (always careful never to bad mouth him)

I made sure when they were young that only I had access to their savings accounts so their were no oops I used the wrong account or after the split deliberate theft

please do get your finances in order or at a point you know whats is yours and what is joint even the silly things like Broadband etc so that when you do reach the "thats it no more " point you know exactly where you stand financially

Can I also add that I didnt realised my mental health had took such a hit living for years with this and suggest that you talk to someone .

best of luck and huge hugs to you xx

Take the bloody lot! He won’t bring it up to you anyway Because he’s hidden it from you.

use the money to divorce him

you know he won’t ever change, at least stop him from taking you down with him

Whilst he's away is the perfect time to start getting your ducks in a row tbh. You need to financially separate urgently before you lose everything.

Ex BIL - lost the house via credit card debts for gambling that he still managed to get despite already being black listed. He was meeting the postie on the road so SIL never twigged.

They were already of DMP at this point, I guess getting them secured against the house was how he got around it.

They would have been sitting in a £600k house with no mortgage by now

that could be a loan that you found. It might be borrowed money.

use the money to help you escape and untangle your finances fast.

all the very best, I’m so sorry.

OP, someone upthread mentioned what you could have done for the DC with all the money he’s lost so far - if you need to find your anger, start there. Imagine bailiffs knocking on your door, or your home being repossessed and having to explain to them why. You can’t control what he’s doing, but you can control how much impact it has on you and your children.

Could he has owed that money to a family member?

X post

i think your plan is great. Get some breathing room and some love and support from your friends

yes what you have to do is scary, but NOT doing it is even scarier as he’ll take you ALL down with him. You know this.

leaving him may just be the rock bottom he needs to finally deal with it.

That’s yours and your children’s money that he’s stealing. You’ll leave at some point because you’ll reach a point where you stop loving him. Why not do it now before he takes any more of your money?

It's more scary to face financial ruin, homelessness with children and be worried what they're going to eat, don't you think?

Hopefully your friend will give you the support you need to make your focus your children's security. Don't worry about this bloke. He's sure as shit not worrying about you or the children you need to house, clothe and feed.

He doesn't deserve being your priority.

Get an alert on your property with land registry so it can't be sold dodgily without your knowledge. Also if you aren't on the deeds you need to register your interest in it.

Basically priority is see a good solicitor that has proven success for securing a good outcome in divorce for people in a similar situation to you. Start asking for recommendations and getting together all paperwork.

Remember to gather the documents you'll need to start separation. Good luck, OP.

Re it's hard, and scary*

@heavyisthe
Lots of people sharing experiences, offering advice and support.

I want to be kind and supportive too but at this stage am going to just get to the crux of things and it may seem brutal, sorry.

Not as hard and scary as it's likely to get if this carries on and you know it will carry on.

Hope you take that in the motivational spirit that it's meant. Good luck. I'm sure you're capable of what you need to do.

I know I should just leave him, I've known it for a while now. But it's hard, and scary

You're right, it is ... but is it any harder than knowing you're putting your three children at massive disadvantage?

Pity you didn't manage to get hold of the other money, but you might want to be careful for yourselves when he realises what happened

I would put that money into a savings - not joint- account rather that buying something nice for myself.

I doubt it, it's not illegal to leave the country with £2,500 in cash. Years ago the limit used to be £10,000, though I'm not sure of what it is now.

that could be a loan that you found. It might be borrowed money

Yes, this could easily be true, and it's yet another reason to get him out ... unless you fancy having the children in the house when his creditors come knocking

Why shouldn’t she ‘leave a trace’?

email Him and just say you want a divorce that the debt and gambling are out of control and loans etc and he needs to take full accountability of the debts and let you and the children set up a financially secure life. That you won’t stop his contact with them but this is the deal

OP, it may well be a ‘disease’ but it is a disease that is harming your life and that of your kids.

The fact that you were too afraid to confront him over this and are now playing passive aggressive cat and mouse in rubbish phone calls demonstrates how far you are being subjugated to his gambling addiction.

Using the money to buy yourself a ‘treat’ is enabling yourself to put up with it.

Alongside his therapy are you getting any support? There are support organisations for the partners of gamblers much like AlAnon for alcoholics’ families.

I do understand that it must be very hard for our. You have spent time supporting him, and giving him a break from normal responsibilities during his cancer treatment and that creates a dynamic. It’s hard to move away from feeling sorry for him.

And of course you can still feel sorry for him AND leave to protect you and the kids.

I am sure that while he was ill with cancer you were tiger partner, fiercely guarding his health, putting him first, putting his needs first and foremost in the family.

Time to change focus now. You need to be tiger Mum, putting your kids first, their home, their welfare, your ability to keep a warm roof over their well fed heads!

I would send him a calm direct message. You have the money, and if the other £2500 is not in your bank acct by lunch time tomorrow the locks will be changed and his stuff in storage when he comes home. If the money is in your account you will consider a discussion with him when he gets home. But you will not continue to live with someone who lies and gambles. His choice.

the locks will be changed and his stuff in storage when he comes home.

Can Op just kick him out?

I hear you OP. Ex DH got into over £100k debt before I found out. I still have days of feeling stupid for not noticing and that was 15 years ago. He’s salary was £25k - online betting has a lot to answer for.

it won’t ever get better while you’re with him. The £5k will be the tip of the iceberg. You’ve done everything you can. Now it’s time to give yourself permission to finish things.

All the very best.

I grew up with a gambling father and it was a damaging childhood. My mum was always stressed out beyond belief and crying when she was let down yet again. Your kids would be better off out of that it's a toxic atmosphere

Hi OP. I've just been reading a thread about why people left their relationships and someone said 'we hold the key to our own cages'. Think on that.
Sorry for what you are going through.

A gambling addict will gamble on anything and that’s why it is so difficult to contain. My ex was an alcoholic (now recovered/recovering) and I would advise you to leave and make a new life for yourself and children, or you’ll have a life of emotional pain (and so will your children).