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Original poster

I just found £5000

171 replies

heavyisthe · 14/08/2022 10:03

Which isn't the good news you would think

DH has a gambling addiction, it's bad. He's in therapy for it and promised me that he hasn't been for months (since hitting rock bottom and wiping out the family savings in May this year)

I had a feeling he went a couple of weeks ago and we had a huge argument about it, him threatening to leave because I wasn't supportive, etc. Basically from his reaction I was even more convinced Hmm.

He's due to go away this afternoon, flying to his home country to see family and out of curiosity I just checked his hand luggage zip pocket and voila! £5000 in two Casino plastic cash wallets.

I feel so defeated. He will never stop. He may have won some this time but honestly, I'm not even going to tell you how much he has blown through and lost because you'll assume I'm a troll. It's that bad.

Anyway, I've pocketed one of them, £2500. Will put it into my secret fund. Maybe I'll treat myself to something.
Wonder if he will ask me about it, or assume he's lost it? If he asks me at least he will have to admit it.

Sorry for the rambling, am just getting my thoughts down. I'm not even upset anymore. Fed up.

OP posts:
Trivester · 14/08/2022 10:25

For now just concentrate on how to ring fence your dc’s financial security. How to cut off access to your savings, your home, your future (all of this is theirs) so that his illness cannot plunge them irrevocably into poverty.

You may still be willing to support and care for him on an emotional level, but divorcing him for financial reasons is the responsible thing now.

And there’s nothing to stop you getting remarried in the future if he sorts himself out.

I’m NOT saying you have any moral obligation to stay with him but I’m just giving you some ways to think about the different layers of involvement.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/08/2022 10:27

If you don't mind sharing how much by your estimations has be burnt through?

I know it's tough but I hope you find the strength and resolve to leave. Addicts don't change unless they want to of their own volition. They know they're ruining the lives of everyone around them but the addiction wins out every single time.

Peridot1 · 14/08/2022 10:28

What’s scarier- constantly wondering if this will happen again or if it is happening or what happens when he gambles enough away that you lose your home OR leaving him and being completely in control of your finances and knowing nobody will ever take your financial security away.

Itsnotwhatitlookslike · 14/08/2022 10:31

He wiped out the family savings but you’re not supportive?!

IrisVersicolor · 14/08/2022 10:32

I’d find living with a gambler who could gamble away my and my kids’ home and future much scarier than leaving.

I understand you don’t want to leave but sadly you don’t have a choice.

Elsiid · 14/08/2022 10:32

Take both

Original poster
heavyisthe · 14/08/2022 10:36

If you don't mind sharing how much by your estimations has be burnt through

Six figures.
He used to be a super high earner, got sick a few years ago (cancer), came through it but lost his job, got a new much lower paid job, got into gambling, the rest is history.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 14/08/2022 10:37

Oh OP this is awful. You know you need to leave him, if you don’t he will drag you and your children down with him, by blowing through your savings he is already doing this.

Endlesslypatient82 · 14/08/2022 10:37

perhaps think what you could have done for your children with that wasted six figures. Would that be a motivation?

TokyoTen · 14/08/2022 10:39

OP please take this opportunity whilst he is away to leave. He will never get better, you will be in financial ruin all your life. Your DP don't deserve that. I know it's hard, but you can't carry on like this.

NewHopeNow · 14/08/2022 10:39

Get it all, take the children and get out. What a terrible man.

IrisVersicolor · 14/08/2022 10:42

I understand with the cancer your reluctance to leave, but you really need to separate to protect yourself and the kids nonetheless. He’s not going to get proper help if you keep enabling him.

6 figures is a heck of a lot to lose. Although it could be anywhere between 100k and 999k.

Clymene · 14/08/2022 10:43

Now he's going away you need to start to separation proceedings. He doesn't love you or your children as much as he loves gambling. You will lose everything in the end.

NoSquirrels · 14/08/2022 10:44

I don't think I'm strong enough yet.

Yes, you are.

You won’t get stronger by staying. You’ll start to hate yourself.

Take this opportunity to make the plans you need.

Tell whoever you need support from.

Then act.

Flowers
KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 14/08/2022 10:46

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 14/08/2022 10:08

I would take both and make steps to leave him while he's "visiting family".

This

Thefailinghousewife · 14/08/2022 10:47

I hope you can find a way to get the other half of the £5k before he leaves. Then use the time apart to find your anger and plan a new life for you and your children. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for them. Wishing you strength and courage to take the next steps - he won’t change Flowers

ShaneTwane · 14/08/2022 10:47

Please leave op. 6 figures?! I really hope you are financially independent from him. Get the divorce rolling whilst he is away. How much debt is he currently in that you know about?

NoSquirrels · 14/08/2022 10:50

If you need help to reframe it for yourself, then try considering that if you stay, he will never truly have hit ‘rock bottom’ as he has not yet lost all that he loves - his family.

He needs you to leave just as much as you need to leave him.

Perhaps he can still change. But you shouldn’t wait to find out. He can do the work alone and then, only then, talk about your relationship.

HeartofTeFiti · 14/08/2022 10:51

oh this is not the thread I expect from the title! I feel incredibly sorry for you. You DO have the strength to get away from this situation. It won’t improve until he ruins himself completely; you need to separate yourself and the kids from that ruin. Shame you didn’t take the £5000. Good luck x

Hydrangeatea · 14/08/2022 10:52

What could be scarier than being completely ruined financially.....

Leave

IrisVersicolor · 14/08/2022 10:52

I wouldn’t find a way to get the other £2500 I’d just ask him for it.

If he refuses then tell him to book into a hotel on his return.

cormorant5 · 14/08/2022 10:53

Please leave. Definitely would have taken all.
He might get interviewed by Customs on way out. The sniffer dogs on exit are getting the scent of ink on Banknotes and the plastics.

Ragruggers · 14/08/2022 10:53

I am sorry you are in this awful situation and you know he doesn5 want to change.If you say you are not strong enough you must act for your children who have no say in this.Can someone look after the £2.500 for you get it out of the house.Do not leave a trace by putting it in the bank.Do you have a mortgage together?Are you working?Make sure he has no access to your money.Can you speak to a lawyer whilst he is away.You really need to leave.Good luck.

Fireflygal · 14/08/2022 10:54

Addiction is an illness that makes the people around the addict sick. Every month the sickness.

You are able to do this.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/08/2022 10:55

heavyisthe · 14/08/2022 10:36

If you don't mind sharing how much by your estimations has be burnt through

Six figures.
He used to be a super high earner, got sick a few years ago (cancer), came through it but lost his job, got a new much lower paid job, got into gambling, the rest is history.

Is this why you are staying with him? The compassion trap?