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Original poster

Did she really just say this?! WTAF?!

312 replies

Takemebacktothenorth · 11/08/2022 17:48

Hi,

I'm trying not to be outraged by this, but I just can't get my head around this womans comment!

Joined a friend app a few months a go and have actually been pleasantly surprised by it so far and have met some lovely women and made a few good friends, which was the aim, so am obviously happy.

However, I had been chatting to this woman for a few days and she sounded like an intelligent, interesting person, but when she asked what my husband did for a living and I corrected her and said "sorry, wife", she got really strange and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm really just looking for friends, which is why I'm on a friend app" 😶🤔🙄

Erm....what? 1, why would I try to find women on a friend app when there are plenty of dating apps? 2, why would I try and chat her up by telling her I had a wife?! So many whys here!!

It's absolutely ridiculous and bloody insulting! Does me having a wife mean I can't possibly have a platonic relationship with a woman?!

Just venting really.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/08/2022 22:43

So @Bentley123 even ignoring ops clarification, how does her reply about jist looking for friends make sense?

ToGanymedeAndTitan · 11/08/2022 23:09

It's that old attitude about if you're gay /lesbian then you automatically must fancy every member of the same sex, isn't it .
It's just pure ignorance at best ( hopefully nothing worse!)
Think Regina George in Mean Girls - "so, what, are you like a lesbian, what you must be in love with me or something?!"
🙄😁

Fenella123 · 11/08/2022 23:22

Good grief, winner of the "wrong end of the stick 2022 awards" right there.

I suppose you could ask, "Um you seem to have the wrong end of the stick, have you had any unfortunate experiences with someone who you were hoping to be friends with who came on to you? I really am just here to find new friends, my romance needs are 100% provided by my missus!".

But if you decided that it's all too mad and you have NO desire to find out what further madness might be lurking, well I don't think anyone would hold it against you!!!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
LivingDeadGirlUK · 11/08/2022 23:49

Some odd replies on here, even OP said she thought the woman seemed intelligent. She would have to be thick as mince to think OP was proposing to her (the only explanation for the response if she did think OP called her wife).

Edgeog · 11/08/2022 23:53

Thank you @SunnyKlara 😊

Justleaveitblankthen · 12/08/2022 00:21

Urgh! With time to think about it always, I would respond with: 😂😂 Ah did you think I fancied you on the sly? Bless! Sweetie you aren't my type at all, but I did enjoy your personality until you showed yourself to be a deluded homophobe - and that's attractive to nobody except Bigots. Good luck 🍀👋
Trouble is, she's the type who will go on to ask the next 'friend' to clarify she isn't gay.. and dine out on her lucky escape from you for a while to come yet.

MissyCooperismyShero · 12/08/2022 01:25

TabithaTittlemouse · 11/08/2022 18:16

I wonder if she thinks that you are male which has made her defensive?

Surely this. She thinks you are a man and impersonating a woman. Because you are on the pull. She will probably report you now!

ToGanymedeAndTitan · 12/08/2022 01:50

How are people still getting she thinks you're a man from this?!
It's clear as OP is a lesbian that means she automatically wants to shag the woman/get into a relationship with her.
You're led to believe that this attitude died out in the 90s onwards but nope, seems it's still alive and kicking 😂

Ottersmith · 12/08/2022 02:10

She sounds like a fucking dick. Is this the UK? Why does she not know about gay people? Can you tell us what you said to her?

mathanxiety · 12/08/2022 03:41

YYY to thinking you're a man.

The conclusion of 'ignorant homophobe' isn't always the logical or reasonable one.

Her response would make sense if she thought you were a man.

Womblingforfree · 12/08/2022 05:19

So..long time Mumsnetter new NC as haven't posted in a while.. but felt compelled to do so.
I am a lesbian and recently single at age of nearly 50. Have joined a number of Facebook groups to do with outdoorsy things to make new friends. With 2 teens, a busy job and a tricky ex WIFE I have zero interest in looking for love... but do need some new friends as most of my friends are scattered UK wide with their own busy lives and partners. (Straight and gay).
But I'm sorry to say that I've totally found this is what women think I've joined the groups for. I know I'm not the only gay woman who thinks this. A couple of the groups even have 'we are a womens friendship group not a dating group' in their description which put me off joining. On a couple of meet ups I felt I was unwelcome by a few woman..I felt they were constantly saying 'well My husband this... or that to firmly clarify they were straight (I do 'look' gay... yes I know there's no one look but you know what I mean). I made me pretty sad to be honest and I can't say I was actually myself most of the time and essentially stayed in the closet. I had the dog with me and talked about my kids and 'ex' rather than be specific. I haven't made new friends yet but unsurprisingly because I'm probably not myself! Yes there are lesbian friendship groups and yes they do have a dating element..but I have interests etc that aren't always compatible with that much smaller pool of women (think bookish outdoorsy nerd with kids who doesn't like sports or drinking)...
So yes I'm not surprised this has happened. If I was on bumble or whatever I'd probably feel compelled to put 'I'm gay' ..but I wouldn't go on their. Making friends is tricky. Most of my beat friends are straight but I met them all years ago via work and studying... and my work colleagues are a great bunch too... none of them have ever thought I'm trying to hit on them and just see me as the person I am.
So yes women..older ones... I find its definitely the over 40s..Need to.ask themselves seriously what they think of this and check their unconscious bias. Probably applies to other minority groups too.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 12/08/2022 05:24

mathanxiety · 12/08/2022 03:41

YYY to thinking you're a man.

The conclusion of 'ignorant homophobe' isn't always the logical or reasonable one.

Her response would make sense if she thought you were a man.

If a woman mentions their wife, you don’t bizarrely jump to the conclusion that they are a man in disguise unless you are already an ignorant homophobe.

WTF475878237NC · 12/08/2022 06:43

Slight aside here but in every day life if someone asks if you are married, and you are a woman, the next question is almost always what does your husband do? Do you think it is homophobic to make an incorrect but statistically significantly more likely assumption?

Womblingforfree · 12/08/2022 06:51

The issue wasn't 'husband' it was straight after saying 'I'm just looking for friends'. If the OP had said I'm divorced, would she have said it?
I've had similar said to me. So it's not a one off sadly. And I'm not on any apps. The problem lies with the other woman's insecurity. But still uncomfortable. Our skins only so thick.

Womblingforfree · 12/08/2022 06:53

And you can always say 'partner'

CamillaToe · 12/08/2022 07:17

I would guess she presumed you were a man

Elsiid · 12/08/2022 07:36

Did you reply to her again?

ItWasJustifiedHeWasACunt · 12/08/2022 07:42

How many people need to ask what app it is before the OP answers the question? It's so fucking annoying!!

KatharineofAragon · 12/08/2022 07:57

CamillaToe · 12/08/2022 07:17

I would guess she presumed you were a man

Yes, maybe pretending to be a woman. So that might explain it.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/08/2022 08:41

It’s depressing how many people would rather assume the woman mistook OP for a catfishing man (or even that she IS a catfishing man) than admit homophobia is still out there.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2022 08:52

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/08/2022 08:41

It’s depressing how many people would rather assume the woman mistook OP for a catfishing man (or even that she IS a catfishing man) than admit homophobia is still out there.

Exactly. How is it more likely OP is a man who's trying to have sex with the woman but forgot his cover to the degree where he started talking about his wife than that there's a woman looking for friends on a friendship app who happens to be a lesbian

Original poster
Takemebacktothenorth · 12/08/2022 09:23

@HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd I think you've hit the nail on the head.

The people who think this really could be the explanation and understandably Confused really need to ask themselves why they think that.

My reply was "I'm confused. I'm not sure what I have said that could make you think I was looking for anything but friendship myself". She actually replied very early this morning -"I hope I haven't offended you. I worried a lesbian on here talking to other women might be looking for something else"

Even though I told you I'M MARRIED?! Ah, but we all know us gays have morals of ally cats and will try to fuck anything that moves, so yes, understandable assumption!

Not sure I can be bothered to reply. I'm actually bi sexual, so I'm fucked really. Can't be friends with anyone! It's inevitable I'll fancy them all at some point!

OP posts:
Original poster
Takemebacktothenorth · 12/08/2022 09:25

So to sum up, she didn't think I was a man, just a horny for all women, lesbian.

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 12/08/2022 09:28

That is just...unbelievable. I've never even heard of that stereotype of lesbians, although clearly it must exist. My jaw is on the floor.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/08/2022 09:48

Womblingforfree · 12/08/2022 06:51

The issue wasn't 'husband' it was straight after saying 'I'm just looking for friends'. If the OP had said I'm divorced, would she have said it?
I've had similar said to me. So it's not a one off sadly. And I'm not on any apps. The problem lies with the other woman's insecurity. But still uncomfortable. Our skins only so thick.

If I was in that women's group you mention and you were a new member I would never even imagine that you were there to check out the talent. It's ridiculous and worrying in 2022 that people still think like this!

I mentioned upthread that a man I used to work with referred to the actress Sophie Ward as a "raving lesbian" - I think he was shocked she wasn't straight - just the word "raving" is nuts, as if sex and lots of it is all that defines a gay relationship.

Yesterday I bumped into a former colleague, who is a lesbian, who I haven't seen for 4 years. She asked if we could meet up for coffee, and I never even considered she meant anything other than coffee and a chat. Some people are weird!