NC because I'm ashamed of how I'm feeling

[MigraineLevel9000]

Please if you have 5 minutes to read and reply, I ask you to do so. I really need help.

Where to start 😩

I have the most clever, funny, interesting, soon to be 6 year old little girl.

She is also making me want to throw myself off a bridge.

I feel like I spend all of my time asking her over and over again to do the same basic, easy to do tasks. I ask her nicely, she won't do it. I repeat the request firmly, she won't do it. I make it very clear this is the last time I'll ask, she usually begrudgingly does what is asked if her. Something that should take 30 seconds turns into 15 minutes of nonsense.

She talks back to me, but she is erudite and has fantastic vocabulary, she would almost make you doubt that what you're asking her is reasonable. She has an answer to everything.

She is incredibly energetic and sporty, this isn't a laziness issue it is pure stubbornness.

She's sharp as a tack, very witty and likeable. She had good friends, is happy at school and achieves well. But her poor teacher 😩 the entire first year of school was constant messages home, being pulled aside at school pick up by her teacher with the days latest nonsense. With exactly the same complaints I suffer with at home.

Her teacher even said she almost feels gas lit some days, because my daughter is so polite and calm when she's openly defying you and point blank not listening to whatever is asked of her. You so question yourself!

The teacher also commented that she is doing remarkably well at school considering she often decides she's not doing the work, gets up from the table and walks off, generally being an imp. If she actually applied herself she would do incredibly.

She is kept entertained, in plenty of extracurricular clubs, she swims, she does ballet, she has lots of time at home doing crafts, loves to draw, but fuck me she is just a nightmare to live with.

I'm now at a stage of daily migraines, I dread spending the day with her. Isn't that awful? I feel sick typing it because I can't convey how much I love this child but I'm done in.

I've just put her in bed. She's asleep, I'm in tears on the sofa because yet again I've only gotten 1/10th of the things done today I needed to because every single step was met with pure opposition. It's like wading through mud.

Please, tell me I'm not alone, tell me it ends?

Better yet, tell me how the hell I make this better.

X

@SpidersAreShitheads (love the username) thanks for those comments, that's so interesting about the push/pull if you have more than one ND. The questionnaires I've done online for both have always been female targeted (as in, I have googled "adult woman autism/adhd questionnaire" etc). In the autism ones I tend to never tick the boxes about routine, interests, lack of interest in people, lack of ability to make small talk - can't think of any more off the top of my head, but it's always left me thinking "I'm definitely not autistic" as I don't relate to a lot of the points. I would say I can be very obsessive though, strangely I have been obsessed with the idea that my DS is autistic practically since birth. I used to have very specific illness related obsessions and anxieties pre-DC.

In terms of ADHD I would say I tick a lot more of the impulsivity type traits - interrupting, constantly moving/fiddling/fidgeting, impulsive behaviour generally (I have "fallen out" with many people over the years because of my inability to not just leave things unsaid, especially in the heat of the moment). I can be very snappy and impatient with DH and DC and am a horrendously angry driver/cyclist/general member of the public. I have learned not to do this with friends (!) and I really try and keep things in when I'm out in public too, but I will definitely be the one to sarcastically say "you're welcome" if someone doesn't thank me for holding a door for them...!

I also find it hard to focus at work sometimes but the nature of my job works for me, as I tend to have very short term, week-by-week deadlines, so I always get my work done on time and am well thought of in terms of competency and organisation. However if I have to listen to or read a boring discussion/document, I almost always tune out unless the pressure is there for me to be on high alert (for example if I was then expected to feedback to the meeting room!).

A lot of my traits though I think are me just being a bit of a difficult person.

@Ponderingthemeaningoflife

“However if I have to listen to or read a boring discussion/document, I almost always tune out unless the pressure is there for me to be on high alert (for example if I was then expected to feedback to the meeting room!).”

isnt that the same for everyone?

@LuckySantangelo35 i have no idea! My colleagues all seem to manage it.

@MigraineLevel9000 I’m sorry you were forced off the thread, people are far too judgmental.
I hope you are still reading.
Before retirement I ran an Autism Diagnostic Team. I would agree with a possible PDA dx.
My dd (25) was similar and I have worked with similar. This is not spite but it is a need to control her environment.
A timetable drawn up with her can help if you are prepared to plan your time in advance.
An explanation of what is going to happen before an activity starts can help. Eg. Yes you may colour but in 30 minutes Mum needs to do this. I will set the alarm for twenty minutes to remind you then for a further ten and we will then do Mum’s activities.
Be firm and calm. Discuss your reasoning.
Dont tell her to do things, ask her. Eg. I’d appreciate it if you could pop your shoes on now as we are going out in ten minutes. We won’t be going to the park today but we will be doing shopping and car spotting.
hope this helps.

I also felt uncomfortable reading this, alongside the teacher saying she felt gas-lit by a 5 year old. Whether or not you agreed with her, she is an adult in charge of 30 kids and therefore she needs to be clear and consistent in how she treats every single one of them, not just your precious child.
I think this is poor boundaries from your child's teacher, who needs to make friends away from school parents.

@cheveux you sound quite invested in her child bit odd. My dd is probably classed as 'a bit dim' then as she's not highly intelligent. No less worthy though.

Op I'm glad you've stepped away from the thread. If you ever come back and read this again know you aren't a bad mum. If you were a bad mum you wouldn't be aware of the situation or trying to change it. Look after yourself.

Hear, hear Qwettyiiop. You're doing your absolute best, OP, and obviously care a very great deal about your girl xx