NC because I'm ashamed of how I'm feeling

[MigraineLevel9000]

Please if you have 5 minutes to read and reply, I ask you to do so. I really need help.

Where to start 😩

I have the most clever, funny, interesting, soon to be 6 year old little girl.

She is also making me want to throw myself off a bridge.

I feel like I spend all of my time asking her over and over again to do the same basic, easy to do tasks. I ask her nicely, she won't do it. I repeat the request firmly, she won't do it. I make it very clear this is the last time I'll ask, she usually begrudgingly does what is asked if her. Something that should take 30 seconds turns into 15 minutes of nonsense.

She talks back to me, but she is erudite and has fantastic vocabulary, she would almost make you doubt that what you're asking her is reasonable. She has an answer to everything.

She is incredibly energetic and sporty, this isn't a laziness issue it is pure stubbornness.

She's sharp as a tack, very witty and likeable. She had good friends, is happy at school and achieves well. But her poor teacher 😩 the entire first year of school was constant messages home, being pulled aside at school pick up by her teacher with the days latest nonsense. With exactly the same complaints I suffer with at home.

Her teacher even said she almost feels gas lit some days, because my daughter is so polite and calm when she's openly defying you and point blank not listening to whatever is asked of her. You so question yourself!

The teacher also commented that she is doing remarkably well at school considering she often decides she's not doing the work, gets up from the table and walks off, generally being an imp. If she actually applied herself she would do incredibly.

She is kept entertained, in plenty of extracurricular clubs, she swims, she does ballet, she has lots of time at home doing crafts, loves to draw, but fuck me she is just a nightmare to live with.

I'm now at a stage of daily migraines, I dread spending the day with her. Isn't that awful? I feel sick typing it because I can't convey how much I love this child but I'm done in.

I've just put her in bed. She's asleep, I'm in tears on the sofa because yet again I've only gotten 1/10th of the things done today I needed to because every single step was met with pure opposition. It's like wading through mud.

Please, tell me I'm not alone, tell me it ends?

Better yet, tell me how the hell I make this better.

X

I disagree politely with making consequences that are not related to what you are asking her to do !
The consequence is that she puts her shoes on, puts her stuff away.
The no ice cream would be met with a shrug and dont care by a child like this.
I get what you are saying but she needs to be handled firmly.
I would keep no party/ treats for major misbehaviour otherwise she will just continue to negotiate/ argue.
So the consequence is she is putting her shoes on, Op has intervened at the count of 3 so that happens.

Where did you get ‘lazy’ from? She sounds anything but.
@BellePeppa These two moments from the original OP stand out

I feel like I spend all of my time asking her over and over again to do the same basic, easy to do tasks. I ask her nicely, she won't do it. I repeat the request firmly, she won't do it. I make it very clear this is the last time I'll ask, she usually begrudgingly does what is asked if her. Something that should take 30 seconds turns into 15 minutes of nonsense.

The teacher also commented that she is doing remarkably well at school considering she often decides she's not doing the work, gets up from the table and walks off, generally being an imp. If she actually applied herself she would do incredibly.

The child knows what is expected but prefers to play or do something else when told what she needs to do. The OP isn’t being helped by this post thread and has backed off which I think is extremely sensible. I won’t be discussing her child in her absence but I wish her well and think she should try to make sure the child doesn’t profit from her behaviour. I hope she slept and feels empowered to make changes.

Her teacher even said she almost feels gas lit some days, because my daughter is so polite and calm when she's openly defying you and point blank not listening to whatever is asked of her.

Her teacher says she feels gas lit? 😂I think your dd's teacher has issues.

You should work on your own self esteem and boundaries and start parenting your little girl. She sounds awesome, just not great at being a kid. Sign her up fro some great out of school activities and stop blaming a little girl for your own insecurities.

stop blaming a little girl for your own insecurities.

Seriously. Any need for this? OP is asking for advice. Nothing wrong with that - I see no evidence of 'insecurities' just a parent dealing with a tough situation.

You're feeding her attention-seeking. Stop.

If she doesn't put the toys away, you bag them and lock them in the garage. Next time she wants them, she can't have them. Won't eat the meal you cooked? Take it away.

If she won't get dressed, bathed, or brush her hair, eat lunch, just ignore, The consequences are hers alone. She goes to the shops in pyjamas, she's very hungry all afternoon, she looks a mess. Not your problem.

If she is rude to you or teacher, there will be consequences; no outing, no TV, playdate; whatever treat she was looking forward to. Ignore the pleas and tears; don't argue discuss or engage, and don't give in.

I haven’t read the full thread so apologies if I’m repeating what others have said or if you’ve already addressed this but have you had her IQ tested? She sounds incredibly bright (she sounds amazing actually! although I can see she must be hard work!) and I’m wondering if most of this is just boredom?

Also - is she mimicking the way you and your partner talk to each other at home?

Just caught up on your posts and I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time OP - for what it’s worth I genuinely think she sounds amazing. Probably just a kid who isn’t suited to being a child! I’m 100% sure she’ll end up being a great teen and adult, she sounds like she’s just ready to be more grown up and have more responsibility. I really wouldn’t worry too much, but the fact you are shows you’re a great parent.

I have two argumentative DC. Now older but they’ll still deal with me asking them to do something by launching into a clever string of arguments. Exhausting.

IME it helps to step back from the arguments/reasons/waffle and not engage (i mean you still need to listen at some level in case they have a real reason, but once it descends into pointless to and fro). As in, I’m not asking you, I’m telling you, this needs doing now and if you don’t there will be consequences. Try to make the consequences relevant, eg if she doesn’t get ready / do something in time then you can’t go on a trip/do something she wants to do - but I will also remove privileges like screen time and so on if there’s no natural consequence.

Be matter-of-fact, not angry, but firm - she’s arguing because it works for her. The message you need to be giving is that while you love her and want to have fun with her, ultimately you are the boss and she’s not. This isn’t cruel or mean - small children need to know someone’s in charge and bigger than them, and if they don’t have a sense of that they (or some of them) will push it and test it.

also though, I’d pick your battles and give her some agency. Do you need to do all the things you only achieve 10% of in a day, or can you let some of them go or give her some choice or a say in the planning? Play to her strengths and give her things to use her brainpower on, like hmmm we have xyz to do, how can we fit them all in or make them more fun, do you have any ideas? Give her hypothetical things to focus on instead, like DD, how would you stop countries fighting each other, or if you ran the school, would you change anything? 4yos can be fun to have a wide-ranging, bonkers conversation with!

I know it can drive you up the wall but remember you’re the boss.

Oops 5yos sorry!

I disagree. The OP has firmly handed over any say so to her daughter. I know mums like this, unable to assert themselves over their dc. I too have a challenging dc with some similar behaviours to op's dd. I know I am in charge while also giving my dd choosing power where I think it's appropriate. My own mother was meek with me when I was growing up. Apparently she thought that I have a determined personality and rather than parenting me, she was passive and accepted that I had the stronger 'nature' so she just gave in and let me lead .

As parents we need to be clear about how we are contributing to our dc's struggles and in the OP's case, OP needs to be much more firm with the things she needs to happen while also giving her wonderful dd (she sound delightful) many opportunities to grow and develop that natural confidence in socially acceptable ways.

Engaging in an endless dialogue about getting ready is not helpful. She'd need to take away the colouring book saying, I love that you want to do well with your colouring but now is not the time, we are going to do x,y,z (maybe explain due to x,y,z but not always). Any more comments form dd and OP takes away the colouring book. If dd is not in the car within the requested time, she will lose privileges.

Also - is she mimicking the way you and your partner talk to each other

This is an extremely good point.
Do you have a partner Op?
The gaslighting comment from the teacher is very unusual tbf

@MigraineLevel9000

I don’t think anyone is saying you are a crap mum

just that you need to be firmer with her and it’s ok to do so! Don’t feel you have to shield her from your irritation or annoyance or upset and let her know the consequences of her actions.

as other posters have said it can be tempting to pussy foot arounds kids to avoid them getting upset but often that’s what they need for their learning - it’s ok and healthy and normal

Those of us who have generally compliant DC do not appreciate how luck we are.

Sure parenting can influence these things but parenting alone cannot change a naturally non-compliant one into one that this. It does a lot of harm to get into a battle of wills over what really are "trivial things.

Even my least compliant DC was easy going compared to many, I was able to work around her need to "finish" what she was doing and still achieve what we needed to on time. She will never be "cured" from being a "finisher" and it's a great life skill to have so why would I have tried to.

I agree it’s ok to be annoyed, explain her behaviour is doing your head in, and do things that may upset her like cancelling an activity. It’s not bad or abusive to let children be upset by the consequences of their actions, or to let them see how their behaviour affects people (not in a manipulative emotional blackmail way, just pointing out that endless arguing and ignoring will make you stressed and annoyed) as that is an important lesson to learn around this age. It’s important not to mistake cleverness and articulacy for emotional maturity - she’s still the centre of the universe as far as she’s concerned and still has to grasp taking other people’s feelings and experience into account.

You could've described my DD in your first post - uncannily similar. Diagnosed with autism & PDA at 10. (Year 3 teacher laughed - uproariously - in our faces at suggestion of autism but within 18 months it became more obvious). Boy, can I sympathise with your mental exhaustion. We used to joke that Mini Teets would make an awesome CIA interrogator, when we thought it was just a phase...
Take it one day at a time and don't compare to other Mums. You sound FAB.

All education professionals around my daughter told me she was fine. I knew she wasn't and pushed hard for assessment. She was diagnosed with autism by a multidisciplinary team after three assessment sessions and five months. She's a teenager now who was awarded an EHCP first time of application, this is pretty hard to get.

I'm sorry but most teachers are completely clueless around many SEN as they do not receive specific training in them. It used to be an elective part of the training iirc and most did not elect to do it. I'm not sure if the system is the same now.

I haven’t read all the posts but just to say OP, I get it. Reading your examples was like reading a description of me trying to go somewhere with my son. Constant battles, 1000 excuses and questions about everything. Even the part about having an excellent memory. He forgets nothing. He’s 4, but he’s always been this way tbh. He was hard work even as a baby!

Maybe some of it is down to my parenting, I’m not sure. I try to be firm but fair but then he spends 90% of the day in tears as I’m constantly having to stop him or tell him no when he’s defiant. I also have a daughter. Raised the same by the same parents and she is not like this…

@FeloniusGru

different kids require different types of parenting

My DD was like this - she's now almost 8 and I have to say, she is much better these days.

But when she was smaller? JFC some days I was in tears. She has an almost 'adult' grasp on situations - my DGM used to say that DD had "been here before" as she sometimes appears so much older than her years.

We still have issues, especially with getting ready in the morning. But I've very much found carrot is better over the stick eg. instead of telling her to hurry up, it's more about trying to say "how quick can you do this, I'll time you, let's see how fast you can be". Instead of "tidy that room!" it's "how much can you tidy your room in 5 minutes?" and set a timer and make it into a challenge.

She will still argue, question things (and find loopholes!) but I feel we have a better grasp with her behaviour now.

One thing I did find massively helpful was trying to improve our relationship - Instead of me being seen as the one who would always be telling her off, disciplining her etc. - I made sure we had lots of "our time", eg. art and craft together, 'camping' in the living room with some movies and snacks, making cards for family - I find that she is much more receptive to requests now we have a better bond.

Also you have my sympathy re migraines - have you got proper migraine medication on prescription? Triptans etc. are so much better than anything over the counter. Could you speak to your doctor about going on a preventative migraine medication if they are regular enough? I know when I get mine I struggle so much with DD and DS when I just want to be in a cold, dark, quiet room.

Ignore the posters who are being needlessly cruel - sorry you're getting a hard time on here.

I disagree with the posters saying you need to be stricter - we tried this with DD - it exacerbated the situation, if anything. She didn't respond well to us being too authoritarian - telling her off constantly, taking her things away - it didn't make a jot of difference, it just made her worse. What did help was treating her a bit more like a 'grown up' and making her feel like we were a team instead of on opposing sides.

How is she disciplined OP? What are her consequences?

@LuckySantangelo35

Right - that’s my point. For those blaming the OPs parenting for making her DD this way. We’re all different, but this isn’t the OPs fault. It’s how she is. I don’t have the magic cure but just wanted to say I sympathise.

I’m just here to learn how to discipline and consequence a child with PDA.

<got snacks and drinks>