Things MN has made you paranoid about?

[ThinkingForEveryone]

I'll start:
I am fat....therefore I must smell.
I have pets....therefore my house is a germ ridden cess pit, that smells.
I use fabric conditioner on my laundry.....that must smell.
I sometimes wear a bra more than once.....I must absolutely stink on those days.
Obviously this is light hearted, I'm fairly confident I don't offend anyone with my body odour and my house is in reasonable order (and if you don't like it you have the option to piss off to your fresh smelling home!)
What threads do you read that makes you wonder what the general population must think of you?

I loved the name Evie but DH vetoed it - when my DD was born 'we' picked a first name starting with E and a middle name starting with V so I did get my Evie (sort of!)

Oh and I enjoy hen dos.
I will never admit that if I got an invite to an evening reception which meant travelling for hours, having to stay over in a very expensive hotel, taking several days annual leave just to see dh’s second cousin once removed, step daughter’s sons next door neighbour’s uncle’s mother get married to someone they have been living with for over a decade, I will decline it without a second thought.

Healthy food

On top of saddling my offspring with awful names I've remembered even worse crimes against humanity.
I have a brand new Volvo SUV. It's huge.
I'm a size zero (due to illness not that that makes any difference in Netland) and can professionally undereat any of you under the table. I don't eat anything I'm tube fed.

@Coachwork you win 🏆!
I drink more than a thimble full of wine, according to most of MN I am at best a functioning alcoholic and at worst should be in rehab for alcohol addiction.
In real life I enjoy getting tipsy with my husband or friends on a semi regular basis and have no intention of stopping as we all enjoy it!
I also (big shock coming) have a teetotal friend who chooses to come out with us and not sit there po faced while we drink but actually enjoys the occasion whilst remaining sober. This would never happen in MN world as she would be busy posting about how we would be pressuring her to drink!

@Coastalcreeksider I do the moving sheet thing too and flip the duvet the other way. It just makes sense 😀

Nothing in particular but I do take great joy in declaring that my washing is being darked upon and the spiders with their willies are on their way!!! (If I ever need to cheer up dd I just whisper 'spider willies' at her and she dissolves into laughter 🤣)

Do you think we should campaign for an unmumsnet section for those of us who:

Swear
Eat crap
Dont wash towels and bedding twice a day
Have an actual sense of humour
Like men

That I'm infantile, unattractive, can't possibly be independent, lazy, selfish and lacking a vital life skill because I can't drive (and outside of London too 😱) a bad dog owner because I can't drive my dog to the vets (despite the fact she's small enough to carry and I can walk there in 20 mins) and a bad parent having deprived my DD from having any experiences ever, in between the horse riding, after school clubs, team netball, holidays and weekend trips away.

I'm also a single mum (should have chosen the father of my child more carefully using a crystal ball) in social housing, alas I'm still to find the fabled free house you apparently get in social housing, maybe I missed it while getting another tattoo, watching my wide-screen TV and swigging cider? Or possibly while I was at work (ssshhh no-one is supposed to know that people in social housing actually work and do so full time!).

I'm also overweight and probably stink, don't wash my towels every day and leave my dog for more than 15 seconds at a time.

Reading that back this may be my last post on MN as it's likely they're onto me now and I'll quietly disappear 🤣🤣

Not on Mumsnet but I was browsing that tattle forum and was reading a thread about some influencer girl and she was constantly getting criticised because she lets her cats out.... I thought... isn't it normal to let your cats out!?

@Maverickess run for the hills as fast as you can......they are everywhere and they are on to you 🤣

I have owned dogs all my adult life and been around them all my actual life.
Yet after 5 mins in the doghouse on here I'm feeling inadequate.

Don't feel that way. The only people who are entitled to judge you for being a good or bad mum are your children. Everyone else can fuck off.

Not exactly what the thread is asking but I can't believe I thought CF stood for c**t face for quite a while!

Sometimes I say things like 'did you see that old man over there?' when I'm out with people, which makes me agist and dreadful, because DOES HS AGE MATTER??!!!
We also have an Interest only mortgage so will definitely be on the streets soon.
We only have one bathroom and no tumble dryer or dishwasher so I cant share tips on anything kitchen wise

1. I bottle fed which seems to be a babies downfall on Mumsnet. 'Breast is Best' is one of my top hated phrases.
2. I used to pre make said bottles the night before. Obviously that's a big no-no.
3. My daughter started weaning at 5.5 months old. We started on pureed veg which she HATED. However, we gave her a chilli one night and BOOM! She suddenly turned into a massive foodie and still is now.
4. She is now 17 months old. She eats whatever she wants - she's quite partial to dirt, leaves and basically anything she shouldn't. I'll give her credit though, she's never had a stomach bug.
5. Her and our dog are best friends and partners in crime. She usually shares her food with him - one bite for her, one bite for him and so on. Don't tell the MN army though but she loves it when he licks her face!

@thesurrealist You sound like my type of person

@ArabellaDrummond My husband is nearly 40 and has 3 set nights for his gaming once little one is in bed Works well though as I get 4 nights of the TV

That my friends might not actually like me, as so many threads of people judging, complaining, and bitching about their 'friends'.

God forbid if I mention I'm a stepmum!

I feel when asking on posts for advice that I MUST start off by saying I'm not the OW and wait for the comment "op, I hope you've got your hard hat on"

To be frank, it's made me nervous telling people I have stepchildren.

I made my little ones bottles at night too for the day ahead! I even told my health visitor I do it and she looked at me in despair! I won't stop doing it! I know my baby and they are not Ill or affected from it!

Very wise words. Although if they're teenagers maybe take it with a pinch of salt🤣

I'm size 14. Still smaller than average, but grossly overweight by MN standards; my morbid obesity is the reason the NHS is on its knees.

I have to avoid any food or weight threads because they make me feel like total shit.

@ArabellaDrummond

Stay with my partner even if he’s 32 and still plays his games console

Don't fret about that. Mine is 50 next month, we've been together over 20 years At least you know where he is at the weekends/evening, unlike the DH/DP's who do that very outing hobby of cycling....God knows what they really get up to in their lycra.😅

We can call ourselves Mumsnot
(not just mums, humans too!)

Humums?