DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

There are TWO issues here.

1 Finding a toilet for your girls.

2 Using the women's loos as he doesn't like the state of the men's.

I think this is down to poor planning by your DH.

1 Make sure he knows where suitable loos are in advance. He needs to use his head and find out. As I said before, town centres are full of cafes, shops and some baby changing rooms in car parks.

2 Make the girls use those loos at a reasonable point on the day out and before they really are desperate to go, or asking to go.

3 Ask a kindly woman using the loo to keep an eye on the girls if they need the loo. I've seen this before- asking a woman going into the loo if they would mind chaperoning a child.

He really should not be going into women's toilets just because he finds men's loos dirty. That is REALLY NOT ON.

Time for men to start campaigning for men to make an effort to keep public gents loos clean. The answer isnt to facilitate men who think mens loos are grotty to use the ladies. Men need to raise their game, not find ways to get women to alter ours.

Hands up who on here is so gorgeous they'd be hit on in a public loo. I've just caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror. Nah I'm safe 😂😃

did I miss the part where OP was in a non-child friendly location?

Hands up which women have ducked into the loos to escape a sleazy, sexually harassing pervert?

Nothing to do with being gorgeous. It's about power, not sex.

Isn't it interesting, the degree of hypocrisy around? Womens' spaces are for women only. Disabled spaces are for everyone and they can f* off if they think that we shouldn't have the right to use them.

Some people have suggested that it's difficult for parents to have to plan these sorts of things ahead. Welcome to my life. I have to plan every single thing I do from the moment I leave my house to the moment I get back. That is a reality of life for many people with disabilities. But by all means haul your entitled able-bodied arses into our spaces because you can't be bothered using all the parking spaces/ toilets and other facilities provided for you already.

@justasking111 Don't you think that is a silly comment? You are saying that only 'attractive ' women are sexually assaulted.

@CallMeKaty

I’ve got more issues for you.

you are saying it’s ok for little girls to see grown men urinate. You are also advocating asking a total stranger to chaperone a 3 year to the toilet. That is REALLY NOT ON.

So it's not hygiene? It's about penises?

The thing is, if every dad did this when out with their daughters, how long before the female toilets become unofficial mixed-sex toilets? Sure, it's more comfortable for his daughters but what about the comfort of other people's daughters who may be in the female facilities when he enters?

There is never an acceptable reason for a man to be in a female-only space. He needs to be kicking up a fuss over the state of the male facilities rather than invading female ones.

FFS, just tell him to use the ladies.

Most people in RL would not have problem with this.

I really don’t understand why this is a thing. Dads have been taking their daughters into the grotty male toilets for years. Why are to our daughters any different. No it’s not ok for him to go into the ladies. With an 11 year old daughter whose just navigating the loos by herself I don’t want him in there.

My dh has asked for the keys to the disabled loo or baby changing rather than use the women's loos. When he was out with dd1 he learnt to plan better and take her before he went out and have a few places where he knew toilets would have cubicles in the men's. I personally have no issues with a dad taking his dd to the loo in a women's toilet but some women would.

Well call me strange but I wouldn't view somewhere , where the male toilets in the same facility as the female toilets which would mean they were cleaned and checked at the same rate , were so disgusting as to be unusable presumably for little boys as well as little girls , as family friendly tbh. I mean I can't see it would be a popular family venue if 50 percent of the population couldn't even pee while there. And if that was the case then it wouldn't he busy enough to get so filthy.

Men should not be in the ladies for any reason at all. It's not ok to start making exceptions simply because you have kids.

Your DH needs to get his act in gear. If he doesn’t want them sitting on a toilet in the Men’s, he can take a portable potty with him. Or he can learn where the unisex loos are, and the places with family toilets (M&S often do, for example). You know, like other people do.

He absolutely shouldn’t be entering the Women’s. That’s completely unacceptable, ignoring the privacy, safety and dignity of women and girls.

no one is perving on anyone in a public loo, for goodness sake there are bigger things to worry about than boogeymen pervs in toilets Except the crime figures show that’s just not true, is it? OP’s DH might not be perving, even if he is an entitled twat, but the thing about predators is that they don’t come with big neon signs warning people. So how do we tell the difference between entitled twats like OP’s DH and predators? And ffs, rtft. It’s not just ‘boogeymen pervs’ that women object to. It’s men. All men. Tall men, short men, fat men, thin men, men of all ages, all shapes and sizes. And not ‘just’ because we think we’re being perved on.

I would want the man to maybe call through and ask if anyone minds. I MIND! I mind very much.

That's not what I said.
Womens toilets are for women but he uses them because he can't be arse to use the men's.

That stinks of unrestrained entitlement. Its a very tiresome trait.

Pissing in the wind ... they won't hear it, it isn't convenient.

Pages and pages of diatribe about other people encroaching on female only spaces...

But when it comes to standing up and making a big fuss to get a safe space for parents and children to pee regardless of which gender parent is with the child...

Nah, just steal the disabled peoples provision. Theres not so many of them, they can't stop us, we can do what we like because their voice won't be heard.

'Oh well the shop says we can use the disabled facility' - the shop simply doesn't want to HAVE to dedicate any more space to pissing and shitting than it already does. They don't care about disabled peoples rights and accessibility either.

YOU could all make huge changes, all of you who have small children and find it hard to use the ladies or hard for a male parent to take out small children.

Go to the customer service desk, go to your email account - CONTACT someone at a store and SAY 'I do not like using shared accessible facilities, I am not happy being forced to encroach on the spaces provided for the disabled. I would be more willing to spend money in your store if you provided a larger sized 'family' cubicle/ I will be boycotting your store until you provide a larger sized family cubicle'.

IF YOU ALL DID THAT.... shit might change.

But you wont, because its an effort and after all you'll only be inconvenienced by this for a few years until your children will be old enough to go to the correct toilet by themselves. So why bother eh?

Get a radar key from eBay or Amazon - universal fit for disabled toilets. I’ve got one and wouldn’t mind a dad with girls using it as there is no other viable option.

Fucking hell. Of course he shouldn't use the women's, it's shocking he'd even dare contemplate it not alone do it!!
My husband takes our daughters to the men's, yes they're usually grotty and sometimes he holds them above the toilet which is a bit of a pain in the ass but just one of those things you do as a parent. He should never enter the women's toilets. Women deserve privacy, dignity and a male free space. What an awful example he is setting to his daughters about women's spaces.
I'm sure people will jump, but first choice is always the disabled, he can buy a radar key cheaply online.

It’s not that he can’t be arsed though is it - he’s trying the men’s and sometimes finding them unsuitable for his daughters and wants to know what the acceptable thing to do in that scenario is.

I think it's time that your husband started planning ahead, as we did at that stage. Making himself aware of what toilet facilities are available and where, and only taking them out on his own to places with adequate facilities. If you are out together, you can take the girls into the Ladies, if he's out by himself - plan ahead. I've still got a map in my head of where is good to go locally!

He should absolutely NOT be using the Ladies, where he will not only be causing offence but also some genuine alarm. And to answer your question - no, my DH would never and has never gone into the Ladies.

No he shouldn't be using the Ladies. Another erosion of our rights as females. And I have a female child.

Is it only me or is anyone else with grown up children wondering how we coped?
This was a non-issue as we found ways round it.

DH would never have dreamed of using a women's loo for himself and never took our DD into one. (And this was 25 years ago when there were fewer family facilities and cafes.)

I even used to carry a potty with me when out with DD aged 4, as some women's public loos (think central London) were not clean enough for her to sit on, so she sat on her potty on the cubicle floor, wee was flushed, potty put back in bag.

If you take your little ones out, you find out where the loos are in advance (large supermarkets are often the best place) or make it a short trip .